More Than This: Contemporary Christian Romance Novel (32 page)

Her head was down now, her gaze on the darkness at their feet. “It’s nothing.”

“No. It’s not nothing.” Now she was scaring him. Carefully he took her hand and led her over to the little step where he sat down and pulled her down too. He put his arm around her and sat for a moment trying to figure out what to do or say next. He’d never been good in these kinds of situations— whether for lack of talent or practice, he didn’t know. But he had to say something. “Look, Liz, whatever it is...”

She sniffed loudly, and eyes closed, she picked her head up to face him. When she opened her eyes, he saw only anguish there. “I have to tell you something.”

Serious had never felt like this. “Okay.”

Liz said the words in her brain again. They had been rolling around there for months now, over and over again as she fought to find a way to say them to him, to herself, to admit what she had done, what she had let herself become, what she had done to them before he had ever even walked into her life. It wouldn’t be easy, and once it was done, she knew he would surely walk out the door forever. But he deserved to know the truth. The whole, rotten, awful truth. He deserved that much even though she was pretty sure she already knew what came after it.

“You know that I love you,” she said, the words barely made it from her lips, and every one stabbed at her heart. “And I want you to know I never meant for it to go this far. I never meant... I wanted to tell you, but I just didn’t know how...”

“Liz.” Worry cascaded from his eyes. “What is it? Tell me.”

She took a small breath that dredged up some tears, but she stuffed them back down. Self-pity was stupid at this point. She’d done this, and it was time to own up to it. “You know about the whole church thing.”

He looked surprised but no less worried. “Yeah?”

“Well, um, I wasn’t always like that. I mean I was back home, before I left, but when I first came here...” This was harder than she had even thought and that was saying something. She’d never said any of this out loud before though her heart had said it a million times over the years. “Well, when I first got here, I didn’t want to be miss goody-goody anymore. So I let go of all of that. I let go of God, of trying to be good, of doing what was right. I started partying... a lot. I got drunk most Fridays and stayed that way until Sunday.” She swallowed the lump and tears down and kept going because it was far too late to turn back now. “Then I met this guy. Cole. We hung out at a couple parties together, and I thought he was really into me. I mean... I don’t know. I want to say he led me on, but it was pretty much mutual. We started sleeping together. He said he loved me. Maybe he did. I don’t know.

“I was so strung out, I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t.” She stopped for a breath but didn’t look at him. If she did, she’d never get through this. Gaze glued to the carpet, she exhaled and pushed the words from her soul. “Two years ago next Tuesday I found out I was pregnant.”

Jake’s reaction was muted but visible.

Liz shook her head to keep the tears back, but they beat their way forward just the same. “I didn’t want a baby. I was in school. I didn’t have time for that.” This breath was harder to take and raked up far more pain. She closed her eyes, willing more words to come even as she pounded the memories back. “Cole said he’d pay for the abortion. He said it was no big deal.” The unshed tears stung every part of her at once, and breathing them down was becoming more impossible by the second. “I knew it was wrong. I really did, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

When she glanced up at Jake, his eyes were hard, and she knew she’d just killed the second best thing to ever happen to her. That thought went through her, knifing into her heart like a dagger. But there was no need to sugar-coat any of the rest of it. Jake knew what she was now. All that was left was the final stab to finish it off. “I don’t remember much of it. They gave me these drugs… After it was all over, I went home. I’d always heard it was no big deal, you know? I mean, do it, get it over with, and go on with life. But it wasn’t like that. I started bleeding real bad. Mia knew... kind of... about Cole and stuff, but I hadn’t told her everything because I knew what she would say. But when it got really bad, I finally had to call her. I couldn’t think of what else to do— who else to call. I didn’t really even know anyone else. She came over and took me to the ER, and they finally got the bleeding to stop.”

Numbness took over then because the emotions that went with the rest of the story were still too difficult to feel. “They told me there was a lot of damage, that I was lucky to be alive...” The next words were there, but she couldn’t say them out loud. Sobs choked her, ripping up from the deepest part of her soul. How could she have been so stupid? How could she ever have believed it was no big deal? How could she have trusted that snake in the grass? She hated him now almost as much as she hated herself. “And then they told me that...” The breaths were hard and raspy. The tears jerked and yanked at her, rocking her back and forth as she fought to say the words she’d never before said out loud. How could she say them? They confirmed she had no future, that her past had doomed anything good before it started.

“Shhh.” His arms were around her now. How they got there or when, she had no clue. But they were rubbing across her back as if he could somehow make it all go away. “Shhh. It’s okay.”

However, she knew better. It wasn’t okay, and it never would be. This was her reality now, and it was going nowhere. After several long moments, she collected her scattering self again and sat up and away from him, swiping at her eyes that continued to overflow despite her best efforts to stop them. She sniffed once hard and shook her head, vowing to say the words even if they killed her. “They told me that...” One more long slow breath. “Because of it, I can’t ever have children.”

“Oh, Liz.” His words were like a breath, and he shook his head. “Oh, sweetheart.”

She had tried to be strong, wanted to be, but the pain was too much. It bent her over and collapsed her into his arms as the sobs took over her sanity again.

“Shhhh. It’s okay,” he said softly.

But she shook her head. “No. It’s not. I was so stupid. They said it was no big deal, and I believed them. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was, and I did it anyway.”

“You were young, and you were scared.”

“It doesn’t matter. I messed up, and I can’t undo it now. I can’t take it back. There’s no do-overs in this.”

“Listen to me.” He took her shoulders and shook her gently. “You made a rotten decision, but nobody’s perfect.”

“Don’t you get it? I
killed
my baby. I did. And now I’m going to pay for that for the rest of my life.”

