Moonlight Murder: An Inept Witches Mystery (16 page)

“
Go to your room, Veruca,
”
Autumn said.

“
Meg,
”
the kid said.
“
I mean, if you had to go traditional why not Sage or Willow or Gwen?
”

“
Those are indeed valid points.
”
Emily said, nodding.
“
Saddling someone with Veruca or Branka is the type of life choice that leads to destruction and mayhem. Violence even.
”

“
You,
”
Autumn said,
“
Be quiet.
”
She pointed her finger at Emily in a classic I-am-about-to-jinx-you position.

“
Mom!
”

“
I wouldn
’
t,
”
Emily said mildly.
“
Hazel would make you pay so hard.
”

“
Veruca. Room.
”

Ingrid winked at Meg, who winked back.

“
I think, you know, with your kid here, we have you in an interesting position.
”
Emily
’
s threat was delivered coolly. They
’
d have never been able to get away with something like that without Hazel as Emily
’
s aunt and Hazel being a huge believer in things like keeping your marriage vows and not hexing your coven sisters.

Autumn looked at her daughter
’
s bedroom door and then back at the other two. Ingrid was pretty sure their faces were matching cat-who-ate-the-canary expressions.

“
I am not taking a potion that you made.
”

“
Please,
”
Ingrid said,
“
truth serums are completely out of our skill set. Saffron made that.
”

Autumn
’
s eyes narrowed, but she downed the potion.

“
The sky is gre
…
blue. I did not murder Sheldon Peters. You are the worst witches I have ever known, and I will fight Emily becoming a coven elder until my dying day.
”

“
Good news,
”
Emily said.
“
I have zero desire to be an elder. I
’
d rather be flamb
é
ed.
”

“
That is a real possibility, my favorite dove, given how often I
’
ve been setting things on fire lately. Hey,
”
Ingrid said,
“
your kid should come by the bookstore sometime. She
’
s downright tolerable.
”

“
Get out,
”
Autumn replied, reflexively glancing up the stairs to ensure her child hadn
’
t heard the invitation.

Ingrid made a mental note to look the kid up and personally invite her and the other one, too. Assuming the second one wasn
’
t awful.

“
Ta!
”
Emily stood and led the way.

“
Man, I hate her,
”
Ingrid said before they
’
d even left the kitchen.
“
She is a cold ass dove who needs to lighten up on her kid before Meg leaves witchcraft behind to become a biologist or joins the North Island Coven.
”

Meg was at the top of the stairs when they passed.

“
She
’
ll be all right, the kid I mean,
”
Emily said.
“
She
’
s got to get to college, and she
’
ll be fine. Until then, torturing your mom is a time honored way to bide your time. I
’
d suggest a rebellious boyfriend and possibly loud obnoxious music.
”

“
Get out of my house.
”
Autumn followed them as if they
’
d steal something. They
’
d only stolen from her
…
like twice. Maybe three times.

“
Remember,
”
Ingrid piped up brightly as they left,
“
Hazel will make you pay if you hex us.
”

Emily turned and walked down the path backwards as they left.
“
Also, Branka and Veruca are literally the worst names I have ever heard and that
’
s saying something considering Saffron is in our coven.
”

•••

“
Let
’
s go to the nail salon. Kimmie can give us gossip.
”

Emily nodded.
“
Okay. Since Autumn is completely ruled out, unfortunately, we have got to get to the bottom of this. I
’
m uncertain how much longer we want this to go on. You are a little too-edgy for me without Gabe in your life. And you know from the truth-shot wars that he loves you. So, it
’
s a matter of figuring this case out and putting it behind us that gets us back to our normal life. Except the haunted car part. I am over that. I need it to stop and stop now. Or I will beat the car to death with something. Or other.
”

Ingrid snorted as Emily
’
s rage petered out.

They walked into Kimmie
’
s shop and waved at their favorite source for information. Kimmie helped them solve Owen
’
s murder, and they hoped she
’
d do the same for them again. She didn
’
t even have to try. Her salon was the hotbed of gossip in Sage Island. It was practically the visitor
’
s center for the town.

They sat down in their favorite pedicure chairs after they picked out their nail colors.

