Master of My Mind BN (16 page)

I couldn't help but admire the man, not only for his
compassion and constant care, the way Tony seemed to always put my needs above
his own; but also for his strength.
 
The
man was a damn Boy Scout. He slept alongside me every night, and except for a
chaste kiss on my cheek or forehead, he didn’t once touch me in a sexual way.
The nightly ache for more was a frustration all its own.

 
He coddled me to the
point of madness, and every time I tried to reject his care, he’d caress my
cheek, my arm, or my hand and remind me;
“It’s a
Dom’s job to care for a sub.”
Tony had taken root in my heart. No matter
how much I wanted to distance myself from the emotions he roused, I couldn’t
stop itching to wrap myself around him and never let go.

While my road to recovery was long and bumpy, Doctor Coleman
seemed pleased with my progress. After being fitted with a shorter cast, I was
given the green light to start putting weight on my ankle, but I still had to
use a crutch. My mobility improved, but my anger and resentment that George had
kept a secret Mistress remained a constant, stabbing sting. The letter Reed had
given me, the day of the accident, had stayed inside my purse…unopened.
Convincing myself that the note was filled with bullshit lies, I couldn’t find
the wherewithal to read the damn thing. I wasn’t ready to forgive him.

Several times Tony tried broaching the subject of both the
restraining order and George and Paula, but every time, I cut him off, refusing
to open the box of my stormy emotions. Tony never forced the issue. He’d simply
suggest that I think of ways to come to terms with my resentment toward George.
I knew Tony was right, because ignoring my unresolved anger kept making the
elephant in the room grow larger and larger.
  

I sat in bed watching him straighten his tie as he dressed
for work. The man was captivating in his dark suits. I imagined his female
patients had a hard time focusing on their issues as they stared into his
piercing dark eyes and perused his scrumptious hard body. A sophomoric surge of
jealousy swept through me.

Tony stepped to the edge of the bed and cupped my chin in
his palm, forcing my gaze to his. A flutter of excitement swirled in my
stomach.

“I have a pretty light schedule today, but if you need
something before I get back, call Trevor or Savannah, okay?”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve got books to read, and
there’s
always five hundred channels of nothing to watch on
TV if I get desperate.” I smirked.

“Maybe you should keep the television off, and the books
closed today, and focus on forgiving George,” Tony replied, arching his brows.

And there was that damn elephant, sitting right in the
middle of my chest. I swallowed tightly and issued a slight nod.
“Soon, when I’m ready.”

“You can’t move forward,
Leagh
, if
you allow yourself to be chained to the past.”

“I know. I know,” I huffed.

“Good. Now do something about it,” Tony instructed with a
gentle smile. Bending low, he placed a soft kiss on my forehead. “I’ll be back
as soon as I can.”

“Have a good day, doc,” I called to him as he turned and
opened the door.

“You, too.
We’ll talk when I get
back.”

As the door closed, a sense of dread settled over me. His
parting shot left no doubt. Either I dissected my tumultuous emotions or Tony
would.
And dammit, I hated that he was right.
If I didn’t put the past behind me, I’d stay stuck in this rut of anger and
resentment. Truth be told, I’d grown weary of coping with the constant struggle
of George’s betrayal. I just didn’t know how to sort it all out.

It took several long hours before I finally worked up the
courage to open my purse. Pinching his letter between my fingers, no melancholy
smile tugged my lips as I stared at his sloppy writing. Indecision clawed deep.
Turning the envelope over in my hands several times, I finally tore it open and
pulled out the pages of George’s handwritten note. Inhaling a fortifying
breath, I began to read.

My beautiful,
Leagh
,

If you’re reading this, then
I am gone. I’m no longer your Master, and with a heavy heart, I release you,
sweet girl. Be brave and strong, and hold your head high as you find another to
nurture, care, and protect you. It won’t be hard. You’re an alluring woman,
with a stunning exuberance for life. You brought light to my dark and empty
world. I’m forever grateful for all the times we shared.

