Master of My Mind BN (7 page)

“There’s nothing to talk about.” I swallowed tightly,
wishing he’d leave the whole sordid episode alone. There was no way I was going
to stand there and dissect what had happened in the bathroom. “Like you said,
it’s all normal stuff.”

“Yes, the need for comfort is, but I lost my head.” He
scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’ve wanted you for so damn long, and there you
were—in my house—naked and in my shower. I should have left you alone, but I
couldn’t. It was either
join
you and try to give you
the comfort you needed or put my fist through the wall. I never meant for my
actions to add guilt to your grief. I’m sorry, angel.”

Stunned by his apology, I didn’t know what to say. Leaning
in, I gave Tony an awkward hug before I tugged off his socks, and tucked them
into his hand.

 
“It’s okay. Look,
I’ll call you when I’m settled,” I mumbled before dashing out the door, and
into the pouring rain.

He stood on the porch watching me. I heard him issue a curse
as I slammed the driver side door. Thankful I had one piece of property Sloane
and Hayden couldn’t take from me. George had registered the little red sports
car in my name. Shoving my key into the ignition, the Mazda Miata purred to
life, and I backed out of Tony’s driveway.

Headed toward George’s neighborhood, I intended to stop at
the bank. He kept a healthy amount of cash available, and luckily neither
Sloane nor Hayden knew I had a debit card and full access to his account. That
should have given me a sense of comfort, but unfortunately I hadn’t relaxed a
stitch since leaving Tony’s.

His masculine scent clung to the clothes he’d let me borrow.
Images of his hard body and nimble fingers rolled in an endless loop through my
brain. I needed to buy some new clothes… ones that didn’t induce 3-D color,
Dolby surround sound visuals of Tony’s tantalizing dominance, his warm lips,
insightful gaze, and thick hard…
dammit!
I had to focus on something other than that man.

Pulling beneath the awning of the bank’s drive through, I
waited for the automatic teller machine to process my transaction. My behavior
with Tony had been appalling, yet I couldn’t erase one spectacular second I’d
shared with him. Turning back to the teller machine, the simple withdraw was
taking an unreasonably long time I blinked at the message on the display.

Your transaction cannot be
completed. The account is closed. Please select another option.

My heart thundered in my ears as my guts churned. “No!” I
screamed. White hot rage surged. “I should have killed those fucking bitches
when I had the chance.”

The ramifications of not having a dime to my name slammed me
like a sledge hammer. With a piercing squeal of tires, I jettisoned from the
bank, leaving a trail of smoking rubber in my wake. The road before me blurred
as tears filled my eyes. Blinking, I eased off the accelerator and glanced at
the parking lot of a strip mall, adjacent to the bank. Coming to a stop in a
vacant corner of the lot, I shoved the gear shift into park as tears dripped
from my cheeks.

Vacillating between rage, fear, and grief, a string of
obscenities tore from my lips. And as my body shook with sobs, I leaned my head
on the steering wheel and cried.

Misery over Sloane’s and Hayden’s cruel deeds morphed into
anger at George for leaving me, that slid into guilt for my actions with Tony.
It all eventually dipped into despair. I was destitute.

I sat in my car feeling sorry for myself and cried a long
time. Spilling more tears than I imagined possible. The dark skies rolled
overhead, matching my mood. Wiping my face on the sleeve of Tony’s shirt, it
was pointless to sit there bawling like a child. I needed to get my shit
together and figure out a plan of action.

Exiting the parking lot, I drove the city streets, unsure of
a destination. Stubborn pride kept me from going back to Mika and Julianna’s
house, and self-preservation stopped me from returning to Tony’s. Driving
aimlessly for hours, I was lost in a daze of indecision. No money, no phone, no
clothes, no home. Foolishly, I’d boasted to Tony I wouldn’t wind up under an
overpass, scrounging through dumpsters. It seemed my words had come to bite me
in the ass.

