Mourning Sun (8 page)

Mathias rubbed my back until I stopped trembling. Leaning against Mathias was like laying down in a rushing stream. His skin was cool against my own overheated body and the electrical current that jumped between us was oddly pleasant. I sighed again.

"Shall we stay or would you rather go somewhere else?" he asked.

 

"Can we go somewhere else? I think I've had enough teenage posturing and testosterone for one night."

 

"Would you care to walk with me on the beach?"

I nodded and let Mathias lead me out of the stadium. The car ride was quick and silent. I barely noticed when we passed the public beach access my family had always used. I was too busy running over the confrontation in the stadium to really pay attention to where we were going. Mathias turned off the car at the end of a long driveway. I looked out at the crashing waves, entranced by the beauty of the moonlit night.

"Where are we?" I asked.

 

"My home," he said. "I hope you don't mind. This stretch of beach is my favorite in this area. It's why I bought this house, actually."

 

"You have your own beach," I said. "Of course you do."

Mathias took my hand and walked toward the rushing waves. His thumb rubbed restlessly against my hand. He was silent but I could tell he wanted to say something. I wanted to know what it was, but I was afraid to push him to reveal his thoughts. What if tonight had been enough to convince him that I wasn't worth it? Surely he could see how much easier it would be to leave me behind and join the Golden Ones.

Mathias stopped walking, turning to watch the waves break and rush up the beach toward us.

"I realize there are many things about me which make you uncomfortable," he said. "My wealth is only one of those things. I wish I could remove everything about myself that makes you wary of me." He sat in the sand, pulling me down beside him. "Would you be more comfortable with me if I were poor?"

"Probably not," I admitted. Especially since it wasn't his money that made me uncomfortable.

 

"I am not trying to flaunt my wealth. I just want to share what I have with you."

"You make that sound so much more permanent than a moonlit walk on the beach." I clapped a hand over my mouth. What was it about Mathias that put my filter in a permanent off position?

"How do you always hear what I think?" he mused. "You're right, of course. I do want to share more than a moonlit walk with you, but I also do not wish to frighten you."

"You don't scare me."

 

He looked at me a moment before he said, "I wish I did."

"Why?" The moonlight was pale against Mathias' raven wing hair and I wanted nothing more than to slip my fingers into his hair and drag his lips to mine. Talk about teenage posturing and hormones run amok.

Mathias sighed. "Perhaps if you feared me, I could be stronger. Your trust in me and of me may yet be the death of us both." He continued to watch the waves. "Tawnya was probably right this afternoon. I am very likely the dark cloud in your life. You should listen to your family and beware of me."
"No, I don't believe that."

"Perhaps you should. I am not as refined as you seem to believe I am, Mairin. There are desires in me that would send you screaming into the night."

 

"I don't believe you," I said, forcing back images from my dreams.

"I have told you I am selfish, but the worst of my selfishness is that it puts those I care about in danger while the very nature of what I am draws them ever closer to me. I am...there is evil in that level of selfish desire."

"Mathias, you are probably the least selfish person I've ever known."

A deep sadness settled into Mathias' eyes. "You have far too much faith in me, Mairin, but I find I am unable to leave you alone. It is my nature that I've always gotten what I wanted with very little effort or resistance."

"Do you want me to leave you? To resist you?" My heart hammered unhappily in my chest. The thought of leaving him now was something I wasn't willing to entertain. I needed Mathias in a way I never believed I would need anyone. Especially not an impossibly gorgeous, wonderfully mysterious boy who was way out of my league. I held my breath as Mathias considered my question.

"No," he said softly. "I don't want that."

 

"Then what do you want?"

 

He lifted his hand and lay it against my cheek. "I want you."

 

I mirrored his movements, laying my hand against his cheek. "I want you too," I said.

He leaned down and brushed his lips against my forehead before trailing them down my cheek to my neck. My heart jerked into a swift rhythm and I gasped. Each touch of his lips was both cold and electric, far more intense than when we touched hands.

"Mairin," he whispered. "My heart, my sun. What is this that you do to me?" My hormone-numbed brain snapped into crystal clear focus. I had heard Mathias speak those words before. To Kathryn. He had kissed Kathryn. She had kissed him as well.

