Messy Beautiful Love (4 page)

Looking back on it now, I can see what I didn’t see then: his intentions were incredibly noble. Not only was he seeking a way to provide for his family; he was walking in obedience to God.

I couldn’t see that, nor did I want to. All I could see was that my hardwood floors were covered in paper scraps, my walls were scuffed, and my kitchen floor had a gouge in it the size of the Grand Canyon. My husband was my boss, and I was his disgruntled employee.

I loved him, but that loving feeling was wearing dangerously thin. Over the years I’ve come to learn that a loving feeling is just that, a feeling. It comes as quickly as a gust of wind and can leave just as rapidly. If we want that loving feeling to thrive in marriage, we have to roll up our sleeves and get tough when the going gets rough.

True love, the way God intended it to be, is more than a feeling and much more than two words. It’s holding hands as you walk through the fire. It’s being patient and kind when everything inside you tells you that this man deserves the wrath of your anger. It’s offering grace and forgiveness in the face of despair. It is easier to say and easier to write than it is to live, but as Mom always said, “The best things in life don’t come easy.”

The best things in life get messy before they get good. God has never promised us days without pain because He knows that trials are the very things that strengthen us and that His grace is made perfect when we are weak. A wise woman knows that joy and peace come from the Lord, while a foolish one seeks happiness anywhere she can find it.

The marks on the floor, the dust in the air, the piles of books that clouded the view of my husband—none of those things were the root of my problem. They were nothing more than trials that tested my faith. My problem was a heart issue that could be healed only by compassion and grace. If I had known that, I would have chosen a different path for my marriage, but instead I chose to let my anger and unforgiveness draw me away and consume my heart with lust. Here’s the thing:
love doesn’t get angry when others do it wrong
. And we will do it wrong again and again.

Couples in love do a lot of things right, but let’s face it, we also tend to do a lot of things wrong. Maybe they aren’t even wrong sometimes; they just aren’t the way that we’d choose to do them. And so those little things—his leaving dirty socks on the couch or dragging sawdust into the house—can chip away at our patience day after day until we’re so angry that we don’t remember why.

The path to separation is paved by selfish ambition and pride, but when we move pride aside to make room for love
as God designed it to be, we see two hearts joining together as one. His desire for us is that we might be
one
in the bond of unity in the same way that we are one in the union and fellowship of Christ. This is why “the two shall become one flesh” (Mark 10:8
NKJV
).

If we want marriage to reflect the relationship between Jesus Christ and His church, and if we want to live in unity, we must be filled with compassion, mercy, and grace. We’ve been forgiven. Therefore, we have much to forgive, including someone who doesn’t love us the way that we think we should be loved. Paul urged us, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Col. 3:12–13
ESV
).

Regardless of where you are in your marriage, whether you are dealing with the messy or enjoying your first steps together as husband and wife, be reminded that both of you are on the same team. It’s not flesh and blood that you wrestle against as you walk through the fire. There’s a spiritual battle that will threaten to tear you apart. Remember that “the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:7).

|   
THREE
   |

Be Patient and Kind When the Going Gets Tough

O
NCE
M
ICHAEL WAS ABLE TO SETTLE HIS
business into a shop downtown, the dynamics of our family changed. Five miscarriages and three births later, we went from a family of three to a family of six. I was a stay-at-home mom taking care of the kids, and he was off to work every morning, briefcase in hand.

For the first few weeks, I enjoyed the separation of home and work. Things finally seemed to be falling into place for us. I was ready to settle into a normal life when I realized that
things weren’t normal at all. Michael was working far more hours than I wanted him to.

He woke up about five o’clock every morning. After he read the Bible, showered, and had breakfast, he was off to work with our only car, not to return until around nine or ten at night. Some days he’d get off work early to spend an evening with us. But by then he was so exhausted that he couldn’t stand on his feet.

His work schedule was Sunday to Thursday. On Fridays and Saturdays he was supposed to be off so he could be with the family, but unfortunately, so many of those days he had to go to work because machines were down or staff didn’t show up. Long days took their toll on him, and his face showed it.

I could go on and on complaining about how Michael wasn’t there for me during that season of our life together. If I gave him the podium, he could certainly think of a few things to say about me, but he wouldn’t. He’s gracious that way.

