Mosaic (28 page)

The Hangout was more of a tourist-trap, but most of the local kids went there anyway. It was a huge restaurant right on the Gulf, with outdoor seating and live music. The bands played in a giant courtyard area that included games and vendors selling glow sticks and ray guns. On the other side of the space was a sandy playground with rides for kids.

Lucy and I sat at the outdoor bar, listening to the band and catching up. The sun was just starting to set, but under the lights of the outdoor patio, we didn’t notice the growing dusk. It was hot and sticky, but we were both dressed for the weather—she in in a filmy, dark blue handkerchief-print maxi dress. I’d picked up a knee-length, spaghetti-strap green dress at one of the beach shops. It had little white shells scattered like polka dots all over it, and it reminded me of her ring. I touched the dragonfly still on my finger.

“Look at you! So fresh and pretty.” Lucy hurried up and clutched me in a hug. Her long hair was swept over one shoulder.

“Just like you!” I squeezed her back. “Married life seems to be agreeing with you.”

“I love it very much.” She smiled, taking her seat. The waiter came and took our drink orders, but she only got a Diet Coke. I just asked for water. “It’s like I have a thing now.”

“What do you mean?”

She laughed. “Everybody’s got something they love. This is what I’ve got. Robert and my family. I’m hoping…”

My mouth dropped. “Are you pregnant?”

“Oh, god no. We’ve got to get through medical school, but I can’t wait.” The waiter returned with our drinks, and once he’d gone, she leaned forward on the table. “Tell me all about London! I’m so excited for you, I can’t stand it.”

A line pierced my brow. “How did you know I got in?”

“Rachel, of course! She emailed me asking if I knew anybody looking for a roommate next semester.”

“Oh, yeah.” My lips twisted into a frown. “One of the bad parts is losing a great roommate.”

“But not as bad as being so far from Julian?” She took a sip of her drink.

Shrugging, I looked out toward the Gulf, wondering where he even was right now. I stabbed my straw up and down in my water.

“Hang on.” Lucy’s hand fell, hitting the table and making me jump. “What is that supposed to mean? Are you and Julian fighting?”

My eyes rose to her bright blue ones. “Honestly? I don’t know. He’s been pulling away since spring break, and for the last month, he hasn’t returned any of my texts.”

She hopped off her stool and quickly ran around to hug me. “Anna! You must be going crazy—is there anything I can do?”

Her unexpected display of affection made my breath hiccup. My eyes heated, and I was afraid I might cry. “I don’t think so. I just want answers. I want to know what happened, whatever it is he’s not telling me, or whatever he thinks I’m not telling him.”

She leaned back, studying my face, her eyes full of concern. “You don’t have any idea what it could be?”

“No… I mean… he said something about a secret. I didn’t know what he meant, but he said he felt distance between us. We didn’t see each other much during spring break, and when we went back, it was like that space just got bigger.”

“He barely made it in for the wedding.”

My mind traveled back to the reason. “He was angry with me. I hadn’t told him… some things.” Oh, god, was that all it was? Jack? But it didn’t make any sense, we’d worked that out. I told him about the sailing trip. Yes, I’d promised not to be alone with him again, but he had to understand it was for Rachel. And I’d told him right away.

From the corner of my eye, I noticed Lucy jump. She suddenly sat very straight and reached across the table for my hand. “Brace yourself. He just walked in.”

Pain squeezed in my chest, and for a second, I forgot how to breathe. My eyes followed hers looking behind me, moving to the right. “Does he see us?”

She nodded in the direction of the small bar behind us, and I turned, stealing a glance over my shoulder. What I saw made me jump out of the chair. He was there, facing the bartender, wearing jeans and a gray tee, but what had me ready to run was the brunette in the strapless dress hanging on his arm.

“He’s here with Renee?” My whisper was almost a hiss.

“What can I do?” Lucy’s voice was equally low, and I felt her reach for my arm.

Just then, he turned around and our eyes met. In my peripheral vision, I could tell Renee was smiling, but I couldn’t tear my gaze from his. I was sure my heartbreak was pouring from my eyes, but I couldn’t read anything in his. His expression was completely neutral.

My feet moved on their own, as if my body were drawn to him. I didn’t make a conscious decision, I simply couldn’t stop myself going straight to where he stood, until we were facing each other. He took a half step away from her, and Renee’s smile melted into a frown.

I was the first to speak. “What are you doing here?”

He didn’t answer, but Renee did. “Hi, Anna. Just get in town for the break?”

I didn’t even acknowledge her. “Why won’t you talk to me?”

At that, his brow lowered, and he seemed almost angry. Instead of answering, though, he caught my arm and pulled me away from the bar. “I’m not doing this here.”

He released me and kept walking through the patio space to where the small playground was located. I followed him, not sure if that was what he meant, but unable to let him go without an explanation. He kept walking through the gate, across the parking lot, and over the boardwalk. I followed him out to the sand, away from the crowd, until at last he stopped and turned to face me. His expression was still that neutral almost-irritation, like he would patiently listen to whatever I had to say, but his decision was already made. I’d seen him treat his mother this same way, and it panicked me.

“Julian, you have to talk to me. What happened back there?”

Finally, I got a response. His eyebrows pulled together, and I saw real anger. “
I
have to talk to you? I’m not the one still keeping secrets.”

Shaking my head, I pushed my hair back from my cheeks. “I don’t know what you’re talking about! I don’t have any secrets from you.”

“Then we have nothing to say here.” He made a move like he would head back to the bar, but I lunged forward catching his arm.

“Why won’t you tell me why you’re so angry? Why are you here with Renee?”

Our bodies were so close, the pain was excruciating. “I told you once before. She’s completely honest.”

