Memo: Marry Me? (7 page)

He wished the jacket away, and the dress shirt along with it. Zach wanted her touch on his skin, wanted it so much.

‘Fall into it with me, Lily.’ He lowered his head. ‘If we must do this, let’s do it together.’

‘Together…’ Lily was too fragile to risk being burned, and she suspected that could very easily happen, yet something inside her made her lift her face.

Warm lips closed over hers as though he had no choice about this, either. As though something deeper than conscious decision drove him.

His mouth was firm and delicious, and he gave it to her with an intimacy that wrapped dangerously around not only her senses, but her emotions. Her protests and concerns faded away in the face of his determined ministrations.

The kiss changed. His lips gentled against hers, and a wave of tenderness poured over her, through her. This shared intimacy reached right to the depths of her. Seemed more moving than any kiss she had shared, ever, and for a few wildly free moments she opened her heart to him.

She hadn’t believed there could be more than their first kiss, but it had only been the prelude to this. To reconnecting to full, glorious life again in a way she hadn’t done since a fateful kayaking trip twelve months ago.

A sigh slid through her lips, and her body relaxed into the firmness of his. Instead of fire he had given her a haven, and she wanted that so much.

And he kissed her. Oh, he kissed her so beautifully, as though he couldn’t go another minute without having her lips pressed beneath his. As though he needed to have this, and couldn’t live if it were denied him.

He kissed her as though she mattered, and she kissed him back. Yielded and demanded just as he did. She set aside everything. Her struggles, the fear that she could never be worthy.

She forgot that this feeling of rightness couldn’t possibly be more than a fantasy, a chimera of her making. An illusion drawn from the desires of her heart, not from reality. But eventually that knowledge pushed its way forward, demanded to be heard.

This might feel real, but it wasn’t. Because she wasn’t the whole person Zach thought her to be.

And he didn’t want her in the way she longed to be wanted. Not with his heart and his soul and his feelings.

Hadn’t he told her, that day at the pub, that he didn’t want any kind of commitment with a woman? That he would never try that again? Lily remembered
that
quite clearly!

So what was she doing here, in his arms, laying herself emotionally bare while he couldn’t possibly be engaged in the same way? If he knew her secrets, there was no way that he
could
want her like that.

Her eyes stung and she drew back, cursing her vulnerability and the ease with which she had chosen to ignore all that had shaped her life since she’d come to Sydney. ‘I shouldn’t have allowed this.’

Especially not here. This was her home. The one place she could be herself — if she shaved one leg twice, or thought she had washed her favourite pair of jeans and she hadn’t, there was only her to know.

‘You can’t be here, Zach. I can’t let you into this part of my life.’ And if he started looking around, walked into the heart of her apartment and saw the reminder notices she’d posted up everywhere just so she could manage the most everyday of things — check for eggs after breakfast, wash clothes on Saturdays, buy groceries Sundays — he would see that it was no ordinary life. ‘Please, will you —?’

‘Stop? Leave?’ He stepped back, his chest rising and falling with each sharp breath. He ran one slightly unsteady hand through his hair. Shadows filled his eyes, sharpened his features. ‘God knows I don’t want to, Lily.’

She searched his face for reasons for that reluctance. The sting of desire coloured his cheeks, formed his features in tightness, particularly around his mouth and nose. His mouth looked both softer, and tougher, than before. And in his eyes…

Banked heat. Shadows. She didn’t know what they meant, but, even as she looked, his body tensed and a hooded expression came over his face.

‘You want physical satisfaction.’ She schooled her voice to sound simply as though she were stating a fact. She wanted fulfilment with him, too, but she wasn’t wired for only that.

‘This is just an attraction thing, a physical thing. If it was more…’ She trailed off, and, yes, some small, hidden portion of her soul wanted him to say she was wrong. That he
did
have feelings for her and wanted to pursue those feelings, and that was what this had been all about.

He didn’t. He just watched her silently, every muscle clenched, that harshness of their first day’s meeting back on his face. He balled both fists at his sides, took a step towards her. Then he seemed to fight with himself for a moment before he stepped back again.

A small, silent cry reverberated inside her because of that rejection, even though she had expected nothing else. ‘I think you’d better go.’

He hesitated, half-turned, one hand gripping the door frame. But eventually, just as she had known he would, he went.

