Master of My Mind BN (5 page)

“Open your eyes,
Leagh
,” Tony
commanded. “Look at me.”

Lifting my heavy lids, I gazed at him as he studied me
intently. A wary expression lined his face.

“I’ll take you where you need to go, sweetheart. But you’re
with me. I want your eyes open and staring into mine.” His raspy voice was like
a match setting fire to an already smoldering blaze. The flames licked so hot
and bright, they nearly consumed me. “This is between me and you. I won’t be a
substitute for George. Do you understand?”

Tony’s words pierced deep. His image blurred as tears stung
my eyes and memories of George flooded in a deluge of pain.

Tony grimaced. “I know you’re fragile right now, and I don’t
want to add to your pain.”

I wanted to laugh at the irony—a sadist promising not to
hurt me. Tony pulled me to his chest. His engorged cock scorched and throbbed
upon my stomach.

“No matter how badly I want to make you feel better, I know
you’re not ready. But damn, baby, you’re so perfect,” he murmured.

“You’re so perfect.”
George had uttered those same words right before he died. Tensing as if I’d
been immersed in a pool of ice, remorse and guilt suffused every cell,
imploding in a rush of unholy sorrow.

Struggling from Tony’s arms, I shook my head. “You’re right.
I’m not ready for any of this. It would be best if you just got out.” Wrapping
my arms around me, I held in the ugly sludge of disgust bleeding within.

“
Leagh
, you’ve done nothing—”

“Wrong?” I mocked. “Oh, I’ve done plenty wrong. But I don’t
blame you. I blame myself.”

“No,” Tony challenged, wrapping his broad hands around my
cheeks. “I won’t allow you to punish yourself because I touched you.”

“That’s not what I’m beating myself up for,” I sniffed.
Shaking my head, I backed away from him. “It’s not because you touched me…it’s
because I liked it.”

His brown eyes shimmered in understanding, and he let out a
heavy sigh. “You’re alive,
Leagh
. And whether you
believe me or not, you needed that reminder. We’ve done nothing for you to be
ashamed of. George wouldn’t want you to slip away into the dark abyss. He’d
want you to go on and be happy.”

“I appreciate what you’re saying. Really I do. There’s no
way I can forgive myself.” Tears slid down my cheeks as my stomached pitched.

“
Leagh
, he’s dead and gone.”

Tony’s words awakened a volcano of anger inside me. As it
erupted, I drew back my hand and slapped his face. “Don’t say that!”

He gaped at me. Surprise, mixed with anger, gleamed in his
eyes before he closed them and clenched his jaw. As if trying to calm a raging
thunderstorm within, Tony exhaled a deep breath before looking down at me.

“I’m sorry,
Leagh
. He’s gone, but
you’re still here. You can’t stop living, angel.”

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Doing what?”

“Making me feel things I don’t want to feel.
Shoving things in my face that I don’t want to deal with.”

“To prove that you can’t pull down the
shutters and hide from life.”

“Maybe I want to.”

“I’m not going to let you.”

Great.
“I know what you’re doing, Tony.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

 
“You’re trying to
crawl inside my head and fix me. But unlike your patients,
I
didn’t make an appointment.”

“Look, all I’m trying to do is help you start healing in
healthy ways.”

A bitter laugh seeped from my throat. “Healthy? You’ve got
to be kidding. I have to find a new place to live and get a job. Hell, I don’t
know if I can put one foot in front of the other. Not to mention, I have no
clue how I’m supposed to sail through this bitter sea of despair churning
inside me. And you’ve got the gall to stand there and tell me my guilt isn’t healthy?
I’ve got news for you, Tony. My mental health is the last damn thing on my list
right now.”

“Then let me help you,” he implored.

“How?
Do you want to lay me out on
your couch and let you delve into my head? No, wait. I know. You want to cuff
me to a cross and spank my ass, right?”

A slow wicked smile tugged at his lips. “I have no doubt a
spanking would probably do you a world of good. And if I laid you out on a
couch, it would be to have you beneath me.”

Even as anger blazed in my veins, a hotter flame coiled in
my womb and spread through me at the visual his words conjured in my brain.

“Stop.
Please, Tony. Just stop.”

“Goddamn it,
Leagh
. I want to help
you through this.”

“I didn’t ask for—”

“No. And you never will. You’re too damn stubborn.” A wry grin
tugged at his lips. “Finish up your shower and stop drowning in your goddamn
guilt. Understood?”

“Yes, Sir,” I snipped, plastering a sarcastic smile on my
lips.

