Midnight Surrender (Freedom Fighters Series Book 2) (11 page)

Refusing to acknowledge his words, I pushed him away. Tears fell down my cheeks and I ran from him. Back in our room I shut the door and locked it, sobbing into my pillow on the bed, my heart shattered into a million broken pieces.

Mal picked up a bottle of whiskey and tipped it back, letting the fire settle into the pit of his stomach. Drunk. Completely wasted. Pass out from the world inebriated. It was the only condition in which he was going to last the night.

He had to block the thoughts in his head. The images of Lizzie’s naked body joining with Alec. The thought of him returning to claim her. The knowledge that he was right now, this very moment, making love to her. It tortured him in ways he never thought possible.

Shot after shot, he didn’t stop until his knees became weak and heat coursed through his veins. Bleary eyed he chanced a glance at Big Dog who quietly watched him. Silent communication passed between them. If anyone in this crazy world understood him, it was his best friend. Mal didn’t have to explain his mood. His friend already knew.

He had gone from drunk to cold stone sober in two seconds flat when Alec entered the doorway. All of his hopes had dashed with him. He would never stand a chance with Lizzie now. It wasn’t his plan to take her away. Really.

That was the worst of it. He had never wished any ill will toward his leader. Mal was as loyal to Alec as he could possibly be. He respected and admired him. Things were just different now. Way different.

Something had happened to him in the last six months that he had not counted on. Something he didn’t realize would cost him so dearly. For the first time in his life he had dared to let himself be real. In the months with Lizzie and little Benjamin he had been content and happy, able to relax and push past all of the barriers he had erected since the war started. He had a purpose greater than waging revenge and war.

A priceless life altering objective.

Damn.

He was struck by the intensity of it.

Life had become precious to him. Their
lives
had become precious. His feelings had grown despite his efforts to keep himself distant. Honestly, he had tried.

His mistake was his error in thinking that when in love with someone you can keep your distance. He had failed on multiple occasions, almost bringing her down to his level. He never would have forgiven himself if Lizzie had done something she regretted. Sleeping with her would have been a mistake. A mistake that made his body hum and buzz with longing whenever she was near.

He threw back another shot, almost spilling the bottle in his other hand as he tripped over his own feet. Rum splashed on his pants and onto the floor. He grinned wickedly. Perhaps he was a tiny bit drunk after all. Good.

It was almost enough to drown out the tiny cries of ecstasy he heard coming from her bedroom door. Shit. More whiskey. That’s what he needed.

Big Dog caught the bottle as he dropped it, helping him over to the couch. He fell back against it and collapsed in fatigue. His eyelids drooped. It was only a matter of moments before he drifted off to sleep. His last thoughts were of Lizzie. He wondered how it would feel to have her love him in return, to feel her body pressed against him in passion, and to know the feeling of her belonging solely to him…

Mal regretted his decision to get drunk the minute he opened his eyes. Pain pierced his skull in at least three places and the light from above seemed intent on destroying his vision permanently. Nausea permeated every fiber of his being. With great effort he sat up, glancing around him. Liquor bottles were everywhere. Many of them were tipped over, most of them empty. Had he really consumed so much on his own?

A snore from nearby caught his attention. Big Dog. Of course he would have had a few drinks with his friend but he couldn’t quite remember. He didn’t remember much of anything last night except Alec returning home. After that it was a blur. Intentionally blank. But he felt the truth anyway. Instantly his heart remembered why he had consumed so much alcohol in the first place.

Lizzie. His body vibrated with memory. Lizzie running from the bedroom with joy on her face. Lizzie kissing Alec. Lizzie being carried off into the bedroom. Lizzie’s moans coming from the room, the noises lodging in his brain. Lizzie beautiful, naked, reaching for him. Lizzie…

He shook his head trying to dislodge his current thoughts from his brain. No. Lizzie didn’t belong to him. She was taken. She was
married
. She would never be his and the sooner he came to terms with it the less he would suffer. A terrible ache from his heart and his groin joined the one in his head. Shit. He had a hangover.

Sighing he rose from the couch and began to clean up the room. A half hour later it was clean, Tylenol was helping his headache, and he began to whistle a happy tune. Forcing himself not to dwell on Lizzie he walked down to the kitchen and began cooking a large breakfast. Sausage links, hash browns, fried eggs, and pancakes on a griddle soon covered the tabletop. He even felt motivated enough to squeeze fresh orange juice.

Feeling satisfied with himself he walked to Alec and Lizzie’s room and paused by the door. He could hear noises and knew they were awake. Smiling, he knocked on the door. Moments later Alec opened it, his demeanor strange for a man who had just been reunited with his wife and son. Mal brushed it aside and spoke cheerfully.

“How about a nice big breakfast this morning?”

“I’m starving, thanks. We’ll meet you at the mess in a few minutes. Lizzie is feeding Benjamin.”

Before Mal could respond the door was shut in his face. Frowning he walked away, shuffling his feet along the floor. Concern for Lizzie entered his mind. Had they fought? Had he been unkind to her? Did he suspect something was going on between him and Lizzie?