Lily busied herself with the nightly routine of settling her animals, ensuring all was locked up securely, and with her notebook by the bed before she climbed in.

If she lay awake staring at the ceiling most of the night, well, that was her concern, and the time wasn’t wasted. She used it to remind herself of the importance of getting out of Zach’s orbit. Not just because of what had happened tonight, but for the sake of her agency as well.

First thing Monday morning, she would tell Zach he had to accept Deborah in her place at the office. Surely, given what had happened tonight, and given that she had got things in order in his office for him, Zach would agree?

Then Lily would put any lingering feelings for him behind her and get on with her life. And the damaged state of her brain and memory would remain her painful secret.

‘I need to talk to you. I’ve been thinking all weekend, and I’ve decided — ’

‘I’m glad you’re here early, because we’ve got a hell of a day — ’ Zach broke off.

Shoulders tensed and thrown back, Lily strode to stand directly before his desk, her chin hitched high. She wore a simple navy dress in some sort of knit fabric. Was she aware that by its plain severity it made him want to see what lay beneath? He schooled his features to reveal nothing of his thoughts.

‘When we first discussed replacing Rochelle, I mentioned bringing Deborah Martyn in here. I know you weren’t initially keen on the idea, but now that I’ve straightened out the office and have things running efficiently…’ She smoothed her hands down the sides of her dress. Tension bracketed the mouth that had melted under his on Friday night.

‘You want me to take Deborah in your place.’ He almost kept the growl from his tone, but couldn’t stop himself from rising from his chair. A moment later, he leaned against the edge of the desk near to where she stood.

Close. Casual. Yet his body thrummed in recognition of hers. A silent warning reverberated through him as he faced her:
She wanted him to leave?
‘It’s not going to happen, Lily.’

He reached out to toy with the small dictation recorder resting on his desk. Flipped the cassette lid open, closed it again and finally tossed the article aside. ‘We’ve covered this ground.’

‘I know, but that was at the beginning. There’s no reason she shouldn’t step into the role now.’ Wariness haunted her gaze, tightened the muscles of her face and neck. ‘I’ve discussed it with Deb, and she’s able to replace me as soon as I give her the word. You won’t suffer any lag time. Indeed, I’ll stay here for an hour or so once Deb arrives. Show her the ropes. Let her know how everything works.’

‘You’ll give me a nice clean-cut change over, in fact.’ He came to his feet. Made no concession to how close together that put them. Said in tones of gravel and sandpaper, because this was what it was all about and they both knew it, ‘If you want me to apologise for kissing you — ’

‘It’s got nothing to do with that.’ She tipped her head back but otherwise held her ground.

Her strength fired through him, made him want her all the more. The defiance and denial fooled neither of them, but he admired it.

‘I think it does.’ His weekend had been haunted by memories of holding her, kissing her. Zach needed to get those memories under control, bring what had happened back into a sense of reality, instead of viewing it as utterly mind-blowing.

He turned his head to look out the windows. The washed-out horizon met his gaze. No, he wouldn’t let her go. It wasn’t that he
couldn’t
. He wasn’t willing to accept the disruption to his work place. There was nothing emotional in either his decision, or the way he had reacted when he’d kissed her. He was too smart to let there be. Wasn’t he?

When he turned back to her, his face was schooled to show only rejection of her desire to leave. ‘We had an agreement, Lily. You must know I won’t let you break it. Don’t you think the weeks you’ve spent learning your way around the office count for anything?

‘A new person, no matter how good or how skilled, would still need to orient themselves. I’m not prepared to lose valuable time to that. You agreed to my terms.’ He reminded her of it quietly. ‘If you break them, I
will
consider you in breach of contract with my company.’

‘You kissed me.’ Her accusation came on a ragged whisper. ‘You broke your own rules.’

‘We kissed each other. It was mutual. If it happens again, it will also be mutual.’ He stared down his nose at her and tried not to think of her freckles, of the taste of her and the softness of her skin beneath his hands. ‘And you just said it wasn’t about that.’

‘No, I didn’t. I — ’ She broke off and looked uneasy, then waved one hand in dismissal. ‘What I said isn’t the point. It would be wiser for me to go.’ Her frustration showed in the low, impatient sound she made…‘But, as you clearly don’t share that opinion, and you know you have me locked in, let me just say this.’ Her eyes narrowed into warning slits. ‘There will be no repeat performance of that kiss between us.’

