Marching Bands Are Just Homeless Orchestras (4 page)

On May 17, 1846, Antoine-Joseph Sax invented the ‘80s soundtrack.

Misery may love company, but be prepared to take your shoes off before going into the living room. And don’t expect snacks.

Riverboat Demolition Derby. I can’t be the first to suggest that.

My primary objective in any meeting is to end the meeting.

I’m hoping for a Paul Simon kind of day. Short and pleasant enough. None of that Garfunkel crap.

I overheard a co-worker talking about the tranny in his truck. I don’t judge.

Heated flatbed scanners, people. I shouldn’t have to freeze my rear end off every time I email my landlord.

The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he’s a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa.

I must have slept like a log last night, because I feel like someone chopped me up and stacked me neatly by the garage.

I’m banned from driving muscle cars because I just tested positive for Yoplait lowfat yogurt.

I bet the town hall meetings in Germany were full of protesters comparing Hitler to Hitler.

It’s my way or the highway. Unless your way involves actual highways, in which case this shouldn’t be construed as an expressed endorsement.