My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (16 page)

I finish with some stuff about Mewes’s battle with drugs and dovetail into the bit about Jen and the
Playboy
spread. I go a little longer than five minutes, but I end on an insanely high note and leave ’em laughing.

I don’t know why I feel so proud of it all, as it’s the smallest room I’ve worked in years (mind you, the average college gig is about 800 to 1000 now). I guess it’s because when I hit a stage for a Q&A, the deck is stacked in my favor, as (presumably) all in attendance are fans of the flicks I’ve done, hence are predisposed to root for me. This place, though? While some folks may have seen one or more of the flicks I’ve done, they didn’t come to see me speak about what it’s like to make movies; they just came to laugh. And I was able to make ’em laugh, even without the deck being stacked in my favor (although years of honing that Q&A material and style certainly didn’t hurt). The whole night was fun and reinvigorating.

Post-show, I say g’bye to Andy and walk out with Garlin. We talk about the show, as well as
Curb
, and then I turn him over to a group of his friends, get in my car, and head home.

I find Jen up in the kitchen, emailing with the Toronto-imprisoned Chay, and we chit-chat for a bit while I make chicken salad. Angel the hamster’s wheel is making a big racket, so I find a way to fix it with some tape, then head downstairs to throw on the woobs and grab
National Treasure
for Jen and I to watch up in the living room theater on the projection system. Halfway through, we’re both feeling kinda tired, so we head downstairs and fall asleep to some TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Monday 2 May 2005 @ 10:54 p.m.

I’m about a week behind on this, so if it’s a little threadbare, you’re gonna have
to excuse me, as I’ve forgotten stuff.

Wake up to a face-licking by Scully. I head upstairs, let the dogs out, take a leak, then head to my office to update the blog, check email, and work on the
Rolling Stone
Vader piece.

Jen gets Harley ready, and since Byron and Gail aren’t back from Big Bear yet, I drop her off at school and grab some McDonald’s for Jen and I. While I’m in the parking lot, I do a phone-in with Sarah and Matty on the Alice Morning Show for a post-mortem on our weekend radio gig. What was gonna be ten minutes turns into forty-five, and we talk about a bunch of stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with the Saturday night show, including a poignant story about JLo and an unfortunate lack of toilet paper.

I head back home and get to work in my office. I IM back and forth with a few folks, including Ming — who relates the post-
Sith
review traffic info. He tells me to Google ‘Kevin Smith Sith Review’ and see all the links already out there. I do, and notice that there’s one to
RottenTomatoes.com
. I click on it and find a message board — which is news to me, as I never knew Rotten Tomatoes to be anything more than a site that collects reviews. I read the thread and find, amidst a bunch of positive and negative comments about me and the review, a post from some jackass who’s spouting off completely untrue bullshit about the box office of my flicks. So I put aside the
Rolling Stone
article to compose a response.

Here is said response (inclusive of the original post)...

Raziel wrote:

Originally Posted by Raziel

A couple of things....

1) Kevin Smith’s review of
EPIII
can only be regarded as biased.

This is true. While it should probably go without saying, yes — my take on
Sith
is tainted by the fact that I like all the
Star Wars
films.

Raziel wrote:

He has gushed over
EPI
and
EPII
in the past and we know what happened with those films.

We do: those films were liked by some and not liked by others. This represented a development heretofore never recorded in over 100 years of cinema history.

Raziel wrote:

And aside from his zealot like devotion to the franchise, Kevin Smith has pretty poor taste in films.

I can’t argue with this, as taste in film (and everything else in life) is pretty subjective. Yes, I’ve liked some pretty crappy flicks (
The Cutting Edge
is in my top 200). However, if this helps anyone get a better idea of the stuff I’m into, my top five favorite films of all time (in no particular order) are
Jaws
,
JFK
,
A Man for All Seasons
,
Do the Right Thing
, and
The Last Temptation of Christ
. The next three would be
The Talented Mr. Ripley
,
Citizen Kane
,
Jerry Maguire
. I’m still trying to figure out the last two to round off my top ten. Curiously, there are no
Star Wars
films in what is, thus far, the top eight.

Raziel wrote:

The man hasn’t been able to create a decent film in years.

