Misguided Truths: Part One (6 page)

His warm arms are wrapped firmly around my waist, and his breaths are heavy.

I feel sick.

No.

Numb.

I feel numb.

Yesterday morning, I was so happy. So excited. So hopelessly in love with Brandon.

Brandon.

I close my eyes and feel the tears slowly escaping down my cheeks and onto the pillow, but this does nothing to help block out the memories from what happened last night.

You deserve someone who wants to spend every second of their time with you, Holly.

He hasn’t changed.

Just one. One drink. One more.

Another …

Don’t think about anything.

Just relax.

A sob escapes from my lips and only makes me squeeze my eyes closed even more.

“Hey, are you awake?”

I swallow, hard. The bed shifts, but I keep my eyes closed. I need … I don’t know what I need. I wish I could turn back the clock and that last night never happened. No. I want to turn it back to before the summer. I knew I should have taken a step back and listened to my instincts. Deep down I knew he would do it eventually. I knew he couldn’t be faithful. But then, I’m no better than him anymore, am I?

I hesitantly open my eyes when I hear the bedroom door close and footsteps disappearing down the hallway on the other side of the wall.

My head hurts. Everything hurts. I always thought that my first time would be … different, somehow. Gentle. Tender. Amazing. With someone I was madly in love with. But, it wasn’t. It wasn’t anything like I’d imagined it would be.

I sit myself up and glance around the room for my purse. The clock on his nightstand is reading 07:12.

Damn. I need to get home.

I notice my cell on the floor beside the bed
, and drop in into my purse while looking around for my clothes. Rubbing my eyes, I blink until my vision becomes clearer.

“Sleeping beauty is finally awake.”

I risk a glance in his direction and see him standing in the doorway, wearing only a pair of white boxer shorts. I fight with the bile that’s in my throat so I can try and find my voice to be able to speak.

“H
ere, you might wanna take these,” he sits beside me and attempts to pass me a couple of painkillers and a glass of water. My stomach rolls when my eyes land down to where he’s now brushing his fingers over the top of my thighs.

“I need to go,
” I tell him and reach for my clothes. Once I’ve pulled my shirt on and stepped into my jeans, I go to stand, but his hands are now gripping onto my waist and stopping me from going anywhere.

“Go?” h
is smile has turned into a deep frown. “Go where?”

“I shouldn’t be here … I don’t know wh—“

“Holly, it’s okay. I’ll be right there beside you when you tell him about us.”

“What?” My mouth falls wide open and it takes me a couple of seconds to compose myself. “I-I-I—”

He stands and tries to wrap his hands fully around me, but I push him away and step out from his grasp. Is he crazy?

“Last night was—”

“A mistake! It was a mistake, Neil!” The calmness has long since disappeared from my voice. “I have to go.” I don’t wait for him to say anything else. I grab my purse and practically run from his room and out from his house as fast as I possibly can.

On my way home all I can think about is how, twenty four hours ago, I was so happy. Brandon and I were so happy. He said that there was no hurry and that he’d be patient. That he’d wait until I was ready. He told me that he’d wait forever for me.

He lied.

All the times when he said he was rehearsing with the band? Well, he wasn’t. Neil told me this last night when we were on our way back from the movies, and he even showed me a text message that Brandon had sent to him last week. He’d told Neil that his patience was beginning to run out and that he didn’t care where he got it, he just needed it and soon. He said that he’d waited long enough and was getting beyond frustrated. Then Neil told me about another message he received while me, Neil, and Ryan were at the movies. Brandon had said that he’d just had the best night of his life and the long wait had been fully worth it.

When I asked Neil what Brandon was referring to, he told me that Brandon hooked up with some girl from college, and messaged to ask him if he and Ryan wanted to meet after the gig for a party back at her house. Neil admitted that he wasn’t really surprised because Brandon had already mentioned that she’d been flirting endlessly with him ever since he started his classes. I could tell that he didn’t want to say anything else, but I knew he was hiding something else. It turned out, he was. Brandon had taken the girl around the back of the building during the band’s first break and … I don’t want to even think about it anymore, let alone say it.

He betrayed me. He played me. And, it hurts. I believed every word that left his lips and thought that we were in our relationship for the long haul. That’s why I’d arranged for us to
use the cabin. I wanted him to be my first, maybe even my last. But, well, it’s never going to be that way now.