She turned. Her body quivered with whatever feelings she fought to suppress and, oh, Zach wanted to unleash it all. To let it free and lose himself in her. Maybe he did have feelings…

But he couldn’t let himself do that. He didn’t acknowledge her statement directly. Instead, he turned away too. ‘Now that this conversation’s over, perhaps we can get some work done.’

For the rest of the morning, they worked hard and spoke only when necessary. Zach buried himself in paperwork and told himself he didn’t have to want her. That his growing admiration for her didn’t have to mean he was becoming emotionally involved, either.

When, ever, had it been other than choice for him to want any woman? There was no reason Lily should be any different. If she truly wasn’t interested, he didn’t have to be, either.

Just before lunch time, the phone rang. Zach happened to glance at Lily as she answered it. He wasn’t addicted to the sight of her, nor had he stolen countless other glances since the start of the day. A man needed to keep an eye on his business, including what his secretary was doing with her time. That was all.

‘Mark.’

She put such warmth into the name that the hair on the back of Zach’s neck stood up. There was a short pause as she listened to the voice on the other end of the line.

Then a smile like sunshine crossed her expressive face. ‘Oh, I’d love to. Now? That would be wonderful. I’ll see you soon.’

Zach turned his back on her. He snatched up a file and carried it to his windows, although he did no more than flip it open and pretend to give the first page his attention.

When an older man walked into the office minutes later, Lily flew out of her chair and straight into the man’s arms. In response, he pecked Lily’s cheek in an avuncular manner, and stepped back to smile at her.

Their obvious close friendship brought a surge of unexpected jealousy to Zach. He tossed down the folder and joined them before he could examine that reaction. ‘Hello. I’m Zachary Swift, Lily’s boss.’

‘Mark Uden. It’s a pleasure to meet one of Lily’s assignments.’ The man shook hands and withdrew.

Zach found he didn’t like being referred to as an ‘assignment.’ He didn’t like the man’s salt-and-pepper hair and air of mature sophistication, either, which was quite irrational of him.

Lily collected her bag from her desk and hurried to Uden’s side. ‘We should get going.’

Before Zach could do anything, she muttered a farewell in his general direction and swept out of the office, her arm entwined with Uden’s.

Zach returned to his desk and ploughed his way through a stack of work, and a cheese and salad focaccia delivered from the building’s twentieth-floor cafeteria. He swilled down orange juice and glared at the city stretched beyond his windows, his mood out of sorts for no good reason.

So Lily had flown to Uden as though the man were some sort of sanctuary. So what? Surely Zach didn’t want to be the one she ran to, because that really would suggest a desire for emotional closeness, and he wasn’t in a position to go there.

Who was Uden, anyway? What place did he have in Lily’s life? Zach wanted to know, but he had no hold over Lily. She didn’t owe it to him to tell him about her friends. Telling himself to put Lily and everything to do with her out of his mind, Zach lobbed the crushed juice bottle into his waste-paper basket.

Just before Lily was due back from her break, Zach’s phone rang. When he ended the call, he got up to prowl his office again.

Lily’s soft footfalls as she returned to the office brought his pacing to an abrupt halt. He stepped into her office, and stopped just short of her desk. ‘You omitted to give me a telephone message about a meeting scheduled for this afternoon straight after lunch.’

She gave a startled gasp, and swung to face him. The large, soft handbag she had been about to slip into the desk drawer dropped from her fingers and hit the carpet. ‘Perhaps there’s some misunderstanding? I don’t remember anything about a meeting.’

As she spoke, she snatched up the phone message pad and began to search it frantically.

‘You won’t find anything there.’ Zach drew closer, aware he was being unreasonable, but unable to stop himself. He
was
jealous of Uden, of the time Lily had spent in the older man’s company, and he didn’t much like himself for it. ‘I’ve already checked.’

‘I apologise for the oversight.’ A haunted expression filled her eyes. ‘If you’ll tell me what needs to be done in preparation, I’ll do my best to be organised in time for the meeting. And if you want to mark this against my record, against my company’s record, I understand.’

The depth of Lily’s remorse made him face where his jealousy had taken him. What was one small slip-up in the scheme of things? He wasn’t angry at her over some stupid phone message about a meeting he already knew about, and had no need to prepare for. He hated the idea that she might trust and confide in anyone but him. His attitude shamed him.

