Man With a Pan (16 page)

I just dump the flour in. The recipe that they have in that book has exact measurements, or close enough to exact measurements for making bread. But I started out a long time ago, thirty years ago, making the bread from this recipe, so I just slap it together.

You let it rise until it almost doubles, and then you mix in about a quarter cup of oil and roughly two teaspoons of salt. Then add in the rest of your dry ingredients—you know, the rest of the whole-wheat flour. When I make the sponge, I usually split it between whole wheat and unbleached flour just because I found that the 100 percent whole wheat flour recipe is a little too dense. I mix in the dry ingredients. And then you knead it for—if you use the counting method, you can do it for about a hundred turns, and maybe ten minutes of kneading. Then you oil the bowl and put the bread back in. And you let it do a second rise. And after it’s done that second rise, I turn it into loaves. The Tassajara book recommends punching it down and doing one more rise, but I found that you don’t need to do it.

I bake two loaves a week, roughly, for the general consumption. Charles is a PB&J kind of guy on homemade bread. One time I bought a loaf of Freihofer’s 100 percent whole wheat. And he said, “Dad, I don’t really want it on that bread. I want it on the bread you make,” which was kind of nice. It was very gratifying.

Once in a while, the boys will help me make the bread. It gets kind of exciting when you have to flip it over and knead it and work some flour into it. They make little piles of flour on the side. I’m really happy that the boys see that there’s more than one way for a family to operate. Their mother is the principal breadwinner and goes off to work every day. Interestingly enough, we live in a town where, as small a population as we are, it’s not that uncommon. I can tick off on my hand about at least five dads I know who do a similar thing.

Recipe File

Tofu Bolognese

1 cake extra-firm tofu (size in plastic packages), frozen
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium-size onion or larger (depending on one’s taste) 1 clove garlic
1 jar good basil tomato sauce or equivalent homemade
½ cup dry red wine (optional)
Capers to taste

Thaw the tofu and squeeze out any remaining water, then crumble the tofu and mix it in a bowl with the soy sauce.

Sauté the garlic and onion until the onion starts to go opaque.

Add the crumbled tofu and brown slightly as one would ground beef or veal.

Add the tomato sauce, wine, and capers.

Simmer for 10 minutes.

Serve over the pasta of your choice.

MATT GREENBERG

The Ribbing
A Screenplay

Matt Greenberg is a film and television writer specializing in horror, sci-fi, and fantasy. His credits include the films
1408, Reign of Fire,
and
Halloween: H20.
He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and three daughters, none of whom likes scary movies.

Ominous music plays as we

FADE IN:

EXT. SIERRA MOUNTAINS - DAY

A lone Prius drives along a ribbon of mountain road.

INT. PRIUS

40-year-old screenwriter MARC GREENBAUM is behind the wheel. Like all screenwriters, he is incredibly handsome, brilliant, and well adjusted.

LORELEI, his young wife, sits next to him. Like all screenwriters’ spouses, she is perfect in every way.

LORELEI

(Without a hint of exposition)

… Honey, I think it’s just great you decided to take this job as a winter caretaker for an isolated hotel resort with a questionable history.

MARC

(Cocky smile)

Well, baby, I figured we could all use some time away from Hollywood.

STANLEY (O.S.)

I thought it was ’cause your career’s in the toilet.

This from STANLEY, their 7-year-old son, who is sitting in the back. Despite certain Oedipal issues, he is also well adjusted.

MARC

Naw, tiger. Daddy’s business is just a little slow right now.

STANLEY

Your agent says you can’t get arrested.

MARC

LIES! I’M AT THE TOP OF MY GAME!!

LORELEI

Honey, please. I’m sure once you finish your spec screenplay, we’ll be fine.

MARC

Damn straight. The important thing is we’re together. And we’re all incredibly well adjusted …

CUT TO:

EXT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT - DAY

A HOTEL MANAGER shows Marc and his family around.

HOTEL MANAGER

… as you can see, everything here is kid safe and family friendly. Except for the fact that you’ll be completely cut off from civilization without any hope of rescue, you shouldn’t have a problem …

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - HOTEL RESORT

The Hotel Manager leads them through the kitchen.

STANLEY

But what if something goes wrong?

MARC

Stan, we’re a close-knit Hollywood family. What could possibly go … ?

Marc suddenly stops. He’s just seen what sits in the back of the room …

THE MOST AMAZING BBQ/GRILL EVER

A brand name emblazoned on the front:
PSYCHO GRILL 1000
.

Marc stares as if he’s just seen a vision of God.

HOTEL MANAGER

She’s a beaut, all right. This baby can grill, barbecue, rotisserie …

Stanley suddenly starts to CONVULSE.

HOTEL MANAGER (CONT’D)

Is he all right?

LORELEI

Oh, he’s just having a psychic moment.

Stanley’s index finger points at the grill and starts to speak in an ominous voice.

STANLEY’S FINGER

Evil! Evil!

Stanley’s eyes roll up in his head. He passes out. Embarrassed pause.

MARC

Maybe we should up his Ritalin.

HOTEL MANAGER

Well, to be honest … we have had a few issues with this grill.

The Hotel Manager pulls out a photo of a very trim MAN.

HOTEL MANAGER (CONT’D)

Our last winter caretaker used it. I’m afraid he got a little … carried away.

The Hotel Manager shows them a SECOND PHOTO of the same man. He is now 400 pounds. He lies dead, killed by congestive heart failure, his face in a bowl of BBQ sauce.

LORELEI

Oh, that wouldn’t happen to us. We’re strictly low-fat semivegetarians. Isn’t that right, schnookums?

Marc stares at the grill. His mouth twitches.

CUT TO:

EXT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT - DAYS LATER

One week later. Winter has begun to set in.

INT. KITCHEN - HOTEL RESORT

Marc cooks low-fat veggie burgers on the Psycho Grill 1000. It’s his first time grilling.

INT. DINING ROOM - HOTEL RESORT

The low-fat veggie burgers sit on the table. They’re burned to a crisp and are as hard as bricks.

The family sits staring at Marc’s handiwork. Embarrassed silence.

STANLEY

Maybe you should stick to microwaving.

CUT TO:

INT. GREAT ROOM - HOTEL RESORT

Marc sits at his computer, staring morosely at the screen. Lorelei enters.

LORELEI

How’s the spec screenplay coming, hon?

She looks at the computer screen. All Marc has written is the title page:

UNTITLED “AVATAR” MEETS “THE HANGOVER” PROJECT.

MARC

(Defensive) It’s a start!

LORELEI

No pressure, sweetie. I’m sure the tax lien on the house can wait.

She kisses him sweetly -- thinking about the neurosurgeon she could have married -- then leaves.

Marc puts his head in his hands.

MARC

Can’t I do anything right?

He looks up … and is shocked to see

THE PSYCHO GRILL 1000

Sitting across from his desk. Someone -- or perhaps some
thing
-- has wheeled it there.

A PIECE OF PAPER is taped to its front. Words in bold are written:
YOU CAN MAKE THE PERFECT BURGER.

Below these words is a RECIPE. Marc reads the recipe. He raises an eyebrow.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - SERIES OF SHOTS

Marc uses the recipe to make the perfect burger.

He mixes 1 POUND OF GROUND CHUCK with 1 POUND OF GROUND SIRLOIN.