My chest feels tight and tears are still falling down my cheeks as I walk through the front gate. Wiping them away with the back of my hands, I feel frustrated and take a deep breath before stepping through the front door of my home.

The first thing I do when I reach the second floor is head to my room to grab some fresh clothes. I need to get in the shower and wash last night off of me.

Rachael storms out of her room just as I reac
h my door and she looks furious, “Where the hell have you been?” Her eyes are so wide that they look as though they’re about to completely pop out of their sockets. “We’ve been worried sick!”

“Not now, Rachael.” I say glumly and push my door open. Dropping my purse on my desk, I walk over to my closet, stopping midway when something catches my eye. I grab the folded piece of paper from the end of my bed and turn around.

Rachael has folded her arms across her chest and has begun to tap her right foot on the floor. “Where did you sleep? You know—“

“At a friends from high school,” I say quietly, just hoping that she doesn’t ask me which friends place it actually was.

“You should have called or messaged or something!” she admonishes me. When I glance down to the note, I see Brandon’s name at the bottom. Confused, I look back to my sister and she gives me a small, sympathetic smile. “He told me you guys had a fight. Are you okay?” Her voice is softer now as she walks over to stand in front of me.

“Brandon was here?” I try to hide my surprise from my voice, but I fail. “When?”

She shakes her head and a wider smile spreads over her lips, “From around midnight until three this morning. I honestly thought he’d never leave. Listen, I know how important last night was for you, Holly. I’m sorry.” She gives my arm a slight squeeze before wrapping hers around my shoulders. “He didn’t know what you had planned at all, did he?”

“No … um, no. He didn’t … Rach, can we do this later? I’m exhausted.”

“Just do me one small favor?” she raises her eyebrows at me as she asks. “Call him.” She smiles again and I wait for her to walk out of my room before unfolding the piece of paper.

Holly,

I’ve tried calling you like a million times and sent a few messages but your cells switched off.

Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re upset but can you call me or something? I’ve been going out of my mind over here. I just wanna know that you’re okay. That we’re okay.

I hate how we left things.

I miss you.

Brandon

XXXX

I pick up my purse and take my cell phone out. It takes a couple of seconds after I’ve switched it on to load, but when it does, I’m inundated with missed calls and messages. All are from Brandon, except for a couple from Rachael.

The calls started at six thirty and ended at three thirty this morning. The messages, all fourteen of them, were sent over the course of the night.

6:30: We have a break in rehearsals. Call me. X

6:44: Alright, breaks over. I’ll call you on the next one. X

8:00: Holly, are you getting these? We’re just going up. X

9:30: We’re halfway through the set and have a ten minute break. Call me. Please? X

9:32: Holl’s, I know you’re upset but can you at least answer your cell? X

9:44: Time to play again. I’ll call you when we’re done. X

11.01: We did it Holl’s! The wait is finally over. We got offered a regular weekend slot! X

11:11 I just called Rye and he said you already left the movie theatre. Can you just pick up                  your phone? X

11:19: I get it. You’re mad. Talk to be, baby. Please? X

11.34: I’m getting Corey to drop me by your place on our way home. X

11:37: Holly, this is ridiculous. Will you quit ignoring me?

12:04: I’m in your room and Rachael’s going nuts. Where are you anyways?

12:19: Holly I’m getting worried.

01:37: WILL YOU ANSWER YOUR FUCKING CELL?

But, N
eil said that Brandon was going to a party right after the gig. And, how did he have the time to send me all of those messages during his breaks when he was outside with—?

Oh God.

He wasn’t.
He didn’t.

My cell phone
sounds and I see Neil’s name displaying on the screen. My hands are beginning to shake when the realization finally starts to sink in.

“You lied,” m
y voice is nothing but a whisper as I hold my cell up to my ear. “Brandon. Brandon didn’t—” I hear him chuckle deeply down the phone and close my eyes. “When Brandon finds out what you did, he’s going to—“

“Holly, Holly, Holly …” h
is sickly sweet voice is making me want to hurl. “Take a moment to think about this, will you? When he finds out what
you
did, not me.
You.
You’re his girlfriend.
You
cheated on
him
. You really think that he’s gonna to be so forgiving and want to touch you after you seduced one of his best friends?”

