Marriage On Demand (15 page)

Rebecca stared at him without saying anything. Her big brown eyes searched his face as if he held the answers to her questions. He wanted to tell her he wasn't good for anything, but he doubted it would matter. Maybe he'd convinced her and maybe he hadn't. Either way, he wanted her gone from his lab, his property and his life. He wouldn't make her leave the house; he'd already given his word that the children could stay there. But he was going to make damn sure that they stopped running into each other. Every time he saw her he thought about their night together. Worse, he wanted to repeat it. Even knowing she was innocent and he was the wrong man to get involved with someone like her. Even knowing she had the power to rip him apart and leave him bleeding. Even knowing she might be the only one brave enough or stupid enough to keep trying to get inside. He wouldn't risk it. He'd learned that lesson too well.

She lowered her gaze, then nodded as if coming to a decision. "All right," she said, her voice steady. "I understand what you're saying. Just answer me one question. Why did you buy the playground set for the children?"

He was glad she wasn't looking at him just then. It made it easier to lie.

The truth would only hurt his case. Buying the playground equipment had been an impulse when he'd driven to
Stockton
a couple of days ago. He'd seen it from across the street and had made time to go into the store. The sturdy jungle gym had reminded him of the fun he'd had with Travis and his brothers all those years ago. He'd bought it because those memories were among his best, and because the equipment had made him remember how having friends in his life had made everything easier. But that was only part of the reason. He'd bought the equipment because little David had missed playing on the swings.

Without trying to he could see the pain in the young boy's eyes. The pain of loss and abandonment. He'd once felt like that, when his mother had dumped him on some unknown relative's doorstep. He'd stood on the porch and watched her drive away. At seven he'd been confused, half hoping she would come back and get him, half praying he would never have to see her again. He'd loved and hated his mother with equal intensity. Until he'd grown up enough only to hate.

He didn't want that for David. He wasn't willing to get involved with the kid, but swings were no big deal. No child should have to survive without knowing some kind gesture.

But the lie was cleaner. He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets. "I needed the tax deduction."

Rebecca raised her head. "You expect me to believe that? You could have simply written a check. It would have required a lot less effort."

"If you don't like my answer, maybe I should just take it back."

"Tough talk. I don't buy it."

He shrugged. "Believe what you want."

She slid off the table onto the floor and brushed at the front of her skirt. "I can't win with you. You're always trying to make our conversations about something else. I'd hoped we could at least be friends, but you obviously don't want that. And I know I'm not enough like your other women to entice you to, well…" Her voice trailed off as a faint blush stained her cheeks. She started toward the door.

"Wait." He grabbed her arm as she walked past him. Her skin was warm to the touch. Instantly his body reacted to her closeness. He dropped her arm and tried to ignore the pressure in his groin. "You just invited me into your bed."

"I…" She swallowed, then raised her chin slightly. "I wasn't going to ask you for any kind of commitment. I just thought that since you were between women, and we'd already done that and it was very nice, that we might, you know." She managed to get out her entire speech without looking away from him.

She was offering him exactly what he wanted. Hot sex, no ties. Yeah, right. He studied her face. The wide eyes, the full mouth, trembling slightly at the corners. Long curly hair, tumbled over her shoulders. The warm weather and her time in the sun had turned her pale skin the faint color of honey.

She stood before him, a virtual innocent. She'd saved herself for twenty-nine years and now she wanted to be his mistress.

"Why?" he asked.

She cleared her throat. "I could use the experience."

Terrific. She wanted a tutor. The hell of it was he wanted to say yes. "Explain one thing to me. If you were so in love with
Wayne
, why were you still a virgin when he died?"

"I made a mistake," she said softly. Clasping her hands together in front of her, she stared off into the distance. "I convinced him to wait. I thought coming to him a virgin on our wedding night would really be special. A magical moment. Something wonderfully traditional in a world over whelmed by change." She looked up at him and smiled sadly. "It probably sounds stupid to you."

"Actually it doesn't."

"You don't have to humor me, Austin. I know the truth now.
Wayne
never pressured me, but I knew what he was j thinking. I guess every guy would think the same thing. We did other things, but never that. I was proud of myself, thrilled about my precious gift." Bitterness tainted her words, sharpening her tone. She swayed slightly and he thought about moving closer and offering comfort. He didn't. Even if she wanted him to hold her, he would only hurt her in the end. He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and curled his fingers into his palms.

"
Wayne
was hit by a car while he was out jogging," she said. "He was paralyzed from the waist down. It was about three months before the wedding. I still wanted to get married, but he wouldn't. He told me he wouldn't saddle me with someone who was less than a man."

"He couldn't…?"

She shook her head, then dropped her chin to her chest.

"He died hating me for that. I told him it didn't matter to me, but I could see the truth in his eyes. Every day he saw me, I was a reminder of all he'd lost. But I was too much of a coward to let him go. I was there, with him, every day until he died. It took almost a year. They said complications, but I think he lost the will to live."

Austin
exhaled a breath slowly. That night when he'd first realized what he'd done to Rebecca, he'd been shocked and unsettled. He'd never been with a virgin. He'd told himself it didn't make any difference. He hadn't believed it then and he didn't believe it now. Maybe it was cultural or part of a man's genetic makeup, but bedding her had been different from bedding all the other women he'd known.

"If it meant so much, why me?" he asked. "Why not wait until you were ready to marry someone else?"