Going on and on about his faults wouldn’t serve any purpose, but that’s what I did. I took count of his faults and kept track of each one. I had forgotten what 1 Corinthians says about love: “It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (13:5
NIV
).

Record keeping damages our hearts and feeds the root of bitterness within us, while love heals the wound. When we love someone we “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). In other
words, when we love someone, we believe in him. We look past the messy to find the misunderstood intentions inside him.

During this difficult time the piano came into our lives. Our children were still quite young, and like most parents, we thought that music might do them some good. If they were going to be anything like my husband, they’d be playing in no time.

We started talking about it. Mostly we talked about the fact that we couldn’t afford anything bigger than a toddler’s toy—not unless we lived on bread and bologna for the next year. As much as I like bologna, we decided to wait on the Lord for supply.

The funny thing with supply is that God doesn’t always meet our level of expectation, does He? Sometimes it’s a no, and other times He’ll exceed it beyond anything we could have imagined for ourselves. But one thing I know for sure: He always has our best interest at heart.

When my sister told me that a friend was giving away the family’s upright piano, I was eager to take a look at it. But free wasn’t all that appealing when I saw its condition. The paint job—if you could call it that—was a thick layer of black-brown with extra-large splotches of who knows what here and there. Not to mention that it was terribly out of tune. I had expected to see something more along the lines of the handsome piano with which I grew up. In any event we thanked her friend with a smile, and three hours later my husband and a few strong
men hauled it into our living room, where they placed it across from the sofa.

It sat there, virtually untouched, until I was ready to take it on. I don’t know what drove me to do it, but one spring morning I woke up, took one look at the dark stain, and decided to refinish the wood. I had taken on small projects before, but nothing of this magnitude. I figured it couldn’t possibly look any worse. I got to work, stripping and sanding layer after layer until I discovered its worth hidden beneath years of neglect. To my surprise, it was nothing less than a vintage, burled-walnut piano. With each stroke of my hand, it returned to the beautiful piece it once was.

God could have sent us a brand-spanking-new keyboard with all the bells and whistles, but rather than send us easy, He gave us a treasure complete with life lessons that taught us the value of hard work. Looking back on it now, I can say, “I get it, Lord. I understand the parable of the piano You gave us and how it relates to our marriage.” Neglecting to care for each other more than we cared for ourselves, wanting to take more from our marriage than we were ready to give, and failing to lean on God’s wisdom more than our own were the layers of filth and stain that built up over time. One by one, each piled up on the other, concealing the beauty and depth of our covenant. It was unrecognizable, not to mention the fact that we were out of tune with each other. That is until that day when love found me in the darkness and carried me back to the light. I realized what a mess I had made of things and the role that
sin had played in my life. Until then my primary concern was pleasing myself and getting what I wanted from this marriage. The more I focused inward, the less I focused on the Lord.

The minute we allow ourselves to be drawn away by our lust, whether it’s a baby step or a giant step toward sin, we expose ourselves to Satan, who is ready and willing to deceive us into believing that we can and should step farther yet. I was standing in a pit of sin and shame, but Michael loved me enough to show me that marriage God’s way is worth fighting for. That’s the day I woke up and got to work restoring our marriage and redeeming the love we once had.

We both needed to be rescued that day. We had failed each other, but more important we had failed the One we loved the most—our Savior. If we wanted this marriage to flourish, first and foremost we needed a Christ-centered relationship. We needed to reflect His love to each other.

Once we started loving and respecting each other from a place of humility, we began to see the beauty of new life emerge. With each step of forgiveness, understanding, communication, and grace, it’s being restored to the beautiful love it once was.

If we could take back the past, we would. Knowing what we know now, we’d do so many things differently than we did. We’d handle each other with care. We’d give more than we get. We’d listen more than we speak.

Being patient and kind through hard times isn’t the easiest thing to do. Love can be confusing and gut-wrenching. There
will be seasons of our lives that are so awesome we wonder how life can be so incredibly good, and there will be other seasons that bring us to our knees in prayer. Those are the ones when we need each other the most.

Here’s a letter I received from a reader who was feeling the sting of a new season. This one was leaving her feeling rejected and tense. We all go through difficult times, but the important thing to remember is that the way we choose to handle disappointment sets the stage for our future.