Sitting at a stop light, I glanced at my surroundings. Ironically,
I was a few short blocks from Genesis, and I hadn’t a clue how I’d gotten
there. Alarmed that I’d been so mentally out of it, I realized something must
have drawn me to the club. Gazing down the street, the massive courthouse with
its bronzed dome loomed in the distance. I wasn’t masochistic enough to drive
past it, and when the light turned green, I pressed on the gas ready to make my
way into the turn lane and flee that part of town. Suddenly my car began to
chug and lurch. Looking down at the gas gauge, I cried out in panic. The tank
was on empty.

“Can’t I get a break? Please? All I need is just one
motherfucking break,” I screeched,
limping
my vehicle
to the curb. Too pissed to cry, I wiggled my feet into the cold, damp heels I’d
worn to George’s funeral. When I stepped out of the car and slammed the door, I
snorted at my reflection in the window of a dry cleaner. Trevor would have a
hay-day if he saw my current fashion statement: thermal shirt, baggy sweat
pants, and black high heels. “Penthouse centerfold, here I come,” I hissed, as
I stomped down the sidewalk.

The cold rain burned my face and the clothes Tony lent me
were soaked in minutes. Tired, angry, cold, and numb, I made my way to the
entrance of Genesis. When I tried turning the knob, I shook my head. It was
locked.

“Of course it’s fucking locked! Why would it be open? Oh,
that would be too goddamn easy wouldn’t it? Being locked out of my house, every
fucking dime yanked from my fingertips, a car without any gas, ruined leather
shoes, freezing my ass off in this son of a bitching rain! Why on earth did I
even hope that the fucking door would be open?” Screaming at the portal, I gave
it a swift kick that sent a ribbon of pain straight up my shin.

With a heavy sigh, I trudged around the side of the building
toward the back parking lot. The wind and rain pierced my flesh like a thousand
tiny needles. Gazing over the gravel strewn lot, there wasn’t a car in sight. I
exhaled a heavy sigh before climbing the stairs to the back entrance. I didn’t
know the code to unlock the door, so I curled up in the tiny alcove attempting
to shield myself from the blustery cold wind.

I knew Sammie would arrive soon and open the club, so I
waited and shivered, praying she wouldn’t be long. The petite
Domme
was a fiery little thing but she held a world of
compassion in her soft heart. She’d let me inside so I could crash in the
private room George and I once shared. I’d be able to take another hot shower
and hopefully find some dry, warm clothes that Master and I kept stored in our
dresser there.

My chest tightened at the thought of stepping inside those
four walls without him. We’d spent so many nights lost in our own little world.
Misery had me in a stranglehold, and I couldn’t seem to pry its wicked hands from
my throat. For the first time in my life, I wondered if I was going to survive
the pain.

Looking up at the sound of crunching gravel and the soft hum
of an engine, I watched Tony pull into the lot.
Great.
Just fucking great.
It had to be him, didn’t it?
“Shit,” I cursed under my breath as he jumped out of his car, hunched his
shoulders against the windswept rain, and hurried toward me.

 
“
Leagh
?
What are you doing here? Why are you sitting
outside?”

“Can you please just let me in?” I asked, trying hard not to
whine.

“Of course, angel, but
why
are you sitting out here?”

Fighting the urge to fall against his chest, surround myself
in his heat and strength, and cry, I clenched my fists so I wouldn’t touch him
and explained the
craptastic
chain of events.
Ending my tale of woe with my abandoned car down the street.

When he opened his mouth to speak, another vehicle pulled
into the lot. Tony cursed, and a look of worry settled over his face.

“Hold on. I’ll be right back.”

He bounded down the stairs as the car pulled to a stop
beside him. Peering into the vehicle, I recognized Destiny, a massive pain slut
and one of Tony’s regular bottoms, sitting behind the wheel.

“Hey, Des.
Sorry but something’s
come up. I need to reschedule,” Tony explained.

“But you said to meet you now ‘
cuz
you wanted to use me hard. I changed all my plans for this. And now you want to
reschedule? You’re joking right?”

I could hear the bitterness in her voice.

“I know exactly what I said, girl,” Tony’s tone held a sharp
edge, heavy with dominance. It made me quiver. “I didn’t purposefully mess up
your plans, Destiny. But Dahlia needs my help right now, so you and I will have
to wait.”

