Midnight Lily (Signs of Love) (15 page)

Her eyes met mine and there, joined with her, the moment felt profound. It felt more than physical. It felt like our hearts were joined, too. I'd never experienced this before. Never. "Yes," she whispered again, touching my face very gently. "Yes, Boy Scout, I trust you." My heart squeezed as I felt her body relax. I understood the gift she was giving me—not just her body, but her open trust, her willingness to be so vulnerable. Though instinct was instructing me to thrust and pound, I moved slowly, gently, letting her body grow accustomed to mine.

"Better?" I asked. "Okay?"

She nodded. "Yes, better. That feels nice." And I began to move, in and out, her body wrapped so tightly around me, I thought I'd die of pleasure. "I love you," I chanted. "I love you." I did, I loved her. I had never loved anyone like I loved Lily, and I knew I never would.

"I love you, too," she whispered into my ear. I felt the wetness of her tears on my cheek and wondered why she was crying, hoping it was because of the intensity of this experience. "I love you, Boy Scout."

Thrusting into her once more, my abdomen tightened, and I pressed deeply as my body shuddered in release, the pleasure spreading from my cock, down my thighs and all the way to my toes. "I love you," I said again, circling my hips to milk the pleasure and then stilling. "I love you."

I burrowed my face into the side of her neck, inhaling her sweet scent, as her hands moved caressingly over my back, her fingers stilling here and there as she traced a scar, circling her finger around a small one on my shoulder blade that I couldn't remember how I'd gotten. My brain felt cloudy with happiness and pleasure. Smiling and kissing up her still-wet jaw, I ended at her lips. She was smiling, too. She tasted both salty and sweet.

"Lily of the Night," I whispered. "
My
Lily of the Night. Are you okay?"

She smiled sweetly at me and nodded. I kissed her one last time before I pulled out of her and she yelped softly.

"I know. I don't like that part either," I said. I made a quick trip to the bathroom where I flushed the condom and returned to bed.

I lay back down and pulled Lily to me, hugging her against my body. She was soft, and sweet, and warm. "Will you come home with me?"

"We are at your home," she said distractedly, running a fingertip around my nipple, watching as it hardened beneath her touch. I shivered.

"No, my real home. I don't mean tomorrow. I mean in a couple weeks. Once I'm . . . feeling better. Will you come back to San Francisco with me?"

She was quiet for a moment, her finger stilling. "I can't. My mother . . ." A slight look of confusion crossed her beautiful features, but then it disappeared, making me wonder if I'd just imagined it.

"Your mother could come with us. Hell, I'll buy your mother her own house."

She smiled. "She'd never allow that. It's just not possible."

I tilted my head to look down at her. "Lily, she can't expect you to live on the edge of the woods for the rest of your life. What kind of life do you really have out here?"

"You don't know what my life is like," she said, her voice sounding harder. "Not really."

I sighed. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with her or push her after what we'd just done. "I know. I just mean . . . aren't you lonely?"

She hesitated before answering. "Yes. Sometimes. But not tonight." She snuggled closer, covering a small yawn. "Hold me." I pulled her tighter, kissing her head. We would talk about this in a couple days when I'd gone through the worst of the withdrawals. My body tensed at the thought alone.
Here we go again.
But I'd worry about that tomorrow. Tonight I had Lily. I fell asleep holding her in my arms, the smell of
us
bringing me happiness and comfort.

At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up to hear her whimpering softly and pulled her to me more tightly. "Shh," I crooned. "You're just dreaming."

"Don't leave me," she murmured, a note of fearful distress in her sleepy tone.

"Lily," I said, shaking her a bit. "Wake up, you're dreaming."