Emily raised her eyebrows at Ingrid
’
s color selection.
“
Neon orange?
”

“
Shut the nosiness down, dovey. None of your damn business. But, since you asked, Gabe loves this color on my toes. It drives him crazy. I want to mess with him today. I
’
ve been sending him pictures of my sexy toes kind of a lot.
”

Emily looked outside at the gray skies and down at Ingrid
’
s slinky sandals.
“
You think your feet might get cold?
”

“
No colder than Gabe
’
s soul.
”

“
Oookay, then. Whatever you want, love. Also, please don
’
t make me tell you again to keep your private stuff private. Especially since Fireman Sam is clearly an interim boyfriend.
”

Ingrid changed the subject.
“
We need phones. Since Gabe has had ours since Seattle and they took yours after we left it here. We are phoneless. My fingers itch. I feel lost and alone. When I can
’
t sleep at night I have to find my iPad. But, I
’
d rather die than ask for my beloved back. So, when we finish here, we are getting phones.
”

Emily nodded,
“
Yes. I might get two. I can
’
t decide between the newest iPhone and the android. And I might not want to decide. Those kinds of decisions are for poor people to make.
”

Ingrid looked at her with judgey eyes.

Emily defended herself.
“
What? I
’
m going to buy 6 phones to donate to the poor and needy. That way I don
’
t feel bad for not being poor and needy.
”

Ingrid laughed.
“
Well, that
’
s generous of you. I
’
m sure the homeless people of Seattle will appreciate having an iPhone when they don
’
t have blankets or a bed.
”

“
Shut up, slut.
”

“
I wish. But you
’
re the Jezebel. Whore-dove.
”

Emily changed the subject.
“
We need to find a way to pin this murder on Tia the cheater. Even if Maria did it. Especially if Maria did it. She
’
s nice, and Sheldon probably deserved it. Tia should be punished just on principle for having such a hideous kitchen.
”

“
I totally agree, Em. Pea green kitchens should totally be punishable with life in prison.
”

Kimmie sat down just then and filled their foot baths.
“
What are you two up to today?
”

Emily dove right in to the gossip they were after.

“
Kimmie, we need some information. You know Sheldon Peters, Ingrid
’
s Ex? Remember he used to come around all the time when he was seeing Ingrid? And after Ingrid cut off his thumb with magic. Well, he died. Murdered.
”

Kimmie nodded.
“
I know. It was so awful. Poor Maria.
”

Emily winced before she said,
“
We think Maria might have done it. But we like her so much, we
’
d hate to see her punished for getting rid of an island nuisance. And we need to find a way to blame it on Tia. Because reasons.
”

Ingrid laughed.
“
Not really. We want the truth. We want to know who did it? But we can
’
t find Maria. Have you seen her?
”

Kimmie shook her head.
“
No, I haven
’
t. I don
’
t really see her as the murdering psychopath type though. She
’
s nice. She does things like make dinners for the poor and engineer toy drives for foster children.
”

Emily nodded.
“
That
’
s why we don
’
t want it to be her. Even if we think it might be her. Oh, hey, side note. Did you know that Autumn slept with Sheldon? Can you believe it? She slept with both mine and Ingrid
’
s exes.
”
She fake shivered.

Kimmie responded.
“
That
’
s not really surprising. If a man is likely to cheat on his partner, he
’
s slept with Autumn already. She slept with my ex. She slept with my sister
’
s ex. I don
’
t understand it. I mean
…
I
’
m hot. My sister is hot. But Autumn is fleshy and cold, and she has snake eyes.
”

Emily chimed in.
“
Does that mean that technically you and I have slept together, by like association or something?
”

Ingrid choked.
“
Stop. That would mean we
’
ve all slept together by association. Ugh. No. Don
’
t be disgusting. You are my favorite dove ever, but I
’
m not into you in that way. Also, I didn
’
t sleep with Sheldon. He came into my room while I was sleeping, and he lost his thumb. Afterwards, he avoided me. Speaking of whiners.
”

“
Whatever,
”
Emily said.
“
Quit going commando then, freak.
”

Kimmie laughed.

Ingrid ignored Emily and focused back on Kimmie.
“
So, you got anything that might help us?
”

Kimmie shook her head.
“
Not really. Sorry I can
’
t be of more help. But I did hear Tia mention one time that her husband, the cop, was violent sometimes. Maybe he had something to do with it?
”

Ingrid shook her head.
“
Nah, I don
’
t think so. We truth-serumed him. I
’
m 99% certain he didn
’
t do it.
”