I struggled to reach his lips, desperate for my first real kiss to be from this amazing, beautiful and mysterious boy. Instead of pulling me closer and bringing his lips to mine, Mathias sighed.

"No, my heart," he said, and leaned back. He stood, brushing the sand from his pants

 

"What?" My heart stopped and then fell. He didn't want to kiss me.

 

"Not yet. Perhaps not ever. I cannot be that selfish." he said, reaching down to help me up.

I stared at him in stunned silence. Never kiss me? Had he really said he might never kiss me? Mathias took my hand and started walking again. My emotional roller coaster continued to run at full speed. I was angry and hurt and not just a little overwhelmed by the night. I tried to hold on to one emotion at a time, to give myself enough focus to talk to him, to tell him how much it hurt to think of never kissing him. To help him understand that I wasn't easy, that I'd never been kissed and that I was ready to have that wonderful and mythical first kiss, but only if it came from him. Finally, it was anger that settled me down and gave me my voice.

"What just happened?" I demanded.

 

"Nothing happened, Mairin. That was the point."

 

"You are the most infuriating person I've ever met," I spat. How could he be so calm while I was in such turmoil?

 

"I believe you," he said, smiling.

 

I ground my teeth. I didn't understand what was going on. I was confused and hurt and humiliated.

 

"I think I should go home."

 

"Certainly," Mathias said, turning and walking me back toward his car.

Mathias' reasonable attitude made me want to scream. Well, scream wasn't all I wanted to do. If I was honest with myself, I wanted to push him down in the sand and kiss him until neither of us could breathe. The fact that he didn't share this particular compulsion made me ache.

He held the car door for me and chuckled softly when I threw myself into the seat. "So impatient," he said, kneeling beside the car so ours eyes met. "Will you forgive me if I tell you I refrain from kissing you only at great cost?"

"Maybe."

He brushed his lips over my cheek, raising chills along my spine. "You cannot imagine the restraint I must call upon to refrain from taking your lips and devouring them as one might devour a ripe fruit. I want to taste you in so many ways, but I know I cannot. Forgive me now, Mairin, I beg you. What I do now, or refrain from doing, is for your own good."

"I'd rather decide for myself what's for my own good," I said, turning my lips toward his. He smiled, but stepped back.

 

"When you have all the facts, Mairin, you can decide for yourself. Until then, please trust me."

 

I crossed my arms and huffed, knowing I looked like an idiot but unable to stop myself.

Mathias was silent as we made our way back to my house. I watched him, marveling at the smooth way he moved and grinding my teeth in frustration. He'd said I could make my decisions when I had all the facts, but he seemed disinclined to share those facts with me. I was getting more annoyed by the minute, but something kept me from questioning him. I was a coward, I decided. I feared that his explanation would separate us somehow. The lights were on in the kitchen when Mathias pulled up to my house. I wondered if my mom or Tawnya waited for me. Either way, I knew I didn't want to talk to anyone about tonight or about Mathias. What could I say? "Yeah, I think I'm in love with a guy I dreamed of before I met, but he doesn't want to kiss me because he says he's no good for me." That was definitely not a discussion I wanted to have tonight.

Mathias turned in his seat and trailed his fingers along my jaw. I trembled, excitement blooming in my body from each place our skin touched.

 

"May I call you tomorrow, Mairin?"

His beautiful face filled my vision and I wanted to find the strength to tell him no, to find a way to get some distance and perspective, but I couldn't. I wanted to be with him, near him, a part of him. I wouldn't...no, couldn't...distance myself now.

"Sure. Anytime," I said.

 

Mathias took my hand and kissed the back of it. My pulse raced and I had to restrain myself from reaching for him. "I look forward to it," he said.

I closed the car door with a little more force than was strictly necessary and flushed when I heard him laugh. I stomped up the walk, refusing to turn and see his amusement.

Chapter 5
"Mairin, will you sit and talk with me?" Tawnya asked after I closed the door behind me.

 

"I'm kind of tired, Tawnya. Can this wait until tomorrow?"

 

"I don't think it can, honey. Please sit down."

Something in her voice stopped me. Tawnya rarely used pet names like "honey" for anyone other than my mom. She was obviously upset. Despite my own confusion and fatigue, I decided that I needed to find out what Tawnya thought was wrong with Mathias. I took the chair across from her and waited.

