My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (13 page)

While I dry off, I check email, and find one from Tony that sort of disputes the second printing of
Silent Bob Speaks
. I call him to find out what he’s heard, and then we get Kristin Powers on the phone and go over it until it’s very clear that we have, indeed, moved to a second printing. During that call, Jen heads off to pick Harley up.

When Jen gets back with Harley, I get dressed. The idea is to leave around five-ish, and it’s now four-ish. Chay’s gonna babysit, but she’s with Ben ‘til five, so Mewes is gonna play Nanny in the interim. As we depart, he takes Harley upstairs to either swim or play the new
Star Wars
lightsaber game.

Jen and I head over to the Fox lot and talk about marital fidelity in regards to some friends of ours the whole ride. When we pull onto the lot, we can see a party getting underway on the same street where they had the
Daredevil
première party years back. As the security guard gives us our drive-on, I ask what the shindig is, and she replies that it’s to celebrate the 350th episode of
The Simpsons
. I silently lament to myself that I won’t be able to fall asleep to a TiVo’ed version of this party as we head to the parking structure.

Hand-in-hand, Jen and I search for the Zanuck Theater. We get there a half hour before the 6:30 p.m. start time, check in, then head back outside to chitchat while Jen smokes. I love talking to Schwalbach. I can have endless conversations with her — which might have a lot to do with why I married her. After three cigarettes, we head inside to get seats.

There are about thirty-five people tops in the 400-seater. We’re told the screening’s being held for some marketing folks who are still in a meeting, so the flick begins a half-hour late. Jen and I spend the time talking about the upcoming schedule. Finally, the latecomers arrive, and the movie starts.

First off, never... never... see a movie as geeky-cool and momentous as
Revenge of the Sith
with a room full of marketing stiffs. While I “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”ed throughout the screening at stuff only the most moribund wouldn’t be able to muster the enthusiasm to scream over, I stood alone. The only tepid interactive acknowledgment this sad little group could muster was a perfunctory smattering of near-golf claps for the Fox logo at the head of the film — and even that felt forced (pun intended). But fuck ’em — their disturbing lack of faith couldn’t ruin this movie for me.

SITH
SPOILERS

You’ve been warned...

Revenge of the Sith
is, quite simply, fucking awesome. This is the
Star Wars
prequel the haters have been bitching for since
Menace
came out, and if they don’t cop to that when they finally see it, they’re lying. As dark as
Empire
was, this movie goes a thousand times darker — from the triggering of Order 66 (which has all the Shock Troopers turning on the Jedi Knights they’ve been fighting beside throughout the Clone Wars and gunning them down), to the jaw-dropping Anakin/Obi Wan fight on Mustafar (where — after cutting his legs and arm off, Ben leaves Skywalker burning alive on the shores of a lava river, with Anakin spitting venomous sentiments at his departing mentor), this flick is so satisfyingly tragic, you’ll think you’re watching
Othello
or
Hamlet
.

I saw a gorgeous digitally projected version of the flick, and lemme tell ya: this is a beautiful-looking film. The opening space battle sequence is the best in any of the six
Star Wars
movies. Grievous and Kenobi’s lightsaber duel is bad-ass, with Grievous rocking four sabers. The Clone Wars end rather early in the flick (about the halfway point), leaving the rest of the film to concentrate on Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side, and the resulting slaughter of the Jedi.

Perfect example of how dark shit gets: remember the Younglings — the kid Jedis in training from
Clones
? As a result of Order 66, when Anakin invades the Jedi Temple with an army of Clone Troopers, he enters the Council room to find a gaggle of said Younglings hiding behind the seats. They see Anakin and emerge, asking “What should we do, Master Anakin?” The query’s met with a stone-cold Anakin firing up his lightsaber. The next time you see the kids, Yoda’s sifting through their corpses on the floor.

Yes, it’s just that dark — and rightfully so. This is the birth of Darth Vader we’re talking about. The only comic moments in the flick are given to R2D2, and while good, they’re all pretty few and far between; the order of the day is dark, dark, dark.