Concerned anguish washed across his face. “I’m not saying it was right. I’m saying I understand why you did it. It was a mistake, a horrible mistake.”

“But it’s not just me. If it was just me, okay, whatever, but now this is about you too.” Anguish threatened to drown her. “Don’t you get it, Jake? We can’t have kids.
We
can’t. As in... ever.”

He let out a breath and closed his eyes as her pain slashed through him. “I’m not going to say I’m not disappointed because I am, but what I know is that person... the person who did that wasn’t you. It wasn’t who you are now. It wasn’t the woman I fell in love with.”

“But it is me. She is me. I did that.
I
did! I killed my child! I did!” She put her hand on her head, stringing her fingers through her hair and yanking when it didn’t come free. “And I can never undo what I did.”

“Liz, sweetheart, listen to me. You’re beating yourself up for this, but that’s not going to help anything. What’s done is done. You can’t go back now. Okay, look, I’ll admit I don’t know a whole lot about God, but one thing I have learned is He can do things with our lives that we can’t even dream of doing. He can show us how to get out of complete yuck if we let Him.”

“No.” She sniffed hard. “He doesn’t want to help me with this. Not this.”

Jake’s hand rubbed across her back. “I think He does. I think that’s exactly what He wants to do, and do you know how I know that?”

She sniffed softly and let her gaze slide to his. “How?”

“Because.” He backed away from her then and reached into the pocket of his jeans. When he came back to fully seated, his fingers held something up between them. “You just told me a great reason to run for the hills, but nothing in me wants to do that. Nothing. You’re not perfect. I know that. I get that. But I love you anyway. And I want to marry you if you’ll have me.”

The pain slipped away back into the numbness in her heart, and she looked at him and shook her head. “Jake...” Closing her eyes, she knew he was only being the kind man she’d grown to so love. He didn’t mean it, or he wouldn’t when he’d had more than three seconds to think about it. She couldn’t let him throw his life away on trash like her.

“Don’t say, no, Liz. Please. Don’t. Okay. We’re stronger than this. You and me. Together. We can get through this. I know we can. I need you. I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to do this without you. Please say you’ll marry me.”

Her gaze lifted from the ring up to his. She wanted to believe him, to believe that love was enough, but she knew better. Love didn’t last, and her love couldn’t be trusted. “No, Jake. I can’t let you throw your life away like that. Don’t you see? I’m damaged goods. I’m broken, and the pieces just don’t fit back together like they used to. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I should have. I just couldn’t...”

A moment and his face went hard. “You know, when I was like that, all ‘I’m broken and unfixable,’ you didn’t take that line from me, so why should I take it from you now?”

His words were like punches, and she closed her eyes to block them. “Because that was different.” When she opened them again, her gaze pleaded with his confused and angry one.

“Different how? Why was it different?”

“Because, Jake, you didn’t choose to be broken. It’s how you were made. You’re just doing the best you can with what’s been handed to you.”

“The best I can?” He looked like he’d been physically hit, and his face grew even harder. “You think that’s what I’m doing?”

Horror crashed over her. The last thing she wanted was to hurt him now. “No, Jake. That’s not what I meant. Please.”

A moment and his gaze fell from hers. “Okay. I get it.” He stood, then, towering over her on the steps. “I know what you meant. I really do.” Then, right next to her on the step, he laid the ring. “The offer stands, but it’s your choice.” And with that, he took the next step down, grabbed his coat, and departed. Ache clawed through Liz, ripping up sobs that had been held down so long it wasn’t clear there would even be a bottom to them.

She wanted to call out to him, to stop him from leaving, but she knew it was better like this. It was better for him if he walked away and kept walking while walking away was still an option. Still, when he was gone, she buried her face in her hands and let the overwhelming anguish take her. That had to top the charts for the absolute worst answer anyone ever gave to someone popping the question. How could she have hurt him like that? And why would he ask her now? Why after he knew? Why couldn’t he just let it go, let her go? Any sane person would have. Finally he knew the truth, the whole, plain awful truth. Why would he even consider asking her after that? With a frustrated breath, she picked up the ring and looked at it.

As painful as that was, her answer was no. Not because she wanted it to be but because it had to be— for her sake but more for his. With that, she sniffed once, yanked herself up, put the ring in her pocket, and stalked back to her studies. It was the only thing that made any sense anymore.

Sleep didn’t come easily or quickly although he should have been exhausted. Jake lay in the darkness laced only by the thin streams of the streetlights through the blinds. His heart turned over every time he thought about what she’d been through. He didn’t blame her for being angry or even for how scared she was now. No. He didn’t even blame her for the horrendous choice that had led them here. The fact that she was so obviously torn up about it was enough for him. She wasn’t that person at least now, if she ever had been.

He rolled over and balled the pillow up under his chest before looking at the clock. 2:42. He’d have to be up in less than 3 hours. Rolling back over, he stared at the ceiling and thought about the paradox of being broken. It wasn’t hard to see that the pieces inside him would never go back together like they had or would have if he had never gone through all the heartache, but did that mean he was now irredeemable? Yes, there was a point when he felt that way, but she...

She had shown him that maybe he wasn’t, that maybe all of the heartache could be used for something good, something righteous, holy even. He couldn’t explain that any more than he could explain Heaven, but he felt it just the same. He only wished he could do the same for her, that he could give her the same hope she had given him.

However, the look in her eyes, the one that said she had long ago given up on herself chilled him to the bone. It was not evil. It was cold and numb and hopeless, and she wanted to keep him from where she was. Jake thought about that, about how she had pushed him away, rejected the love he so wanted to give her. Then his thoughts traveled further back through their relationship, ducking and weaving through moments he hadn’t even bothered to remember prior to that moment.