Marching Bands Are Just Homeless Orchestras (6 page)

A bread bowl is just a poor man’s meat bowl.

We hate what we do not understand. I’m not really sure what that phrase means, but it’s a stupid whore.

Another day without anyone assassinating me. I’m practically the anti-McKinley.

Reggae music is awesome for five minutes.

A friend told me I’m out of touch. I laughed so hard I almost peed my Hammer pants.

Hey ladies, if you don’t want me staring at your tattoos, maybe you should lock your front door before showering.

Just finished up an interesting water cooler conversation. That guy sure knew a lot about water coolers.

The first rule of Scrapbooking Club is to tell everyone we’re in a Fight Club.

I’m at a coffee-or-murder fork in the road. Either way, I doubt I’ll be getting much sleep tonight.

If I must forget things in my old age, let’s start by forgetting the fact I used to remember everything.

My “Shakespeare in the Parking Garage” production was a failure. Seemed to be some confusion about whether or not we were actually performing on level 2B.

This week is so slow whoever plays it in a movie will win an Oscar.