“Oh yeah, you’re in serious need of a spanking.” He grinned.
“Your clothes are on the chaise. I’ll meet you down stairs.” Tony leaned into
the droning water and kissed my forehead before he stepped out of the shower.

I exhaled a sigh fraught with anguish, sexual frustration,
guilt, and doubt. Each emotion swirled like an F5 tornado. Oz had nothing on my
surreal life.

With a huff, I smoothed a handful of conditioner over my
hair. Tony wasn’t going to give up or go away. It both rankled and, oddly,
pacified my ragged nerves. I had to find a way to deal with him. No doubt my
head and heart would soon become mortal enemies.

The image of Tony naked was one I couldn’t erase.
Dark erotic eyes.
Defined his bronze body,
wet and slick.
His massive cock stood at attention like a well-trained
soldier, with its swollen crest stretched tight, all but screaming for relief.
I’d no more licked my lips imagining the taste of him before images of George
shoved their way into my brain.

A gritty sludge of contrition enveloped me. Easing onto the
shower floor, I tucked my knees up to my chin and cried.

Emerging from the shower after a lengthy semi-therapeutic
cry, I spied the pile of clothes waiting for me on the chaise. If I let him,
Tony would take care of me, at least for a while. But I was a smart girl,
tending to an emotional cripple took a staggering toll. Not only was it taxing,
but it drained you and claimed a piece of your soul. There was no way I’d put
Tony through that shit.

Dragging the towel through my hair, I pulled on the clothes
he’d left me. Staring at the socks on my feet, they reminded me of clown’s
shoes. Glancing up in the mirror I shook my head. I looked like a poster child
for a thrift store.

Hanging up my wet clothes, the doorbell rang.
Wonderful
.
It was
probably Tony’s girlfriend or a pain slut looking for relief. “Just my luck,” I
grumbled under my breath. The thought of him explaining to anyone why he was
babysitting an emotional wreck made my skin crawl. Why did I let him bring me
to his house in the first place?

“Because the bitches of Rockford Estates changed
the fucking locks.”
I murmured in disgust.

“Enough is enough,” I scolded as I started digging through
my purse. I needed to call Julianna and ask if she and Mika could pick me up or
drop off my car. The need to get out from under Tony’s roof pressed in heavily.
Plucking out my phone, I punched in Julianna’s number. Raising the device to my
ear, I expected to hear her sweet hello. What I heard instead was a
computerized message.

“We’re sorry, but your account is no longer in service.
Please contact our billing department if you have questions regarding your
contract. Good-bye.”

“What the hell? Who turned off my phone?” As the words
spilled from my lips, anger began to pump through me.
Sloane
or Hayden.
My. My. Seems they were a couple of busy bitches while I’d
been holed up at Mika and Julianna’s.

“Goddamn fucking whores,” I hissed, and I threw my phone
back inside my purse. “Those mother-fuck—”

“
Leagh
?”
Tony tapped on the open door interrupting my litany of un-ladylike curses.

“What?” I snapped.

“What’s wrong?”

“Hayden or Sloane cancelled the service on my cell phone.”

His expression of worry morphed into disgust. “Don’t worry
about it. I’ll take you out so you can buy another.”

“No. I’ll do it,” I replied curtly. Closing my eyes, I
exhaled. “I’m sorry, Tony. I know you’re trying to help, but I just need my
car, so I can get out of your hair.”

“You’re welcome to stay with—”

“No. Don’t even say it.” I raised my hand and cut him off.
“I’m not staying here. I appreciate the offer and the help you’ve given me
today, but I can’t stay.”

Even as the words rolled off my tongue, I thought how easy
it would be to let Tony take care of me. But I’d be a fool to ignore what the
constant power struggle between us would entail.
Me, needing
time to heal and start a new life; him, exerting his dominance and taking
control over every aspect of it.
Not to mention the sexual temptation
I’d be faced with day in – day out. It was a no win situation.

“You could; you just don’t want to.” Tony smirked. His sexy
brown eyes twinkled and a shiver skittered through me. Yeah, it was much safer
for me if I left. “We’ll discuss that later, but right now, you’ve got some
visitors downstairs.”

“Who?”

“The gang from the club.
Mika
called to see if you got home okay. I explained what happened and told him I’d
brought you here. So he spread the word, and they came by here to see you. Come
on.” With a nod toward the door Tony extended his hand. I didn’t accept, for
fear his touch would set off my precarious libido again. I needed to cling to what
little sanity I had left.

As I followed him down the stairs, the familiar timbre of
Drake’s and Mika’s voices hummed through the air. I imagined the two bantering,
like always, and a roar of laughter all but confirmed my suspicions.
The two
Doms
had been friends for years
and loved to swap stories from their past.

