Make My Heart Beat (12 page)

I thought he wasn’t going to show. My heart was breaking as I sat there in that waiting room all by myself. After Connor and I woke up Saturday night, he asked to stay, or
for me to go back to his apartment with him so we could talk things over. I wasn’t ready. And then he asked to see me on Sunday. I had told him I needed some time to think. I figured since I had pushed him away with both of his attempts at talking, he had given up on me and decided not to come to the appointment after all. I wouldn’t have been surprised. I keep pushing him away. I tried not to get angry at him when he finally did come running through the door to the office, but I couldn’t help myself. Damn hormones.

I spent
the weekend holed up in my apartment. I didn’t respond to Michelle’s requests to hang out, and I told Daddy that I didn’t feel like going out on Sunday. He came over anyway, just to check on me. Daddy kept trying to get me to talk about Connor. It seems like he feels that I should talk to him and let him have a chance to explain himself. That really confuses me to no end. I would have thought that Daddy would have been on my side and wanting to kill Connor after everything that happened.

Instinct made me reach out for his hand when Kim was doing the ultrasound. I didn’t get to see my first one, since it was done while I was still unconscious from the accident. Seeing the tiny little baby on the screen made my heart swell with the most overwhelming joy I've ever had. I didn’t know it was possible to have so much love in my heart before that moment. Hearing the heart beating was amazing. That little baby is a part of both me and Connor.

God, how I wish things were different. This is supposed to be a happy and exciting time; it’s unexpected, yes, but we should be celebrating and feeling ecstatic, not tiptoeing around each other. Those same jolts of electricity shot through my arm from the contact of Connor’s callused hand. I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn’t look way from my baby. Our baby. It really did look like a little jellybean on the screen. I need to talk to Connor about Seth. And I need to talk to Seth. I’ve made such a mess of things.

After changing back into my clothes and walking out of the exam room, I see Connor talking with Kim. I can’t hear what they're talking about, but he has his head down and he looks upset. I move towards them, and Connor looks up at me. As soon as our eyes lock, I feel like I can’t breathe. His eyes pull me in. Every. Damn. Time.

“Baby, come on, let’s go get some dinner,” Connor says, holding his hand out for me to take.

I look from his hand back to his eyes. I can’t stop my feet from bringing me closer to him. I lift my tote bag up my arm and look at Kim. “Thank you, Kim. I’ll see you in a few weeks, I guess. Just schedule my next appointment at the front?” I ask.

Connor immediately takes my bag off my arm and lifts it over his shoulder. “You shouldn’t be carrying this thing. It weighs like you have a shit ton of bricks in it.” He grunts.

Kim laughs at Connor then smiles at me. “Yes, Lynae, I’ve sent the orders to the front, just make your appointment on your way out. Remember, you need to start eating a little more,” she says, then turns to Connor. “It was nice meeting you, Connor.”

“Thanks, Dr. Parsons. I’ll see you at the next appointment. I’ll be on time this time, I promise.” He places his hand on my lower back to lead me to the reception desk.

I schedule my next appointment and program it in my phone while Connor does the same with his phone.

Walking out of the office towards the elevators to the parking garage, Connor suggests, “Lynae, let’s just leave your car here. I’ll take you home and pick you up in the morning to take you to work.”

It’s the same parking garage I use for work, since the medical office building is adjacent
to the hospital. It's convenient. I didn’t have to try to find somewhere to park. I just hung out in the break room after work for a few extra minutes before walking over here. I cock my head at him.

“I can drive, Connor,” I try to say through a muffled yawn.

Connor shakes his head and grabs my hand. “Damn it, Lynae, I know you’re pissed at me. I’m an ass. For so many reasons. You’re coming to dinner. I’m driving you. End of story,” he says as the elevator doors close.

I don’t even try to argue. Truth is, I don’t really want to. And I’m not really mad at him. I was scared. And worried. Okay, a little mad, but now I’m a confused mess. “Fine. We’ll go wherever you want to go.” I hold my hand in front of me, indicating for him to lead the way.

Connor looks like he releases a deep breath he'd been holding while waiting on my reply. “Feel up to some pizza or calzones? We can go to Gia’s near the garage?”