I could barely see her eyes open in the dark and for a second she just stared at me as if she didn't know where she was or who she was with. "Boy Scout," she finally murmured as she relaxed against me, wrapping her arms around my waist and falling back to sleep. I waited a few minutes and then got up as slowly and quietly as possible. I went to the bathroom and relieved myself and then retrieved a couple pills from the bottle I'd left in the medicine cabinet. I raised them to my lips and then hesitated. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror for a moment, thinking of Lily, thinking of all she'd given me, feeling my love for her flow through my body like a healing balm.
I love you, Boy Scout.
I wanted to be better for Lily. She deserved more than the man I was right now. I tossed the pills in the toilet and flushed. And then I took the two bottles Taylor had brought and emptied those into the toilet, too, and flushed again, exhaling a long gust of breath. I tossed both empty bottles in the trash. That was that. Jesus, that was that.

Nestled back in bed with Lily's warm body, I somehow fell immediately back to sleep.

I woke to the sunrise streaming through the window. The beast inside was clawing at my guts.

And I was alone.

Holden

It hurt. Oh God, it hurt so badly. My body was a flaming ball of fiery pain, each muscle screaming in agony.
You can do this. You can do this. Lily. Lily.
I was just so damned thirsty. Thirsty to the point of pain. But whenever I'd tried to drink anything, it came right back up. I wanted Lily. But I couldn't let her see me this way.

You can do this.

I wanted to be back in that bed with her. I just wanted to live there forever.

You can. Once you get through this. You can.

I needed air. I groaned, managing to drag myself from the couch out to the deck where I gulped in big breaths of fresh air. A muscle in my leg seized and I screamed, grabbing the back of my thigh. I hopped a couple steps, my leg coming out from under me. I hadn't realized I was right near the top of the stairs until I was plunging down them. I heard something crack and more pain exploded in my body. I couldn't even pinpoint where—it happened too fast. And then I slammed into the concrete below, stars bursting before my eyes, right before everything went black.

I was in the woods.

I hurt and yet I kept moving forward, moving toward Lily.

I just needed Lily.

I had to find her.

Everything ached, and I didn't know how long I could keep walking.

Shaking so violently I could barely see.

Lily.

I moved forward anyway, tripping, falling here and there, losing time, coming to as I stumbled forward some more.

Lily.

And then I stepped into nothing. I yelled out loudly as the earth dropped out beneath me.

Lily.

Falling.

Falling.

Pain bursting.

Lily.

**********

My head was throbbing, the light too bright behind my closed lids. I grimaced, turning my head and moaning, falling halfway back into the sleep I'd been pulled from in some way I couldn't remember. My hand felt heavy and numb.

I heard a voice. Lily, it was Lily's voice. The answer to a prayer. She was talking to someone in whispered tones. I tried to pull myself out of sleep, but was too tired. Too tired. Random words and phrases floated my way, but I didn't have the strength to try to grasp them.

"Quiet, he'll hear you," Lily said.

"So what? I only said he's handsome. I'm sure he's aware, right?"

"Yes and no," Lily whispered brokenly.

"What does that mean?" the other woman demanded.

"I'll tell you once he's taken care of," Lily said. Why did she sound so sad?

I drifted away again, only momentarily. "Dangerous?" I heard Lily ask.

"Yes, the handsome ones are
always
the most dangerous," the woman muttered.

"He's not dangerous," Lily said.

"That's what you think now."

I floated closer to the surface, trying once more to pull myself from the drugging grip of sleep.
Trying. Failing. Falling back down, down, down. Lily.
I heard Lily's voice again, scattered words, but couldn't string them together.

I came to and the light beyond my closed lids was different. How much time had passed? "Lily," I croaked, grasping on to the one word that made me want to fight to come awake, try to open my eyes. The light was too bright, though, and I clenched them shut. "I tried to get to you, I tried so hard . . ."

"Shush. Lily's not here, but she'll be back shortly. Just rest. You almost killed yourself, but Lily brought you here. You're safe now."

I fell back to sleep, my last thought being that I'd been abducted by a witch.

When I woke again, I was in a tub of water in front of a fire. "Are you cooking me?" I asked dazedly, not sure I cared.

"Your muscles were seizing," came the female voice. "Hot water will help. How long have you been addicted to pain medication?"

