More Than This: Contemporary Christian Romance Novel (33 page)

She had been there for him, in big moments and small. She had held him and helped him pick up the pieces of his life. She had even pushed him to try to find an answer as to how to get those pieces back together, but not once, not a single time had their relationship been about her. It was always about how she could help him. He traced backward and forward, over Thanksgiving and at the coffee shop. Had he ever really thought to be there for her? She was so obviously hurting. How had he missed that?

It wasn’t like he didn’t care. It was more that he hadn’t cared enough to ask, to find out where her secrets were kept and how they made her who she now was.

Then his mind slipped to another face. Mia. He heaved the sigh. No wonder Mia was so protective, no wonder she hated him on-sight. She had watched as her friend was shattered by a guy, a low-life creep, if anyone cared to ask Jake’s opinion of the scumbag. But Mia, wonderful Mia, had walked with Liz through it all. He let out a long breath. He owed the woman an apology and a hug. At least.

And right there, he vowed he would do just that when he went to The Grind tomorrow night to see Liz. After all, he was going. He wasn’t about to let the best thing in his life just shut him out of hers so easily.

“No. No,” Liz said the next afternoon over the stack of books spread on her dining room table. “I’m fine, Mia. Really. I am. I’m just swamped with studying, that’s all. Yes. I’ll be back tomorrow and the rest of the week. It’s just...” She listened to her friend’s diatribe about the short notice and the general problem of her leaving at all. “I know.”

Mia continued as if Liz had said nothing.

“I. Know. Mia. I will. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Good-bye.” And she hung up. It was all she could do to keep her head up. After spending most of the night before crying and the other part studying, it was a miracle she’d even made it to class for her finals earlier. Going to The Grind was just too much.

Besides, to spend the whole night looking at that empty table... There were just some things even she couldn’t make herself do. And that was definitely one of them.

“She’s not here.” Mia came through the doors from the back of The Grind, stopped, and with one look withered Jake into terrified silence.

He fought through the crushing worry and the you-should-be-cinders look. “What do you mean she’s not here? Where is she?”

Mia came all the way out with the tray of cups in hand. She walked right to the counter in front of him where she set the tray down and splayed her hands on the countertop. “I don’t know, Jake. Why don’t you tell me where she is? She called here earlier, fifteen minutes late from when she was supposed to show up, and she sounded like Satan had just run over her with a truck and then backed up to finish the job.”

The news and the accusation went through him like a knife.

Somewhere between fury and tears, Mia looked at him and shook her head with a scowl. “So what’s going on with the two of you? Did you dump her now or what?”

That cut even deeper. “No. I didn’t dump her. Why in the world would I do that?” He checked his anger, his tone, and his volume when customers looked their direction. “The truth is, I asked her to marry me, and she said yes.” Then reality jumped into his chest. “Well, she kind of said yes. Then she said no. And then... well, things kind of got confusing after that.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet.” Mia’s face was ricocheting from concern to anger and back again.

He wanted to scream at her, to demand she at least give him a chance, something, but the anger and concern in his chest were making rational thought very difficult. Finally he looked right at her and held her gaze with more strength than even he knew he possessed. “Look. She told me. Last night. She told me all of it.” He glanced around and lowered his voice. “About the abortion and everything.”

That dragged the anger right out of Mia’s eyes, replacing it with surprise. “She told you?”

“Yeah, she did. And then she freaked out on me and said she couldn’t marry me because of it.” He shook his head and let out a breath. “Look, I’ve gotta be honest with you here. I want to help her, but I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help. I don’t know what to say. It’s like she’s hell-bent on ruining the rest of her life because of this.”

Mia looked like she was chewing something she’d rather spit out. Then finally she sighed and looked across the restaurant. “Do you have a minute so we can talk?”

What kind of question was that? He had meant to thank her, but he hadn’t counted on being taken out point blank without even being given the chance. Now he wasn’t sure what to do. Finally he shrugged. “Sure. I guess so.”             

