Mend the Seams (15 page)

I huff loudly. I’m so annoyed with this man.

“Damn, Sav. What’d that baseboard do to piss ya off?” Luke asks.

“Damn it, Luke Ashton, it’s YOU I’m pissed with! Can’t you just take a hint and leave me be?” Luke stares back at me, then rubs his hand against his beard. It’s thicker than what I remember, I can’t help but wonder how soft it is now.
Damn it Sav, you’re supposed to be pissed, make up ya mind. You’re givin’ me whiplash here!
I sling the rag in Luke’s direction smacking him square in the chest then I spring to my feet and stomp towards him. Staring down over him I gather up my strength and say, “You were my only constant. When the darkness never ceased and I felt like the seas would never settle, you were there clinging to me, giving me that glimmer of strength that I needed to pull through.”

Luke stands up, towering over me and I step back shrinking within myself for just a moment. He looks angry, but when he speaks I’m shocked by his words. “There’s my girl. Feels good havin’ a little control, don’t it, Sav? Well come on, show me how angry my girl is. Let it out, sweetheart.”

“STOP. Calling. Me. SWEETHEART!” She shoves against my chest angrily. It’s cute as hell that she thinks she can budge me where I stand. I smirk at her attempt and sure enough it pisses her off even more. Good. She needs to own her anger instead of hiding it away, terrified to release it. “You built up my hope, Luke, then you knocked me on my ass when you left. For two weeks I sat and worried over you! Wonderin’ what it was I had done to push you away. I needed YOU, Luke. But some other woman was more important. And now...” She giggles to herself, shakin’ her head.
Note here-an angry bout of laughter ain’t no damn good.
“Now you think it’s okay to just waltz back in here like the last two weeks are a faded memory, trying to play the hero to the little damsel in distress! News flash – it’s far from being okay!”

“Wait, what?” Other woman? What the hell is she talkin’ about?

“Ugggghhhh!” She shrieks loudly. “You don’t get it do you? Or do you even care?”

“Savannah, calm down! What do you mean
other woman
?”

“I was there, Luke! I saw you with her wrapped up in your arms! And you know what, that’s fine. You owe me nothing. But I thought you were different!”

Ah shit. “Savannah, where did you see me?”

“It doesn’t matter now, Luke. Just tell me, why are you here if you have someone else. I’m still married, so you can’t exactly be playin’ house with me and some other chick in Lexington, now can ya?” Lexington? Damn it all to hell! She must have seen me with Ashleigh when I met her for lunch. How the hell do I explain this shit to her without scarin’ her away?

“Savannah, there ain’t nobody else. I promise ya that, sweetheart.”

“Doesn’t matter, Luke. But whatever this is between us can’t keep goin’ on. You have my mind knotted so damn tight like a frickin’ pretzel I can’t process anything when you’re around me. I can’t take it anymore. You really just need to leave. I appreciate everything that you do for me and my kids, I truly do. My life is complicated enough right now.”

I wrap my arms around her hips and pull her flush to my body. “Do you really think I’d be here, Savannah, if I didn’t care about you?” She pinches her eyes closed and I run my fingers alongside her jaw gently, urging her to look at me. “I know you’re angry. I know I owe you an explanation. I’m just scared to give you a glimpse into my past.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Luke. Just please.” She whimpers and her eyes well up with tears.

“It kills me to watch your heart ache, Sav. I want to take every ounce of agony you feel and set it to flames, extinguishing the pain you don’t deserve but are consumed with. But bein’ angry with me, pushin’ me away ain’t helpin’ a damn bit.” I swipe my thumb over the tears that run down her cheek.

“You can’t keep doing this, Luke. You’re confusing me!” Savannah rips free from my hold and begins to pace the floor. Before she gets too far gone lost in thought, I grab her wrist and pull her onto the couch with me. She’s fuming mad and I’m proud that she’s finally showin’ a little fight, even if it is with me. I want to laugh at her little tantrum because it’s so damn cute, but figure I’d have to sleep with one eye open if I’d do that.

Tuckin’ her into my side I tilt her face so that she’s lookin at me. “Will you please let me explain myself, Sav? I owe you that much. Then if you’re not satisfied with my reason for leaving, I’ll accept your anger. But I will not under any circumstances be leavin’ you again, so get that thought outta ya pretty little head.”