I laid my head back, her question causing me to try to use my brain. It felt all muddled. I brought my hands up and used the heels of my hands to massage my temples. "Not that long. A couple months."

The woman snorted. "That's plenty long enough."

"How did you know?"

The woman paused for a moment. "I just do."

"How'd I end up here?"

"You threw yourself right off a cliff I guess."

That didn't feel right. I searched my memory. "No, I didn't," I said. "I tripped."

"Okay. Well, your finger is broken and your ribs are bruised. You're lucky that's the extent of the damage. You were also dangerously dehydrated."

I opened my eyes as her footsteps came closer, and she stoked the fire. An old woman with short, salt-and-pepper hair and a face that was still lovely despite her advanced age. She vaguely resembled Lily.

"Who are you?" I asked. "Where's Lily's mother?"

"That's nothing for you to concern yourself with. You have enough problems of your own. Focus on getting better." I cringed from a muscle spasm in my calf.

I waited for more, but she didn't offer it. My brain was still foggy, and my body felt like a dead weight. I decided not to press the issue. "Lily?" I asked.

"I sent her away for a little while. Detoxing is messy and involves lots of personal bodily functions. I didn't believe you'd want her cleaning you up."

I grimaced. No, I didn't. "Thank you," I said. "Thank you for that." I felt grateful to this woman for giving me that small dignity.

She shrugged. "The worst of that is over, I think."

"How long have I been here?" I asked, sinking more deeply into the hot water. It felt so good. I opened my eyes long enough to glance around. The room looked like an old library, with an ornate, marble fireplace taking up a large portion of one wall, bookshelves filled with books all along the others, and a sitting area right behind the tub.

"Four days."
Four days.
Four days of no pills. A surge of pride ran down my spine. The worst was over. It must be.

"When will she be back?" I asked.

The woman paused, not looking at me, still stoking the fire. "Tonight. Are you hungry?" I considered her question, realizing I actually was.

"I think I could eat. Maybe I should. Maybe that'd be good."

She handed me a towel and looked away but didn't seem embarrassed by this situation. I thought maybe she was uncomfortable with me being there in general, though I wasn't sure why. My brain was still so foggy, and I was disoriented. I stood up slowly, using the towel to cover myself, and stepped gingerly out of the tub onto the faded Oriental rug on the floor. I wrapped the towel around my waist. "How'd you get me into this tub?"

"You walked. I just supported you. The fogginess should start diminishing now that you're moving around. And your clothes are in that bedroom." She pointed to an open door.

I nodded and walked toward it. My legs felt like they weighed ten tons each. It took all my energy to pull on my clothes. The woman brought me to the sitting area, and bending over a coffee table in front of the small couch, I ate some kind of vegetable stew filled with potatoes and a thick, rich broth. It was delicious and I'd have eaten more if I had the strength. I drank two glasses of water and could barely keep my eyes open.

The woman helped me back to the small bedroom where I'd changed my clothes and this time, I took a moment to look around. It had a twin bed in the corner and a dresser against the wall. There were personal knickknacks everywhere—a pink stone that was so smooth it looked like it'd been polished that way, a bird's nest, feathers of all colors and sizes, a basket full of pine cones, even a small, chipped arrowhead . . . things from the forest. "This is Lily's room, isn't it?"

As I walked past her, the woman nodded and inclined her head toward the bed, telling me to get in. I wasn't going to argue. I'd just sleep for a little while and be awake when Lily got back. "Thank you," I murmured, not turning around. "Thank you for helping me." The woman didn't reply. I only heard the click of the door being shut. I undressed quickly and climbed into bed. The pillow smelled like Lily. I fell asleep immediately, only coming to momentarily when I heard hushed arguing on the other side of the door. I could only make out Lily's words.

“You don’t know that. You don't know unless . . .”

“. . . there must be a way.” Quiet weeping.

“I can be. I can be what he needs.”

More weeping.

Lily.

I tried to pull myself fully out of sleep, pull myself toward her, but couldn't.