Without another word, she crossed past the counter and where he stood, went over to a booth where she sat down and waited for him to join her. Jake had the feeling of reaching into a bear trap with his bare hand, but his concern for Liz far outweighed his need for self-preservation. He sat down and drilled his gaze into Mia, praying she had some answer for him and that she wouldn’t just shoot him down for good.

After a long moment he wondered if he was supposed to be the one to start because she said absolutely nothing. Then suddenly she jerked her gaze up to his, a move which pushed him backward.

“I know she told you,” Mia started, her tone angry and bitter but trying not to be, “but I’m guessing she didn’t tell you what that jerk did to her.”

Jake held his ground, determined not to run though that’s what his whole being was screaming at him to do. “I’m listening.”

“Well, you didn’t hear this from me, and if she knew I told you, well...” Mia let out a sigh. “She’d only been here a few months before it all went down, but she was a good kid. Went to church, made good grades. An all-around good kid. And then she started hanging out with some low life scum-suckers, and she started to change. It wasn’t big at first, but then she started skipping work, just here and there, but enough to nearly get her canned. I went to bat for her and told her she’d better get her act straightened out.”

This breath was long, slow, and sad. “Then one night I found her crying in the back curled up in the corner. I knew then that something was bad wrong, but even I wasn’t prepared for the news. She told me she thought she was pregnant, and she was real scared about telling her parents and him. I think she already knew what he would say.” Mia shook her head slowly. “Things pretty much went crashing off a cliff after that. He told her he’d pay for the abortion. Jerk. He acted like it was no big deal. Nearly killed Liz though. She didn’t want to. I know she didn’t, but he told her it was the kid or him. I’m telling you, he was a real class-A jerk that guy. I tried to tell her he was jerking her around, that he’d probably be gone no matter what she did, but she wouldn’t listen to me. She just
knew
he loved her, and if she did this for him, he would stay. The next thing I know I get a call in the middle of the night.”

Mia swallowed hard and closed her eyes. “I told her to call 911, but she wouldn’t do it. She just kept saying, ‘Help me, Mia. Help.’” The sniff almost wasn’t except that it was, and Mia brushed it away. “Somehow we got her to the emergency room in time, but by then the jerk was nowhere to be found. He just dumped her off at her apartment and disappeared. I don’t even think she ever saw him again. If she did, she sure never told me about it. He just left her there like that, bleeding to death. To this day, if I could get my hands on him...”

The words stopped, and her gaze slid to the table and held there. “She was never the same after that. It was like she just shut down, from who she was, from life, you know? Like she wouldn’t let anyone in.” Then she picked her gaze up and met his. “Until you showed up that is.”

The mantel of the responsibility of those words settled on his shoulders, and he wasn’t sure he could carry it.

“I know I treated you like pond scum before, but the truth is, I didn’t want to see her hurt again. She nearly didn’t make it back the last time.”

Once again, Jake wondered where Liz was now. Was she alone? Probably. He felt how alone she was, how cold, how sad. He wanted to go to her, to wrap her in his arms and never let go. “Thanks, Mia.” Sincerity cloaked his words and his gaze. “For being there for Liz and for being honest with me.” He thought through the next question. “Do you think she can make it back? Do you think she can get through this?”

Mia sat motionless. “I’d like to tell you yes, but sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you want it to.”

The customers were getting restless, and Mia glanced over at them. She didn’t move, however. “Look, I honestly don’t know if Liz will ever let anyone in again, but if you’re serious, you’re gonna have to decide if you’re in or out, no halfway, or you might as well split her down the middle and be done with it.” She stood then, pushing out of the booth. “She needs you, Jake. She needs you to be the guy who never lets her down, the guy who will be there with her no matter what. The question is, are you that guy or not?”