“You are runnin’ me down, Luke. Please just stop this!” She pleads, her soft green eyes red rimmed with sorrow.

“Damn it, Savannah, I did it for you! I left because you kept askin’ me to give you space. But I was so worried about you, I just wanted to stay close in case you needed me. I should have listened to you and let you be, because I got too close to ya, too fast.”

“Y-you what?” She stammers when the realization of my words wash over her.

“Sweetheart, when I say I care about you, I mean that. I know you’re still tryin’ to get over your past with Josh. Hell, I’m still tryin’ to work through my own shit. But, Sav, I’m feelin’ things for you I never expected to feel again. I ain’t goin’ nowhere, so please stop tryin’ to close me out.”

“This is what I’m talkin’ about, Luke…you can’t say things like that. How do you expect me to think you care about me, when I know what I saw? You owe me nothing. But when I saw you with that woman in Lexington and I would be lying if I said it didn’t affect me. I don’t know why it did, but it hurt. I feel like I don’t even know you, Luke.” Damn, I really don’t wanna have this conversation with her right now, but I owe it to her. She doesn’t know much about me and if there’s any hope of gaining her trust I have to give her all of me. The good with the bad, the dark with the light.

I scrub my hand up over my face, frustrated and scared of what this night may bring. “This is gonna be really hard to tell you, Sav, so please just be patient while I get it all out.” Savannah nods and I wrap my arms around her tightly trying to find comfort in her touch. Without hesitation she relaxes into my side, resting her head on my chest. “That woman you saw me with is Ashleigh, she’s my sister-in-law.”

Savannah cups her mouth as her eyes grow wide with shock. “S-so you’re married?”

“No, sweetheart. I’m widowed. I lost my wife and son in a house fire two years ago.” I whisper, the anguish creepin’ through my chest and seizin’ my heart.

“I’m so sorry, Luke.” Savannah says with mist filled eyes.

“I went to Lexington to clear my head. I’ve sat by your side for the last two months and watched firsthand the raw pain you feel. You’re so broken I’ve often wondered if you’ll ever be whole again. I know that same pain, Sav. I can relate to it. Seein’ you hurt like this day in, day out, it’s only natural for me to want to take it all away and comfort you the best I can.

“I felt guilty because I started to care for you. I knew I was gettin’ too close, but it wasn’t until Colton opened my eyes that I realized I needed to give you some space and let you stand on your own two feet for a bit. When I left here that night, it killed me not telling you that I wouldn’t be back for a while. But I knew if I did, I’d have to explain so much more to you and I just wasn’t ready to do that. I didn’t want my past to overshadow the man that I am.” I’m not too proud to show the vulnerable side of me, but I dread seeing that look of pity on Savannah’s face that I know to expect.

“I’m confused, Luke. What does your past have to do with the man you are today?”

“I could have saved my family’s lives, Savannah. Not only was it my job as husband and father, but it was also my job as a fireman. I was a Lieutenant for the Lexington Fire Department. Alyson told me for weeks that there was an issue with one of the outlets at home. I knew better than to dismiss her concern, but I was so focused on my job that I put it off thinkin’ I had time to get to it. That was the last call I ever went out on, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. I’ll never forgive myself for not saving them.” I relive the night I lost my family, telling Savannah every disturbing detail as if it had just happened. But I relive the nightmare every damn night, so it’s a fresh memory I’ll never be able to escape.

“Luke, you made a mistake. It wasn’t your fault. Fact of the matter is, the good Lord called them home, together. It was just all a freak accident, really. I understand that you blame yourself, but consider this – God didn’t take you for a reason. Why? I don’t know, but he has a plan for you, Luke, that will eventually come together. When it does, although you’ve suffered a great loss, it will all make sense.” Savannah says, and I’ve heard that so many times I almost believe it. I’ve often wondered had they died any other way if I’d carry the same guilt.

