Me After You (20 page)

“I want to hear you say it.”

It didn’t occur to me that Lily would know me so well. I know we’ve been together for over a year, and I realize we’ve built our lives around each other’s, but I thought maybe she could see the cracks in our foundation. It’s too easy to give this all up. It makes it that much more clear. I have been so unfair to Lily.

“It’s always been Sawyer, Lily.” I’m not even talking about since Sawyer’s been back. It’s always been her. Even when she wasn’t in Willowhaven. Even when she didn’t know where I was. But I don’t say this.

She nods because I don’t think she can talk, but this time there are tears in her eyes, and it feels like I kicked a puppy. I’ve let this go on for too long. I should have ended it as soon as Sawyer came back. It was a jerk move to keep up with the charade. I know that’s all this is now. Even if I don’t get to be with Sawyer, I know I can never give anyone the love they deserve because I gave my heart away a long time ago.

“Lil,” I say, taking a step around my desk toward her. “I’m so sorry.”

She shakes her head rapidly, lifting her palm to me to ward me off. “No. Don’t. That doesn’t make it any better. I understand, okay?” She licks her lips and breathes for a minute. I consider saying something, anything, but I think it’s better if I keep my mouth shut for the moment. “I thought maybe when you came back it was my second chance. Sawyer was gone. I knew I’d always be second, but it was better to be second to you than nothing at all.” Her eyes lift up to me, and she shrugs. Her lips pucker as if she’s trying to suck back a cry.

That’s a blow I wasn’t expecting. I swallow and remove her key from my key ring—the key I never once used. “I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry that I have.”

Lily slowly reaches for the key and presses her lips together—biting them so hard I know she’ll leave a mark. She nods mechanically at the ground, unable to meet my eyes. She raises her shoulders in a shrug and looks back up at me. “What can you do? You win some, you lose some, right?”

“Right,” I whisper. I want to hug her, but I don’t know if that will make it worse.

She steps forward, quickly pecks my cheek, and leaves me without another word.

I watch her retreat and a punch of guilt hits me in the stomach. I did the right thing, didn’t I? Lily deserves more. She needs someone who is going to love her as much as she loves in return. That person isn’t me. I knew that from the beginning, but I hoped that someday it would be. And maybe it could have, but not anymore.

Sawyer will haunt me forever. I know that now. No matter who I am with, Sawyer will always perch in the back of my mind, watching and judging my every move and choice. So right now I’m making a vow, whether it is a vow to me or a vow to Sawyer, I haven’t figured that out yet. But I can't leave her broken. I have to see Sawyer survive. I have to see her put back together.

I have to make her mine again.

W
ITH
FALL
UPON
Willowhaven, Main Street has shifted from lush green canopies to wildfire. The yellow, orange, and reds blaze and drift across the street when the wind blows, creating a tunnel of color for me to walk through. I’m almost to my car when my phone starts to ring. It’s Blaine. Out of habit, I silence it.

When I sit down in the driver’s seat, my phone buzzes, alerting me of a new voicemail. The little envelope icon flashes at me. It’s sending me subliminal messages.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
Instead of deleting it immediately, I dismiss the message and toss the phone in my purse before heading home. I feel it pulsing from the passenger seat the whole way.

Once I get changed into some comfy clothes, I see my purse dangling from the chair in front of my vanity. Blaine has left me at least a hundred voicemails over the last few months, and I haven’t listened to a single one. I know why. He knows why. But for some reason when I see this new voicemail flash on my screen, I decide to listen.

“Soy, you know this is getting old, right? You haven’t returned my calls in over eight months.
Eight
months. Now if that’s not a world record I don’t know what is. So, bravo. Now you can either keep ignoring my calls, or hey, here’s an idea, you can call me back. It would be the most logical choice. Love you, sis.”

I stare at the ceiling with my phone still pressed to my ear and feel the tug of a smile on my face. I’ve really missed him. I don’t let myself think about it. I turn my screen back on and press his name.

“Are pigs flying? Or maybe hell just froze over?” I hear a smile in his voice.

“Hey, Blaine.”

“Took you long enough. I bet you haven’t listened to a single message of mine until tonight.”

“How would you know?” I counter.