Also extremely subjective. That part about me being a man, I mean.

However, some (like me) could debate the poster’s take on whether or not I’ve made a decent film “in years” or not. While the poster may not harbor any affection for my recent body of work, I can point him to a website full of people who’d disagree with him, or critics (both in print and on the web) who’d follow suit. In truth, it’s probably more likely that the poster — a one Raziel, which I’m assuming is a ‘net handle, because said poster feels the need to shield his secret identity from enemies who’d seek to do his loved ones harm — hasn’t made a decent film (or any film, for that matter) in years, while I (like every filmmaker who’s come before me and every filmmaker who’ll come after me) have made films that have been considered to be shit by some and decent by others.

Raziel wrote:

His films combined have lost more money than they have grossed.

This is where the poster reveals him or herself (oh, fuck it — it’s gotta be a guy; no woman could be this petty and sad) to be full of shit, because this statement is patently untrue.

Clerks

Cost: $27,575, Theatrical Gross: $3.1 million, VHS (DVD figures not available): $6.169 mill.

Mallrats

Cost: $6 million, Theatrical Gross: $2.1 million, DVD: Universal declines to issue figures, but Colleen Benn at Universal Home Video says, very coyly “Let’s put it this way; we’re doing a second version of the DVD. We only do that with titles that sell a lot.
Fast Times
,
Animal House
,
Jaws
, now
Mallrats
.”

Chasing Amy
:

Cost: $250,000, Theatrical Gross: $12 million, DVD: $12 million.

Dogma

Cost: $10 million, Theatrical Gross: $30 million, DVD: Col/Tri declines to give financial figures, but Michael Stradford informs me that they shipped 800,000 of the standard edition of the DVD, and over 300,000 of the Special Edition, one year later.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Cost: $20 million, Theatrical Gross: $30 million, DVD: $38.5 million

Jersey Girl

Cost: $35 million, Theatrical Gross: $25 million, DVD: Financials not available, but Miramax Home Video head Shannon McIntosh informs me that we shipped over half a million units in the first week.

Even when you factor in P&A and marketing costs, it doesn’t require (good) Will Hunting to do the math and see that the poster’s statement that my films have “lost more money than they have grossed” is an ignorant crock of shit.

Raziel wrote:

Smith is also rumored to be involved in the upcoming
SW
TV series project. Do you honestly think he would jeopardize his involvement with this by posting a bad or medoicre review of
EPIII
??? I don’t think so.

Perhaps. Or before Fox Mulder here works himself into a frenzy with his conspiracy theory, might I suggest that if I, indeed, didn’t like the flick, that I simply wouldn’t have posted about seeing it in the first place.

See, in my world, if I don’t like something, I try not to call attention to it. If I feel something sucks, I don’t waste my time writing about it, unless I’m getting paid to state my opinion on the subject, or unless I’m asked about my take on it specifically (as with the
Magnolia
incident on my website, eons ago). The way-cool named Raziel holds forth on the subject of me and my flicks (even though, as he’d lead you to believe, he’s not a fan) and as far as I know, nobody asked him his opinion, and he’s not getting paid to offer it. This leads me to believe that Raziel — bad-ass name that, no-doubt, impresses chicks nothwithstanding — has a lot of free time on his hands; free time that would be better spent producing something rather than attempting to belittle those who do produce, or, say, chasing pussy. But no — here he sits, poo-pooing this film or that, as time marches on, bringing him ever closer to the grave and a legacy of invective-layered posts on a website.

Raziel wrote:

Smith is not a good candidate to use as a borometer for this film.

True enough — just as Raziel is not a good candidate for master speller (bator? Yes; speller? No).

Raziel wrote:

I’d wait until an unbiased review is posted...

Wait for what, exactly, I find myself wondering?

Raziel wrote:

Or even better, watch the movie yourself and create your own opinion.

Finally, a glimmer of intelligence from our hero.

Raziel wrote:

Also, as pointed out by someone else, what the hell is up with all the “darkness” crap?? “This is going to be the darkest
SW
yet!” “This one’s darker than the last one!”.... What is this??? Who cares if it’s darker or not? Does “darkness” guarantee a quality film???

