Mercy (3 page)

meaning, an intellectual elasticity that avoids the rigidity o f

ideology and still instructs in the meaning o f freedom. It

warns us not to be simple-minded. We were never as free as

under the German Occupation. Glorious. Really superb.

Restrained. Elegant. True in the highest sense. De Beauvoir

was my feminist ideal. An era died with her, an era o f civilized

coupling. She was a civilized woman with a civilized militance

that recognized the rightful constraints o f loyalty and, o f

course, love. I am tired o f the bellicose fools.

O N E

In August 1956

(Age 9)

M y name is Andrea. It means manhood or courage. In Europe

only boys are named it but I live in America. Everyone says I

seem sad but I am not sad. I was born down the street from

Walt W hitman’s house, on M ickle Street, in Cam den, in 1946,

broken brick houses, cardboard porches, garbage spread over

cement like fertilizer on stone fields, dark, a dark so thick you

could run your fingers through it like icing and lick it o ff your

fingers. I w asn’t raped until I was almost ten which is pretty

good it seems when I ask around because many have been

touched but are afraid to say. I w asn’t really raped, I guess, just

touched a lot by a strange, dark-haired man w ho I thought was

a space alien because I couldn’t tell how many hands he had

and people from earth only have two, and I didn’t know the

w ord rape, which is ju st some awful word, so it didn’t hurt me

because nothing happened. Y o u get asked if anything happened and you say well yes he put his hand here and he rubbed

me and he put his arm around m y shoulder and he scared me

and he followed me and he whispered something to me and

then someone says but did anything happen. And you say,

well, yes, he sat down next to me, it was in this m ovie theater

and I didn’t mean to do anything w rong and there w asn’t

anyone else around and it was dark and he put his arm around

me and he started talking to me and saying weird things in a

weird voice and then he put his hand in m y legs and he started

rubbing and he kept saying ju st let m e.. . . and someone says

did anything happen and you say well yes he scared me and he

followed me and he put his hand or hands there and you don’t

know how many hands he had, not really, and you don’t want

to tell them you don’t know because then they will think you

are crazy or stupid but maybe there are creatures from Mars

and they have more than two hands but you know this is

stupid to say and so you don’t know how to say what

happened and if you don’t know how many hands he had you

don’t know anything and no one needs to believe you about

anything because you are stupid or crazy and so you don’t

know how to say what happened and you say he kept saying

just let me. . . . and I tried to get away and he followed me

and he. . . . followed me and he. . . . and then they say,

thank God nothing happened. So you try to make them

understand that yes something did happen honest you aren’t

lying and you say it again, strained, thicklipped from biting

your lips, your chest swollen from heartbreak, your eyes

swollen from tears all salt and bitter, holding your legs funny

but you don’t want them to see and you keep pretending to be

normal and you want to act adult and you can barely breathe

from crying and you say yes something did happen and you

try to say things right because adults are so strange and so

stupid and you don’t know the right words but you try so hard

and you say exactly how the man sat down and put his arm

around you and started talking to you and you told him to go

away but he kept holding you and kissing you and talking to

you in a funny whisper and he put his hands in your legs and he

kept rubbing you and he had a really deep voice and he

whispered in your ear in this funny, deep voice and he kept

saying just to let him. . . . but you couldn’t understand what

he said because maybe he was mumbling or maybe he couldn’t

talk English so you can’t tell them what he said and you say

maybe he was a foreigner because you don’t know what he

said and he talked funny and you tried to get away but he

followed you and then you ran and you didn’t scream or cry

until you found your m omma because he might hear you and

find you so you were quiet even though you were shaking and

you ran and then they say thank God nothing happened and

you don’t know w hy they think you are lying because you are

trying to tell them everything that happened ju st the right w ay

and i f you are a stubborn child, a strong-willed child, you say

the almost-ten-year-old version o f fuck you something happened all right the fuck put his hands in m y legs and rubbed me

all over; m y legs;
my legs
; me; m y; m y legs; m y; m y; m y legs;

and he rubbed me; his arm was around m y shoulder, rubbing,

and his mouth was on m y neck, rubbing, and his hand was

under m y shirt, rubbing, and his hand was in m y pants,

rubbing, and he kept saying ju st let me. . . . and it was a

creepy whisper in some funny language and he was saying

sounds I didn’t understand and then they say the child is

hysterical, something must have happened, the child is

hysterical; and they want to know i f anything came inside or

was outside and you don’t want to tell them that he took your

hand and put it somewhere wet on him in his lap in the dark

and your hand touched something all funny and your hand got

all cold and slim y and they say thank God nothing happened;

and they ask i f something went inside but when you ask inside

where they look aw ay and you are nearly ten but you are a

fully desperate human being because you want to know inside

where so you w ill know what happened because you don’t

know what he did or what it was or how many hands he had

but they don’t ask you that. And your mother says show me and

you don’t know if you should put your arm around her

shoulder, rubbing, or rub your head into her neck, and she says

show me and you try to whisper the w ay he whispered in a deep

voice but you are too far away from her for it to be like him and

you don’t know what he said so you are crying and a little sick

and you point to your legs and say here and she says show me

where he touched you and you say here and you point to your