“Because you can’t avoid my natural brotherly charm. If you hadn’t turned off your phone or listened to my first message, we would have talked months ago.”

I snort. “Don’t be too sure of yourself.”

“You’re missing out. I’ve left some really good material on there. I bet I’d keep you entertained for hours.”

I snort. “You’re so full of yourself.”

“So full of
awesome
.”

“Oh, right.” I laugh. “Must have gotten those words confused.”

He chuckles and then goes quiet. “Seattle misses you.”

“I miss you, too,” I say quietly.

The question hangs in the air, but I know he won’t ask it so I answer him before the silence stretches on any longer.

“I’m fine, you know.”

“That’s what Mom keeps telling me.” He doesn’t sound skeptical as much as he sounds like he’s waiting to call my bluff.

“But you don’t believe it.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe it as much as I think it’s the biggest load of BS ever spoken.”

“So I’ve got a few things I’m working through. But I’m functioning. I’ve got Mom and Dad. I have a job. Alix makes me socialize.”

“Oh, Alix. She’s still hanging around Willowhell?”

“I don’t know why you hate it here so much. I have more reason to hate it than you do.”

He chortles. “I don’t really hate it. I’m just glad I don’t live there. It’s a pleasant town, but it’s not for me. It isn’t big enough for all this personality.”

Blaine and I talk for about an hour, not once mentioning Grayson. It’s refreshing. He knows how to talk to me without needing to question every little detail of my life. He understands me without needing straightforward answers. He can pick apart everything I say and know exactly what I’m meaning without having to explain myself.

“You’re jerking my chain, right?”

“That’s a horrible expression, and no, I’m not. Mom really never told you, either?”

“If she had, I would have told you. You know I left that place before you did. I know about as much as you do. If I had heard he was back, I would have been there to beat the living daylights out of him that very same day.”

“That’s probably why she kept it from you, too,” I snort. “We don’t need any arrests to add to the family rap-sheet. I think I’ve racked up enough of a record for everyone.”

He chuckles under his breath. “You know I never hated Preston. I hate what he did to you, but he used to make you happy. Maybe that’s why Mom didn’t tell you he came back. She was afraid you would come back and forgive him.”

“Maybe I would have, maybe I wouldn’t. But she didn’t have the right to make that decision. Nor did she have the right to keep it from me. After all of these years, that’s what I think hurt most about coming home.”

“What she did or seeing him?”

“Seeing him,” I murmur. “It freaking drop-kicked me while I was down.”

I can imagine him nodding on the other end. “Have you talked to him since you’ve been home?”

“A little, yeah.”

“Have you given him a piece of your mind?”

“Enough of it.” I sigh. “But, overall, I’ve done my best to avoid him.” I know what giving him the time of day might do. My mind shifts to the other night and I swallow.

“It’s your life, Soy. I want you to know that no matter what you do with it, I will love you.”

My eyebrows scrunch together. “I know.”

“Okay. Well I’ve gotta go. Kierra is waking up, and Candice isn’t home from the grocery store yet.”

“Go take care of your family. We’ll talk later.”

“You won’t ignore my calls anymore?”

“If you’re lucky.”

He laughs. “I’ve got my foot in the door. I’ll take full advantage of that if you decide to cut me out again.”

“I’m shaking in my boots.”

“You don’t own boots.”

“Shut up. Love you, brother.”

“Love you, too, sis.”

When I get off the phone with him, I feel a little lighter. I lie on my bed and fall asleep to the pitter-patter of fresh rain on my windowpane.

There’s nothing but the sound of rain as it trickles down our bedroom windows. I shiver and Grayson tugs me against his chest, pulling the comforter up.

“The power always has perfect timing, going out when it’s raining and freezing outside.”

“I don’t think the power decides to go out because it’s cold,” Grayson murmurs as he tugs me closer to his chest.

“I do. The weather loves to torture me.” I pause and listen to the water plunk the glass like piano keys. “But I do love the sound of rain.” I sigh. Thunder rattles the windows.

“I love the thunder.” His cold feet find my legs.
 

“Grayson!” I scold with a laugh and shift to dodge the ice cubes.
 

He chuckles near my ear. “Oh, c’mon. My feet are cold.” He follows my legs across the bed, keeping me secure in his arms so I can’t escape.