If any harm had come to her he didn’t know if he could hold himself in check. He had done that once, much to his shame. He had stood back and let Darren control Lizzie. He had let him treat her like a prisoner. His actions had come almost too late. What if Lizzie would have been killed? The thoughts tortured him until he was no longer alone and Big Dog entered the kitchen.

Mal knew his thoughts were wrong. He knew he lusted after and desired another man’s wife. The problem was that Mal had been in love with her for years now, so long he couldn’t remember when it happened. He had trained, slept, fought, and ate beside her on an almost daily basis since the day they found her. Yes, Mal had been there too.

Thinking back on that day he realized he must have fallen in love with her almost instantly. Together Darren and Mal had comforted her and brought her back from the brink of death. It was Mal who had insisted on caring for her wounds. Mal who held her hand and quieted her cries of anguish. No wonder he fell for her so hard and so fast. Even then she had been beautiful and innocent, her charm endearing him to her forever.

Mal would have to continue to be patient. He was here to protect Lizzie and her child. His job was not yet completed. Until the day she no longer needed him or she dismissed him, he would remain at her side.

He was not a fool. He knew his continued presence would only cause grief to himself, for his heart would always want Lizzie, and he didn’t know if he could or would want to change that. The problem was, there was no way to change that. Even if he walked away, no matter how much distance was between them, he would always love and desire her.

As he awaited her appearance one thought gave him solace. She loved him too. Even though her love for Alec was stronger, she still held feelings for Mal. Deep feelings. It meant the world to him that she confessed it. To know his feelings were validated because Mal knew she loved him too. No matter what the future held, life had shown him that love existed for him and that some things were still left in this war torn world worth fighting for.

Damned if he wasn’t going to try.

Alec waited until he was sure Lizzie had fallen asleep and then he let out a long slow breath. He was sure heaven could never be sweeter than lying with his beautiful wife, and certain hell wouldn’t ever be as agonizing as leaving her forever.

He absently brushed her long curls from her face. Studying her closely, memorizing every feature, he committed her to his memory. Far from now, in the future, he would remember this night. He would remember their love making and her love and it would give him strength.

For hours he watched her, unable to sleep, and let his heart absorb every second they had together. He glanced at his tiny son in the cradle. He was much bigger now. His delicate features reminded him of Lizzie. Soft brown curls and a heart shaped face. He wondered what color his eyes were and if they were still a bluish grey.

Little Benjamin made a tiny happy sound and rolled over. Blinking, he opened his eyes and looked over. Alec’s breath caught in his throat. His son’s eyes were the same color, steely grey, and suddenly he smiled.

“Dada.”

Tears filled his eyes. “Yes, my little Benjamin. It’s Daddy.”

The baby pulled himself up and started bouncing in excitement.

“Dada. Dada. Mama.”

He laughed softly and eased off the bed. Benjamin raised his little arms in expectation and Alec scooped him up in a hug. Squealing in delight he placed a kiss on his father’s cheek.

“Dada,” he said again.

Alec smiled at him and sank onto the bed next to Lizzie. She stirred and opened her eyes, a bright smile on her face.

“Somebody is happy to finally see his daddy.”

Guiltily Alec blushed and smiled back. “I know. He has already said dada at least five times.”

“Dada,” he repeated.

She laughed softly. “He’s been saying it for months, along with mama, Mow for Mal, and baba.”

Alec turned back to his son. He was bouncing on his lap and making happy little noises. There was a sparkle in his eye that reminded Alec of his own father. He would have been pleased and proud to have a grandson. The thought hit Alec hard. He had a wonderful father raise him, gentle and kind. He was loved. Sharing that love with his own son was a blessing. At least it was supposed to be.

Alec had a family and became a man who now had his own son to raise. The idea filled his heart with joy, until he realized that he would not be here to do it.

He placed a kiss on his son’s head and handed him to Lizzie.

“Does he still nurse?”

She nodded and brought him close. Alec watched as he suckled at her breast, content and happy. For months he had these memories lingering in his mind. Images of her. Of his little boy. He used to dream of Lizzie nursing their son, of being content and happy and free. Alec would dream of a large family and his beautiful wife at his side. It had given him comfort on those long nights apart. But a dream it was.

He glanced at her sharply. Another child. Oh God, what if he got her pregnant again last night? It was possible, probable even. She had conceived easily with little Benjamin. After his birth they had been careful not to have another child too soon. But last night he had made love to her with wild abandon and it never entered his mind. What would he do if he knew she was carrying another baby? Would it change everything? Could Alec leave her now?

Angry with himself for being careless, he got up and started pacing. He ran his fingers through his dark hair in frustration. What would he do now? Would he have to wait until her monthly cycle came? Did he refuse to make love to her again? In his heart he knew he would never be able to resist.

But where did this leave him? Where did it leave them? Had he just done the worst thing imaginable and made them even more vulnerable?  The answer came back as a swift yes in his head and he groaned in misery.

Lizzie had sought him out after breakfast. He knew she had questions. He knew she had doubts and was worried. The last six months were as lonely and miserable for her as it was for him. How did he make her understand?