“No, I don’t,” I called from behind him. “Just open the
door, and let me in. Then beat her ass and fuck her or do whatever it is you
need to.”

Tony turned, pinning me with a stony glare.

“I don’t follow orders from a sub, Dahlia,” he growled
before spinning back toward Destiny. “We’ll do this another time.”

Great!
I’d gone and
pissed him off. A proper submissive would never tell a Dom what to do; it was
known as topping from the bottom. But at that particular moment, I was fed up,
knocked down, and freezing my ass off. There wasn’t a submissive bone in my
body. There was no reason Tony had to rearrange his plans of a little
spank-n-fuck, at least not for me.

“Fine.
Dahlia needs all the help
she can get anyway,” Destiny sneered, her words dripped with sarcasm as she
flashed a hateful glare my way. “You two have tons of fun. Try not to break
her, Sir.”

Everything about the girl screamed of jealousy, and I wanted
to laugh. What the hell was going on in her peroxide saturated brain? Did she
honestly think I’d allow Tony to vent his ‘frustrations’ on
my
ass? Not in this lifetime… or the next.

Destiny sped out of the parking lot, sending gravel spewing
in all directions. Tony turned back to me. His eyes narrowed, his face lined in
an angry frown as he stormed back up the stairs.

“Don’t be
pissy
with me. I told
you to take her inside. You’re the one that sent her away.” I huffed as Tony
punched in a complex set of numbers on the security pad.

“You don’t dictate what I do, brat,” he scolded as he jerked
the heavy door open.

“Stop calling me that!” I bristled as I rushed past him and
marched down the long hall.

“Why? It’s the truth. You undermined my dominance in front
of another sub. I don’t care how shitty your day has been.” His tone was
downright caustic. “I’ve given you a lot of passes over the past few hours,
princess, but no more and especially not here. You’ll show proper respect, or
else.”

“Or else what, Tony?”
I snorted and
rolled my eyes. “You think for one second I’d ever let you beat
my
ass? Get real. We both know that’ll never
happen. You’re not going to lay a hand on me, so stop with the idle threats.
Got it?”

I folded my arms over my chest in defiance, shivering as the
cold soggy clothes pressed against my flesh.

“Oh, I got it. I’ve got a hell of a lot more than you give
me credit for, angel.” He stepped in closer, his warm breath fluttered over my
ear. “Stop pushing me,
Leagh
. I’m not going to tell
you again.”

The harsh tone of his whisper left no doubt, Tony’s patience
had run out.

Raising my chin mulishly, I gave a curt nod.
“Fine.
You’re a DM, so I assume you have a Master key that
will unlock George’s door, correct?”

“I do.”

“Then would you please let me in the room.
Sir?
”

“Only because you asked so nicely,” Tony smirked as he slid
the key into the lock. Pausing, his shoulders stiffened. He turned, and his
dark eyes softened. “Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”

“No. I’m not ready at all. But frankly I’m out of options.”
I choked back a sob, quickly swallowing it down. “Please. Just open the goddamn
door.”

“No, angel, you’re not out of options,” Tony sighed, tipping
my chin up with his fingers. “We can leave here. I’ll take you
shopping,
get you a phone, whatever you need. We can grab
some dinner. Then I’ll take you home and get you settled into one of my guest
rooms. You don’t have to stay here and put yourself through this. There
are
other options,
Leagh
.”

It would be so easy to take him up on his offer and walk
away from the painful ghosts waiting on the other side of the door. But I
couldn’t remain suspended in the murky limbo I’d been trapped in for the past
four days. I had to find a way to work past my grief and carry on, even though
I was scared senseless.

“Please, Tony. Don’t make me beg; just unlock the door.”

“Christ,
Leagh
. Do you always have
to be so goddamn stubborn?”

“Yes. If I’m going to survive this, stubborn is the only way
I’ll make it through,” I whispered.

With a heavy sigh, Tony swung the door open.