I forced a smile before rounding the corner and spied Mika,
Julianna, Drake, Trevor, Nick, Dylan, and Savannah all seated in Tony’s cozy
family room. Drake and Mika held everyone’s rapt attention.

“And I’d just finished
uncuffing
Trevor when Drake leaned in on the cross.” Mika’s eyes danced in delight as he
recounted his story. “There was this loud crack of splintering wood and the
next thing we know, Drake is face first on the floor, still gripping the top of
the cross. I nearly pissed myself laughing, once I made sure he was okay.”

“Hey,” Drake barked with a grin. “At least I didn’t enroll
in a macramé class just to learn how to tie knots.”

“No, you enlisted in the Navy,” Mika jabbed. “Tell me
something, bro.
Was
it for the seamen or the semen?”

“Both, fucker!”
Drake beamed with a
huge smile.

Laughter filled the room once again, and Trevor issued a
forlorn pout.

“
Awww
, Trevor, don’t go getting
your feelings hurt. It was long before he met you, boy,” Mika gave a gentle
nudge to the blonde man sitting between him and Drake.

“Here she is,” Tony announced as he slid his arm around my
waist. All heads turned my way, and I felt like a mannequin on display at
Macy’s.

“Oh my
gawd
,
Leagh
!
What in the world did you do? Roll a wino?
Girl, we have got to take you shopping,” Trevor gasped as he jumped up from
between the two big Dom’s and rushed toward me. Squeezing me tightly, he
lowered his mouth to my ear. “I love you sister, but you need some cover stick
for those swollen eyes.”

Trevor released me and issued a playful wink.

I looked down at my sloppy ensemble and groaned. “You don’t
know the half of it,
Trev
. On a scale from one to
ten, it’s been a billion point five on the
craptastic
meter.”

“We know, pet. Tony told us what happened over at George’s
house,” Mika’s tone reflected his disdain. “Don’t you worry about a
thing.
I’ve put a call into Judge
Landes
.
We’ll get Sloane and Hayden out of that house as soon as possible.”

“Please don’t,” I begged Mika. “As soon as George’s estate
is settled, I was going to have to move out, anyway. I’m sure that’s only going
to take a few weeks, maybe less. Thank you, but…it’s not worth anyone’s time or
trouble.”

“You’re welcome to stay with us, as long as you’d like,” Julianna
offered as she stood and moved in alongside Trevor.

“Thank you, but I’ll be just fine,” I replied as she bumped
a hip against Trevor, jostling him out of the way before swooping in for a
tight hug.

“Hey!” Trevor complained in mock anger, unable to hide his
grin. “That baby belly of yours could be considered a lethal
weap
—”

“Trevor!” Drake interrupted with a roar. “Watch yourself,
boy. Pregnant women have been known to kill for comments less sympathetic than
yours. You might wind up gutted by a Prada stiletto.”

“She would never,” Trevor gasped.

“You’re awfully sure of yourself, boy,” Drake admonished
with a raised brow.

“Yes, I am, because she’d have to find another babysitter if
she did bodily harm to me.”

“That’s right,” Julianna giggled. Her smile faded as she
stared into my eyes. “Are you doing okay, honey? You look…like a hot mess, and
rightfully so.”

Oh, I’m a hot mess alright,
but not like you think. I just need to find a quiet place where I can curl up
and die.
“I’m doing okay,” I lied with a sharp nod.

“Sure you are. If you find yourself climbing the walls, you
call me. I’ll be there to help get you back down. You got it?”

No problem. You wouldn’t
happen to have a spare cell phone tucked in your Louis Vuitton bag, would you?
Smiling through my anger, I nodded.
“Of course.
You
know I will.”

Mika stepped in, smoothing his hand up my arm before
wrapping me in a reassuring hug. “If you need a place to stay, we’d love to
have you. Understood?”

“Thank you, Sir. But all I really need is my car, so I can
start getting my life back on track.”

“It’s right outside, pet. Julianna and I stopped by the
house after the luncheon, and I drove it over here for you.” Mika explained as
he dug the key I’d given him out of his pocket. It was hard to believe it had been
only four days since I’d given him my spare key. It had been kind for Reed to
handle all the funeral arrangements so quickly. Still, it felt like four years
since George had died.

“Thank you both, very much.”

“No thanks needed, pet,” Mika assured as he and Julianna
moved aside.

“Sammie sends her love,
Leagh
.”
Drake pouted as he all but swallowed me beneath his beefy arms. “We’re here,
too if you need us.”

