My Big Fat Zombie Goldfish (11 page)

BIG

BROTHERS
'

EVIL

DEEDS

TO
[
PLEASE IGNORE ADDITIONAL
“
TO
”]

LITTLE

ANNOYING

MORONS

BBEDLAM's Corporate Statement: BBEDLAM is a top-secret organization founded on the premise of doing high-quality evil deeds to little moron brothers and achieving world domination.

Wow, Sanj was right. BBEDLAM was out to get us, and little brothers everywhere. We had to stop them.

“Pradeep, can you block the website or wipe it or something?” I asked.

“I don't know. Sanj is the Evil Computer Genius, not me,” Pradeep said.

Then, while we were looking at the screen, more words started to appear:

LITTLE ANNOYING MORON KIDS WILL BE TURNED INTO OUR SUB-ORNAMENTS

Then those words were quickly deleted and this was typed instead:

LITTLE ANNOYING MORON SIBLINGS WILL BE TURNED INTO SUBORDINATES AND USED TO HELP ACHIEVE WORLD DOMINATION [EVENTUALLY]

“Hey! They're updating the site right now!” Pradeep said.

“Does that mean they're here?” I asked, grabbing my backpack to keep Frankie close.

“No, they could upload remotely,” Pradeep answered. “But—”

But I interrupted Pradeep's “but.” “Frankie's gone!” I held up the backpack. “He must have rolled away while we were looking at the website.”

“So now we have two evil big brothers and a zombie goldfish on the loose to worry about,” said Pradeep. “What else could go wrong…?”

“Pradeep, my lovely, you forgot your lunch this morning.”

Mrs. Kumar's voice filled the school hallway and I watched Pradeep's face fall so low, he had to pick his chin up from the floor.

“Anything but that…” he sighed.

 

 

As I ran over to the classroom door to see where Pradeep's mom was, Pradeep hid under the computer table.

Fair enough, really. Parents coming into school when they are not expected is top of the list of the five most embarrassing things that can happen to a kid in elementary school.

5. The school nurse finds something in your hair, but can't exactly tell what it is, so says, out loud to the rest of the class, “I'm going to have to take a picture of this one and look it up.” (Me—third grade.)

4. Your mom mixes up your swimsuit with your little sister's, so you have the choice to go out to the pool stark naked or wearing a three-year-old's Dora the Explorer bikini bottoms. (Pradeep—last year.)

3. You admit, in front of the other boys in your class, that you think the best
Star Wars
movie is the one with the cute, furry little Ewok creatures. (This kid called Ben—just before winter break. He never came back to school.)

2. Your pet zombie goldfish gets loose in the school. (Me—today.)

And 1. Your mom calls you “precious,” “lovely,” or “honey” in a loud voice in the school hallway just as everyone is coming out of assembly. (Pradeep—also today.)

I peeked around the door and saw Mrs. Kumar looking into the classroom across the corridor. Kids were sniggering as they walked past and I could hear whispers of “Isn't that Pradeep's mom?”

“Come along, Samina,” Mrs. Kumar called, gently pulling Pradeep's little sister by the hand. “We'll have to take Pradeep's lunch to the office.”

Mr. Swanson came into the computer lab, followed by loads of kids, so Pradeep had to get out from under the table.

“Tom, they're still online,” Pradeep said as he sat up at the desk. “If we can track down which computer in the school they're using, then maybe we can shut the website down.”

Pradeep's hands tapped away at the keyboard at the speed of light.

“I got 'em!” Pradeep said. “They're in the science lab upstairs.”

“That's not fair,” I said. “That's where Mark told us he was going to be and he usually lies so that's the last place I would look.”

“Actually, when you think of it that way, it's pretty clever,” said Pradeep. Then we looked at each other. “Must have been Sanj's idea,” we both said together.

“I'll head up and recon what they're doing in the lab,” I said to Pradeep. “We'll keep in contact with clicks.” There's a button on our walkie-talkies for tapping out Morse code. Pradeep and I haven't actually learned the real Morse code yet, so we do two different tunes with the clicks to say how things are going. If everything is fine, we click:

SHORT SHORT LONG
,

SHORT SHORT LONG
,

SHORT SHORT SHORT SHORT LONG
(
TO THE TUNE OF
“
JINGLE BELLS
”
'CAUSE IT
'
S A HAPPY SONG
).

If it's an emergency, we click:

LONG SHORT
,

LONG SHORT
,

SHORT SHORT LONG LONG
(
TO THE END BIT OF
“
RING AROUND THE ROSIE
” '
CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE A HAPPY SONG
,
BUT IT
'
S REALLY ABOUT THE PLAGUE
.
WHICH WAS A PRETTY MAJOR EMERGENCY
).

I got another bathroom pass from Mr. Swanson (he must have thought I had serious bladder problems) and headed out into the hall. Just as I reached the staircase, I heard a familiar voice.

“Swishy little fishy,” Sami chanted as she skipped along the hallway in front of Pradeep's mom.

I looked at Sami. Her eyes stared through the display board on the wall and up my left nostril. The zombie stare. Frankie had hypnotized Sami again, so he must be close by.

“Ah, Tom,” Mrs. Kumar said. “The secretary told me that Pradeep would be in one of these classrooms up here doing computer things. Do you know which one? I've brought his lunch.”

Sami was holding Pradeep's teddy-bear lunchbox—the one he keeps trying to lose or destroy and his mom keeps finding and fixing. He even let the school bus run over it, but it still didn't break. I bet in a thousand years' time archaeologists will find Pradeep's teddy-bear lunchbox still intact, with his mom's super-plastic-wrapped samosas inside.

Sami opened the lunchbox's lid just a crack and there inside, swimming around in his plastic bag, was Frankie. I quickly slammed the lid shut.

“Um, I can take the lunchbox to him,” I said, trying to grab it from Sami.

“Swishy fishy.” She pouted and held on tight to the handle.

“OK, maybe Sami can bring the lunchbox,” I said, loud enough so that Frankie would hear me and use his hypnotic powers to control Sami. Just then I saw a flash of white as someone passed behind Mrs. Kumar. It was Mark, still in his Evil Scientist coat.

“Mark!” I shouted, but he'd already run up the stairs.

The lunchbox started to shake back and forth in Sami's hands. Oh great, Frankie had heard Mark's name and was probably now in full green-eyed revenge mode.

“Here, let me hold that, Sami,” I said, peeking inside the lid as she let me take it from her. Frankie's eyes were bright green and his tail whacked hard against the sides of the bag.

“Why are you shaking Pradeep's lunch?” Mrs. Kumar asked.

“Um, that's the way Pradeep likes it.” I smiled nervously. “Come on, Sami, let's get this to Pradeep while it's still … freshly … shook.”

Sami looked starey-eyed at me but followed as I headed for the stairs. “I'll bring Sami back down to the office after we find Pradeep,” I called to Mrs. Kumar.

We ran up the stairs. Mark must have headed for the science lab. Sami, Frankie, and I would trick Mark and Sanj into chasing after us, then Pradeep could sneak into the lab and wipe the website, stopping BBEDLAM in its tracks. And all before our first class was over. This was going to be easy. I handed Sami the lunchbox as I opened the science-lab door.

As soon as we stepped inside I knew it was a trap. Mostly because a big mosquito net fell from the ceiling and trapped us. Sami dropped the lunchbox as she fell and it skidded across the floor. I heard Mark's Evil Scientist laugh: “Mwhahahahahahaha! Ha—suckers!”