Messy Beautiful Love (8 page)

I can cook well, but I’ve never enjoyed it in the same way that she does. Here is the way I see it: I work in the kitchen for an hour or two on something that is gobbled up in five minutes. Where is the fun in that?

Madison sees it a different way. To her it’s worth spending an entire night in the kitchen if she knows that someone in the family will enjoy what she makes. By the way, beef stew is my favorite. It used to be stroganoff, but lately beef stew is taking the lead.

The question is, how did she get to this point? And why didn’t I ever get there? Aside from the fact that we’re two different people, we were nurtured in two different ways.

My mom grew up in a family of eighteen children. Of those eighteen, my mom was one of two who baked bread every day. If she had something to do or someplace to go, it was her responsibility to make sure that the bread was made
before
she went out. Some days she’d trade up. She’d take on two shifts in a row so she could have a day off. In addition to baking, she cooked for the family day in and day out. Their recipes were standard family favorites, and there was no time to experiment with new things. If you like soup, you’d love my mom! She can make soup out of anything. Give her a bag of rocks, and she’ll have a pot of soup for you by the end of the day along with a loaf of fresh bread. Vegetable soup, chicken noodle soup, butter soup, mushroom soup, onion soup, summa borscht, beet borscht, bean soup—you name it, she makes it. And she makes it
well
.

As a result of this upbringing, she was armed with some of the best recipes. Unfortunately, they weren’t written in a book, and they didn’t include “a cup of this and a tablespoon of that.” They were “a handful of this and some of that.” When it came to cooking, Mom didn’t have to measure or read; she just
knew.
And while she mixed a bit of this and some of that, she worked quickly to get the job done.

She always wore aprons, which is probably why I still love them so much. They had a way of dressing up any outfit. Not that she needed any dressing up since she was, and still is, the kind of woman who keeps herself pretty. Slender and tall with
chestnut-colored hair and chocolate brown eyes, she has classic beauty. Think Judy Garland in the
Wizard of Oz
. Not overly done, just done up enough to keep turning Dad’s head. Why he didn’t have neck problems I’ll never know.

She was a June Cleaver type who did it all, and did it all
well.
There was never a pile of laundry to be found. She and Dad had six girls, and each of us had a dresser full of clean clothes always folded and fresh. Every pair of socks had a match, and every pair of underwear was folded just right. Her whites were white, her blacks were black, and her colors were vibrant.

It was her mission to make our home pretty. Whether she was sliding the couch from one wall to the other or refilling a vase with fresh flowers, she was always changing things up. The only thing she never seemed to change was the way that she cooked. She did things a particular way because they just didn’t taste quite right to her if they were done differently.

Being the creative type that I am, my idea of cooking was much different from hers. My desire has always been to create new recipes and to experiment a little by changing things up. But the kitchen wasn’t my canvas. It wasn’t a place where I could create. Cooking was a chore that was done the same way day in and day out. Get in the kitchen and help Mom by washing the dishes and setting the table, so she can get the job done.

My sister Bonnie started baking in her teens. She learned to make carrot and spice cake at school, so Mom encouraged her to bake on the weekends. The rule was that if Bonnie was
willing to bake, I had to clean up the mess. Lucky for me. Unfortunately, her love for baking increased while my love for the kitchen decreased. I couldn’t stand the smell of cake and cookies and didn’t eat them for years. However, I could really wash mixing bowls!

I was determined to change things with my kids. The kitchen is our space to have fun and create. This is the place where memories are made and new recipes are discovered. This is the space where we bond as a family. We’re not perfect when it comes to the food that we make, but we enjoy the process of cooking together and enjoying a meal. Did I mention that I make the best spaghetti sauce ever? I do.

A few years ago I went out of town for a couple of days to attend a writing conference. I think that Madison must have been about eleven, and while I was gone, she was helping Michael cook for the boys. If having three brothers has taught her anything, it’s that men appreciate good food. When I got home from the conference, Michael told me that Madison wanted to start cooking the dinner meals. She was ready and willing to take on the job. My first thought was that he was out of his mind. There was no way this idea would stick for more than a day. My second thought was how inexperienced she was. Would we be eating cereal day after day? Was toast on the menu? Not taking them too seriously, I decided to step back and give her free rein for a while. She wasn’t perfect at first—nobody is—but four years later I have a young chef on my hands.

She doesn’t do all the cooking by any means, but she enjoys it enough to experiment with recipes a few times a week.

In so many ways, taking a step back in my kitchen reminds me of the way I’ve taken a step back in our marriage. I’ve given up my right to be in charge so that Michael can lead us in the best way he knows how. I’d like to say that I’ve given up my
desire
to lead, but I think that deep inside there’s always going to be the human desire to take over and say, “Look, you’re doing this wrong!” After all, we’re two different people with two different ideas of how things should be done. What if he fails? What if he makes the wrong choice? The truth is that he
will
. Any of us would, and we do. The bottom line is that we’re all a work in progress, growing and learning every step of the way.

If I want my husband to grow into a strong man who is ready and willing to lead our family, I need to allow him that room to grow. I need to allow him to make grilled cheese until he works his way up to beef stew. I haven’t always been willing to do this. As you probably guessed from the first chapter, I’ve been a rebellious brat. But grace has a way of turning my eyes to the Lord where I see a plan that’s much better than mine. One in which a wife steps down in humility and allows her husband to lead.

My purpose is to glorify God in the way that I live by walking in obedience to His Word.

That Word tells me, “As the church is subject unto
Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Eph. 5:24–25).

