Mourning Sun (12 page)

He nodded once and then slowly closed the door between us.
Chapter 7

I sat in the Nova for a long time before the tears slowed enough for me to see. My mind wouldn't let go of the image of Mathias slowly closing the door. It was so final, as though he was more certain of my future than I ever would be. Certain of a future that didn't include him. I tried to imagine that future, but there was only the crushing darkness of my dreams. I could no longer see even the mundane future of college and the career I'd always planned for. It was as though Mathias had closed the door on my entire future, not just the one which included him.

I drove slowly through town, stopping at the grocery store to get the things I needed to make Stromboli for Kerry. Part of me still stood on the threshold of Mathias' house, waiting for him to open the door and laugh; to tell me it was all a terrible joke. He wasn't a vampire. He wasn't a killer. He wasn't a monster. I knew better, but I couldn't let go of the hope.

I stood next to my car, struggling to control my emotions, knowing it was a lost cause. In my entire life, the only time I'd ever had complete control of my emotions had been at Daddy's funeral. I never cried for him where Mom or Kerry could see me. Any other emotional upheaval I'd ever had poured out of me and onto everyone and everything in my life. I knew I couldn't go into the store until I had better control over myself. Too many people would see me and tell Mom or Tawnya. It would be just another scandal for the Cotes. I couldn't let that happen.

"Hey, are you okay?"

I looked up into the pale green eyes of the East Hampton football player who had stared at me and Mathias. I jerked back, startled and more than a little afraid.

"Um, not really, but it's just girl stuff," I said.

 

The boy held out his hand and I took it reflexively. "I'm Xavier Meyers. I saw you last night at the pep rally."

 

"Yeah."

 

"Look, I know you're probably kind of freaked out right now, but I needed to talk to you. Can we maybe sit in your car or something?"

 

"I don't think that's a good idea."

 

"Mairin, this isn't a conversation you want to have in public."

The echo of the words I'd spoken to Mathias that morning shook me. The tears began again in earnest leaving Xavier watching me, obviously unsure what to do.

"How...how do you know my name?" I asked when the tears slowed.

"Your mom and my grandmother know each other from the psychic community," Xavier's relief at getting a coherent question out of me despite the tears was obvious. "When I described you to my grandmother, she said you were probably the one I'd seen last night."

I rubbed the tears from my face and eyes. Crying over Mathias wasn't making me feel better and I felt more than a little foolish bawling all over this stranger.

 

"What did you want to talk about?"

 

"Really, I think a little privacy would be better for this talk."

 

"Oh fine," I snapped. "Get in."

Xavier slipped into the passenger seat, turning so his back was against the door and he faced me. I kept staring at his eyes and his pulsing orange aura. The two features were enough to numb my already assaulted brain.

"You kept staring at me last night." I said.

"Yeah. That's why I needed to talk to you." Xavier shifted uncomfortably. "Look, I know what I'm going to tell you is going to make me sound like a lunatic," he coughed out a laugh. "But trust me, it will all make sense when I'm finished. Okay?"
I nodded. It wasn't like I wasn't already overwhelmed by the bizarre. What was one more crazy story?

"OK, so I was staring at you last night because of that guy you were with."

 

I jerked. Why couldn't I catch a break? Mathias was going to be the death of me. I shuddered at that thought.

 

"There's something you need to know about that guy. Something that makes him a danger to everyone around him."

 

"He's a vampire." I said.

 

It was Xavier's turn to be surprised. "You knew?" Revulsion warred with anger in his tone.

 

"Not last night, no," I said. "I just came from his house. He...he confirmed what my mom's partner told me last night."

 

"Then you know how dangerous he is, Mairin. He's a killer."

 

"I know," I screamed. The vehemence of my response startled me. "I know what he is, Xavier."

 

Mathias was the boy I loved. He was kind and compassionate. He was a protector of those he cared about and the people they loved.

 

Mathias was a killer.

The distance between the illusion of Mathias' humanity and the reality of his existence was like a sucker punch to the gut. Bitter laughter burst from my lips, quickly transforming into sobs.

