Make My Heart Beat (14 page)

I’m not happy about being forced to stay the night. I wanted to just sit back down in the cafeteria for a minute, let the room stop spinning and then go back to work. Damn Seth for freaking out and taking me to the ER. Now I’m back in a freaking hospital room. All it makes me think about is waking up and remembering my world crashing down around me. No. I can’t think about that. I have to remain calm and think about the baby. And Connor.

I guess it was good that Seth was there. If I stop and think about everything, it was pretty scary. Those cramps were intense. I wasn’t surprised at all to see Connor come busting into the room either. I figured as soon as Dr. Griffin, the annoying ER doctor, kicked Seth out of my room, Connor would be the first person he’d call. I’m also very glad Seth had the brains to go find Gabbi to come and sit with me while I was waiting. I don’t think I could have handled getting bad news by myself if something was wrong. Michelle was scrubbed in in the OR, so she couldn’t come, but at least Gabbi was free.

Dehydration. That’s what caused all this mess. If I just drank more water or juice this wouldn’t have happened. I want to kick myself for not paying more attention to my body. I should have known. I guess I figured that eating more, like Kim had told me to, was enough.

“Baby, do you want me to go get you some of your yoga pants? I think that might be more comfortable for you.” Connor's voice pulls me from my thoughts as he paces around the room, making sure the A/C is on high enough for me and that my water jug is filled up.

Connor. He came running in to rescue me. I think back on my conversation with Seth at lunch. Seth practically confessing that he's in love with me — that was awkward, to say the least. His words about Connor not being able to live without me. He asked me if I could forgive Connor. The truth of the matter is I think I already have forgiven him. I know in my heart of hearts that the real Connor, the man that I fell in love with and gave my soul to, wouldn’t have said all those things to me. And here he is: he’s dropped everything to come up to the hospital to take care of me.

I smile up at him. “I have some in my locker from what I wore in this morning. I can get Michelle or Gabbi to bring them up later.” I hold my hand out for him, which he takes. “Thank you for being here.” Now that I’ve gotten my emotions in check I can think more clearly.

Connor sits down on the side of my bed and pulls my hand up to his chest. “Lynae, there is nowhere else I’d be. You needed me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t with you when it happened. I wanted to be the one to bring Marcus up here, so I could check on you, but the garage was too busy. I’m glad Seth was with you though.” He leans down and kisses my knuckles. “Well, only kinda glad Seth was there.”

I look down at my lap. I feel bad for forgetting about Marcus. I hope his hand is okay. “How is Marcus, by the way?”

“He’s fine. Dumbass sliced his hand on some sheet metal. I think Seth told me he got five or six stitches. Nothing major.” Connor laughs.

“That’s good. You can go check on him if you need to. I’ll be fine. I know you’re busy.”

Connor takes his hand and lifts my face to meet his eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here with you. And either you are coming home with me tomorrow, or I’m going home with you.”

I don’t want him to go, but I felt like I needed to give him the option. I want him here with me. I want to tell him that I want us to be together. I’m done fighting. I’m not happy when we aren’t together. The last few weeks I’ve come to realize that no matter what my head says, my heart just won’t let me give up on Connor. Sure, I can deal with it, but I’m miserable knowing he’s upset and just as miserable.

“Okay.” I squeeze his hand and look deep into those emerald pools that seem to suck me in. Every single time I get caught in them.

Connor leans forward and plants a chaste kiss on my forehead. “I love you. You know that right?” My heart melts at his words. I do know he loves me. He is trying so hard to take things slowly like I’ve asked him to, but I’m tired of it. I want to move on. I want us to be together, to work things out. I’ve tried living without him in my life. I didn’t like it.

The hospital door opens abruptly, causing me to jump in the bed.

“Get the fuck out of this room right now, or I will kick your ass out myself!” Sly growls when he sees Connor sitting on my bed.

Connor stands up and moves in front of the bed, standing between me and Sly. “You’re the one that needs to leave. Lynae does not need the stress of you yelling and acting like an ass right now.”