“B-B-But, you tricked me! Why? Why would you—?”

“I want you, Holly,” his voice has turned more serious, but he really can’t be, can he? “Last night proved to me that you want me just as much as I want you.”

“No! Last night should never have happened! You tricked me!” I scream down the phone and feel tears beginning to stream down my cheeks. “It was a mistake!”

I hear him taking a deep breath before he speaks again, “You didn’t seem to think it was a mistake when you were laying under me. When I was buried deep inside you, Holly.”

N
ausea sweeps through my stomach, and I feel the bile rising in my throat when he says those words to me. I feel dirty. Cheap, “Please. Please don’t tell him. Please, Neil?” I plead with him through my sobs. “Please?”

“I wasn’t planning on telling him,” his voice has softened and a huge wave of relief washes through me. “
You are
.” A silence takes over for a few brief moments before he speaks again. “Just end things with him and then we don’t have to hide our feelings for each other anymore.”

“Feelings? The only thing I feel for you right now is hatred!” I spit in response. “He’ll never forgive you for this. Never!”

Another harsh sound travels through the phone, “Bro’s before hoes, Holly. Bro’s before hoes.”

I immediately snap my cell closed and throw it across my room before resting my head in my hands.

Sitting down on my bed, my eyes land on the gift that Brandon bought for me for our two month anniversary. Removing the gift wrap and opening the red, velvet box, my eyes begin to glaze over when I see a silver, heart-shaped locket necklace inside, with the word ‘
Love’
engraved on the back.

I hear my cell beeping on the pillow beside me and reluctantly open my eyes while letting out a sigh. I reach over and see another message flashing on the screen for my attention. I wish he would just leave me alone.

Meet with me.

The irony.

I had my doubts on whether Brandon could ever be faithful, and all the while, I end up being the one to risk our relationship, to jeopardize everything we have for some …
for some stupid, stupid mistake that got out of hand.

He won’t stop. I’ve told him that what happened
between us on Saturday will not be repeated, but he won’t accept it. He won’t listen. He tricked me. Every time my cell rings and his name appears on the screen, my whole body fills with anxiety. The only good thing is that I’ll only have to put up with it for a few more days. He and Ryan are flying to Europe first thing on Monday morning, and then things can get back to how they were before. At least, I hope they can.

Knock. Knock.

“Who is it?”  I ask, keeping my eyes fixated on the ceiling above my bed.

“Brandon’s here,
” Rachael speaks quietly as she peeks her head around my bedroom door. “
Again
.”

I close my eyes and feel like pretending I didn’t hear her. He’s been calling several times a day and showing up
at the house ever since Sunday, “Can you tell him that I’m busy with school work or something?” I can’t face him, not after betraying him the way I did.

She walks in and closes the door before coming to
sit down on the edge of my bed, “But you’re not and he knows that you haven’t been in school all week. Holly, you haven’t even been out of the house since, when? Sunday? Look. Is this about what happened on Saturday?”

“What?” My eye
s widen and I swallow hard when I sit up abruptly and look at her.

“I’d be upset, too, Holly. But, don’t you think you should maybe put the poor guy out of his misery already?”

Does she know? I haven’t told a soul about what happened on Saturday night, not even Naomi. Unless … Neil.  No. No, he wouldn’t have. Feelings of both anger and guilt begin to flare up from deep within me, and it takes all of my strength not to break down in front of her and admit to what I did.

“If you’re done with him then you need to at least tell him. It’s not fair—”

“Are you?” My eyes land over on the now open doorway and a dull ache crosses into my chest when I see him. “Are you done?” His shoulders are slumped low, and his eyes are dull. I’ve never seen him look so pale, so dejected before.

I glance slowly between him and Rachael as she p
laces her hand gently on my arm, “Holly?”

I nod at her, and she gives me a small smile before she stands up and heads over to the door. She quietly whispers something to Brandon, and I see him give her a tight smile
, as though in understanding, before she closes the door behind her.

“Um …” I sit straighter and wait for him to come and sit with me, but he doesn’t. He stays standing on the other side of the room, with his gaze firmly fixed on the floor. “I …”

I have absolutely no idea what I should even say to him. Telling him about what happened between me and Neil will mean that I’ll lose him. I don’t want to lose him. But, I can’t pretend it didn’t happen, either. If I could, then I would, but the guilt is eating away inside.