Xavier waited silently for me to get myself under control before he spoke again.

 

"I have to say I'm surprised he let you leave his lair after you learned the truth."

"It's a house, not a lair," I said. "Whatever," Xavier snapped. "The point is, most blood suckers would have killed you and destroyed your body. This one didn't."

"What do you want from me? Do you want me to go back so Math...he can kill me?"

 

"No, no. Of course not. But it does change my plans for him."

 

"Why would you have plans for...him." I couldn't speak his name. It choked me with the weight of what my life was going to be without him.

"Well let's just say part of my job is to keep the human world safe from blood sucking demons and other nasty creatures. But I can't act if the blood sucker hasn't demonstrated that he's an immediate threat. This one seems to have enough control to allow someone who knows his secret to leave without consequences. I'll have to wait for him to become a bigger threat."

"You're crazy," I said. "You're just a kid. Who appointed you to the post of protector of the human race?"

"It's not a job I wanted, I can tell you that. But I won't walk away from my duty." Xavier's bitter tone reminded me of Mathias' as he'd recounted his tale of becoming a vampire.

"Look, Mairin, I'm sorry to jump on you about this today. Obviously you've had a tough day. But I need to know what you plan to do about the blood sucker now."

"Stop calling him that."

 

Xavier sighed. "Fine, what would you prefer I call him? Fiend of the night?"

 

"His name is...Mathias." I pushed his name past the lump in my throat.

 

"OK. What do you plan to do about Mathias?"

"Why do you care?" "I'll be watching him. Making sure he doesn't start killing the innocent townsfolk of Highland Home. I need to know if I have to watch out for him turning townsfolk too."

"Turning?"

 

"Yeah, making more little blood suckers to decimate the human population."

 

I tried to wrap my brain around what Xavier was suggesting. "You think I'd let him make me into a vampire?"

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time someone thought they were in love with a blood sucker and let them end their human life by making them a hell borne atrocity."

"Big words for a football player," I laughed bitterly.

 

"Bite me, Mairin," Xavier said. "I really don't care what your decision is. I just need to know how closely I'll need to watch you."

I shook my head. "I don't know what to tell you. I haven't made up my mind about...about him, but I can tell you that I won't be letting him make me a vampire."

"Good enough." Xavier stepped out of the car. "You should just stay away from the blood...from Mathias. Think of what your death would do to your family. And accidents happen."

He was gone before I could think of anything to say.

 

***

I tried to go back to my life, but I should have known it would be impossible. Meeting Mathias had changed something important in my makeup. I couldn't just walk away unscathed.

I wouldn't talk to anyone about what had happened between me and Mathias. I stopped talking to Tawnya altogether until Mom shouted that she wouldn't let me drive away the woman she loved. After that screaming match, I put on my happy face and hid my true feelings from everyone. I wouldn't even let Kerry in close enough to share my broken heart with her. I still hadn't found a way to make a decision about Mathias and so I left him in the ether with me. Every so often he would look at me, a question in his eyes, but I ran from those moments.

I wanted to find someone to blame for my pain and for Mathias'. The trouble was, I could find no one but myself to foot that bill. I had ignored my dreams and allowed myself to get involved with Mathias because I was dazzled by him. I had gone to him with questions and then blamed him when the answers were what I already knew to be true. I had let him close the door between us because I was too cowardly to stop him.

I didn't tell anyone about the weird meeting with Xavier either. The whole episode seemed distant and unreal, like it had been part of someone else's life. From time to time, I'd see Xavier around Highland Home, but he never acknowledged me or spoke to me.

I tried to avoid seeing Xavier rather than searching for him in Highland Home. To see Xavier was to acknowledge why he was there. To acknowledge that was to allow myself to be forcibly reminded of what Mathias was and how I was letting months pass without making a decision.

Slowly, the painful days and horrifying nights blended into something smooth and easy to ignore. I dreamed of Mathias almost every night. I screamed when his teeth sank into my shoulder. I cried when his lips brushed my forehead. It got so bad that Mom stopped coming to my room when I screamed. I couldn't tell her what I was dreaming and she finally stopped asking. I woke each day wondering what new hell I was in for.