When we consider everything that Jesus did for us, we can see the responsibility that is asked of our husbands. They whipped Him, they spat in His face, they ridiculed Him, and they nailed Him to a cross. His response to all that was
grace
. He didn’t come to condemn us; instead He lowered Himself to the level of a servant and washed His disciples’ feet. He came in humility that we might be saved.

Yes, the Bible tells us that the husband is the head of the wife and that the wife should submit to his authority. With that in mind we should remember that submission is a choice that we make. It’s not something that is or should be imposed on us by another person. It’s our response to God’s love. It is a choice we make out of obedience to God because ultimately everything we do should focus on Him and His will. There’s a reason we do it, and that reason is to please God.

We see the beauty of submission since the beginning of time when Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord (1 Peter 3:6).

Sarah brought glory to God through obedience to her faith. She wasn’t perfect; in fact she laughed when she heard that God was going to bless her with a child. At her age? She was old, and as far as she was concerned, it was impossible.

God doesn’t use perfect people to build His kingdom; He uses those who walk in obedience to Him, but in order to do
that we must submit to His will for our lives. Samuel said, “Hath the L
ORD
as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the L
ORD
? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams” (1 Sam. 15:22). You see, it’s easy to make a sacrifice to the Lord—go to church on Sunday, put money in the collection plate, send a box of toys to Goodwill, and the list goes on—but to bring our lives under
obedience
to God is where the real challenge lies.

We live in a society where hundreds of thousands of people say that they believe in Jesus, but how many of us are willing to walk in obedience to His commands?

What if the wisdom of God doesn’t make sense to your situation? What if it doesn’t feel good to submit to the Lord? What if it doesn’t feel good to submit to your husband?

Some follow the wisdom of God, but others start looking around for an easier way. Scripture is bent out of shape to justify a
better
way of doing things.

Those who treasure Jesus Christ honor His authority in their lives and walk in obedience to the faith.

This mind-set of submission is completely foolish to our society, which isn’t surprising at all.

Paul wrote: “We preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumblingblock, and unto the Greeks foolishness; but unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is
stronger than men” (1 Cor. 1:23–25). It may seem foolish to many when I submit to my husband, but the foolishness of God is wiser than ours.

Are we wives second class? Absolutely not, and no, every argument isn’t our fault. But there will be times when we communicate in every way possible, and our husbands still won’t see things the way that we do. That’s when we can honor God by stepping back in humility and letting our husbands take the lead.

Readers often ask me what they should do when their husbands aren’t equipped to lead. It’s a good question, but in answering it, we have to realize that regardless of how mature he is or how experienced he is, he’s a work in progress. Isn’t every husband?

Could there possibly be any man who is fully equipped to lead a family? Or is it possible that God is ready and willing to equip those He calls?

The minute you stand in the middle, refusing to believe that God’s plan for man is better than yours, you take away the opportunity for God to bless your husband in this area.

I want to be Michael’s helper, but I also want to be an encourager by allowing him to lead our family. I need to trust God in this area of my life, even when my pride tells me I shouldn’t.

If you look at your husband and say, “Whoa, this man can’t balance a checkbook! How could he possibly handle our
finances?” offer to help by working out a budget with him. Letting him lead your family doesn’t mean that you aren’t or shouldn’t be part of the planning process. By all means you should. God created Eve because He saw that Adam was alone and that he needed a helper. You are an essential part of your marriage.

Submission is a vital part of the marriage covenant that cannot be overlooked or discarded. It’s a step that we take in obedience to God for the purpose of bringing glory to God in our marriages. Although submission is the beautiful, perfect will of God, it should never be misused. In other words, we should never be abused.

I don’t approach this topic with naivety or insensitivity. I’ve seen the best, and I’ve seen the worst. I was once married to a man who abused me. Thankfully, that was a lifetime ago,
before
I met Michael and
before
I understood the beauty of submission and what it entailed. Nobody has the right to hurt you or to force you to sin against God. So if you are in danger, please speak to someone about it. Get help before you get hurt.

The kind of submission that I’m talking about brings glory to God. Whether our husbands are searching or saved, we can honor our Lord by living in such a way that draws them closer to Him.

But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet
spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands. (1 Peter 3:4–5)

So what about those husbands who don’t want to lead a family? After all, we’re cut from different cloth, right? It stands to reason that some will be leaders and others would prefer to sit back and let you make decisions. Here’s the thing: if he tells you that he wants you to make the decisions, then he’s made a decision right there.

I smile when I get letters from readers who say, “My husband told me that he doesn’t want me to submit to him, so I can’t.” My answer is, “Well, you better obey his wishes then.”

It’s kind of cute to see couples trying to figure this out, but it’s an incredible blessing when you see couples who are willing to step down in humility and yield to the will of the Lord. I think,
I wish I had your understanding of Scripture when I was that young.
My pilgrimage would have taken a different path, and my marriage would have been blessed by the fruit of obedience.

You see, I knew in my head that I was called to submit to my husband, but I hadn’t taken it to heart because doing so would have meant that I had to lay down my life as I knew it for the good of my marriage. It was easy to be submissive in some areas of my life—and I did so joyfully—but I wasn’t ready to
let go completely. When I finally realized that my marriage was crumbling beneath the weight of my sin, I understood that it was not only worth fighting for; it was worth dying for. If I was going to make this marriage work, I’d have to give up my silly notions that I know what’s best for my life and trust God with my future. Free-falling into the arms of my Savior, I chose His will over mine.

I’ve come to the understanding that submission runs deeper than merely stepping back so my husband can lead. It’s an act of yielding my life in submission to the Father who rewards those who seek Him. Regardless of who is balancing the checkbook or deciding on the color of drapes, we must remember that marriage is a testimony of God’s relationship to the world. When we honor our spouses, we bring glory to God.