“Stop it! You’re so cold!”

“And you’re so warm. Why don’t you share?” He nuzzles his face into my neck, tickling my skin. I love and hate the torment.

“No!” I chuckle, trying to maneuver my body so his feet can’t torture me. “Gray, I don’t like this game.”

“Oh, but I do.” His husky voice takes on a sultry tone, trailing painfully slow kisses down my neck.

“I think we’re talking about two different games now,” I murmur.

“I like this new game,” he says as he nestles me into the mattress with his face buried in the crook of my neck, pressing his lips down to my collarbone. “I could play this new game all night.”

I chuckle breathlessly. “Why don’t we?”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.”

***

I wake the next morning, and though I dreamed of him last night, Grayson isn’t the first person on my mind. It’s a startling revelation. It’s been nearly nine months since he died. The pain hasn’t subsided, but I’ve learned to live with it. It’s become a part of me, and I haven’t forgotten him, but I know I have to start picking up the pieces of my life. I promised Grayson I would. I failed him as a wife. I can’t fail him now. It’s time I started to make good on that promise. I’ve wasted enough time.

My decision is made before I can talk myself out of it. I hop in the shower and get ready to go see Dean.

As I slide into the driver’s seat of my car, my phone rings. Alix.
 

“Hey.”

She gives no greeting before barreling forward. “So, were you ever going to tell me that Josh Duncan attacked you the other night?”

“Who told you that?”

“Aiden, actually.” She sounds more irritated by the fact that she had to say his name than by the fact that I didn’t tell her. “And I don’t appreciate being told by a third party for every life-altering incident that happens in your life. You should have told me.”

I chuckle. “Aiden, huh?”

“It’s not what you think,” she snips. “Do not deflect. Sawyer, that’s some scary business. Are you okay? Did he hurt you? Oh gosh, did he touch you?” She’s shouting now. “I’ll kill him! I swear I’ll rip off every limb of his body and beat him with them!”

I sigh and crank the ignition. “I’m fine, Felix. Really. I was a little shaken up, but I’m fine now.”

“I heard Dean showed up like a real knight in shining armor,” she says dryly.

Dean’s face was far from a knight in shining armor. He was downright enraged and then regretful. “Yeah. I got lucky.” I don’t want to talk about Dean with Alix.

“You’re dang straight you got lucky! What are you doing now? I heard you start your car. Where are you going?”

I clear my throat. Though I don’t want to tell her, I do. “That’s actually where I’m going right now.”

“You’re going where?” The tone in her voice tells me she already knows.

“I’m going to see Dean.” She’s silent, and her silence worries me more than anything. “Felix?”

“I’m here. Just processing. Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“I want to thank him. I may have lashed out a little that night, and he didn’t deserve it after he saved me, so that’s it. I’m just going to thank him.”

“Okay,” is all she says.

“Okay?”

“Call me when you’re done.” And then she hangs up without another word.

T
HERE
ARE
A
lot of things I plan for during the day, but seeing Sawyer stand in the entry to my garage looking all curious and anxious was not one of them.

“Sawyer,” I say, caught by surprise.

She hovers, shifting from foot to foot as if she hasn’t decided if she really wants to stay or not. Her hand pushes her hair back from her face. Few people would recognize that nervous tick. She always hated it when I would point it out, but she’d smirk and punch my shoulder.

“I came to apologize,” she finally says.

“What? Why?”

“For being so short with you the other night. I know you were trying to help. I just… I have a hard time accepting help.” She pauses, like she’s debating continuing. “And I really didn’t want you to be the one giving the help.” She shrugs.

Somehow, I understand, though it was little bit of an insult. “You don’t have to apologize, Sawyer. There is nothing for you to be sorry for. I’m just grateful I was at the right place at the right time.”

“What
were
you doing walking down Main Street at ten o’clock at night anyway?”

“Leaving work late… and taking a walk to clear my head.” I was living a double life. In one, I was trying to stay true to Lily, stuck in a perpetual state of denial that we could possibly work. In the other life, my need for Sawyer and the hope that we could have a second chance kept me in a constant tug-o-war. That night, I was sorting out where to go from there. As twisted as it seems, finding Josh all over Sawyer was exactly what I needed to push me to make a decision.