No. And yet, nobody maintained that “darkness” guaranteed a quality film. Raziel responds to an idea that nobody put forward, apparently falling into debate with himself.

Again, folks — I can’t make anyone love me or the movies I’ve made (and will continue to make, long after the fire in the belly of the twelve year-old Raziel subsides). However, I can correct misinformation like Raziel’s loopy and uninformed take on the box office of the films I’ve made. Even though some would consider it a waste of my time, I’ve always felt that if I can’t spare a few minutes to show up the jackasses in life, I’m not living to my fullest potential.

Yours,

Kevin Smith

When I’m done with that, I write about 750 words for the
Rolling Stone
piece and then email it to Jim, the
Rolling Stone
editor, to see if it’s what he’s looking for.

Jen puts Harley down on our couch while I continue working in my office. I put on Harley’s sleeping music, and Jen heads upstairs. Harley’s not sleepy in the least, so we chit-chat a bit until the phone rings. It’s Byron, telling me they’re pulling up outside. Harley asks who it was, and I tell her Nana and Poppy are home. She asks if she can come downstairs to see them, and I say yeah. We get downstairs and Byron’s immobile in the back of the truck. When he throws his back out like this, everything except laying down hurts him. Harley takes Louis’s leash, and Byron rolls to the edge of the back of the SUV. He leans on me and we slowly make our way into their room and get him up on the bed. Gail intercoms Jen upstairs while I park and unload the truck.

I head to Rite Aid to grab a urinal and bed pan for the bed-ridden Byron, just in case he’s in too much pain to get up ‘til he gets in to see the doctor. I also grab some Carl’s Jr. for him and Gail, and some chocolate (for the period-ravaged Jen).

I get back home, give Byron his gear and his cheeseburger and head upstairs, thinking about how comfort food really lives up to its name — as Byron rarely eats cheeseburgers (he’s a health-nut), but was pretty happy to suck one down tonight, to take his mind off the pain. Upstairs, I give Gail her cheeseburger and Jen her chocolate and fries. The girls chit-chat while I suck back my chicken breast and the dogs look on, jealous. Gail heads downstairs, and Jen and I watch some tube while I respond to posts on the
RottenTomatoes.com
forum. I head to the bathroom downstairs and continue answering posts for a while.

When I get out of the bathroom, Jen’s downstairs and in bed already. I climb in bed beside her and continue posting ‘til three, outlasting everyone else in the forum and responding to every question before finally going to sleep.

Tuesday 3 May 2005 @ 11:02 p.m.

We all sleep in, and it’s 9:30 a.m. before Jen rousts me out of bed to take Quinnster to school. Since she’s late, I have to walk her in through the front office and the pre-K classes, which is always a bit harrowing, because you detour through their bathroom with the pint-size toilets to get to the outside campus, and every once in awhile, a little shaver’s sitting there, taking a dump, asking if you’ll wipe them. Thankfully, there are no shitters on the bowls today, so I get Harley to her class, kiss her g’bye, and head out. I call Jen to see if she wants to grab breakfast.

Jen meets me in front of the house, and we head to the Griddle, where we run into Brian and Matt. We spend the meal talking about the radio show and the latest bad bit of business to befall Bryan Johnson’s ex, Suzanne. I get a call from Gail who tells me CNN has called to see if I’ll jump on that
Showbiz
show again and talk about
Sith
.

Post-breakfast, Jen and I head over to Pico, and I hit Laser Blazer while Jen hits that girl store a few doors down. Since I’ve already grabbed a bunch of titles that streeted this week last week, my haul’s kinda slim. I chat with Ron, and as I leave, I chat with Ron’s mom outside. Then, I grab Jen who’s bought this awesome Lois Lane t-shirt, and we head back home so I can work on the
Rolling Stone Sith
piece. I’m getting frantic calls from Tony Angelotti, my publicist, who’s getting frantic calls from Jim, the
Rolling Stone
editor, who’s now getting really panicky about not having the piece yet, because they go to press this week. On the way home, we stop in Westwood to peep out a hotel Xtian’s gonna board his brood in for the first two weeks when he arrives in LA, while they search for an apartment. It’s not a shit-hole, so I call X to let him know.