I’m sorry I’m not with you
now, to hold you close and reassure you. But trust and believe in yourself.
You’re a resilient young woman. Don’t allow my death to set you back. The
account I’ve set up will hopefully keep you in comfort for many years to come.
Should you need for anything more, Reed will be there for you. I’ve asked him
to intervene in the event that Matt should ever find you.

I only ask one thing of
you—don’t ever live in fear again, pet. Carry on with your life, and be happy.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, and I hope I succeeded in bringing you
joy. Thank you for the special times we shared, and do not mourn me.

If there is a heaven and a
way to watch over you, I’ll be with you, pet…Always.

Good-bye, sweet tiger cub.

George.

Tears streamed down my cheeks, and guilt weighed heavy in my
heart. None of his words felt ingenuous. In fact, I could almost hear the
warmth of his voice echoing in my ears. And for a brief moment, I remembered
the soft touch of his caress.

Yet something niggled in the back of my brain. Scanning his
words over and again, I realized not once did his message contain the word
‘love.’ Nowhere in the note did he confess or confirm that he loved me. I felt
my brows furrow as I wracked my brain trying to remember if he’d ever said
‘I love you’
out loud? I couldn’t pluck a
single instance. Had I imagined—through his overwhelming kindness—that he loved
me? Again, I shuffled through the special times we shared, but it seemed that
no matter how many memories I conjured, there was not one single recollection
of him
ever
saying the words. And while I
vividly recalled the countless times I’d told him I loved him, not once did he
return the sentiment.

How could I have ignored something so blatantly obvious?

Because you
didn’t want to.

A cold disconnect seeped through my bones, and an urgent
need to find the answer to one
very
important question consumed me. Snatching up my cell phone, I placed a call to
Reed. Fifteen minutes later, the phone trembled in my hand as I held it to my
ear. Beads of sweat dotted my forehead, and my throat grew dry.

“Hello,” the soft voice of an older woman resonated through
the device. I swallowed down my angst.

“Hello, Paula?”

“Yes. Who is this?”

“My name is
Leagh
Bennett. I
believe we had a mutual friend, George Marston.”

“Oh,” she gasped in startled surprise. “Y…yes, hello,
Leagh
.”

“I’m sorry to intrude, but I need a moment of your time,
please? It’s a question really… just one. Then I’ll never bother you again.”

“Alright.”
Paula sounded nervous.
She wasn’t the only one.

It was the moment of truth. I sucked in a deep breath,
already steeling myself for her answer.

“Did George ever tell you that he loved you?”

“
Wh
…
what?” she stammered.

“Did he tell you that he loved you? Please. I need to know.”

“I… don’t…my relationship with George was quite complicated.
You see, my husband, Terrance, suffered a stroke in his late forties. He’s been
in a vegetative state at a nearby nursing home for the past forty years.”

“I’m sorry, Paula. Please don’t think me rude, but could you
please just answer my question?”

I didn’t want to know about her life or the circumstances
that had knitted her and George. And I certainly didn’t want to hear the
details of their affair. I simply needed to know if he’d ever said the three
little words to her that he’d never said to me.

“Well, yes…All the time, in fact. Why do you ask?”

“It’s not important,” I assured her forcing an impassive
tone. “Thank you. I appreciate your candidness, and I’m sorry that he’s no
longer in your life.”

“My goodness,” she exclaimed, obviously surprised by my
condolence. “And if I may, the same to you, dear.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that. Good-bye.”

After ending the call, I sat on my bed, numb and empty. I
may as well have been floating in space. A cold void sluiced through my veins,
permeated my soul, and siphoned off any remaining devotion I felt for George.

Lost in a fog of thought, I didn’t hear Tony come into the
room. It wasn’t until he climbed onto the bed and cupped my face in his hands
that I realized he was back. Wearing a worried expression, he picked up the
pages of George’s note, still lying in my lap, and began to read.