“Just hear me out, okay? I swear, Holl's, if I’d have known how upset you’d be then I would’ve—“

“You’d have cancelled the gig and come with me instead?” He closes his eyes and leans his head against the back wall.

“I don’t think I’m gonna like the answer to this,” he exhales a deep breath
, and rakes both of his hands through his hair while taking a seat beside me, resting his head in his hands. “But, I need to know.”

When he lifts his head, I see they’re glazed over and an almost grey color. Purple
s rings are underneath his eyes, “W-w-what?”

He knows.

“I fucked up. I know I did. But, Holl's? Please don’t …” Brandon’s eyebrows furrow and a deeper frown etches over his mouth. I follow his gaze and see that he’s now staring at the gift he gave to me on Friday night, still in its box and sitting on my nightstand. “Are you breaking up with me?” His voice cracks as he asks. Though his hands are gripped tightly together in front of his mouth, they’re shaking. He doesn’t look at me; he just keeps his eyes focused directly ahead.

He thinks that this is all of his fault, and this alone makes it’s impossible for me to hold them in any longer. Tears begin to treacle down my cheeks and a knot twists in my stomach. “Brandon?” I whisper and watch him lift his head up before turning to face me. “I’m—“

He stands back up and begins pacing the length of my room, stopping when he reaches the window. He rests his hands against the windowsill and gazes outside. A few moments pass by before he drops his head in defeat, “Rach was right, wasn’t she? You’re … you’re done.” His voice is a whisper and laced with sorrow.

My cell vibrate again
, and when I check the screen, it’s another message.

What’s Brandon doing in your room?

What in the hell?

I shove the phone into the top drawer of my nightstand and slam it closed. Brandon looks over with a questioning look in his eyes before returning his focus back out of the window. My hands are shaking as I stand and walk over to him.

He turns his back to the window, and is facing me now, with a look of desperation crossing into his eyes, “I’m in love with you, Holly.” He lowers his gaze to the floor and shakes his head. “I fell in love with you.” His voice is a hoarse whisper and my breath catches when he says the words. He’s never told me he loves me before. The guilt I’d been feeling was nothing compared to how bad I feel right now.

Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I pull him into me and close my eyes, inhaling his scent. God, I’ve missed this. He places his hands lightly on either side of my waist and rests his chin on my right shoulder. His breaths are uneven, and I know that I need to say those three words back to him.

“Please give me another chance, Holl’s,” he whispers while wrapping his arms around my waist tightly. “Please?”

I pull away slightly a
nd open my eyes so he can see me when I tell him that I fell in love with him, too, but my stomach churns and my blood runs cold when I see Neil stepping out from behind a tree on the other side of the street.

He’s staring directly up through the window at us, and I know that I need to put an end to this once and for all. I can’t tell Brandon about what happened. He’s just declared his love for me, and I don’t want that to change. It’s hard enough to see him this upset, with him just thinking that I’m breaking up with him. But, to tell him that I slept with Neil, one of his best friends? Well, that would break him, and I know there would be no way we’d be able to come back from that.

No. Once Neil sees me with Brandon then he’ll understand, and he’ll finally listen. I just need to show him that it’s Brandon I want, and not him.

There’s only one thing I can think to do.

I grasp at Brandon’s hair and pull him forward until his mouth is on mine, kissing him hard. I feel his shoulders instantly relax as he places his hands back on my waist. The kiss is unhurried, though filled with pure need. His fingers brush through my hair and then he begins to place softer kisses by my ear, before trailing them along my jaw and pulling away to look at me again.

I step out from his embrace and take a deep breath.

“Holl’s?” I tear my gaze away from his and walk towards the door. Turning the key in the lock, I briefly close my eyes and inhale another breath, with the hope it’ll help to steady my nerves. “Holl’s?” I see that his eyebrows have furrowed, and a deep frown has formed over his lips when I reopen them. “What are you doing?”

Now’s not the time to be feeling nervous.

Breaking our eye contact, I walk slowly towards him and begin to unfasten the buttons on my shirt. I don’t say anything when I stand directly in front of him, but risk a glance out of the window and see that Neil’s still standing outside and looking in.

“Holly?”

