Mercy (4 page)

legs and she says did he put anything in and you say his hands

and she says anything else did he put anything else in and you

don’t know how many hands he had or if he put them in or in

where and you are wearing bermuda shorts because it is hot,

hot summer, August, black ones, too grown up for a girl your

age she told you but you are always fighting to wear black

because you want to be grown up and you are always fighting

with her anyway and this time she let you because she didn’t

want to fight anymore, and she wants to know i f he touched

your knee and she points to your bare knee and you say yes and

she wants to know if he touched higher and you don’t know

how high because you were sitting down and you say my legs

and she asks you if he touched your bermuda shorts and you

say yes and she asks you if he took them o ff and you think she

is trying to trick you because you were at the movies and how

could someone take your bermuda shorts o ff at the movies and

she asks you if he touched under the bermuda shorts and she

wants to know what he touched you with and it was dark and

you couldn't see and you don’t know what he touched you

with or how many hands he had but she doesn’t ask you that

and afterwards sometimes you think he was from outer space

because people from earth have two hands and when you

make a drawing o f him with crayons or pastels you draw a

stick man with a big face and big hands, lots o f hands, and

sometimes you make another hand in the sky coming down

and you never tell that you are drawing him and you say that

he rubbed you with something inside your legs, no, not there,

higher up, and she cries, your beautiful mother cries, with her

long hair, with her black hair down to her shoulders, and her

cotton summer dress with flowers on it from when she was

young, she cries and she sits across from you and she holds

your hands in hers and you feel so sorry because you always do

something wrong and make her angry or sad and this was a

special day when she let you go to the movies by yourself for

the first time because you said you were mature enough and

she let you wear black and you made her cry so you say

momma I’m sorry momma nothing happened m om ma

nothing happened he didn’t hurt me momma I’m fine m omma

honest m omma nothing happened it didn’t m omma honest

nothing; and she says “ pregnant” something; and I am

punished, in m y room, put alone in m y room and not allowed

to come out and she doesn’t like me anymore, and I cry, I am

going to cry until I get old, I am crying for God to see, I am

afraid the man will come again because he came from nowhere

the first time and he disappeared into thin air and if he is from

outer space he can go anywhere or maybe he followed me like

they do on television and I couldn’t see him because he hid

behind trees and cars and God would know if he had followed

me and maybe God could stop him from finding m y room or

it could be like when someone is killed on television and you

think he is dead and then it gets all quiet and he isn’t dead and

he attacks again with a knife or a gun or he is real strong and it

is real quiet but suddenly he appears from nowhere so I cry but

I keep m y eye on the door so I will be alert in case he is just

pretending to be gone but really he sneaked inside the house

and he is ju st waiting or he could come in the w indow ; and

something hurts me like when you fall down and scrape your

knees and the skin is all scraped o ff and it is all bloody and has

cuts in it and dirt in it and your mother cleans it o ff and puts

iodine on it and says it w o n ’t hurt but it burns and she puts a

bandage on it; something hurts somewhere where he rubbed

but I don’t look because I’m afraid and I keep m y hands away

because I don’t want m y hands to touch me and I don’t want to

touch anywhere in m y legs because I’m afraid; and I couldn’t

say something was hurting because I didn’t know if something

was hurting or not or where it was because maybe I was

making it up because it hurt like a scraped knee but it hurt

somewhere that didn’t exist. I wanted God to see me crying so

He would know and it would count. I asked God if there were

men from outer space on earth because He knew if there was

life on other planets but He didn’t answer me; and I knew there

weren’t but I knew He could have made them if He wanted to

and I knew people only had two hands and I didn’t know how

many hands this man had and I couldn’t figure it out no matter

how much I tried because if he was rubbing in some places

how could he be rubbing in so many places and I couldn’t

count how many places and if he was from outer space he

could come into my room now through the air or anytime

from nowhere. I wanted God to tell me the truth because I was

afraid. I was trying to tell God I was hurt because I thought

God should know and let me stay in m y room and keep the

man away and I wanted to stay in my room a long time, until I

got old, and I wanted God to keep my mother away because

she didn’t like me anymore and I didn’t want to take o ff my

bermuda shorts or show her any more and I didn’t want her to

look at me anymore, and I thought God should know I needed

Him and where was He? I thought maybe the man wasn’t a

bad man because they said nothing happened after all and I

looked grown up so how could he know I was just a child and I

wasn’t sure if he thought I was a child or not because I did look

very grown up and act very grown up but I told him I was a

child and he should go away but I said it in a very grown-up

way. I cried because they said nothing happened and because I

didn’t know if the man knew I was a child and I cried because I

wanted God to know something had happened and I was a

child and I wanted God to say w hy it was less bad if I wasn’t a

child because I was still the same me if I was or if I wasn’t. And

for the first time I didn’t want to be grown up because all the

adults said it was less bad. I cried because I didn’t see how it

could be less bad; and if I grew up were men going to be

putting themselves on me in movies only it wouldn’t be bad

because I wouldn’t be a child anymore. I cried because God

was busy somewhere else and didn’t come and if I cried He

w ould know I was hurting so much somewhere that didn't

exist and He could find it because He lived somewhere that

didn’t exist and He would know what I meant even if I

couldn’t say it and I w ouldn’t have to point here and here and

here and so I kept crying in case He didn’t know yet that He

should be coming to me now even though people were sick