He nodded, his gaze on the table. A moment more and she was gone. He picked his gaze up and followed her across the expanse to the next table. His thoughts spun through her words. Was he that guy? Could he be counted on no matter what? Could he be the guy who never let her down no matter what it cost him? His heart tugged back and forth, wanting to be that but not at all sure he had it in him.

How long he sat there, he didn’t know, but finally he dragged himself up and stalked out. Mia was right. Liz needed someone with staying power, someone who wouldn’t back down when the going got rough. The problem was, he’d never been that guy before. What, other than his sincere desire to be, made him think he could be him now?

The explosion rocked everything as glass, fire and debris knocked Jasmine backward, away from the window where she had been watching for her contact. She had known something was wrong. Felt the watching eyes. She’d been feeling them, ever present, for days. Yet she had continued on her mission, doggedly pursuing the answers that eluded her. Praying she would stop the evil before it caught up to her. Now it finally had.

Jake sat straight up in bed. His breaths came in gasps. Searching through the shadowy darkness, trying to make sense of the vision that had seemed so very, very real, he sat there for a moment and then lay back down slowly. However, the vision didn’t leave as it had so many times before. Instead it hovered there, just in front of him, whether in his mind or in his spirit or both, he couldn’t tell.

It was Jasmine. Down in the coffee shop. Bleeding. Broken. Crumpled against the booth, and no longer moving as the evil that had sought her destruction closed in.

He watched in growing terror, willing her to get up, to whip out her gun to defend herself, to run. Something. Anything. Why wasn’t she moving?

“Jazz, get up.” The words strangled from him. It was strange thing to say, he knew even as he said it, but he couldn’t help it. She was going to die if she didn’t move. “Get up already!”

Somewhere deep in his spirit, he began to plead with someone he had never even seen, never knew was there.
Help her! Please! You’ve got to help her!

Then through the smoke stepped a figure he had never before seen in any of the dreams he’d ever had of Jasmine, and he recoiled at the sight. The figure gave no outward indication of his intention in the situation, but his movements were swift and sure. With only one glance back, he stepped over to Jasmine’s crumpled body and bent down to her. “Stay with me, girl,” he breathed. “I’ll get you out of here.”

And with that, he scooped her up into his arms and strode through the mayhem around them. Jake could not move, not even a single muscle. He was hardly even breathing. In fact, he dared not, lest he break the vision and be left with more questions than he had answers. Suddenly it all shifted as if tilting off-center and then righting itself again. He was in a hospital room watching Jasmine in the bed. She was pale and not really conscious, but blessedly he knew she was alive.

Next to her, sat the figure he’d seen in the smoke, but all he could see was the man’s back. It was a man, but more than that, he could not say. He held his breath so as not to alert them to his presence. Then as if a vision herself, Jasmine stirred and then opened her eyes. Worry knifed through them when she saw the man, and she pulled to the side away from him.

“No, Jazz,” the figure said, reaching for her. “It’s okay. It’s me. Sam.”

“Sam?” she asked, the haze and pain making her voice hollow and tired. “I don’t know any Sam.”

“Well, that much is true I guess,” he said with a soft laugh. “You don’t know me, but I do know you.”

Panic and concern flooded her face. “What? How?”

“Because I’ve been following you, protecting you, trying to make sure you didn’t end up here.” The figure glanced around. “Guess I didn’t do too good of a job this time.”

“What? But how...? Why...?”

“You are a very important piece of the Team, Jazz. We couldn’t have you out there fighting alone, now could we?”

“I don’t... I don’t understand.”

“Every agent is given two things. A mission and a partner. However, sometimes they are only told about the mission, not the partner. You were one of those agents.”

She blinked, searching his face for verification of what he was telling her. “But I don’t understand. Why would I have a partner and not be told?”

“Because you seemed to work so well on your own.”

Her breath slid out in a half-laugh. “Okay. So why are you here then?”

“I’ve always been here. With you. Watching. In case you ever needed me.”

