Man With a Pan (17 page)
He seasons it with SALT, PEPPER, GARLIC, and ONION POWDER.
He seasons A STICK OF BUTTER by mixing it with HERBS OF CHOICE, then rolls it into a cylinder and freezes it.
He slices pats of the frozen butter.
He takes the seasoned beef and builds 3/4-INCH PATTIES. He makes an indentation in the center of each patty and places a slice of frozen butter there. He covers the butter slice with more meat so it is now in the center of the burger.
He lights the charcoal in the grill. He PATIENTLY waits for the flames to die down until there are only coals covered with a light gray layer of ash.
He rakes most of the coals to the right side of the grill, creating a HOTTER AREA.
He places the burgers on the hotter area and quickly sears them on both sides.
Finally, he moves the seared burgers to the left -- and cooler -- side of the grill so they can cook more slowly.
ANGLE ON - MARC’S FACE
Bathed in the baleful red light of the coals. A deeper fire has been set within him …
CUT TO:
INT. DINING ROOM
ANGLE ON - THE COOKED BURGERS. The most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen since the dawn of time.
Lorelei and Stanley are shocked at how good they taste.
MARC
(Enthusiastically)
So?
LORELEI
(Cautiously)
It’s great, sweetheart. But don’t you think this meal is a little …
MARC
A little what?
STANLEY’S FINGER
EVIL!
LORELEI
I was going to say “high in fat.”
MARC
(Devastated)
But I made it special for you guys.
LORELEI
I know, honey. But next time, why not cook something healthy? Like chicken.
Marc’s mouth twitches.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM
Filled with steam. Marc’s in the shower, muttering angrily.
MARC
(Mimicking Lorelei)
… “Why don’t you make chicken? Why don’t you stop drinking? Why don’t you give up Internet porn?” Jesus, what does she want from me … ?!
Marc steps out … and again finds the Psycho Grill 1000 standing by the sink.
Words have been written on the steamy mirror:
HOW ABOUT SOME REAL CHICKEN?
Another RECIPE follows …
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - SERIES OF SHOTS
Marc takes 1 1/2 CUPS OF KOSHER SALT, 2 CUPS OF BROWN SUGAR, 3 TABLESPOONS OF CHOPPED GARLIC, and 1 TABLESPOON OF PEPPER and mixes it in a pot with 3 QUARTS OF WATER.
Into this bring he puts a WHOLE 6-POUND CHICKEN (remembering, of course, to pull out the package of giblets and the neck inside).
He stays up all night as the chicken marinates for 12 TO 24 HOURS.
He takes the chicken out of the brine, washes it off.
He rubs it inside and out with GARLIC-INFUSED OIL.
Finally, he takes a 16-OUNCE CAN OF BEER and pours ⅔rds of it out. He sets the chicken upright on top of the can, working the can halfway into the rear of the bird.
The chicken now looks like it’s sitting on a throne. Its legs and the beer can form a TRIPOD so it can be cooked upright.
ANGLE ON - THE GRILL
Marc again lights the coals, letting them burn down. This time, however, he pushes half of them to the left, and the other half to the right, leaving a bare space in the middle. In this bare space, he places an aluminum DRIP PAN.
He has now set his grill up for INDIRECT GRILLING!
He then takes 1 CUP OF WOOD CHIPS (cherry or apple, no mesquite), which he has soaked in water for 1 HOUR. He spreads them over the hot coals. Plumes of rich-smelling woodsmoke rise up.
He replaces the metal grate. He puts the chicken upright on top of the grate right over the drip pan.
He closes the grill’s lid and cooks the chicken for roughly 2 HOURS (20 minutes per pound) at 300 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. He KEEPS THE LID CLOSED, only opening it once or twice to baste the chicken with the garlic-infused oil.
CUT TO:
A MEAT THERMOMETER in the chicken, reading 180 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.
REVEAL the BEER-CAN CHICKEN, now cooked to a crisp, delicious mahogany.
ANGLE ON - MARC’S FACE. Filled with emotion. He has seen the face of God …
CUT TO:
EXT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT - DAY
A month later. The entire area is snowed in.
REVEAL Lorelei snowshoeing with Stanley. They are moving at a brisk pace.
STANLEY
Can’t we slow down?
LORELEI
No can do, tiger. We’ve got to work off the calories from your dad’s cooking.
STANLEY
He’s
not getting much exercise.
LORELEI
That’s not true, Stanley. Your father’s working very,
very
hard …
CUT TO:
INT. TV ROOM - HOTEL RESORT
Marc, now a good 200 pounds heavier, munches on a bucket of freshly cooked chicken wings as he watches football.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - HOTEL RESORT
Marc and Lorelei make love. The bed strains terribly at Marc’s weight.
A timer BEEPS. Marc abruptly gets off the bed.
LORELEI
What are you doing?!
MARC
I gotta put my pork shoulder in the apple vinegar marinade …
Lorelei grabs him.
LORELEI
Marc, you have to stop. This grilling has gotten out of control …
MARC
I’m not just grilling, woman. I’m
barbecuing
.
LORELEI
It’s the same damn thing!
MARC
(Incensed)
Are you blind?! Grilling is cooking meat quickly over high heat. Barbecuing is cooking slowly over low, indirect heat! THEY’RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT … !!!
A sudden pain rips through Marc’s chest. He clutches his heart. Lorelei rushes to him.
LORELEI
Honey, please. You need help.
MARC
I need to MARINATE!
Marc pushes her away and storms out.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN
Marc paces, distraught, before tubs of marinating meat.
The Psycho Grill 1000 speaks to him in a DEMONIC VOICE.
PSYCHO GRILL 1000
They don’t love you like I do, Marc.
MARC
That’s not true! If I could just find a way to make them understand …
PSYCHO GRILL 1000
There is.
The Psycho Grill ominously wheels itself over to him.
PSYCHO GRILL 1000 (CONT’D)
Beef, chicken -- they’re all small fry. It’s time to put childish things away. To be a true pit master, you have to confront the ultimate challenge …
The Psycho Grill’s lid opens, revealing TWO HUGE SLABS OF PORK SPARERIBS inside.
MARC
(In religious awe)
The
Ribbing
…
The kitchen door SLAMS, locking Marc inside.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - SERIES OF SHOTS
Marc goes through his final ordeal.
He takes 6 POUNDS (2 SLABS) OF PORK SPARERIBS and stabs the meaty sides repeatedly with a fork.
He covers the ribs with 2 CUPS OF PLAIN YOGURT, massaging it into the meat. This acts as a tenderizer.
He lets the yogurt-covered ribs marinate overnight.
The next morning, he washes the yogurt off the ribs.
He then makes the SECOND MARINADE. In a bowl, he combines 2 CUPS OF KETCHUP, 2 CUPS OF DR PEPPER (regular, NOT diet), 1 CUP OF BROWN SUGAR, 1/4 CUP OF HONEY, 1/4 CUP OF APPLE JUICE, and 1/2 CUP SOY SAUCE.
To this mix, he adds 1 TABLESPOON OF ONION POWDER, 1 TEASPOON OF WHITE PEPPER, and, if he likes it spicy, CHILI POWDER and CAYENNE PEPPER to taste.
He whisks the marinade together till it’s well blended. He places the ribs in a nonreactive container and covers them with the marinade.
He lets the ribs marinate for 24 OR MORE HOURS.
He takes the ribs from the marinade and DRAINS THEM THOROUGHLY.