Sly looks just as pissed as he did the last time I was in the hospital. I totally forgot that he was driving in today, after all the commotion. Shit! I don’t want to deal with him right now. As much as I love Sly, I know that all his presence will do is upset Connor and cause more tension than I can stand. Sly and Connor don’t mix well right now, and honestly, I want Connor by my side. I push myself to a sitting position and look around Connor’s body at Sly.

He’s staring Connor down. Sly’s brows are furrowed and he's breathing rapidly. I notice his hands clenching, forming fists. Dear God, please do not let them start a fight here in this hospital room. There have been way too many fights that I seem to be at the center of lately and I’m sick of it. “What are you doing here, asshole?”

“I’m here to take care of Lynae. What does it look like?” Connor retorts. I can tell by the tense posture of his shoulders and tone of his voice that he doesn’t have much patience in him for Sly’s attitude.

Sly barks out a laugh that grates on my nerves. “Well, I’m here now, so you can leave. All you do is fuck things up for her. I can’t believe that you think you have any right to be here right now.”

I’ve never heard Sly so pissed off. This is an ugly side to him that I’ve not seen, and I don’t want to see again. It’s making me nervous, and my stomach starts to cramp up again. Kim said that stress and dehydration could cause me
problems. I need to reduce the stress level in this room. Now.

“I’m not going anywhere. Like I said, you need to leave if all you’re gonna do is yell and upset Lynae. She’s been through enough, and I’m not going to let you come in here and start taking over.” Connor takes a step towards Sly, who's
blowing up his chest.

I start to swing my legs over the edge of the bed and sit up on the side, but my IV pole is on the opposite side, and the tubing isn’t long enough to reach for me to get out of bed from this side.
Damn it. My movement catches Connor and Sly’s attention, and Connor is instantly beside me again.

“Babe, the doc said to stay in bed. Don’t start misbehaving already.
We just got up here,” he says, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. His voice softens when he addresses me, but as soon as he turns back around to Sly, it has the hard edge to it again. “She needs rest.”

I push Connor’s hand away and address Sly. “I’m really tired, Sly, and I’m not in the mood to argue. If you're just going to fight with Connor, then you can go ahead and leave, like he said. Just go back to the apartment.”

Sly stares at me, stunned. I’ve never chosen someone over him before. He’s always been my rock, my person I ran to for anything and everything.

“What? You want me to go?” Sly asks incredulously.

“Yes. I need Connor here right now.” I raise my chin and look Sly directly in the eyes. This is a big step for me. I’m not running to my usual safety zones for comfort. I’m following what my heart wants me to do. And I think my head is actually on the same page too.

Sly shakes his head and glares at me. There is a look there that I haven’t seen before. “You know, I didn’t really like this bastard to begin with,” he motions in Connor’s direction, “but I thought you were smart enough to make your own decisions. We see how well that turned out, now d
on’t we?” he barks.

My mouth drops open. What is he saying?

“You let this dumb fuck mess with your head. Get inside your mind and make you think he’s a good guy. You let him make you think you need him. How stupid can you be, Lynae? You still as stupid as you were when we were in high school?”

Now that's a low blow. I know he’s pissed at me, but there is no fucking reason for him to start that shit.

“Get the hell out of here!” Connor yells. “You will not talk to her like that!” He advances towards Sly.

“What, you gonna hit me too? You’re a fucking piece of shit and you know it,” Sly roars.

I can’t believe what I’m seeing and hearing. “That’s enough! Sly, get out!” I cry out.

Two nurses come into the room with scowls on their faces. Before one of them gets a chance to say anything, Sly barges out and slams the door. Connor is instantly at my side, wrapping his arms around me. Surprisingly, the tears I expected don’t come. I let Connor hold me. His hands running up and down my back help calm my nerves and racing heart.

“Miss Michaels?” one of the nurses addresses me. “You can’t be getting worked up like that or we will have to ask your visitor to leave. We were about to call security when we heard all the yelling.”

“I’m not going anywhere, and you don’t have to call security. I won’t let anybody else in here that will upset Lynae. We’re fine,” Connor answers for me, still rubbing my back.

They both nod and leave. I think the tone in Connor’s voice told them there would be no forcing him to leave anyway.