Eventually, though, my soul began to heal itself, even if that healing consisted of only a scab over the festering hole where my heart once lay.

"Want to go with me to the mall later?" Cecelia asked. I realized she'd been talking to me for at least the five minutes it took to get from the cafeteria to French class, but I couldn't remember what she'd said.
"What?"

"Look Mairin," she said, irritation making her voice sharp. "I get it. He was wonderful and all that, but you told him to get lost. You gotta stop moping after a guy you said you didn't want. It's been six months. You have to move on, Chica."

I looked at Cecelia, realizing I hadn't really seen her in months. She'd changed her hair and I hadn't noticed. I wondered what else I'd missed while I wallowed in self-pity. Shame settled deep in the pit of my stomach. "I'm sorry I've been such a terrible friend," I said.

"You're not a terrible friend, doofus. But you're not the same Mairin you were before Mathias. I miss you and I wish you would let me help you feel better. You won't talk to me. You won't let me help you. Mairin, I don't know what to do."

I flinched at his name. I'd spent so many months avoiding anything to do with him, including his name that when something came up, like now, I didn't know how to handle it. I saw fear and worry in my best friend's eyes and felt a drowning guilt. Cecelia was right. I wasn't the same girl I'd been before a vampire had turned my world upside down. I was, at best, a shadow of myself who was hurting everyone she loved. I suddenly realized I was a worse kind of monster than Mathias. At least he killed cleanly. I let my victims suffer and linger.

"Speak of the devil and the devil will appear," I whispered.

Mathias stood at the door to the French classroom, talking to Mr. Petrowski and pointedly not looking at me. I stared at him, drinking in his beloved features, ignoring the pain that bloomed in my chest. As though I were seeing my world clearly for the first time since Mathias had closed the door on me, I realized that he didn't look as I remembered him. He looked paler today than I remembered. In fact, he looked downright ill once I really looked at him.

"Does he look okay to you?" I asked Cecelia. She didn't have to ask me who I meant. She was game, though and glanced at Mathias. "He looks the same as he always does, Maire."

I nodded distractedly at Cecelia, letting her change the subject but not really letting go of my suspicions. Cecelia wouldn't notice the change in the paleness of Mathias' skin or the darker shadows under his eyes. She hadn't memorized his face when he'd been happy, so she wouldn't see the drastic changes now apparent to me. How long had he looked tired and ill and I'd seen only the face I remembered from my dreams?

Mathias glanced up, his eyes pausing briefly on me before he ducked into the classroom. I knew when I found my seat, he would be as far away from me as he could get. He'd taken my desire for distance truly to heart. He hadn't spoken to me in months, not since I'd screamed at him to give me time a few weeks after we'd spoken at his home.

I could still see the defeated look on Mathias' face from that day.

 

"I need time, Mathias," I'd screamed.

 

"Of course, Mairin. I only wished to tell you that I am waiting when you've made your decision."

 

"When I've decided, You'll be the second to know," I'd snapped.

 

He'd walked away, blending into the crowd and leaving me to watch him disappear.

From that day on, he'd avoided me. He refused to speak to me and rarely looked at me. We passed each other in the halls, sat through classes together, but we didn't communicate. If in the past several months I had made a decision in which I wanted him as part of my life, his determined efforts to avoid me would have made it impossible for me to tell him.

French was the worst of all the times I was forced to be in the same class with him because our teacher insisted that everyone speak at least once during every class. Mr. Petrowski's policy meant I had to hear Mathias' rough silk voice and try not to flinch too much. Today I couldn't help turning in my seat to find him when I heard him answer Mr. Petrowski in perfectly accented, but extremely softly spoken French. His dark eyes appeared even darker with the heavy shadows beneath them. Not even his pale gold aura could brighten his appearance. Something was definitely wrong.

"So are you up for the mall tonight?" Cecelia whispered when Mr. Petrowski turned his back on us.

 

"Can't," I said. "Mom is making me sit down with that East Hampton psychic tonight. Something about her being an expert in auras I think."