The spicy scent of George’s cologne as it wafted from the
room was a kick in the gut. Swallowing back a cry, I fingered the switch on the
wall and flipped on the lights. Nothing prepared me for the barrage of memories
that inundated me.
Safety, comfort—hollow.
Laughter,
love—empty.
Yearning,
need—anguish.

Tony clasped my shoulder and gave a tender squeeze. “I’m
here if you need me.”

Without looking back, I nodded stepped through the door, and
closed it behind me. Two steps into the room I closed my eyes and inhaled a
deep breath. Sandalwood and spice filled my senses. In the silence of the room,
I felt my heart reach out to George, craving to give him my surrender, one last
time. The harsh reality that he’d never again fulfill my submission was a tight
fist, gripping my heart.

Stripping away my wet clothes where I stood, I decided to
forego the shower and crawled onto the bed, snuggling down beneath the clean
sheets. The blanket still held his scent and I gathered it to my face,
breathing him in as bittersweet memories crowded my mind.

“I miss you so much, Master. I’ve been numb since you left
me. I’m sorry for letting Tony touch me, but for the first time since you left
me, I felt alive. It felt like I’d finally taken a breath again, but I’m so
sorry.” Tears dampened the blanket. “My whole world has been yanked out from
beneath me. Why did you have to die? I miss you so much.”

Sobs cracked my voice as I curled into a tight ball and
savored his fragrance.

“I’m so lost without you. I don’t know what to do. I’d give
anything to spend one more day with you, surrounded by you, wrapped in your
arms. Please. Help me find a way to go on without you.”

More pain bubbled to the surface as memories bombarded me. I
was helpless to do anything but let the crushing grief consume me.

“Nothing’s ever going to be the same,” I sobbed. “I need to
touch you, hold you,
feel
your calming caress. I’m so
fucking scared, George. All those times you whispered in my ear, telling me it
was going to be alright… it’s never going to be alright, again. Is it? Who is
going to hold me when the nightmares come? Who is going to talk me off the
ledge when the fears swallow me up? I can’t do this without you. I don’t know
how to go on, George. I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do.” Screaming the
words, my throat burned, and my head pounded.

“Oh, god, George!
I can’t survive
this. It hurts too much. Why did you have to go?”

I remained coiled in the covers for hours, pleading with him
to find a way back to me—to ease my grief—my agony—my fears. Even after my
tears refused to fall, sobs scraped the back of my throat. Exhausted and
fragmented, I hugged his pillow to my chest. Closing my eyes, I prayed that
sleep would save me from the agony that pumped through my veins.

Slumber evaded and eventually my keening cries subsided. A
strange noise emanating from the bookcase, against the wall near the door,
captured my attention. I felt my brows frown as I strained, listening to the
soft buzz.

My guts seized. So swamped with grief, I’d failed to
remember the hidden cameras and microphones fitted in the private rooms. I was
being observed. Since no one else was in the club except for Tony and me, I
knew he’d watched me fall apart.

Anger spiked as I envisioned him in Mika’s office, leaning
forward in the soft leather chair, staring into the monitor with a notepad and
pen in hand, frantically scribbling down every word of my insane pleas to
George. Tony had overstepped his authority as Dungeon Monitor. He had no reason
to eavesdrop on me. I hadn’t been engaging in a scene that required scrutiny
for safety’s sake. As if it were his right to spy on me, Tony had taken it upon
himself to dissect my grief.
Prying
son of a bitch
.

As the soft sound of angry bees emanated from the shelves, I
bolted out of bed and raced to the bookcase. Peering into the camera lens, I
narrowed my eyes.

“You’re an asshole, Tony!” I spat before raising my middle
finger to flip him off. “Leave me the fuck alone. You don’t have permission to
slice open my psyche, you got it? Go to hell!”

I slammed a book over the lens, blocking his view, and
stomped to bathroom. Splashing cold water on my face, I cursed Tony. When Mika
arrived at the club later, he was going to get an earful. I had every intention
of demanding that he strip the surveillance equipment from George’s room.

Fueled by my fury, I angrily wiped a towel over my face
before storming back toward the room. With a mighty crash, the door burst open.
Spinning toward the commotion, I yelped and impulsively tried to cover my naked
body with my hands.

