Man With a Pan (18 page)

Marc then makes a quick DRY RUB by combining 1/4 CUP OF PAPRIKA, 2 TABLESPOONS OF SALT, and 2 TABLESPOONS OF BROWN SUGAR.

He massages the rub vigorously into the ribs.

Now he sets up the grill for INDIRECT GRILLING (the same as he did for the chicken). He puts a drip pan in the middle, throws soaked wood chips on the coals, then replaces the grate.

He lays the rib slabs out over the drip pan.

He closes the lid and begins to cook the ribs at 300 to 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT for 1 1/4 HOURS.

While the ribs cook, he puts 2 CUPS OF THE SECOND MARINADE in a pot. He throws in 1/2 CUP OF APPLE CIDER VINEGAR and brings the marinade to a boil. He turns down the heat to low and lets it simmer for 30 MINUTES, stirring occasionally.

When the ribs have cooked, he bastes them again with the marinade. He then closes the lid and lets them cook for another 30 TO 45 MINUTES.

He removes the ribs from the grill and lets them rest for 10 MINUTES …

CUT TO:

INT. GREAT ROOM

Lorelei enters.

LORELEI

Marc?

No answer. She goes over to his computer. He has printer out what looks to be his spec screenplay.

ANGLE ON - THE SCREENPLAY

120 pages of a single, repeated sentence:
BARBECUE IS NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST!

MARC (V.O.)

You like it?

Lorelei spins around to see Marc, splattered in various sauces, completely insane. In one hand he holds a plate of the most magnificent smoked ribs ever.

In the other hand he holds AN AX.

MARC (CONT’D)

(Offering the ribs)

Try some.

Lorelei screams and runs from the room to

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Lorelei races into the hallway toward an elevator.

The elevator door opens … and a FLOOD OF BLOODRED BARBECUE SAUCE SPEWS FROM IT!

CUT TO:

INT. STANLEY’S ROOM

Lorelei bursts into the room, covered in barbecue sauce. She locks the door.

STANLEY

Is dinner ready?

CRASH!! Marc’s ax starts smashing through the door.

MARC (O.S.)

C’mon, it’s good! Don’t make me chop you up into little pieces.

Lorelei grabs their snowshoes. She and Stanley climb through a window.

CUT TO:

EXT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT - NIGHT

Lorelei and Stanley, now wearing their snowshoes, rush off into the night.

Marc emerges from the hotel. His now 400-pound frame starts sinking into the snow as if it were quicksand.

MARC

Guys, don’t go! I made apple cobbler … !

Marc disappears into the snow.

CUT TO:

EXT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT - NEXT DAY

Marc, pathetically frozen to death.

CUT TO:

INT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT

TRACKING SHOT through the hotel. We come to a series of framed photographs on the wall. They are all of former BARBECUE PIT MASTERS who’ve worked the grill.

HOLD ON final photo: Marc, standing happily by the Psycho Grill 1000, a plate of thick, juicy ribs in his hands, smile frozen in an eternity of bliss …

FADE TO BLACK.

THE END.

“Now, now Grigsby, we must wait for the weekend.”

Recipe File

Grilled Burgers with Herb Butter

Makes 6 hamburgers

½ cup butter, softened
Assorted fresh herbs: basil, chives, parsley, and so forth
½ head (or less) roasted garlic (optional)
½ cup (or less) roasted onion, chopped (optional)
2 tablespoons Parmesan cheese (optional)
1 pound ground sirloin
1 pound ground chuck
Salt
Pepper
Garlic powder (optional)
Onion powder (optional)

Sprinkle the softened butter with the fresh herbs (the choice of herbs and amount is up to the cook, though I usually use 1 tablespoon each). Ditto with the roasted garlic and/or onion and/or Parmesan, if using. Mash together with a fork till well combined.

Lay out the herb-butter mixture on a piece of wax paper. Roll the paper into a cylinder about ¾ inch in diameter. Place the cylinder in the freezer for 30 minutes or until the mixture is frozen.

Prepare the burgers by thoroughly mixing the ground sirloin and chuck. Season with salt and pepper to taste (additional seasonings, like garlic or onion powder, can be added if you are not using fresh onion or garlic in the herb butter).

Form meat into 6 patties, ⅓ pound each. With your thumb, make a depression in the center of each patty.

Take the frozen butter cylinder from the refrigerator and remove the wax paper. Slice ¼-inch-thick rounds from the cylinder.

Place 1 butter round (or more) in the depression of each hamburger patty. Cover it over with meat so that the butter round is now in the center of the burger.

If you’re using a charcoal grill, set charcoal in the grill. Grills vary, so the amount of charcoal may as well. See the directions for your particular grill. Most important, do
not
overfill.

Light the charcoal. You can use lighter fluid if you must, but I think it affects the flavor of the food. If possible, invest in a chimney starter (basically a small metal cylinder with which you can get a handful of coals burning).

Once the fire is lit, let it burn down until a fine layer of white ash covers the coals. This can take time, up to 40 minutes on some grills, so plan accordingly. Do
not
start cooking too early, while the coals are sending up flames.

Once the coals are red, rake up some of the coals to one side of the grill. By doing this, you will create two heat zones: one of high heat, one of low-medium heat.

