Mosaic (8 page)

We were quiet a few moments, and I glanced around wondering for a half-second what Brad and Jack might be doing.

Rachel’s voice brought me back. “What does Julian think about it?”

That question made me feel like I
would
cry, and my voice cracked when I answered her. “He wants me to go for it.”

Our eyes met, and never in our entire relationship had I been more thankful to have her as a friend. Understanding radiated from her to me, and I felt my nose warm.

“I seriously might cry right now.” I managed to say through a sniff.

“Don’t you dare, or I’ll cry, too.”

For whatever reason, that made me laugh, and soon we were both laughing. I blinked down, and a tear did drop onto my cheek.

Brad walked up then, and he frowned as he quickly looked from one of us to the other. “What’d I miss?”

I sniffed again and shook my head, wiping my cheek fast. Rachel answered him. “I know you just got here, but we’re wiped. Can we jet please?”

“Sure.” I heard the smile in his voice and slid to the edge of the booth when I saw Rachel doing the same.

After I stood, she wrapped an arm across my shoulders. “I’m sorry to be losing such a great roommate.”

I caught her hand as we walked. “See? That’s another strike against the whole thing.”

“What whole thing?” Brad held the door as the two of us went through it.

“Not only is Anna queen of the nerds with her amazing scholarship,” Rachel started. “She’s now been invited to spend her junior year interning at the BBC.”

Brad’s eyebrows pulled together. “BBC? You mean as in—”

“Right-o, old chap.” Rachel did a pretty decent British accent. “In jolly ole England. She’ll be across the pond and whatnot.”

“I haven’t said I’d take it. I haven’t even told my parents yet.” I shoved my hands in my pockets as Brad pulled Rachel into his side. “For all I know, I might not even get accepted.”

“Oh, please.” Rachel groaned. “Dr. Arati wouldn’t have told you to apply if she didn’t think you could get in.”

Brad only nodded as we approached his car. “Want me to drive you to the duplex?”

“That’d be great.”

Rachel cranked up the radio, and the topic was dropped as we drove the few blocks to our place. Once there I told everybody goodnight and hopped out. They waited for me to get inside before driving away, and I collapsed on the couch. Grabbing my phone, I quickly punched in a text to Julian.

Miss you so much tonight, I almost cried on Rachel.

It only took a second for him to reply.
Don’t cry. What are you wearing?

That made me laugh. I glanced down at my outfit and my lip curled.
Old jeans, chucks, long-sleeved tee.

I love casual Anna. Makes me want to slide my hands under that tee and over your stomach.

A little tingle followed the imaginary trail of his touch, followed by the sadness—and that dry ache at the base of my throat.
I might cry for real now. Want you here so much.

We’ll be together again soon. I love you.

What are you doing?

Something to replace the watercolor on your wall when I have it.

I imagined him painting, and it was almost more than I could bear. How in the world could I go to London when this separation hurt so much?

Send me a pict?
I texted back.

It’s a surprise. I’ll show you next visit.

I want to kiss you.

When you close your eyes tonight, feel my lips on yours. Know I’m doing the same—dreaming of your little-flower scent…

It’s called Happy, but it’s not working. Still sad.

Soon, Sunshine.

I love you.

Sweet dreams of us together.

I kissed my phone and rolled onto my back to stare at the ceiling. Thinking back over the night, I realized Jack didn’t return to the table with Brad. I wasn’t sure where he went or if I even wanted to know.

Rachel had said exactly what Will did—what his dad denied and Lucy feared. Maybe Jack was in trouble, but for now, that wasn’t my concern. At least he didn’t get in a fight.

London was pressing on me hard. I knew Rachel was right—I knew Julian was right. I couldn’t ignore this opportunity, but I still didn’t want to think about it. It was the same painful pressure I felt last spring when my scholarship letter from Loyola arrived. I needed time to process it for myself first and decide how I felt.

The truth was, once again what I wanted and what I loved were in opposite directions from each other, and it was tearing me apart. Why did what was “good” for me always take me away from what I loved most?

My head hurt from thinking about it and from the stress of tonight. More than anything I wished for Julian’s arms. If we’d gotten together six months earlier, would any of this even be happening? Would I be facing this “opportunity of a lifetime”?

Sliding doors and playing “what ifs” about roads not taken would only drive me crazy. What I needed was a break, space to think.

I needed to talk to Gabi.

Anna’s Private Blog: Desert Regrouping

Fall break was just around the corner, and I ended up spending the long weekend in Tucson with Gabi. I really wanted to be with Julian in Savannah, but when I called, he actually encouraged me to go.

“This architecture project is killing me,” he complained. “I’ve really got to focus on it.”

“This London thing is killing me.” I pushed my hand in my hair, not wanting to think about it. Still it dominated my thoughts. “What if I just came and watched you work. I promise, I won’t say a word.”

“Then I’d look up and see that cute face, and I’d be all ‘screw architecture.’” His warm voice made my insides tingle, and I returned the smile I heard there. “I knew I’d have a little learning curve when I switched majors, but man. It’s a good thing I’m better at math than you.”

“Hey!” My voice rose as I flipped onto my stomach. “I was a Mathlete
and
your algebra tutor!”

“And then you threw it all away to follow your dream of being a journalist.”

“Hmm…” It seemed like my dream kept messing up my life. “Maybe I was too hasty in that decision.”

“Take it one step at a time, Sunshine. We’ll get through this.” I could tell he was working and only half-listening.

