My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (12 page)

Yummy arrives, and I dig in while I play some UB. After Trish leaves, I join Jen upstairs, and she makes cookies while we chit-chat. Following that, we hit the living room couch and watch some more
Dynasty
until I start dozing off — which now reminds me of being a kid and the many times my Mom would fall asleep on the couch watching
Dynasty
beneath this home-made afghan that laid across the back of our living room couch for years,
Roseanne
-style, before there ever was a
Roseanne
. Jen wakes me up and says we should go to bed (as I used to wake my Mom up and tell her to go to bed) and we head downstairs to fall asleep to some TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Saturday 23 April 2005 @ 11:31 p.m.

Harley gets me up at 6:45 a.m. I’m starting to group her in with the Alarm Mutts. I bring the dogs and Harley upstairs, my laptop under my arm. I let the dogs out, give Harley some milk and cookies for breakfast, and we head into the living room, opting for a first-time viewing (for her) of
The Karate Kid
. While Daniel-San learns the ways of the Force from Mr. Miyagi, I play UB. Harley loves the flick, and by the end, she’s ready to go right into
Part II
. I suggest we skip to the fourth flick (in which Mr. Miyagi tutors Hillary Swank), but Harley — like all of us when we first peeped
KK
— has a thing for Ralph Macchio, so the much less engaging
KK2
it is.

Reyna and her boys Kevin and Hans show up, so Quinnster’s off for the day. I take UB with me to the bathroom for what’s not the eleven o’clock, late-morning shit. While in the upstairs can, I hear the half-awake Jen muttering about a broken sprinkler head that’s gushing water all over the street outside. Through the bathroom door, I tell her that in my present condition — mid-shit — I can’t do anything about it. Somehow, she handles it herself.

I join Jenny downstairs in the bedroom and lay on the bed playing UB, while she rides the couch checking email. Some TiVo’ed
Simpsons
act as white noise in the background. She’s sweating getting a ride to Lisa Roumain’s tonight for a little Coral Springs High-transplants get-together. Mewes IMs me, increasingly amused with how much time I’m spending on UB, and also offers to bring home some Coffee Bean for Jen.

I’m recruited to be the pick-up ride from Lisa’s, post-party. I say it’s gonna cost her in sex dollars, which Jen offers up. But I’m so full-tilt on UB that I forget to take her up on it. Then, Mewes and Chay arrive, thus killing any chances I’ve got at last-minute nookie as well. Jen signs Mewes up as the ride for her, Chay and Harley to Lisa’s, and with that out of the way, the wife starts concentrating on the Festival of Books thing that’s in two hours. Jen, Chay and Jay are all yammering on the couch in our room while I start dumping hands, chasing like a motherfucker — which bugs me only because I was doing so well all morning. Finally, I somehow find the self-control to close the laptop and head to the shower. At this point, I’ve been playing UB for eight hours straight.

As I’m showering, Jen pops her head in to tell me she’s heading over to the Festival of Books with Chay, Harley, Kevin and Hans. We’re taking separate cars so nobody has to be at the mercy of my schedule). I get out of the shower, and as I air dry at my desk-top computer, I check the board and peep the link to Kirk Cameron’s wacky Jesus website. Fuck, does that guy love the Lord — in that awesome way that makes a motherfucker judgmental and sad. He’s become one of those people who try to make the Bible say what they want it to say, and are way into telling people that they’re sinners if they don’t believe what he believes. I say the real sin is that flick he did,
Like Father, Like Son
. Still, the dude runs a camp for terminally ill kids, so he can’t be all bad; just misled. At this point, I’m kinda dry, so I stop caring about Kirk’s issues and get dressed and head out.

Jen and Chay call me while I’m en route to UCLA to tell me Sunset’s jammed and at a stand-still, due to a faulty traffic light. I take some back roads and sidestep the gridlock, and get to the school five minutes into my one-hour on stage. Jen, Chay, Harley, Kevin, Hans and I dash for Royce Hall, where I’m checked in and loaded onto an extra-long golf cart with the crew. They drop us at the foot of the stage, and I step up and do my Q&A thing for an hour to a nice, juicy crowd. Following that, I do a signing for a capped-line 100 people, offering more signing time at the Stash to anyone who didn’t get served. The score of the day, though, is a ripe-for-the-framing sweet-ass blow-up of the
Speaks
book cover that I ask for and get. Jen and crew take it home with them as they head off. When I’m done signing, I head off as well, but to the Stash.