She moved toward the door, then stopped and looked back at him. "Once
Wayne
was gone it didn't matter anymore I wanted it gone. You were the perfect candidate. I knew you'd never want anything permanent. Besides, I found out nobody thought of my virginity as a gift."

He had, he realized, surprised that her words slipped past his defenses and lodged themselves deep inside. He felt a small sting, knowing she'd used him. Maybe it was fair that she had, even if he'd always done his best not to use women, seeking those who shared his rule and staying away from the innocents. Until Rebecca. He'd unknowingly crossed the line.

No, he told himself. That wasn't true. Even if he hadn't known how inexperienced she was, he'd been sure she wasn't like his usual bedmates. Her crush had intrigued him, her sweetness had lulled him into forgetting his own rules.

"You took a chance," he said. "I could have hurt you."

"Oh,
Austin
, give it up. You'd never deliberately hurt me."

 
"What have I done to earn that kind of faith? You don't strike me as a fool."

"You don't strike me as the bad guy. I guess we're even."

She reached for the handle and pulled it. The door swung open. "You win. I'm leaving. You've made it clear you don't want to be my friend or my lover. I guess that leaves us neighbors and nothing else. Goodbye,
Austin
."

He let her go because it was easier than explaining why she should stay, and because, for once, it was the right thing to do. He'd hurt her. It was inevitable. She didn't understand why he wouldn't bed her, even though she'd made the offer on what she thought were his terms. He'd warned her that he was a complete bastard, but she hadn't believed him.

He headed back into the lab, hoping to bury himself in his work and forget about her. He laughed harshly. Not a prayer of that. For the next few days he would do nothing but think about her, until he knew whether or not she was pregnant.

What if she was? What if she carried a child? His child. He didn't know. He didn't want to think about her growing big with his baby or bringing a life into this world. He would kill before he would subject anyone to the torture of how he'd been raised. If nothing else, those years with his mother had taught him that children need love, stability and normal parents.

But he was the wrong person to provide any of those things. Rebecca would be a good mother, he acknowledged. Leading with her heart was what she did best. The smartest thing for him would be to forget it and not get involved. Unfortunately he didn't have a choice.

* * *

She'd thrown herself at him and he'd turned her down. After almost a week that still hurt. Rebecca sat on the cushions in front of the bay window of her bedroom and stared out at the grove of trees that separated the large house from
Austin
's loft. From her second-story window she could see part of his roof and a bit of one wall. Not very exciting, she admitted sadly. Yet looking at that corner of his barn thrilled her. She could close her eyes and picture him sleeping in that big bed, imagine the black satin comforter covering part of his body, but leaving bare an arm or leg.

She drew in a deep breath and sighed. She was hopeless. Despite everything that had happened between them, she was still wasting her time on fantasies. Hadn't she figured out that he wasn't interested? She'd made it very clear that she was willing to have a "sex only" relationship with him. No emotional commitment, no ties. And he'd said no.

She buried her face in her hands, fighting the wave of embarrassment that washed through her. Why had she done it? In the heat of the moment, when she'd felt his hands on her body, she hadn't been able to think at all. The wonder of being that close to him had overwhelmed her, and she'd known that it would be worth any price to keep him in her life. Even the price of being his mistress.

She raised her head slightly and glanced down at the plain cotton nightgown she wore. It covered her from shoulders to calves, draping loosely over her slight curves. It wasn't the least bit seductive. She didn't own silk underwear or paint her nails or wear exotic perfume. She still got excited about Christmas, and sometimes, on Saturday morning, she watched cartoons with the kids. No wonder
Austin
had turned her down. She wasn't really mistress material.

He'd told her to find someone like herself or Wayne and settle down. She'd told herself exactly the same thing. Only she couldn't seem to summon up any interest in dating. A couple of men had called during the past week, but she'd turned them down. She wanted to be with Austin or no one at all. The thought should have horrified her. After alt, it was time for her crush to start fading. It hadn't. She had a feeling it wasn't ever going to.

The more she'd gotten to know
Austin
, the more she liked him. The more she saw the side of himself he tried to keep concealed, the more she wanted to know his secrets and discover the real man behind the facade. She'd seen flashes of tenderness, and a gentle spirit. It would be a tough fight getting him to open up, but she had a feeling the rewards would last a lifetime.

She was a fool to dream. He wasn't for her. She should simply walk away and do her best to forget. But it was too late even for that.

Her gaze moved across the room to the open door to the bathroom. On the counter sat a small cup. The pink plus on the bottom made forgetting
Austin
all but impossible. She was pregnant. For a few minutes she toyed with the idea of not telling him, then dismissed it. First of all, it wasn't her way to conceal the truth. She wouldn't be able to sleep if she was that dishonest. Second, on a purely practical level, he would find out the truth when she started to show. In a town as small as Glenwood, an unwed mother, even one who was almost thirty, was going to cause some talk.

Okay, she was going to tell
Austin
, but what was she going to say? She remembered what he'd said about his own father, how his mother had used him for blackmail. She shuddered.
Austin
was rich. Would he worry about that with her? Not that he would care if anyone knew he had a child, but did he think she would try to get money out of him?

Rebecca stood up slowly and stretched. She would have to tell him right off that she wasn't interested in his fortune. She'd always wanted children. This isn't exactly how she'd pictured everything happening, but the baby was a gift from God. She was a little shocked, but happy. It was all going to work out. Somehow. If he wanted to help out, she would accept the offer, but she wasn't going to trap him.

A baby. She touched her hand to her still-flat belly. It didn't feel real. A life was growing inside her, a child she and Austin had made in that moment of love.