“I hadn’t even visited their graves since the day of their burial because the pain was too much to bear. Spendin’ time with your family made me realize that I needed closure before I could move on. I needed to make peace with myself, before I can fully give every part of myself to you. I’ll always carry guilt for not saving my family, but I’ve also been battlin’ guilt because my wife is gone, yet here I am fallin’ for you.” I scrub my hand over my face, tryin’ to keep the emotion at bay. “I didn’t intend to stay gone for two weeks, but it took me a few days to find the courage to visit the cemetery. I would have told you all this sooner, but I’m more the strong silent type. I don’t like lettin’ others into my life so deeply and I certainly can’t stand to see pity in anyone’s face.”

Savannah mulls over everything I have told her, chewing on the side of her jaw quietly. I hate this silence between us. But I feel a slight relief now that I’ve told her about my past. It’s not nearly as dark and tainted as the life she lived with Josh, but it’s still a pain I harbor, something that I’ll always carry with me.

“Are you at peace?” Savannah asks quietly and it’s something I haven’t even had time to consider.

“I don’t know, really. I know I’m ready to move on with my life, but I’ll always carry their memory with me.”

“Tell me about them.”

“What do you want to know?” I ask. I’m not shocked that Savannah wants to know about Alyson and Sawyer because she’s just a compassionate person.

“Tell me whatever memories come to mind. I don’t have many happy memories with Josh, so it’s nice to hear real love stories.”

I don’t even know where to begin, so I pull my wallet from my back pocket and gently remove the tattered picture of Alyson and Sawyer, handing it to Savannah. “This is Alyson and Sawyer. When Alyson came into my life, falling head over heels in love so quickly was unexpected. She was a missing piece of my heart, then when Sawyer was born that made me whole. Fallin’ in love is one thing, but the unconditional love for a child – damn. There are no words to describe the amazin’ warmth that blankets your heart when you become a parent. Our little family was complete and perfect in our eyes. We never really had much because we were young, just trying to make it day by day. But we had each other.

“Sawyer never had a care in the world. He was an all-out boy who loved stomping in mud puddles, playing with Hot Wheel cars, and believed Superheroes were real. Superman was his favorite superhero because he could fly, bend steel, and he always knew when someone needed him. To Sawyer, I was his Superman. I worked twenty-fours a lot, but still managed to stop by at home just in time to tuck him in at night and read him a bedtime story. The few nights I didn’t make it home, Alyson would call me so I could tell him a quick story over the phone.

“Each morning I woke up with a knee to my ribs and a loud
hmmmppph
as he landed in the center of the bed, his red cape flowing in waves behind him.
‘Make me fly real high, Daddy!’
He’d say, his little smile stretched across his cheeks and his gentle grey eyes all round and googly. I’d pick him up with one hand on his tummy, one supporting his ankles while he stretched his arms out wide and I’d zip through the house with him. His laughter was endless and his smile never faded.”

We talk for what feels like hours. Savannah never moves from my arms as I share my memories with her. What felt like a slight relief suddenly feels like a huge weight has been lifted and I know that although I was hesitant about enlightening Savannah on my past, I did the right thing.

“You were a blessed man, Luke. I’m saddened that you lost your family, but I know you will always cherish your memories of them. Thanks for sharing with me.” She turns towards me and inhales a gentle breath. Her soft green eyes are troubled as she looks at me. “Luke, I’m sorry that I’ve been so distant. I’m grateful that you’re here with me, but you have to understand how messed up everything is right now.” The corner of her lip tips up in a sad crooked smile and I nod in response. Leaning forward she presses a delicate kiss to my cheek and whispers breathlessly, “Goodnight, Luke.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” I say softly as she walks away. I know this is her way of keepin’ herself safe and guarded from anymore heartache.

Instead of goin’ to bed I go outside for some air. Life has always dealt me the losin’ hand, but I can’t help but feel like a glimmer of brightness is finally being shed onto the dark.

People tend to feel pity for someone who’s lost a part of themselves through a terrible tragedy. I don’t need pity, that’s why I left Lexington and moved back home. I couldn’t handle the constant back pats and troubled looks from friends and co-workers. Although they were grieving Alyson and Sawyer’s death with me, it wasn’t uplifting to know I had a support system – no, not in the least. My family’s death is my own conviction. A turmoil I battle myself over daily and something only I can cope with alone. Friends often think when you’ve lost someone that their presence will be comforting, but for me it’s the utter opposite. I didn’t allow myself to fade into a darkness that consumed me mentally, but emotionally. I only wanted to shut out the world to suffer in silence.