Ian McDiarmid and Ewan McGregor steal the show, but Hayden Christensen silences any naysayers who wrote him off as too whiney in
Clones
. This is the flick that feels closest to Episodes 4, 5, and 6, because — for the first time since
Return of the Jedi
— there is a clear villain. And for all the shadow-play Palpatine has been up to in the last two flicks, his treachery is about as subtle as John Williams’ score in
Sith
. Whether he’s slowly drawing Anakin toward the Dark Side during an opera/performance art piece with his promise of the Sith’s power of life over death, or he’s engaged in a balls-to-the-wall lightsaber duel in the Senate with Yoda, his “Little, green friend” (his words, not mine — which I kinda dug, because, interestingly, I think it’s the first time anyone’s acknowledged that Yoda is green in any of the
Star Wars
flicks), this is the Emperor’s movie.

The last fifteen minutes dovetail nicely into Episode 4 (or just plain
Star Wars
for you non-geeks), and the movie is full of link-up moments as well.

At flick’s end, Threepio and Artoo are given to Captain Antilles (with the caveat that the Protocol’s memory be wiped).

The twins, natch, are split up. Leia heads to Alderann with Bail Organa, and Obi Wan hands Luke over to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru (indeed, the closing shot is Owen holding Luke while looking out over the setting suns of Tatooine — mimicking the shot of the adult Luke doing the same in
Star Wars
, complete with callback cue from Williams).

After he succumbs to the Dark Side, Anakin tries to convince Padmé that he can overthrow Palpatine, and together, he and Padmé can rule the galaxy as husband and wife.

Vader and the Emperor stand beside a younger Grand Moff Tarkin on the bridge of a Star Destroyer, overlooking the earliest construction stage of the Death Star.

Yoda telling Obi Wan that, as he heads to Tatooine to hand over Luke and go into exile, he should spend his time learning to commune with those who’ve crossed over to the next stage of life, as Yoda maintains he’s been doing with Qui Gon (and Ben will later do with both Luke and Yoda, in
Empire
and
Jedi
).

And, hands-down, the best link-up to
Star Wars
moment that I enjoyed the most: Bail Organa and Yoda stepping into the hallway of the Rebel Blockade
Runner that opened
Star Wars
. Unlike all the high-tech CGI wizardry of the rest of the prequel Trilogy, this is a low-tech looking set, right out of circa ‘77, and for some reason, it really captured my imagination. I mean, this is the same exact hallway in which we got our first look at Vader, oh so many years ago, and I appreciated the hell out of Mr. Lucas including it — because it really felt like a nod to the hardcores.

Look, this is a movie I was genetically predisposed to love. I remember being eight years old and reading in
Starlog
that Darth Vader became the half-man/half-machine he was following a duel with Ben Kenobi that climaxed with Vader falling into molten lava. Now, twenty-six years later, I finally got to see that long-promised battle — and it lived up to any expectation I still held. I was sad to see the flick end, but happy to know it’s not the end of the
Star Wars
universe entirely (I’ve read stuff about a TV show...).

Sith
doesn’t happen;
Sith
rules.

Following the flick, we head home to relieve Chay of her charge who, for the first time in months, has opted to sleep in her own bed... alone. Jen and I chitchat with Chay up in the living room, and I hug her goodbye, as she’s leaving in the morning to go to Toronto with Ben for the
Truth, Justice, and the American Way
[later retitled
Hollywoodland
] shoot. I’ll miss her.

Jen and I lock up the house and head to bed, where we fall asleep watching TiVo’ed
Simpsons
— six years down, a lifetime to go.

Tuesday 26 April 2005 @ 11:15 p.m.

Harley wakes us up at 5:30 a.m., and wisely, Jen musters the enthusiasm to praise her for sleeping in her own bed throughout the night. I hear mention of a celebratory cake as I fade back to sleep.

Jen wakes me at about quarter to eight, informing me that I’ll be driving Harley to school. I finally climb out of bed around eight, throw on some clothes, kiss the wife, and bring Harley to school, with Mulder in tow. We listen to ‘Walking in Memphis’ on the short drive.

I call Jen and let her know I’m gonna stop down at the office to go over the second half of the
Mallrats
re-cut. I tinker with the flick some more, swap out a few more shots, go over the eight-minute blooper/outtakes reel, and lock it up for the Universal folks.