I nod and exit the elevator. I spot his car immediately and walk over to the passenger side to wait for him to open my door. When Connor comes up behind me I can’t help but inhale his scent.
He smells clean and fresh. I don’t really know what it is about him that makes him smell the way he does, it’s just something that's distinctly Connor.

I turn my head to tell him I’d rather he just take me home, but when I look up into his eyes, I can’t. I want to be with him. “Connor, can we get it to go
, then go back to your place?” I’m exhausted from work today and the stress of thinking that he wasn’t going to come.

“Anything you want,” Connor says, opening the door and helping me into his car. When he gets behind the wheel, he pulls his phone back out of his pocket and calls in a takeout order so it will be ready by the time we get there.

The drive to Gia’s and then back to his apartment fortunately doesn’t take long. The aroma of garlic and cheese has my stomach growling and my mouth watering by the time we pull in behind the garage. I laugh as I place my hands on my belly. “I’m more hungry than I thought.”

Connor smirks and gets out of the car to come around to open my door. He leads me through the garage and up towards the stairs. The door's open, and I can hear the guys and Gabbi laughing and carrying on in the kitchen. I hadn’t expected to see everyone here. I don’t know why; Connor’s apartment was always the central hangout location. When we walk in, everyone stops talking. You could hear a pin drop in the silence.

Seth is sitting at the island in the kitchen eating a bowl of ice cream when we walk in. The spoon, on its way to his mouth, clatters back into the bowl when he glances up and spots me. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since he saw me running out of this apartment the other morning. The stool scrapes against the floor as he stands to leave.

I stop where I am and look down at the floor. I can’t look him in the eye. Luckily, Gabbi breaks the awkward silence by bouncing over and pulling me into a hug. “How did the ultrasound go? Please tell me they printed off some pictures! I wanna see!”

“Good, I have the pictures in my purse. I’ll get them out.”

Connor sets the food down on the counter, then comes up behind me. With his hand on the small of my back, he leads me over to the couch and makes me sit down as soon as Gabbi lets me out of her embrace. “Come on Lynae, you put your feet up. You can show her after you eat. I’ll get you a plate.”

I curl up in the corner of the couch, and notice Connor and Seth eyeing each other and talking when Connor goes back into the kitchen.

“Yeah, okay,” Connor says quietly in response to something Seth says to him before bringing me a plate and glass of water.

Seth leaves without saying anything else. I hate the tension between him and Connor. I hate knowing I’m the reason behind it. Connor settles on the couch beside me. He’s left a little distance between us, I think to make me feel more comfortable.

I start picking at my calzone, taking small bites in between sips of water. Wade and Marcus bring in plates and sprawl out on the floor in front of us. Gabbi has made herself comfortable in the recliner next to me.

“So, how are you, Nae?” Marcus asks tentatively, looking up at me.

I finish chewing and swallow my food. Looking down at Marcus I feel nervous. He didn’t come see me in the hospital, so this is the first time I’ve seen him.

“I’m okay,” I reply quietly, then lower my head to look at my lap. I don’t know why I feel so uncomfortable talking to him. I guess it’s just that I’m worried about what he thinks of me now.

Marcus sets his plate down and moves closer to me. “We really miss you. You are part of our crazy ass family, and I hope you come back to it. We all love you.”

“Damn straight,” Wade says through a mouth full of food, marinara sauce dribbling down his chin.

“Thank you,” I reply. I feel like I’m having a hard time finding my voice.

“Seriously, Lynae. We are all really sorry.” Marcus smiles up at me.

Connor moves closer to me on the couch and places his hand on my knee, giving it a gentle squeeze, trying to reassure me. I nod my head and finish my dinner in silence. I can feel Connor’s eyes on me the entire time. I want to talk to him. My heart wants to mend this painful rift that's between us. Oh how I wish I could go back in time and change so many things! I wouldn’t have pushed him to tell me what was bothering him that night. I would have tried to offer him what little comfort he would allow.

After everyone finishes eating, I pull out the pictures from the ultrasound and show Gabbi, Wade and Marcus as they crowd around me. The smile tugging at the corner of my mouth feels so good. Looking at the grainy black and white photo of our baby makes my heart swell. I glance up to see Connor staring at me with an intense look in his eyes.