“I’m completely honest!”

“Are you?”

“Oh my god!” I threw up my hands and paced in a circle. “This isn’t us! We don’t play games. We’ve never played games.”

He crossed his arms, and I couldn’t believe the coldness in his blue eyes. He looked so much like his father, my panic only intensified. “I seem to remember you playing lots of games.”

“Never with you. I love you.”

The tiniest spark of something flickered in his eye, but it was gone just as fast. “High school relationships rarely survive college.”

“Don’t you say that,” I snapped, that old pain back in my chest. “We were more than just a high school relationship, and you know it.”

With a deep breath, he uncrossed his arms and pushed his hands into his back pockets. The gray tee stretched across his chest, and I wanted nothing more but to bury my face in it, inhaling his scent of soap and the ocean. I needed him so badly.

“I don’t know.” His tone was still distant, aloof. “Maybe Renee was right. Maybe this was all just some little high school obsession of mine, wanting something I could never have. Until I did.”

My burning eyes met his, and he completely pulled away. I didn’t know what I could say to bring him back to me. I couldn’t speak, but he didn’t stop.

“Only I never really had you. Did I?”

“You had me. You know how much you had me.” My voice was weak and trembling, my whole body felt numb. Closing my eyes, I thought about how deep our love had been last year, the things he’d said to me. “What about tenth grade? What about math class and how I couldn’t look at you?”

Stepping forward, I caught his hand. “What about this?” I held it so that my dragonfly ring lined up with the little dragonfly tattoo on his hand. He stood and looked at it for several long moments, not speaking.

When he did speak, he broke my heart all over again. “Kid stuff.”

Instead of tears, though, I felt anger. I was furious at him now. “It is NOT kid stuff!” I pushed him back with both hands, but he caught my forearms and held them. I saw my anger reflected in his eyes, and I jerked them away, confused.

“Why are you so angry?” My voice was a broken whisper.

He turned away, but before he left, he repeated what he’d told me earlier. “Go to London, Anna. Do JYA.”

The desperation was back in my voice. “I am going to London—I already told them yes. But it doesn’t change anything. We won’t lose each other.”

“We’re already lost.”

He walked away from me then, and a weak little cry slipped from my aching throat. I couldn’t stop him. He was determined to walk away, and I knew him too well. I had to let him go right now.

Somehow, I managed to hold myself together. This was not the end. I wasn’t sure why he was doing this, why he was telling himself we were nothing more than a high school thing, but I would not let him give up on us.

I’d seen him angry before. I’d seen him angry with his mother, and I knew I had to wait. He wouldn’t let me in right now, but I hoped with everything inside me—with everything I believed in—that like his mother, he could see a time when he’d forgive me.

It was all I had, but I held onto it so hard. I had to believe it if I was ever going to get through the coming months. I just wished with everything in me he would tell me what had happened.

Either way, standing on the beach, with the waves crashing behind me, I made a vow. When I got back from London… when we were back here, we’d be together again.

Anna’s Private Blog: BBC Newswoman

London was amazing. I was technically enrolled at University College, and I lived in the Ian Baker student housing near Ramsey Hall, which was less than a half-mile from the main BBC offices. It took me less than ten minutes to walk to work past enormous brick apartments and glass-fronted businesses. Trees were planted in the stone sidewalks, and it reminded me vaguely of being in New Orleans, only without the music. And the heat.

Broadcasting was the fastest job I’d ever had. We started early in the morning, and the days were eaten up with chasing stories and doing research. Stories would start at the break of dawn or sometimes late the night before, and if we didn’t have them ready by show time, it was too late. Yesterday’s news. Over.

Personally, I had to catch up fast on world events and major European players, who were pretty much foreign to me. When I wasn’t reading the wire, I was monitoring other news outlets or honing my broadcast writing craft.

Part of my job as an intern was reading through the press releases and finding newsworthy events. It was the same thing I’d done at the paper in Fairview, so I was at least experienced in that task. What I hadn’t done before was write copy to be read on-air.

It wasn’t much different from news writing, except I had to take into account the narrative element of the process. I had to write sentences that could be read quickly and smoothly at a glance.

An unexpected benefit was time also passed incredibly fast. It was easy to get lost in the work, and I truly loved it. Liam Stockton was my boss, but I primarily checked in with his assistant Brandon Elliot. Brandon was a recent graduate, and as such, he was a great mentor for me. All my questions were fresh on his mind, because they were questions he’d had starting out as well.

So I lost myself in research and chasing the days’ stories, pushing my shredded insides to the deep background. My birthday came and went with calls and care packages from my parents and Gabi, but it was the first time in two years I didn’t receive a single yellow chrysanthemum. I killed that pain with a healthy shot of whether the Euro was losing ground in the west followed by a chaser of What in the World is Russia Up To?

Christmas holiday came and went, but I only visited home for a week. Even that was too long, considering Julian wasn’t there. I’d stopped trying to text him long ago, focusing instead on getting through this year, building my resume and finding my way back to him next summer.

That was the plan at least.

By spring, I felt like a regular part of the news staff. I wasn’t on the payroll, but that was the only thing keeping me from reading on-air. I did pretty much everything else in the office.

One of my last three Sundays before my internship ended, I was holed up at my computer, reading about Christine Lagarde, former head of the International Monetary Fund who BBC declared the “most powerful woman,” when Brandon interrupted me.

“Anna!” He barked.

I’d grown to love the British way of saying my name. It was like
Ah
-nah.

“What are you doing in here on a Sunday?” He stopped at the desk. “You’ve got to take a break or you’ll burn out. In all these months of busting your arse, have you even toured London?”