I sign at the Stash for about an hour and change, then chit-chat with Chappy about the new
Rats
book and other publishing stuff. Following that, I make for home, stopping at Quizno’s for a Steakhouse Beef Dip and then next door at the pizza place for a calzone (in case I’m not feeling sandwich-y when I get home).

While en route, I call both Brian O’Halloran and Jeff Anderson to talk about the
Clerks 2
move, and both fellas are awfully gracious about it. They’re not only excellent actors, but excellent friends who’re very supportive to boot. Jeff and I wind up talking about photography, and Jeff suggests he do a series of behind-the-scenes shots on
Clerks 2
with this Holga camera he’s really into. I take it a step further and suggest he not only do that, but that we also publish a book of the pics when he’s done. We talk about the next flick he’s gonna direct, post
Passion
and, mid-convo, I decide I’ve gotta get some gifts for him and Brian for being so cool about what I promise is the last schedule change.

On the way home from Quizno’s, I tear into my Beef Dip. Once home, I hit the shitter with my
Catch
script and start highlighting my lines for tomorrow’s read-thru — an actorly pastime I’ve never really had to engage in before. When I get out of the bathroom, I hear Mewes bombing around upstairs, so I grab my calzone and laptop and join him in the living room. The plan is that we’re gonna watch
Clone Wars
and play UB, but we wind up splitting the calzone and quietly playing UB without TV accompaniment, updating each other on our plays. Over the course of an hour or so, I turn $350 into $1000 before Chay calls to say they’re all ready for pickup.

Mewes is in the middle of a tourney when we leave, but he’s got a Sprint card that allows him to get online via his cell phone, so he brings his laptop with him in the car. We head deep into the Valley out by the Topanga exit and I swing into Lisa and Greg’s place to say hi and grab my girls while Mewes throws down UB in the car. I carry Harley out, say g’night, and drive us all back to the house.

Jen puts Harley to sleep on our couch, as per usual. Chay sleeps over in Harley’s room, and Mewes heads upstairs to play more UB and watch
Elektra
. I continue highlighting my script for a bit before cuddling up with Schwalbach and some TiVo’ed
Simpsons
, during which I fall asleep.

Sunday 24 April 2005 @ 11:31 p.m.

The heat wakes me up at three in the morning. I get up to shut it off and grab some water, but I can’t fall back asleep. I opt to hit the desk-top and check the board to see what the reaction to the Festival of Books appearance was like. After doing that for a bit, I check email and update the diary.

I’m updating the diary from last weekend (the Poetry Event weekend), when I wind up going into rather blue detail about my sex life with Jen. Ironically, in writing about jerking off into her asshole (not inside, mind you; more against), I get turned on and decide to tug one out. Following that, I lay down again at about six-thirty in the morning, amused at how snake-eating-its-tail that spank was.

I wake up again at a little after nine, realizing I’ve now got less than an hour to shit, shower, shave and get over to Santa Monica for the
Catch & Release
read. I’m out of the house at five to ten, speeding down La Brea to the 10. Thankfully, there’s very little Sunday morning traffic, and I make it to Casa Del Mar in fifteen minutes. As I’m about to pull up to the hotel, Jenno calls me to see where I am. I wave to her from my truck, hand it over to the valet guy, give her a hug and head into the read. Mercifully, I’m not the last person to arrive.

I give Susanah a hug, then meet Timothy Olyphant and the guy who plays Dennis to my Sam (whose name I don’t wanna drop because I’m not sure if he’s been announced yet, and I don’t wanna ruin his chances of getting some
Variety
ink by spoiling it here). I re-meet Matt Tolmach (the president of production over at Columbia who I met years ago when he was working at Turner Pictures and I almost rewrote a script there) and Amy Pascal (Chair of the Sony Pictures Motion Pictures group) and say hi to a lot of other folks before we sit down at a long conference table to read, following the arrival of Jen Garner. We go around the room introducing ourselves, and dig into the script.

The read goes really well. I could listen to Olyphant read the phone book. The actress who’s gonna play a character Sam gets involved with named Maureen isn’t there for the read, so this actress stands in for her, and man is she good, great comedic timing. When it wraps up, Susanah thanks everybody and I say a bunch of goodbyes before heading outside with Jenno who delicately lets me know that there are those within the production that are made a bit nervous about the fact that I blog so, shall we say, intricately. I reassure her that I blog about my life, not other cats, and insist I’ll use discretion when it comes to writing about my time on
Catch
.