When I closed my eyes, I could see his face, that expression he got when he was focused on a project. I now knew it made him look exactly like his dad, and I wondered how Ms. LaSalle could bear it all those years, separated from the man she loved. How did she not completely fall apart?

“I miss you so bad it hurts. I want to spend the break with you.” It was very possible I was pouting.

“I miss your beautiful green eyes.”

“Hazel,” I corrected.

“No, it’s
Julian
. I’ve told you this a hundred times. How can I trust you when you never get my name right?”

That made me laugh, and I sat up shaking my head. “So you’ll just be doing architecture all break?”

“Pretty much.” It sounded like he was lifting something. “When I’m not painting.”

“I love that you’re still painting.”

“I’m painting what I love. It’s different.”

A huge sigh pushed through my lips. “Well, then I’m going to see Gabi. I’ve got just enough time to get a cheap ticket, and I’ve saved up my library money.”

“Sexy nerd. I think that’s a great idea. Gabi always cheers you up. Just don’t forget to come back.”

“No worries there. I’m counting down to Thanksgiving break.”

“We’ll be together every day.”

“Goodnight, Julian.”

“’Night, Hazel.”

I smiled and hit End.

* * *

Gabi’s fall break didn’t exactly coincide with mine. I arrived on Thursday night, and she was in school all day Friday. Still, we had all day Saturday and half a day Sunday to talk it out.

Being with her was just what I needed to get my head straight and give myself some breathing room. By Saturday, we were on lounge chairs by her apartment complex’s pool dissecting my “problem.”

“What did Jenni and Frank say about you joining the BBC?” Gabi leaned back on the chair, pushing her white wayfarers up to hold back her blonde spirals.

“They’re beside themselves. Dad wants to borrow against his retirement to pay for it, which just freaks me out even more.”

I let out a heavy exhale as I stretched against my chair. Gabi’s apartment complex was just off campus near the University of Arizona. My best friend had followed in her father’s footsteps, joining the military right out of high school, but unlike her Coast Guard dad, Gabi’s focus was on astronomy. She hoped to work in the space program, and I had no doubt she’d be successful.

She turned to study my profile. “So what besides my hottie ex-future-husband who you heartlessly stole is making this decision so hard for you?”

I had to confess, I really loved the way my best friend could cut to the heart of the matter and make me laugh at the same time. “Would
you
want to leave Julian for nine months?”

“Objection! Evasive answer.”

“Rachel would say that’s not really a real objection, Fake Lawyer Gabi.”

“Don’t make me get the judge to require you to respond, Hostile Witness Anna.”

“Would you repeat the question please?”

“Is Julian the only reason you’re hesitating?”

I closed my eyes a moment and thought about it. Out of all the noise of worry in my brain, being separated from him was the loudest, but he wasn’t the only thing scaring me.

“He’s not the only reason.”

She bent her elbow to prop her head on her hand. “What else is there?”

Sitting up, I pushed my sunglasses on top of my head as well, and bent my knees, hugging them to my chest. “The idea that dad would borrow against his future, and then I might get over there and not be good enough or be too young or too inexperienced for world news… or what if I hated it? The whole thought of that makes me want to throw up.”

Thankfully, she didn’t launch into arguments dismissing my fears as ridiculous. Instead, like the best friend she’s always been, she nodded and leaned back on her chair, restoring her sunglasses over her eyes.

“It’s a legitimate concern.” She paused a moment and nodded again. “You’re afraid journalism might not be your passion?”

My lips poked out, and I fiddled with my painted toenails. “Bikini so Teeny” was the color I’d chosen. Gabi had opted for “Haute in the Heat.” When I didn’t answer, she continued.

“Or you’re afraid your college professor would urge you to apply even if she thought you couldn’t handle it?”

Slowly, my eyes rose to hers, and I knew she was right. I wasn’t ready to concede defeat yet, though. “Now it’s my turn. You didn’t answer
my
question.”

“What was it again?”

“Would you want to leave Julian for nine months?”

That made her laugh. “Hells no! That’s why I’m not in a field that would send me a million miles away.”

“Just to the moon!”

“Or the space station.” She took a deep, excited breath. “Can you imagine it? That would be
so amazing
.”

I shivered. “No thanks. I’m still trying to get over
Gravity
.”

“You need to get over yourself and apply for the internship.”

“I know. And if I get it, I’ll kill myself.”

She rolled onto her side facing me again. “Julian’s not going anywhere. He’s focused on his thing, and you know how he’s always been.”

A little smile touched my lips. “Yes—once he’s got his mind on something, he holds on until it thunders.”

“So you’ll miss him like the worst pain on the planet, but you won’t lose him over Junior Year Abroad.”

Tightening my arms around my thighs, I rested my cheek on my knees. “I’m also afraid of what comes after that. What if I like it? What if they ask me to stay? It’s like every step I take is another step away from him.”

“Now you’re borrowing trouble. How do you know Julian wouldn’t want to move to London if he had a choice?”

“Brad’s talking about the two of them reviving Kyser-Brennan.”

That made her sit all the way up and jerk off her sunglasses. “No shit! Does Brad know about his dad?”

“No!” I shook my head. “It was so crazy. He just launched into this plan with Julian over breakfast. I almost couldn’t breathe. It was like all of the past flying in a circle around us ready to swoop down and repeat itself.”

“Did Julian say anything?”

My lips poked out. “I could tell it took him by surprise. He backed away pretty quickly, but still…”

“He’s taking architecture classes now.”