Jake watched as Jasmine’s face crumpled in thought. He knew what she was thinking— of all the close calls, all those moments of fear and believing she was alone in the fight, of the loneliness and the worry, of trying to defend herself with no help from anyone.

“
If
I needed you?” she asked as anger punched to the surface. “How could you think I didn’t need you? How could you think I could do it alone? I didn’t want to do it
alone
. In fact, I did it scared out of my mind most of the time, thinking the next thing was going to take me out, that I wouldn’t survive it, that I wasn’t strong enough to keep going, that what was the point, that I could
die
and no one would even notice.”

Inside him, Jake’s heart broke for her because though he had witnessed all of it, he had never so much as considered the terror she must be feeling in those moments. He had thought her invincible, indestructible. A robot even with no feelings that could ever be hurt. He had thought her to be made of emotional steel— hard, unbreakable, unbendable even. And now, as he watched, he saw the tears glistening in her eyes, and he realized how very wrong he had been.

“All I ever wanted was to make a difference,” she said, gulping the words past the tears. “All I ever wanted was for something I did to count, to matter. Even if I didn’t win it all for good, I wanted to fight for good, but it’s been so hard. So lonely. I’ve spent so many nights in the dark, questioning the mission, questioning if I was strong enough to see it through no matter what...”

“And you did,” the figure said eagerly. “You did. You met every challenge. You outsmarted every opponent.”

But she turned sad, distraught eyes on him. “But I did it alone. I did it so scared. Don’t you see? I wanted someone to hold my hand, to be there with me, to hold me, to let me know that even when I failed, even when I fall, it’s going to be okay.”

“But you didn’t quit.”

“No because the mission was too important. The enemy would have taken out more of the innocents if I had let him, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t scared. It doesn’t mean I thought I was equal to the task, that I didn’t need someone to hold onto when it all got to be too much. Every time I went out there, I did it not because I thought I could but because I knew I had to.”

“You’re a good agent, Jazz. You always have been.”

“But I’m still human. I still get scared and hurt and lonely. I still need someone here, with me, to remind me that what I’m doing matters, that I’m not just a waste of time, space, and air.”

The figure breathed softly. “Jasmine, I never knew any of this. You always looked so strong.”

“What was my other choice?”

Then the figure bowed his head, and Jake wanted to knock it off his shoulders for leaving Jasmine to the wolves. She was right, after all, she really could have used his help. Maybe together they could have stopped the enemy, maybe together they could have made an even bigger difference, maybe together she wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed injured.

“I’m so sorry, Jasmine,” the figure bent over the hand that he held said. “I’m so sorry. I never knew. Please forgive me. I thought you were better off without me. I thought I would just hold you back, that you wouldn’t accept me, that you didn’t need me, that I would be far more of a hindrance to you than a help.”

Her eyes softened as she looked at his bowed head and sighed. “So you took yourself out of the game without even giving us a chance?” She blinked twice slowly as if thinking all the way through her next statement. “Look, out there in the fight, you’re going to mess up. It’s just going to happen. And even together, we won’t get everything right. We might get everything wrong, but together would be so much better than trying to do this alone. It really would. I need you. I’ve needed you. Don’t you see that? I need you, Sam.”

The figure’s head jerked up and he breathed a laugh. “Well, if we’re going to do this, then you should probably know my name isn’t really Sam. SAM is just my call sign.”

“O... kay.” She suddenly looked distrustful again. Her hand shook under his.

“SAM stands for Special Agent... McCoy.”

Jake’s breath snagged, and he jerked upward. The vision was swept from his mind with one snap.
McCoy?
He was the special agent? What? That couldn’t be right! He was Jasmine’s partner? Sent to protect her, to work with her, to watch over her, and to fight evil and stand up to the enemy for and with her? But how could that be? His eyes searched the darkness in front of him as he swallowed, trying to get any of it to process through his mind and heart. Then he saw it. Clearly. For the first time. Yes. Now that he thought about it, that figure had looked familiar though he’d never actually seen its face. The watching eyes. The unseen something that was always present but more than a feeling than a reality. It had been him the whole time.