‘Lily.’ He looked into her eyes. Saw the shadowed hurt reflected there, and knew he had caused it. His hands lifted towards her.

But a clerk hustled into the room, begging Lily’s assistance with some information on one of their most urgent projects. She retrieved a large file from her desk, and they bent their heads over it.

Zach looked at his watch. The chance to apologise was lost; he needed to leave for his meeting. On a rare bout of uncertainty, the issue unresolved and sitting uncomfortably in his gut, he murmured a farewell and left.

An hour later, Zach’s finance manager continued to drone on. Zach struggled to focus on the words, but all he could think about was Lily. He felt like a particularly ugly, beastly dog that had attacked a kitten for no good reason.

In the middle of the other man’s speech about profit and loss, Zach tossed down the remaining sheets of paper and got to his feet. ‘Just do whatever you feel is necessary with the rest, Steele. I have to go.’

He made his way back to his suite of offices in record time. ‘Lily — ’

‘I’m glad you’re back. I’ve just received a call from Gunterson and Greig.’ She had a phone message clasped in her hand, an urgent expression on her face, and she kept the width of her desk between them.

She scanned the message before she continued. ‘They say they’re awaiting a formal expression of interest from you in relation to their Mulligan project, and will seek another buyer if they don’t have your offer to table at their board meeting first thing tomorrow morning. I don’t remember anything at all about this project.’

‘The report was supposed to go out the week Rochelle was here.’ Clearly it hadn’t, and somehow Zach had overlooked following up on it as well. He had compiled the facts and figures and dictated the report. But it had never turned up typed on his desk.

This lapse of his was a much worse infraction than Lily forgetting that small, not particularly significant, phone message.

Lily seemed to sag with relief. ‘I’ll check for a paper file. If I can’t find one, there may be something on computer.’ She moved towards the filing cabinet. ‘It’s no use going through audio tapes, unless you’ve got any tucked away in your office that might still have a recording on them from weeks ago.’

Her lovely, straight back was presented to him as she began to riffle through the contents of the top drawer of the first filing cabinet.

Zach clenched his fists against the desire to reach for her. To run his fingers down the length of her spine, to cup her shoulders and turn her into his arms.

He had wanted a physical closeness with Lily from the day they’d met. Now he admitted he
did
want other things from her and with her. Things he couldn’t have in his wildest dreams, yet somewhere deep inside he
did
dream of them. Lily was quirky and special, dedicated, intense. And somehow, over all of that, she was hugely vulnerable. He didn’t know why, but he saw glimpses of that vulnerability when her guard was down.

All these things attracted him, but Zach couldn’t get involved in her life. Even so, he had to apologise. He directed low-spoken words at that very straight back. ‘I acted like an ass, Lily, going off about one stupid message. I was out of line, and I hope you’ll forgive me.’

She turned. Vulnerability shadowed her eyes. For long moments, she searched his face and seemed somehow torn. Finally, she nodded. ‘Apology accepted. Now, we need to work out what to do about this Mulligan problem.’ Her fingers continued their busy search of the files in the cabinet.

Zach watched those fingers move, and wanted them on his skin instead. He couldn’t resist reaching for her, even though he knew it was dangerous to touch her when he didn’t have his desire under control.

He touched her arm, gently turned her to face him. Said her name again. He wanted to ask her about Uden. Wanted to tell her again how sorry he was. Most of all, he just wanted to hold her close. ‘Lily, my dear.’

‘Please, Zach. Don’t.’ She turned tortured eyes to his face. ‘If you hold me, I’ll be lost, and I — I’m not for you. Besides, you made it clear you don’t want to get involved, even if I don’t really understand why.’

‘After my relationship with Lara fell apart I made up my mind I wouldn’t put myself or another woman in that position again.’ Zach didn’t know if explaining it would help or just make things harder. ‘I’m a career man, with the responsibility of a widowed mother and a young brother to contend with. Those things fill my life and always will. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn’t seem to be making any difference to the fact that I desire you.’

‘I see. And, for me, just wanting someone is nowhere near enough. I guess that makes it pretty clear we have no common meeting ground with each other.’ She turned away again, searched through the cabinet almost desperately, her agitation revealed in the swiftly moving fingers. In the death grip she had on the edge of the cabinet with her other hand.