I call Jen again, and tell her to get dressed so we can grab some grub. On the drive to the house, I chat with Jenno about
Catch
stuff, then pick up Jen and head to the Griddle. While we eat, Phil Benson calls to tell me Rick McCallum wants to know how I liked
Sith
(Phil worked Skywalker Sound for years, so he’s tight with all those cats). I tell Phil to pass on the message that I loved it, and he says Rick might be calling me later.

While we eat, Jen and I are joined by Matt Kawczynski and his girlfriend, who’re meeting Brian Lynch for breakfast. The cell rings, and it’s Rick McCallum, so I step away from the table and enthuse about the movie to Rick for a while. I tell him I’ll see him at the Lucasfilm/MTV screening up at the Ranch on the 6th, and he asks if we’ve booked our rooms yet. I tell him we’ll probably stay in San Francisco and drive in, but he graciously offers me a room on property at the Ranch. Having stayed there many times during the
Dogma
,
Strike Back
, and
Jersey Girl
sound mixes, I gladly accept.

Lynch arrives, and I tell him about
Sith
before Malcolm and Andre appear. We chit-chat for a minute before Jen and I have to head to Bristol Farms for some cake mix and steaks.

Post-Bristol, I talk to our Miramax exec Jon Gordon on the cell while Jen runs in to Ralph’s to get the strawberry cake mix Bristol didn’t carry. Jon and I get done talking just as Jen emerges from the store, and we head home.

I jump in the shower and air dry in front of the computer until the door rings. I buzz up
Donnie Darko
director Richard Kelly, get dressed, and meet him upstairs on the patio deck. We’re talking about the
Southland Tales
graphic novels he wants to do in advance of the flick, and I’m giving him all the comics publishing insight I have, pitching him to let me and Bob Chapman publish the books through a Graphitti/View Askew imprint. Mewes joins us for a few minutes to ask if I want to attend the
House of Wax
première (which I do). Following that, Bob Chapman shows up with a bunch of samples of the various hardcovers and trade paperbacks he’s made over the years. I turn Richard over to Bob while I prep the filets for the grill.

Over lunch, we continue talking about the joint publishing venture, what it’ll cost, and what Richard’s looking for in the way of artists. Richard has a meeting to get to, so he heads off, and Chappy and I sit around and talk about the
Mallrats
ticket pickup, and check out the new ‘Truth or Date’ laniards we’ve introduced at Stash West in time for the
Rats
screening.

Chappy heads off, and I check my messages. Jen’s left to pick up Harley between school and gymnastics, so I use the down time to check email and make some calls. I give Jeff Anderson a shout to see if he’s around to grab this gift I picked up for him. He is, so I head out, passing Jen in the process, who’s off to make the Harley Congrats for Sleeping in Your Own Bed cake.

I take Scully and Mulder with me and head over to the Valley. On the way, I return Susanah’s call, and we talk about
Catch
. I call Jeff for more specific directions to his place, then see him waving me down outside his building. I give him his present, chit-chat for a bit, then head back home. On the ride, I talk to Matty from Alice about the re-scheduled radio gig I’m gonna be doing Saturday night.

As I pull up to the house, I notice it’s time to grab Harley from school, so I call Jen to see if she wants to take a ride with me. She joins me, we pick up Harley, and try to get home through LA rush hour traffic. Mewes calls me to see if I’m going to
House of Wax
, but I decline, as I’ve got something else to do: which is drop wife, kid, and dogs off at the house, then head to the airport to pick up Byron and Gail, who’re arriving from Florida.

On the way to the airport, I go through my iPod, looking for tunes we’ll use as bumpers for the radio show. I find Gail waiting outside the American arrivals terminal, and we loop the airport a few times, as Byron waits for the bag. Once he’s secured, we head back home.

Jen’s ordered pizza for dinner, so the family sits down to a cake with two candles, celebrating Harley’s conquest of her bedroom last night, and what we hope will be tonight as well. We chow down and chit-chat about Florida and the upcoming Vancouver trip. I kiss Harley g’night and head downstairs, nursing a sudden headache.

I check a little email, then curl up and watch some
Simpsons
while my head throbs. Jen arrives in the room from putting Harley to sleep, and checks email while riding the couch. I fall asleep only to be woken up by Jen around 10:30 p.m., moving me to a less-bed-hoggy position. I get up, take some aspirin, then go back to sleep, hand on my beautiful wife’s back, head in agony.