Michelle and Gabbi both come in for a visit after their shift ends. Michelle tries to ask me a few questions about my fight with Sly, but I’m not in the mood to talk about it. I guess he’s texted her and told her everything. Connor quickly put a stop to that line of conversation, and told the girls I needed rest and he’d call them if I needed them for anything. I could tell Michelle was reluctant to leave me alone with Connor, but did so anyway. She knows Connor and I have been talking more and even though she isn’t exactly glad about it, she keeps telling me that she only wants what is going to make me happy. Daddy stopped by not long after Michelle and Gabbi left. Connor had called him as soon as we got admitted to the prenatal room. He had apparently texted Daddy when he got to the ER to tell him what was going
on, but told him both me and the baby were fine so he didn’t have to leave work.

I want to talk to Connor, but he keeps insisting we can talk tomorrow, and I just need to go to sleep. I try to get him to go home, but he seems dead set on staying in the uncomfortable looking recliner the nurses brought in for him. He refuses to leave me. So I try to settle into this horrible hospital bed and get some sleep.

Lynae really wanted to go back to her apartment when she was discharged this morning, but I insisted she come home with me. Home. If I had my way, she would move in here and never leave, but I’m not going to press my luck. I’m just glad she agreed to let me bring her here today. I wasn’t sure if Sly would be at her apartment or if, after the shit he pulled yesterday, he would have gone to stay with Michelle.

Her dad came by the hospital again this morning while she was still asleep. John and I went down to the cafeteria and had some coffee. I hadn’t talked to him in person since he came by the apartment right after the accident. John still makes me nervous, even though he says he trusts me. Having the trust of a man like John means a lot to me. I look up to him and respect him a great deal.

I tried to convey to him how much I love Lynae and how much I want us to work. He kept telling me I just have to give her time, but to fight for her at the same time.

“Kara Lynae is just as stubborn as her momma was, sometimes a little more so. I know she loves you. She knows it in her heart too. She just has to let her mind catch up to her heart,” he told me this morning. John also told me I need to let Lynae in. I have to tell her about my past. I have to tell her about Kaitlin.

She’s back in the bedroom napping now. We got home about an hour or so ago, but she still looked exhausted. I know she tossed and turned all night. That hospital bed couldn’t have been much more comfortable than the damn vinyl recliner I tried to sleep in. This morning when she woke up, she had bags under her eyes and creases in her face from the pillowcase, but I still thought she was the most beautiful creature on this earth. Luckily, she didn’t feel sick this morning either. I think the nurses gave her about two of those IV bag things during the night, so I guess that’s what helped her feel better.

I’m standing in the kitchen now, making myself a roast beef sandwich when I hear my cell phone ringing. I don’t pay attention to the screen to see who is calling, I just hurry and answer so it doesn’t wake Lynae up.

“Yeah?”

“You know, Kaitlin would have had much better manners in answering a phone call.”

That voice makes my skin crawl like it's being eaten alive by thousands of ants. “What do you want, Dad?” I haven’t heard from him or Mom since the day before Lynae and I had our big fight. The fight that started all of this mess.

“I was cleaning out the attic today. I found Kaitlin’s high school cheerleading uniform,” he says coldly.

Kaitlin was a phenomenal cheerleader. She was very athletic, bubbly and enthusiastic about everything. I’m sure she could have gotten an athletic scholarship for college if she didn’t get the academic ones she had applied for. Not only was my sister gorgeous, she was incredibly smart.

Dad is only calling me to try to rub the fact that Kaitlin isn’t here in my face because he has dived back into the memories of what once was and the thoughts of what could have been. “You know, she had such a bright future ahead of her before you went and messed everything up.”

My stomach clenches. I know that Kaitlin would have lived up to every single expectation my parents had for her. She was perfection at everything she did. She didn’t have to try at all. “Yeah” is all I can say. He's trying to bait me. He wants a fight. He always does.

“A future that was really going to take her somewhere. Not like your sorry ass excuse for a life.”

I can tell he’s been drinking. His voices sounds a little slurred, and he usually doesn’t call me. Mom is the one that calls to give me the guilt trip treatment. I should just hang up the phone now and not listen to this, but my guilty conscience won’t let me. I deserve to hear every hateful thing he has to say to me. After all, it is entirely my fault his little girl is gone and all he has left is my pitiful ass.