Tony’s broad frame filled the portal. Anger seared his dark,
narrow eyes, and his nostrils flared like a charging bull. His brawny chest
heaved up and down in labored breaths. His fist clenched. The veins in his neck
bulged, and damn, if he didn’t look like sin on a stick. For one miniscule
second I ached to melt on the ground at his feet.

Sanity slammed me back to reality, warning me to tread
carefully with the pissed off sadist. Yet, in the back of my mind, I knew Tony
would never truly hurt me.

Unfortunately, the smart ass within took control of my
mouth.

“Did you enjoy the show?” I asked with a flippant jerk of my
head toward the camera. “I would have thought by now you’d had your fill of
watching me bawl and blubber like a baby. Tell me, Tony, were you taking
professional notes? Or do you have some kinky crying fetish?”

A wicked grin slashed his lips, and his eyes danced in
fiendish delight. His cold, calculating demeanor should have caused a wimpy
sub, like me, to run from the room screaming in panic. But I was too pissed for
self-preservation.

Without a word, he stepped inside and closed the door. With
a quiet snick, he engaged the lock.

“What do you think you’re doing in here? Get out!” I
demanded.

He didn’t say a word as he stalked closer. His methodical
movements revealed his intent, and like a runaway freight train slamming into
me, I knew I’d crossed the line. Crossed it? Hell, I’d obliterated it.

Glancing past his broad shoulders, the distance to the door
seemed the length of a couple of football fields. Tony would tackle me long
before I reached it. My heart pounded against my ribs as he continued to prowl
toward me… like a panther stalking its prey.

Even as my body trembled, I raised my chin in defiance. No
way was I going to show him the least bit of fear.

Silently, Tony clasped my wrist and pulled me behind him as
he stalked toward the bed. Plopping down on the edge of the mattress, he gazed
up at me…assessing.

“I asked what you’re doing in my room
uninvited?
”
I demanded, mustering as much courage as I could.

“You’re out of free passes, angel.” His smile was dangerous,
his eyes stormy. If he was trying to intimidate me—give that man a prize!—it
worked.

“Why are you in such a…
aahh
,” I
cried out in surprise as he yanked me over his knees before steeling a sturdy
arm around my waist and anchoring me to his lap.

“Get your hands off me! What in the hell do you think you’re
doing?” I shrieked.

Angry and frightened, I kicked and screamed as I tried to
wriggle free.

Without warning, Tony landed a fierce slap across my bare
ass cheeks.

“Oh, you did not just do that!” I growled indignantly. “Stop
this shit. Right now! I am
not
one of
your little pain sluts; you let me go!” I demanded as the fiery burn spread
over my orbs. Crying out again as he leveled another sharp slap, I seethed with
rage. “How dare you spank me like a child?”

“Oh, I dare, sweetheart, because you’ve all but begged for
it. And I have no qualms about setting your ass on fire each and every time you
want to pull the brat card on me,” Tony chuckled. He spanked me again,
unmercifully, emphasizing the gravity of my disrespect. “By the way, angel,
your
safeword
is
protocol.
”

I issued a howl as his hand smacked my flesh, over and over.
I screamed and bucked with all my might against his ruthless hold. Tears
spilled down my cheeks, and my ass felt as if a blow torch had been set to it.
But it didn’t stop me from calling him every vulgar name I could think of.

“All you have to do is say the word, angel,” Tony teased.

“Fuck you!”

“
Hrmm
. Nope.
That’s not the
safeword
I gave you, sweetheart.” His
condescending tone and taunting chuckle launched a more potent wave of anger
within. “Did you forget your
safeword
?”

“No, asshole, I didn’t forget!” I hissed as he brought his
hand down with a sizzling whack. It would be a cold day in hell before I let
Tony break me down.

“Asshole?
That’s not how you talk
to a Dominant, angel.” He all but purred his reprimand.

“You’re not a Dominant. You’re a goddamn sadist. Let me go
or I’ll report you to Mika.”