“Thank you, Sir. Where is Mistress Sammie?”

“She went home to take a nap. She’s going to open up the
club for Mika tonight,” he explained. “It’s still your home. Don’t forget that,
okay?”

“Yes, Sir.
I know.” I nodded to
Drake as I tucked my car key into the pocket of Tony’s sweat pants.

I’d no longer have to impose on any our friends—especially
Tony. For the first time in days, a sense of peace settled over me. After
receiving hugs and offers to move in from all the friends assembled, I forced
myself to take a seat next to Mika. These people were among some of George’s
most valued friends. Their love was testament to how deeply he had touched
their lives. Losing him had left a void in others hearts as well. I owed it to
him to sit and visit with the group. It would be rude for me to dash out the
door like I wanted to. I had to bide my time, then I’d make a quick escape.

As if reading my mind, Tony flashed me a wry smile that
washed me full of guilt, again. I quickly glanced away.

“So how did the luncheon go?” I asked, needing to focus on
something other than Tony’s shrewd gaze pinning me from across the room.

“Oh dear god,” Trevor declared with an exaggerated flip of
his hand. “It was like having a root canal while passing a ten pound kidney
stone out the end of your dick!”

“Boy,” Drake chastised in a gruff bark that easily drowned
out everyone’s laughter.

Leave it to Trevor to bring a smile to my face. God, I loved
that man. Not that I cared less for the others gathered, but I felt more of a
kindred spirit with Trevor. He’d been born and raised in the south, like me…
and he’d been dirt poor, like me. But he outshined me in strength and
perseverance. Growing up outwardly gay, he’d been forced to take a lot of shit
from
narrowminded
rednecks. Yet he’d survived it all
and come out on the other side with a gentle, loving soul intact. Trevor was a
strong princess, far more resilient than he probably even realized.

“Well it
was
, Daddy,
and we all know it,” he sighed.

“What happened?” I asked as I glanced around the room. I
couldn’t miss the way Savannah rolled her eyes or the collective expressions of
disdain on the others’ faces like something sour lay on their tongues. It led
me to believe that the luncheon had been ripe with drama.

“Sloane and Hayden were in rare form. Mostly Sloane,” Trevor
began. “We were standing in the food line behind the gruesome twosome and their
hoity-toity prune faced friends. I heard one of the old cows
ask
Hayden, ‘
Who are all these strange people, dear?
’.”
Trevor’s voice raised a couple of octaves, and he pinched his lips and
scrunched up his nose as he mimicked the woman.

“And without missing a beat, that snag-nasty slug Hayden
replied,
“They’re petty thieves that my father
exonerated. He had such a warm heart. He gave these riff-raffs a second
chance.”
Trevor tossed his nose in the air as he impersonated Hayden’s
voice, which sounded more like a snooty drag queen. I couldn’t help but giggle.
“I was so pissed I wanted to knock her off her
Manolo
Blahniks
and right onto her sorry ass. But why ruin a
good pair of designer shoes, right?”

“She actually said that?” I gasped.

“Yes and oh, if I didn’t want to bitch slap her into the
next millennium. So I did the next best thing.” Trevor’s eyes danced in
delight, and a mischievous grin lit up his adorable face. “As soon as Hayden
started talking to someone else, I dusted off my thickest Alabama accent.”

As he was doing at that moment.

“And I leaned up close to the nosy woman’s ear and
whispered, ‘All except us. Me and Daddy here, we shared a cell in Leavenworth
Federal Prison. It was a scary place for a delicate queen like me. But that
very first night I was incarcerated, they locked me in a cell with this big
ol
’ bear. He made me his butt-bitch within thirty seconds.
Why, it got to where I loved taking it up the ass for him so much, I just
couldn’t let him go when they finally released us on good behavior. And oh,
sugar, that big
ol
’ love muffin was better than good,
he was
fabulous
.”

Howling laughter filled the room. Poor Trevor couldn’t even
continue his story; we were all laughing so loud.

“So
that’s
what made
all the blood drain from that woman’s face,” Savannah chortled. “I saw you
talking to her, Trevor. Next thing I knew she looked like she was going to
faint.”

“Oh I wish she would have. That would have been priceless.”
Trevor laughed. “No, she just looked at me and flashed a fake smile so tight I
was afraid her facelift scars were going to split wide open. Of course, the
devil in me could not resist rattling her cage just a tiny bit more. So I
turned around and slid my tongue straight into Daddy’s mouth. I thought the old
bag’s chin was going to drop right into the potato salad.”