Before you set your metal grill over the coals, brush it with vegetable oil to keep the meat from sticking.

If you’re using a gas grills, lucky you. Oil your grill, then turn one burner up to high and another up to medium-low, creating your two heat zones.

To cook, place all 6 patties on the hot side of the grill (where you have raked a majority of the coals). Sear the hamburgers on both sides, about 1 minute per side.

Once you’ve seared them, move the patties to the cooler side of the grill. Close the lid and cook for 2 to 3 minutes. Open the lid, flip the burgers, and cook another 2 to 3 minutes, depending on how well done you prefer your beef.

Remove the patties from the grill and let them rest for a couple of minutes (this is an important step, as it will allow the juices to flow back through the burger).

If you wish, you may melt the remaining herb butter and brush it on top of the hamburgers (or, alternatively, on the buns) for extra taste.

Beer-Can Chicken

Serves 4 to 6

1½ cups kosher salt
2 cups brown sugar
3 tablespoons chopped garlic
1 tablespoon pepper
3 quarts water, preferably purified
1 whole 6-pound chicken Garlic oil (regular canola oil will do in a pinch)
1 16-ounce can of your favorite beer
1 cup wood chips (cherry or apple preferred, available online or at BBQ stores), soaked for 1 hour in water
Drip pan

Combine the salt, brown sugar, garlic, and pepper with the water in a nonreactive container big enough to hold the chicken. This is the brine.

Remove the neck and giblet packet from within the chicken’s cavity, then place the chicken in the brine. Put the container in the refrigerator.

Let the chicken marinate in the brine for 12 to 24 hours.

Remove the chicken from the brine and wash thoroughly in fresh water, then rub it inside and out with the garlic-infused oil.

Completely remove the top from the can of beer. Pour out (or imbibe) about ⅔ of the beer. Insert beer can into the back opening of the chicken, working it up into the chest cavity just enough so that the chicken can “stand” vertically using its legs and the can as a tripod.

Soak a handful of wood chips in water for 1 hour or more. As noted, cherry or apple is preferred.
Never
use pine.

If you’re using a charcoal grill, light the coals and let the fire burn down, following the instructions for the previous recipe.

Rake the coals to either end of the grill, creating a space in the middle. Into this space, place a metal or aluminum-foil drip pan. You have now set up your grill for indirect grilling. This turns the grill into a kind of oven.

Throw the wood chips on the coals. Shortly they will begin to smoke. This will flavor the meat as it cooks.

Note: If your grill is not large enough to rake the coals to either end and have an ample space for a drip pan in the middle, do the following: Rake all the coals to one side and place the drip pan on the other. Put down the metal grill and place the chicken over the side with the drip pan. This is not ideal, but it will do the trick. The important thing is to not have the meat directly over the heat source.

If you’re using a gas grill, light the burners on either end of the grill, leaving the middle burner off.

Do
not
throw wood chips directly onto the flames. If your grill does not come with a special drawer for wood chips, you may either purchase a special metal box with grates from any BBQ store for this purpose or make your own: Take a large sheet of aluminum foil, put the wood chips in the center, and fold the foil around it, creating a fully enclosed pouch. Cut some holes in the top of the foil so that the smoke may escape.

Oil the grill and place it over the coals. Set the beer-can chicken on the grill over the drip pan. Close the grill’s lid.

Cook for roughly 2 hours (about 20 minutes per pound) at 300°F. Do
not
cook at a higher temperature, as the idea here is to cook low and slow.

With charcoal grills, you can adjust the temperature by opening or closing various vents. Keeping the vents open will allow more oxygen in, which will make the coals burn hotter; keeping them closed will make the grill go cooler. See the instructions for your specific grill. If necessary, you can add fresh coals to up the heat.

Keep the lid closed, only opening once or twice to baste the chicken with garlic-infused oil.

When finished cooking, insert a meat thermometer into the thickest part of the thigh. It should read about 160°F (if not, let it cook a little longer). Remove the chicken from the grill and let it rest about 5 to 10 minutes (its internal temperature will rise, as it’s still cooking inside).

Carefully remove the beer can from chicken.
Caution:
The beer will be hot. If possible, have another person help you.

Carve and serve.

Three-Day Ribs

Serves 6 to 8

Yeah, this recipe takes a whole chunk of your life, but if done correctly it’s so worth the wait.

6 pounds (two slabs) of pork spareribs
2 cups plain yogurt
2 cups ketchup
2 cups Dr Pepper (regular,
not
diet) 1 cup brown sugar
¼ cup honey
¼ cup apple juice
½ cup soy sauce
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 teaspoon white pepper
¼ cup paprika
2 tablespoons salt
2 tablespoons brown sugar Cayenne pepper and/or chili powder if you like your ribs spicy
1 cup wood chips, soaked in water for 1 hour Drip pan
½ cup apple cider vinegar

Optional step: Remove the thin membrane of skin that covers the bone side of the ribs. This can be done by cutting a slit into the membrane, then slowly working a butter knife underneath it. Alternatively, you can ask your butcher to do this. This step is not 100 percent necessary but will help fully integrate the marinades into the meat.

If it hasn’t been removed already, cut off the thick flap of meat that hangs over the bone side. (You may marinate and BBQ this piece separately, then later shred it and add it to a pot of baked beans if so inclined.)