Tony snorted, sending me into a caustic rage. Leaning in, I
opened my mouth wide and sunk my teeth into his jeans. Tony’s thunderous laugh
vibrated over my entire body. He was having one hell of a good time at my
expense.

“I’ll stick a ball gag in your mouth if you try to bite me
again,
Leagh
, and as for Mika? Well, he’d probably
give me a pat on the back for spanking your ass. Trust me. You’ve more than
earned it over the years.”

And didn’t that make me feel like a total failure? Tony’s
reminder that he and everyone else in the club thought my submission
sub-standard was just one more crushing blow I didn’t want or need.

“Let
him
spank me,
because you don’t have
my
permission.” I
screeched.

“Just say the word and it all stops.”

“I will not
safeword
out. Not to
you, or anyone else, so let me go!”

“Somehow I knew you were going to say that my stubborn
little minx.” Tony snickered as he landed another brutal slap.

Boiling with rage, I fought to get free, but he was too
strong, too capable, too…everything. Dammit, he was going to win. I stopped
struggling, hoping that Tony would end this embarrassing lesson and leave, but
he didn’t.

I slumped across his steely legs, resigned to endure his
humiliation, as he continued to light my ass up. The heat sank deep into the
tissue as it rolled up my spine and melted down my legs. The burn wasn’t
unbearable; in fact, it felt calming, in a bizarre way. And as the sting began
to fuse with my bones, my thoughts grew thick like honey. As if by magic, the
scattered, broken chaos swirling in my head…stilled. All that remained was a
pinpoint of light in the center of my brain, pulsing in time with the echo of
slapping flesh upon flesh.

Floating away to a quiet, peaceful place, I couldn’t equate
the sensation to any past experience or emotion. I thought it strange that I
wasn’t attempting to compartmentalize my response to what Tony was doing to me.
Escaping my sorrow was such blessed relief, I simply let go and sailed away.

Having lost all sense of time, when I finally forced my
heavy eye lids open, I found myself lying in bed surrounded by Tony’s warm
body. He held me close against his soft cotton shirt, and I breathed in his
familiar scent as he lazily drew his fingers through my hair. I felt small and
boneless. My brain sloughed in a heavy fuzziness, but I could feel the icy hot
blaze throbbing on my ass cheeks. And the memory of his spanking swamped me in
shame.

Even as I tensed, Tony continued threading his fingers
through my mane. Gathering up my courage, I peeked up at him beneath my heavy
lashes. He stared down at me as a placid smile curled on the corners of his
mouth.

“Welcome back, angel.” His voice poured over me, deep and
smooth, like brandy.

“What happened? What did you do to me?” My question came out
a shy whisper. Still confused by the gossamer sensations swirling inside, I
struggled to clear the fog enveloping my brain.

“You took off on me for a bit.”

“Took off?
To where?”
A slight slur
clung to my words.

“Subspace, angel.
Haven’t you ever
been there before?”

I shook my head. Tony frowned and pressed a sweet kiss to my
forehead.

“How did you like it?”

How
did
I like it? I
wasn’t sure. A part of me felt off kilter…but in a good way. While another part
of me felt relaxed, as if I’d taken a soothing vacation. The mud miring my
brain made processing my thoughts much slower than normal. And while I was
stone cold sober, I felt drunk off my butt.

“I’m not sure. I don’t think I’ve landed yet,” I murmured,
burrowing deeper against his chest, gazing up at him.

Other subs had talked about subspace, but I’d always thought
it was a bunch of B.S. Having finally experienced it, I understood now when
they said it was mind-blowing.

He stared into my eyes, looking pleased. I wasn’t sure if it
was with me or
himself
. The longer he gazed at me, the
more uncomfortable I became. Was there a proper ‘after sub-space’ etiquette I
didn’t know about? What was I supposed to say,
“Thank
you, Sir; may I have another?” “Was it good for you?”
The few un-mangled
thoughts I could string together seemed superficial and utterly ridiculous to
say aloud. Unsure what to do or say, I tried to pull away, but Tony held tight.
Truth be told, cocooned in his strong arms, his masculine scent filling my
senses, and surrounded in the decadent heat of his hard body felt…perfect.