Tawnya toyed with the sugar bowl for a few moments before she sighed and looked across the table at me.

 

"Tawnya, you're kind of creeping me out," I said. "What's going on?"

 

"You know how much I love you and Kerry and Loraine, right Mairin?"

 

"Sure."

 

"And you know that I would never let any of you get hurt. Not if there was any way to avoid it."

 

Fear curled deep in my stomach. "What are you trying to tell me, Tawnya?"

Tawnya stared at her hands. "Those halos you've started seeing, I'm pretty sure they're auras, not halos. Well, most of them aren't halos. When you said you saw gold around my head this morning, you startled me. No one else has ever seen what you can see around me."

"I was going to ask you about those halos...er, auras actually. I noticed there are a few different colors I can see, though most everyone has some variation of blue. Why are there different colors? What do the colors mean?" "Well I can answer why my aura is different from your mother and your sister. As to any others, we'll have to research them. But that isn't really what I wanted to talk about."

Tawnya's gaze flickered toward the door. I knew she'd heard the heavy growl of the powerful engine in Mathias' car. She'd probably heard me slam the car door as well. My anger with Mathias and confusion over his distance lingered and I turned it on Tawnya.

"Please don't start in on Mathias again, Tawnya. Mom already told you she didn't believe the reading you did. If she doesn't believe it, why should I?"

"You need to know what I know, Mairin. Before it's too late." Tawnya rose and paced the length of the kitchen. "When I saw the dark influence in the cards, I didn't know you'd already met him. I thought the shadow was still on the horizon. But when you brought him to the shop, brought him near your mother and your sister, I knew I had to keep you away from him. He's dangerous, Mairin. Dangerous in ways you haven't imagined or dreamed of in your worst night terrors."

I shook my head, but the fear continued to bloom in my gut. Tawnya didn't know about the dreams I'd had of Mathias. She couldn't. I hadn't told anyone but Cecelia about the killing, the blood.

"You're wrong about him. He's good and decent. Certainly better than any of the boys from around here." I said, ignoring the deep, nauseating fear that settled deep into my gut. "He wouldn't even kiss me tonight. How could he be dangerous?"

"There are many kinds of danger, Mairin."

Tawnya crossed her arms across her chest, hugging herself. She took a deep breath before she spoke again. I could see she was struggling with whether to tell me something or not and I was suddenly more afraid of her than I believed I could ever be of Mathias. Something deep inside told me that some part of my past was about to come crashing down on me, taking my future with it. "Mairin, do you remember the first time you met me?"

The question surprised me. "I don't think so. I just remember you were there at Daddy's funeral."

"You were so tiny the first time I saw you," she said. "I've watched you grow and I've loved you as if you were my own. I loved you because I loved your mother, but also because of who...what you are."

"I don't understand. What do you mean, 'what I am?'"

Tawnya waved me off, continuing her tale in her way. "I've been with you since before you were born. I was supposed to leave you with Loraine and Dick and go back to Heaven, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave you. I knew you were going to be a most extraordinary child...woman...and that you would need my help. And then I fell in love with Loraine and I knew I couldn't ever leave. I gave up my wings to stay here with you, your mother and your sister. I've never regretted a moment of my time here. How could I regret the love I have because of that decision?"

"You were supposed to go back to Heaven?" The room tilted as what Tawnya was saying sank into my over stressed brain. "You're an angel?"

 

"Not anymore," she said with a small smile. "When I return to Heaven, after you and your mother and sister have lived your lives, I'll be an angel again."

 

"And that's why your aura is gold, isn't it?"

 

"Yes."

Tawnya let me digest what she'd said, watching me closely. I could tell by her expression she believed I would freak out at any moment, but actually what she said made an awful lot of sense. The day of my father's accident, he was supposed to be taking me and Kerry to a dentist appointment, but Tawnya kept us home. She was in every memory I had of childhood and she never changed. She took my dreams and now my ability to see auras as a given rather than a curse or an indication that I was strange or freakish. In all, her acceptance of weird was definitely on the high side. It made sense that she accepted the weird things that filled our lives because she was one of those weird things.