I clear my throat around the lump that has formed and move towards the living room. I need to sit down. I want to say something so badly, but I can’t. I don’t have any right to defend myself.

Dad keeps going. “I really wish it would have you that was in that car. At least we would still have a child. You’re completely worthless.”

I feel a growl growing deep within my chest. My breathing accelerates and I clench my fists. I’m surprised that I don’t crack my phone with the death grip I have on it. “I know that,” I grind out through my teeth.

“What’s worse is that now we will never know what Kaitlin could have beco
me because of your irresponsibility and selfishness,” he continues.

I can’t take it anymore. I snap.

“Don’t you think I don’t fucking know that!?! I’m so fucking sick of hearing about it every damn time you decide to call and rub this shit in my face! I know it’s all my fucking fault!” I scream into the phone before I hang up and throw it across the room. It hits the wall just outside of the bedroom door and shatters.

I’m shaking and can’t get my breathing under control. My veins feel like they're surging with electricity and the room feels like it’s spinning off its axis. Suddenly I feel small warm hands pulling my own hands down and away from my face. I open my eyes and I see Lynae kneeling on the floor in front of me, between my knees. Her eyes are wide and scared. I can’t look at her. She’s heard me yelling and now she's going to want to know exactly what the problem is. She’s going to leave me as soon as she hears what I have to say. I don’t know if I could survive watching her walk away from me again.

The sunlight filtering in through the kitchen window is making the highlights in her hair sparkle and shine. She is so goddamned beautiful that I can’t stand it. I reach out a hand to cup her face. Her skin is so soft. I could get lost in her eyes if given the chance.

“Connor?” Her soft voice makes me lose all of my resolve.

I get up and run out of the apartment. I keep running through the garage and out the back. I stop when I get to the bottom of the steps. Leaning my head back and looking up at the sun, I let out a loud groan. I don’t know what I’m yelling at, but I just yell up at the sky.

Hands wrap around my shoulders from behind and pull me back into a soft chest. Hair cascades down over me and I inhale the sweet scent of coconut and mint. “Please talk to me, Connor. Don’t keep shutting me out.”

I let her hold onto me. She anchors me and calms me in a way I never knew possible. She is supposed to be here resting, not worrying about me and my issues. I shake my head.

“No, baby. I can’t. Not now.”

I know I should.

Lynae lets go of my shoulders and moves so she's standing in front of me. “Yes, now.”

I look up at her. Her head is backlit by the sunlight. She looks as if she has a halo glowing around her beautiful face. She is my angel in the darkness. “I want to…” I trail off. I want to keep this moment frozen in time.

Lynae crawls onto my lap, her legs straddling my own. She cups my face in both of her hands and looks deep into my eyes. “You have seen all the broken and ugly parts of me. You know my deepest and most painful secret, yet you still love me. You need to let me in. I know you have things you're hiding too. Things you are ashamed of. Just know I will love you no matter what. Just let me in.” Her eyes are looking straight into my soul.

I will love you no matter what.
Those words just came out of those perfect lips. Lynae is sitting here telling me she loves me. My heart beats hard against my chest. My breath catches. I have been waiting for her to tell me this for so long now, I almost can’t breathe. I know in this moment I need to tell her everything. I can’t hold back any longer. She is absolutely right. I know the deepest, darkest secret that she held onto for years. Knowing that secret didn’t change my love for her, it only made me love her all the more because of the strength that she had to survive it.

The only difference is
, my secret is something to be ashamed of. It is something I had total control over, and I could have prevented it. She says she will still love me, but I know the truth. Lynae will leave me. I don’t deserve her in my life. And this feels like the most painful thing I have ever done. Losing Lynae will be more painful than losing Kaitlin. I know I won’t be able to survive that devastation.

Taking a deep breath, I prepare to tell her about what a sorry and selfish bastard I am.

“It’s all my fault that Kaitlin died.”

Lynae leans back away from me, but keeps her hands on my cheeks. “I know that there is no way you can be held responsible for whatever happened to Kaitlin.”

Pulling her hands down from my face, I hold them in my hands and bring them to my chest. I keep them locked tight within my grasp, just so I can savor the feeling of them in my hands for as long as I have her.

“Yes. It is my fault. I killed her.”