With that in mind, I won’t detail for you all the untoward comments made during the read by Garner about non-whites.

Kidding, of course.

While waiting for the car, I chat up Olyphant about his kids and thank Deb Aquila again for the kind words and vote of confidence. The paparazzi are in full stalk mode, waiting for Garner, but it’s only three and they’re apparently easy to ditch, as we watch them tear ass up the street to their cars, having missed Jen’s secret exit. Some folks cluck their tongues in that “what a shame...” fashion, but it’s hard to join in. Once you’ve seen paparazzi rent a helicopter to get pics of Ben in Central Park or watched fifty or more snappers come at JLo from out of nowhere like ninjas, three easily-ditched lens-crafters look less like an imposition and more like Moe, Larry and Curly.

I stop at the Vans store near the promenade, but alas, they’ve got no sizes in the style I want in stock. So I head back to the 10, grab some Quizno’s, and speed home to find Jen, Harley, Chay and Jay chilling out by the pool. Soon after, Malcolm and his friend and producer Andre join us, and while margaritas are mixed, some poker ensues. Mewes turns the game into a tourney instead, and I donk out pretty quickly (pocket Kings vs. what turns out to be Malcolm’s As and 8s), opting to head downstairs to grab some shut-eye. I play UB ‘til I doze off, with Harley drawing in bed beside me, watching
SpongeBob
.

I wake up around six-thirty and head upstairs, over-tired and cranky that the party’s still in full-swing. Renee Humphrey has joined the fun, but despite my fondness for her, I chase everybody out so I can grab some downtime with the wife. Chay stays to go swimming with Harley, and I go downstairs with Jen to do some ‘night-swimming’ of our own.

We emerge from the room an hour later and Jen sets about the task of getting Harley ready for bed while I clean up the living room. Scully’s gotten at the ice cream and sour cream that folks left too close to the floor, so I throw out the remnants and give that bitch a dirty look as she stares up at me, guiltily (and blankly), from her Scully bed.

I head downstairs to Harley’s room and walk in on Chay, getting into her pjs. We’re both pretty embarrassed, but I assure her that I only saw one boob; it doesn’t count unless the set are peeped. Chay’s gonna sleep over with Harley, so they retire to Jay’s room. Jay’s gone out to some charity auction where you bid on girls, so it’s not likely he’s gonna be back any time soon. Jen and I kiss Harley g’night and head upstairs.

As I lay on the bed checking email and the board and IM’ing with Annie, Jen works on a writing project she’s been putting together. We watch
Dynasty
until we can’t take it anymore, then collapse into bed together to some TiVo’ed
Simpsons
, during which we fall asleep, minutes before our anniversary kicks in.

Monday 25 April 2005 @ 11:07 p.m.

I get up around five-ish, unable to sleep. The dogs aren’t even up yet, and I toy with the notion of waking ’em up just to show ’em how it feels. But figuring that since they’re dogs, the irony would be lost on ’em, I instead head to my office and put an anniversary post up for Jen, then check email.

The security system, in it’s Hal-like tone, says: “Front Entry Door”, so I look out my balcony to see Chay shuffling off. I call down to her to ask if Harley’s awake yet and Chay whisper-shouts up that she’s still sleeping. I tell her goodbye,
and go back to checking email. Mom has sent me an iTunes Gift Certificate for the anniversary, which I redeem (she’d already sent Jen wine last week for the anniversary).

Harley shows up in our room around 7:30 a.m. I let her in and send her to Jen, who wakes up and shuffles to my office to wish me a Happy Anniversary, first verbally then with a smooch.

I get dressed and drop Harley off at school. Jen opted against Coffee Bean or McDonald’s, so I head right back home afterwards. On my way past the library, I snag
Phantom Menace
and
Attack of the Clones
and bring them to our room. Jen gives them the nod and I throw my woobs back on, climb onto the bed with my computer while Jen rides the couch with hers, and we start our pre-
Sith
film festival.

With pauses to answer the door (Fed-Ex, the mail delivery, flowers from Byron and Gail, a muffin basket from my brother and Jerry), the phone (Scott, Raskind, Tony and sundry other well-wishers), and to chat with Mewes (who brought Jen some Coffee Bean and Baja Fresh), we get done with the flicks around 2:30 p.m. Jen’s now completely refreshed on pre-
New Hope Star Wars
and ready for
Sith
. She jumps in the shower, and when she’s done, I follow suit.