Without a word, he joined me on the bed, draped his arm
around my shoulder and tucked me against his chest. I clung to him and breathed
in his manly scent, amazed that Tony knew exactly what I needed. And even as I
drank in his silent reassurance, I worried that I was setting myself up for
another brutal fall. But I couldn’t fight the feelings he fostered within.

“I phoned Paula a little while ago,” I whispered.

“You called her? Why?” Tony asked in disbelief.

“After I read George’s note, I realized that never once did
he tell me that he loved me. He enjoyed my company, in bed and other ways. And
on some level I think he cared about me a great deal, but I realize now he was
never
in love
with me. Paula owned his
heart. I was just… I don’t know…someone to fill in the gaps, I suppose. I tried
to convince myself that our relationship had been a charade, but that’s a lie.
He cared about me on a surface level; we simply lacked depth. I don’t know how
else to explain it.”

“You’re not upset that George wasn’t in love with you,
angel? You’re not crying or cursing. Aren’t you angry about that?”

“Every day since I woke up in the hospital, I’ve been angry
with him. It’s not solved anything, only made me bitter. It wasn’t his fault
that he didn’t love me. I was a fool to imagine that he did. But kicking my own
ass or wallowing in pity isn’t going to resolve a thing. If I’m going to pity
anyone, it’s George. I feel sorry for him. I mean, think about it. He spent
nearly his whole life wanting a woman he couldn’t have. He married Sloane
knowing he’d never have Paula and ended up spending the last years of his life
with another woman he didn’t truly
love,
me. It was
like the gods had played some kind of cruel cosmic joke with his life. I never
knew how cheated and empty he must have felt.”

“But you filled some of that emptiness,
Leagh
.
I know that for a fact. And yes, it’s not easy aching day in, day out, wanting
someone you can’t have.”

My body tensed, and I wondered if his comment was aimed at
me.

Tony let out a soft chuckle before clearing his throat.
“Paula’s married.”

“I know; she told me about her husband.”

 
“Then you know he’s
been incapable of loving her for a long time. I’m sure she struggled with her
own demons before having an affair with George.”

“Maybe.
I don’t know. I honestly
don’t care.” I shrugged. “I’ve spent as many days being jealous of her as I
have being pissed off at George. But the bottom line is neither of them had
much happiness. I think if things had been different the two of them would have
shared something uniquely profound.”

“I think they did, in their own way, at least as best they
could. So have you worked through your anger at George?”

“Not by a long shot. I’m still livid with him. Trouble is
,
staying angry with him makes me feel like a victim. I
don’t like it. Allowing George to make me feel like a victim is ten times
uglier than him keeping his affair with Paula a secret. Like I said, I just
feel pity for him. He spent years a hostage to Sloane’s greed. And when the
poor bastard finally got free, she blackmailed him. With so many odds stacked
against him, the man never stood a chance.”

“I think you’re right. I also think you have a wealth of
compassion inside that bruised and battered heart of yours. Life’s not always
fair. But I have a sneaking suspicion you know that first hand. Don’t you?”

Tony was digging for clues about my past, but I wasn’t ready
to unload that steaming pile of shit, yet. My trust issues had taken a massive
hit with George’s affair. I wasn’t ready to stick my neck back on the chopping
block quite yet.

 
“Yes. But we’re not
discussing the skeletons in my closet,” I whispered.

“I realize that. But long before Reed mentioned a
restraining order, my hand’s been on the knob of your closet, just itching to
open it.”

“I’m sure it has been.” I issued a wary glance at Tony.

“Good. You won’t be surprised when I finally pick the lock
on it, will you?” A devilish grin crawled across his face. “But I digress.
You’ve told me how you feel about Paula and George. Now tell me how
Leagh
feels.”

I scoffed. “You’d make a great shrink, you know that?” I
grinned as Tony threw his head back and laughed.

 
“So I’ve been told.
Stop evading my question, angel.”

“I’m not. I was just making an observation. Besides, you’ll
think I’m crazy.”

“I deal with crazy people all day. You won’t shock me. Now
go on,” Tony prompted.