Then a pressing began to ache in his spirit. There was more to the dream, to the vision, to the whatever it had been. There was more to it than the words and the images destined for some dime store thriller novel. His spirit searched, willing Jasmine to come back and explain it to him. Suddenly other words from a different world floated up into his consciousness.
“She needs you, Jake. She needs you to be the guy who never lets her down, the guy who will be there with her no matter what.”

Panic split through his spirit as it careened through all of it. Jasmine lying there, pale and hurt. Liz lying in a hospital bed all alone. He swallowed hard.

“SAM. Special Agent McCoy.”

What had he done? She had looked so strong, like nothing could touch her. He had followed her onto the battlefield of his life, fully believing in her ability to see
him
through it all, never realizing she might need him as well. “Oh, Liz. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

With no more thought than that, he stumbled from the bed, not really conscious of where he was going or how he would get there, but he knew he couldn’t leave her alone for even one more moment. She would no longer face the evil alone. He would stand by her side and fight with her, but more than that, she would never again, even for a second, ever have to wonder if she had a partner in this fight.

Why couldn’t she just put the past behind her and forget it all? It had felt so very easy for all these years. Now it simply wouldn’t leave her alone. Every nightmare. Every image. They were all right there, clawing at her spirit. Every time Liz closed her eyes, all of the images she had buried in her heart so long before were right there to remind her. The night she had found out about the baby. Telling Cole. Breaking down in the back when she’d thought Mia had long since gone home.

She remembered the helplessness, the fear. Knowing she had let her parents down. What would they say, how they would react? She couldn’t tell them, couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in their eyes. She had never felt more alone than at that moment. Until the whole world crashed down around her less than a week later.

The darkness of that apartment as she lay on the floor of the bathroom trying to think of what to do, who she could call, who would come, who even cared anymore. Strangely, even now she could feel the cold tile under her scathing body as she fought for consciousness and against the sleep that would not let her go.

Then the images got blurrier, more indistinct, and much more frightening. Mia’s panicked voice. The ride to the hospital. The lights. The sounds. Waking up to see only blue and white and knowing she had surely died.

Breath slid from her lungs as more images vied for her attention— the doctor and those horrible words. Going back to her apartment and cleaning up the blood. Knowing how close she had come and almost wishing she hadn’t come back. The utter numbness that had invaded her spirit, taken up residence, and never really departed from that moment to this. It was somewhere in the middle of those thoughts that she first heard the noise, and her spirit froze. Had Becca come back? She hadn’t seen or heard from her roommate in almost a month. No. It couldn’t be Becca. But who?

Moving just slowly enough for actual motion, Liz reached up and swiped at her tears, preparing just in case. There it was again. It sounded like... a knock. Fear reached up and gripped her chest. She twisted and looked at the clock. 3:32. No. She had to be mistaken. No one would be out there at this hour. Or it was for someone else. Someone across the hall or next door. The tears were dry now. Fear had taken over.

With her whole spirit fused to any and every sound at the front door, she heard it again, and she knew she wasn’t imagining things. It was a knock, and it was on her door. Her thoughts jerked around her apartment. She was all alone. If someone broke in, they would have their run of the place and her. Shaking invaded her body, and she thought through who she could call. Calling Mia was out of the question. She could never get here in time. Becca was probably long gone. 911 would think her a hysterical lunatic if it turned out to be her imagination. Then she thought of one more name. Jake.

She squeezed her eyes closed, knowing how ridiculous she was being. Jake wouldn’t come. He didn’t even care anymore, and she didn’t blame him.

The knock sounded again, and realizing that her other option was to have the neighbors on her doorstep— or the cops— she slid from the bed and grabbed her robe.
Oh, God, please help me. Please.