I dreamed of Ryan. He came to me through the fog, speaking to me, reminding me, telling me his story because I'd forgotten.
Oh God, I'd forgotten.
No, I hadn't forgotten. I hadn't wanted to hear. I'd shut it out, abandoned him. Abandoned
myself.
Yes, I'd abandoned myself. Because I'd thought I deserved it.

My best friend held out his hand to me and I gasped, the image becoming clearer and clearer as he moved closer. I wanted to look away in shame and an overwhelming sense of . . . fear. I was going to be lost, alone. But he was smiling, and he looked . . . happy. "Forgive me," I choked.

"There's nothing to forgive. It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault," he said. "I did what I was meant to do in this life. It's time to let me go now." No, no, no, no.

I woke up with tears on my face and warm arms wrapped around me. "Shh," she crooned. "I'm here. I'm right here."

"Lily," I choked out, burrowing my head into her chest. "Oh God, Lily." She held me as I cried, held me as it all came back. She was my strength as the truth dragged me under. When the final sobs wracked my body, I tipped my head back and looked up into her sweet, gentle face. She brushed the hair back from my forehead and kissed my cheeks tenderly. There was so much understanding in her expression. "Do you know about me? Do you know?" I asked.

She nodded slowly and then kissed me again. "Yes, love."

I moved my eyes over her face, trying to read her expression, trying to understand what she felt for me now that she knew. I didn't know what
I
felt for me now that
I
knew.

"It shattered me, Lily. Losing him, it," I took a big shuddery breath, "it shattered me."

"I know, Boy Scout, I know."

And it sounded as if she
did.
"He was the other half of me."

She shook her head. "No, he was your best friend. You're a whole man. You're not half of anyone."

Her face was so beautiful, so sorrowful, so filled with compassion. It was all too much, too much. I grimaced from the pain in my head. "No, I'm
not
a whole man. Maybe you don't even know me. Do you feel that way? You must."

"No," she said softly, and then with more force, "no. I know your superpower is flying." She smiled. "And I know you like football, and Star Wars, and jazz music, the old kind." Her fingers skated down my cheek, and I leaned in to them. "I know you like comic books, and museums, and fireworks, and travel. If I cooked for you, I'd make you pancakes even if it was midnight, and then I'd take you to a movie in an empty theater on a Tuesday, in a snowstorm. And then," her voice grew even quieter, "we'd come home, and you'd make love to me so sweetly I'd want to cry and sing at the same time. I know you're kind and good and that you love people with your entire heart and mind. I know that when you love someone, you'll love them forever. Are all those things true, Boy Scout?" Her fingers found the scars on my back and traced them lightly, lovingly, her fingertips finding the small, scattered divots.

"Yes," I breathed. "Yes, Lily," I murmured. It was the only thing in me right then. Only her. Only how much I loved her.

Under the blankets, Lily's hand roamed across my hip, her fingernails raking softly down my outer thigh. I shivered, hardening. Her smell, the soft feel of her was all around me, and I needed her so desperately. I needed her to remind me that I was real.

"Lily," I whispered again, my own hands roaming her body now. She was only wearing her bra and underwear and she quickly removed them, helping me take off my boxers. My body hurt, felt bruised all over, but I didn't care. Her lips found mine and I sighed, tasting her, basking in the comfort of her mouth on mine, her tongue tangled with my own. Moaning softly, she gripped me in her hand and stroked me several times until I was throbbing. She positioned her hips and guided me inside her under the blankets. I moaned at the soft, wet grip of her flesh around my own. "Oh," I moaned. "Oh God." Lily moaned, too, as our lips met. This was relief. This was heaven. Warm under the blankets, a safe haven, my body connected to Lily's as we moved together, seeking to find comfort in each other's bodies.

Minutes later, we came together, gripping one another and both crying out as softly as possible. We kept kissing for long minutes as we came back down to earth, Lily smiling softly against my mouth. I wanted to fall asleep again. Making love to Lily had zapped the very last of my energy. Despite her smile, a tear rolled down her cheek. "You know you don't need me anymore, right?" A numb sort of panic arced through me.