“Alright, y’all. Clear out,” I say, standing up.

I really need to talk to Lynae, and I can tell she’s tired. I hope that Wade takes the hint and will stay at Gabbi’s tonight. I want Lynae to stay here tonight, but I know that she'll probably refuse. I don’t blame her. I'm still a little surprised she agreed to let me drive her over here from our appointment. Sure, I “told” her she was coming with me, but that didn’t mean she would agree without a fight. I was expecting her to dig in her heels and argue with me.

Marcus gets up and tosses his paper plate in the trash can, then walks back over to where Lynae is curled up on the couch. He leans down and whispers something in her ear and kisses her on the cheek. I want to yank his ass away from her, but the sweet smile she gives him has me staying put. Please, for the love of God, tell me he’s trying to tell her to forgive me and take me back.

Gabbi and Wade thankfully leave right after Marcus. Lynae and I have the apartment to ourselves. I walk back over to the couch
and sit down beside her. She's still staring at her lap and fidgeting with her fingers.

“Thank you for dinner,” she says quietly.

“Baby, you don’t have to thank me. It’s my job to take care of you,” I tell her, taking one of her hands into mine. “I know I haven’t been doing that lately, but I really want the chance to try to do it again.”

Her eyes meet mine, and my heart skips a beat in my chest. I swear I could get lost in those caramel depths. I tug on her hand and bring her closer to me. She’s chewing on her bottom lip nervously. I can see the indecision in her eyes.

“Connor, I want to. I really do. I just need us to take this slower. There are so many things we need to talk about before I feel like we can move on.” She looks back down at her lap.

I take my hand and lift her chin up so she’s facing me again. I want so badly to lean over and kiss her. Her telling me that she wants to give me another chance is the best thing I could have heard. I know we need to talk. I just can’t bear the thought of her hating me when she finds out everything that I’ve been hiding.

“We can take this as slow as you need to. Just the fact that you are here and willing is all I need right now.”

Lynae nods her head and brings her hand up to cup my face. “I am so scared and so confused, Connor.” She takes a deep breath. “My mind is telling me that you and I are only going to end up hurting one another again. You didn’t trust me, and you jumped to conclusions. If you can’t trust me, I don’t know how we can move forward. But my heart tells me that I need you.”

I turn my face to kiss the inside of her wrist. Closing my eyes, I inhale her sweet scent. “Baby, I love you. I never stopped, and I never will. I do trust you. I’m sorry I doubted you.”

Lynae shifts her position on the couch so that her body is facing me directly. “I need to talk to you about Seth. I don’t want to mess up
—”

“What happens between me and Seth is our business. I told you that the other night. Yes, we got in a fight, but we are working that out.”

She shakes her head at me. “No, I need to tell you what happened.”

I nod, relenting. If she feels like she needs to talk about this, then I’ll let her, even though I don’t want to think about the time he got to spend with her when she was avoiding me.

“After you came up to the hospital a few weeks ago, it really threw me. I was scared and confused. I saw him, and he comforted me. All I wanted was a friend to talk to, and he was there for me. I needed someone other than the girls or Sly. I needed someone that I could just let go with,” Lynae murmurs. “And he let me.”

I don’t like the idea of her turning to Seth for comfort, but there really isn’t anything I can do about it now. What’s done is done. I honestly don’t think she was turning to him for anything more than friendship, even though he obviously had other ideas. I pull her feet out from under her and stretch her legs across my lap, then begin massaging her insteps. I need my hands on her. She leans back against the arm of the couch and continues.

“All we did was meet up and talk. I talked to him about everything those first few days. I told him about what really happened when we went back to Alabama, and then he didn’t ask me anymore about it. It felt good to get it all out.”

I’m so proud of her for finally letting her demons go. She had been carrying them around for so long
, I know the burden was eating away at her. Much like my burden is killing me.

“Then, this past Friday, things felt off. Seth seemed to be acting a little differently towards me. It didn’t feel right.” She looks down at her lap again.

I tug on her foot to get her attention. “Seth has feelings for you. Wade saw y’all together and was chewing him out in the garage. He saw you running away crying and wanted to know what Seth did to upset you so much. That’s when Seth and I got in a fight. He didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m so sorry that I caused y’all to fight. I really didn’t mean to mess up your friendship.”

“Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything wrong. He knows you’re mine.”
All fucking mine
, I add silently. I look deep into her eyes. “Enough about him. We need to talk about us.” I pray and hope there will still be an “us” to speak of after I tell her about my past. Lynae deserves to know.

Glancing up at me with those caramel colored eyes that can see directly into my soul, Lynae gives me a timid smile. “Us?”

“Yes, baby. Us. There has to be a way for there to be an 'us' again. I don’t think I can stand to go on another day without you being a part of my life again.” I inch my hands up her leg towards her knee, pulling her closer to me. “You tell me what it's gonna take, and I’ll do it.”

I’m not above begging. She’s mine. I just have to make her remember that.

Lynae lets me tug her closer to me. Her legs are draped across my lap now and she's looking up at me. I want so badly to lean over and kiss her, but I know I have to restrain myself. I'm certain that if I kissed her, there's no way in heaven or hell I'd be able to stop there. I’d have her spread out and naked on this couch in less than a minute. She told me she wants to take things slower. She said she wants to give us a try. I have to hold on to that.

“You have to talk to me. You have to tell me what is going on in that head of yours, Connor. I’m not a
mind reader.”

“I know that, sweetness.” I don’t think I can tell her everything. I should, but I can’t. I have to get her to let me back into her heart first. I look away from her and take a deep breath to prepare myself for what I’m about to say.

“You already know that I lost my sister. You know that Kaitlin died three years ago. You just don’t know how.” I’m staring at her slender leg resting on my lap. I rub up and down her smooth skin trying to draw strength. Lynae is so strong. She looks so timid and fragile, but she really is stronger than she gives herself credit for.

“Kaitlin was killed in a car accident. She died instantly. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to her. I was supposed to drive her home, but I didn’t. It was all my fault.”

Lynae yanks her legs off my lap and scoots closer to me. She places both her hands on my face and forces me to look her in the eye. I expect to see sympathy there. I’m so used to people feeling sorry for me at first, then, like my parents, disgust, but that’s not what I see.

I see pain and sorrow.

I see genuine concern for me.

“How can you say it’s your fault? Just because you didn’t drive her? That doesn’t make you responsible, Connor.” She looks deep into my eyes. “Accidents happen.”

I jerk my face away from her hands and look over her shoulder. I know that accidents happen. I fucking know that. The point is that Kaitlin never should have been in the car with that piece of shit Rob! I can feel my chest heaving up and down. Just thinking about him makes me want to hit something, makes me want to take a drink to numb the pain. But drinking is what caused this clusterfuck with Lynae in the first place.

“Connor, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I know what it’s like to lose someone you
love. It isn’t any easier even if you do have the chance to say goodbye. That doesn’t make the pain any less.” Lynae tries to turn me to face her again, and when I don’t, she crawls into my lap, straddling me. “Take a deep breath. You’re gonna hyperventilate if you don’t slow your breathing down.”

I let her guide my face back to hers. Focusing on her eyes and the sound of her voice is helping calm me down. I can’t believe she's sitting here trying to help me. I brought her here to take care of her, to try to fix us, but here she is
— comforting me. I don’t deserve her. She could do so much better than me. But I’ll be damned if I let her go. I’m too much of a selfish bastard. I band my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me. Lynae’s hands drop from my face and move to brace herself on my shoulders. I bury my face in her chest.

“I can’t talk about this anymore. I know we need to talk. I know you want answers. I just can’t. Not right now.”

Lynae runs her fingers through my hair, shushing me. “It’s okay. We can talk more later this week.” She tries to shift out of my arms.

Shit! I hope I’m not squeezing her too tightly. I don’t want to hurt the baby. “Don’t go. Please. Stay.” I loosen my hold, just a little, but keep her on my lap.

She sighs heavily. “Connor, I…”

“I just need to hold you. Nothing more. Please. Just let me hold you tonight.” I look at her. I need to feel her in my arms. Hold her all night long. I want to watch her sleep. I want to make sure she’s not having nightmares anymore. I don’t think I can sleep alone tonight. I think if she went home, I would be driven to numbing the pain with Jim or Jack. I know that drinking isn’t the answer.

“Okay. I’ll stay.”