And then she had jumped to conclusions. Imagining things that did not happen. Thinking he did not want her. Thinking there was another woman. It had shocked and angered him. Why? Why would she even consider the possibility of him cheating on her or wanting anyone else?

Was it because she was unfaithful herself? Or tempted? Was it Mal? 

Damn. He had been gone too long. He didn’t know where they stood now. He didn’t know what to say or what to do. Time had separated them and caused a shift in their relationship. A distance that he loathed and despised. They could not afford to become wary or suspicious of each other now. No, they needed to stay loyal, constant, and unwavering.

Alec watched her run from the room, his heart breaking with every step and at the thought of causing her pain. His beloved. His Lizzie. It felt as though someone had sucker punched him in the gut. Bending over the table of maps he tried to catch his breath.

Never in his life had he felt so hopeless. Even when the bombing took away his family he had held onto hope. Hope for revenge. Hope for finding Lizzie. Hope that someday he could set everything right again. When he finally found Lizzie after three long years, that hope had turned into the greatest joy imaginable. He didn’t think it could ever get any better and then his son had been born.

On the opposite end of extreme joy was pain and anguish such as he had never thought possible. If in the end he still lost Lizzie he was certain it would destroy him. Protecting them both was his top priority. The war was coming to a crossroads, as if it balanced precariously on the edge of a serrated knife.

The pain and anguish came with knowing that he had to leave them. It was beyond his control. Everything, the entire future, hinged upon his ability to end this war. It was the only way to secure a future for his son. The only way to make sure the militia suffered and a free world, for all people, was finally tangible.

How did he explain this to Lizzie? How did he help her understand that it was his responsibility to protect them, save them, and keep them from the horrors of war? He could not return to them until it was over. He could not put them at risk. He would not allow them to be placed in harm’s way. No matter what the cost. Or
his
cost.

In the background he could hear Lizzie’s cries. His heart wrenched. He must go to her. He couldn’t leave her like this. He couldn’t let her believe in or have any doubts about his feelings or devotion. She could never find out the extent to which he would go to protect her. He would give up everything, anything, even his life, to keep her and his son alive and safe.

Determined to put things right, he straightened and headed for the door. Mal appeared, arms crossed over his chest, staring at him with a thunderous expression on his face. Alec sighed. He did not wish to waste time in a confrontation with one of his men right now. He needed to talk to Lizzie.

Mal stepped in his path and blocked the way. He would not be put off.

“What is going on?” He asked. “Benjamin heard Lizzie crying and I had to calm him down.”

Frustrated, Alec tried to step past him without success.

“I must go to Lizzie,” he replied.

“I need answers Boss. I need to know your intentions,” Mal insisted.

Anger flashed in Alec’s eyes briefly. “I need to speak with
my wife
.”

Mal’s eyes narrowed. He took a deep breath.

“I get that Boss. I’m concerned, that’s all. Please.”

Alec relaxed, as much as he was able, and unclenched his fists.

“I have to leave soon. Surely Big Dog has filled you in. You know about the bombing and the militia’s plan for more air raids on Refugee Road?”

At Mal’s nod he continued.

“Then you know I cannot stay as long as the fighting and these threats continue. They will never be safe Mal until this is over. My son will never be free. I have to do everything in my power to help end this war. I can’t do that and worry about my wife and son at the same time. I need to know they will be all right.”

“I understand. What do you need me to do?” He asked sincerely.

“Watch over them. Keep them safe at any cost, even at the expense of your own life. I’m asking a lot here Mal. I could ask any man but I’m asking
you
. If you want out, now is the time to let me know.”

Mal shook his head and lowered his arms. His stance relaxed.

“No. I could never leave them, especially now. I care for them like they were my own. You have my word,” he promised.

Alec nodded, placing his hand on Mal’s shoulder.

“I have something else to ask. Before you give your word, I ask you to think it through. If anything…” He choked on his words slightly and cleared his throat. “If anything should happen to me…I ask that you would look after them both. Permanently, with my blessing. Do you understand?”

The words almost stuck in his throat. For a moment he couldn’t continue. It hurt like hell to think of a future without Lizzie and his son. It was almost unbearable.

Mal seemed to understand. He could see the struggle Alec was going through. He returned the gesture, placing his hand on his leader’s shoulder.

“I don’t need time. I already know. If it comes to that…I’ll do right by them both.”

Alec nodded, unable to verbalize his thanks or relief. He pushed past Mal and headed down the hall to Lizzie. He had known of Mal’s feelings for his wife for a long time. It was not a secret.

He would never condone another man with his wife, but in the event of his death he had to be sure she wasn’t alone. The best he could do for her was to leave her with someone who loved her as much as he did. Well, perhaps loved her enough. Alec was certain his love for Lizzie was the strongest in existence.

Having finished his preparations there was only one thing left to do. His palms were sweaty and he wiped them on his cargo pants. He took a couple of deep breaths. Heart pounding nearly out of his chest, he knocked on the door and prayed his strength would hold.