I turn and stare deeply into Brandon’s eyes and shrug out of my shirt, allowing for it fall to the floor before reaching over to remove his. His eyes widen, and I notice him swallow nervously as his eyes roam over me, “I love you, too.” I whisper, and thankfully the anxiety I’m feeling doesn’t creep into my voice.

Once his shirt is fully open, I brush my fingers lazily over his chest and abs, bringing them
slowly upwards until I reach his jaw, “I’m ready.” My voice is shaky as my eyes meet with his again.

“You’re ready for what?”
his voice is soft as he asks, and he searches my eyes, studying me. I lower my hands and reach for the waistband of his pants, and it’s now when it finally seems to dawn on him. “Oh.”

I need him to know that it’s only him that I want, and Neil needs to see this so he’ll get the message. My first time should always have been with Brandon. If we do this now, then Neil will no longer be the one who took this away from me. He’ll no longer be the
one who took this away from us, “Are you sure about this?”

Nodding only slightly, I reach over to the curtains and see Neil shaking his head. Good. He’s seeing this. I pull them closed and then turn back to Brandon, grabbing his hands in mine before walking slowly backwards until we reach my bed.

I lean up and kiss him again, taking my hands from out of his and wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him down until he’s lying on top of me.

He break
s our kiss and searches my face, “So, we’re not breaking up?”

“W
e’re definitely not breaking up,” I tell him, while shaking my head and gripping onto his shoulders.

“But, then why?” h
is brow furrows, and he looks confused. “Why’ve you been avoiding me?”

A dull a
che crosses over my chest again, “Because … because I wasn’t sure if you felt the same.”

“Never doubt my feelings for you, Holly,” he whispers and then gently presses his lips against mine briefly. “
Ever.”

His hands begin to roam over my breasts, before he strokes his fingers lightly across my naval. I hear the sound of my zipper and then feel his warm hand sliding in-between my jeans and panties. 

I rest my head back against the pillow as he places soft, lingering kisses over my neck, and his breaths by my ear send warm tingles throughout my entire body.

This tenderness was how it was supposed to be. How it was supposed to feel when I had sex for the first time.

When his fingers touch my bare flesh, I inhale a sharp breath as he lets out a soft groan, and I feel my muscles beginning to tense.

“Just relax,” he whispers.

One more drink…

You feel so good …

You like that, huh?

Just relax …

I clench my eyes closed when images from Saturday filter into my mind, and I can feel my whole body beginning to shake.

It’s Brandon. It’s Brandon. It’s …

I open my eyes when I can no longer feel his hands on me, and see that he’s gazing down at me, with a guarded look in his eyes, “Why did you stop?” I ask him, and watch as he takes a breath. He runs his finger gently across my cheek, with a look of sorrow filtering into his eyes. “Brandon?”

“
Because you’re crying,” he moves away and sits over on the edge of the bed. I wipe my face and look down at my hand.
Oh
. “I’m sorry, Holl's. When you said you were ready, I should have …”

“I am. I’m ready,
” I try to reassure him. I need him to do this so I won’t think of Neil every time he touches me. “Please?”

He stands and grabs his shirt from
off the floor by the window, “Holly, you looked scared. If you were ready then you wouldn’t have reacted in that way when I touched you.” He pulls on his shirt and begins to fasten it up, before raking his hands through his hair. “Listen, um …”

I jump off the bed and walk over to where he’s
standing, “Are you leaving?” His eyes are darting around the room, on anything and everything but me.

“Yeah, I
think I should,” he answers while shrugging his shoulders in defeat.

“Are you angry with me?” M
y voice cracks when I see how dull his eyes have become. Why can’t I block everything out of my mind? Why do I have to keep seeing Neil’s face?

He steps forward
and cups my chin in his hand, “Angry with you? No. No, Holl's. I’m not angry with you …” he presses a feather light kiss on my forehead and strokes his fingers through my hair. “I’m angry with myself.” He whispers and walks over to open my bedroom door. When he reaches for the handle, he turns around and smiles a sad smile. “Call me before you go to sleep.”

When he closes the door behind him, I grab my cell from the drawer that I threw it in earlier, and walk over to the window. Peeking through the small gap, I watch Brandon walk down the street and then look over to where Neil had been previously standing. Thankfully, it doesn’t look as though he decided to stick around.