My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (32 page)

I head to the makeup trailer, where Margaret asks me if I’ve loaded up her iPod yet as she does my makeup (I haven’t). Little Josh shows up, and as his birthday is looming, I give him a couple of
Star Wars
figures I picked up for him at Toys ‘R Us the other day. Then, Lori pops her head in to inform me that I may be wrapped soon. My eyes nearly bug out of my head, as I haven’t shot anything yet. Suddenly, I’m filled with hope that I can get out of the woods and back to my on-the-edge wife. Sure enough, Lori tells me they’re moving onto other scenes that don’t involve me, so I can head back to the hotel. I gear up and grab a ride back to town.

I surprise Schwalbach, who’s in her pjs, curled up with some gossip rags by the window, smoking and nursing her third Stella Artois beer. Since it’s so early, we opt to head back to the hotel, and take the hour-plus ride home, listening to the rest of
Terrors of Pleasure
and giggling

We get back to the hotel and dive into our room, hoping to avoid Quinnster for a little while so we can play some cards and watch
The Jacket
. I’m kicking much ass in Rummy, when Jen orders a cheese platter. Fifteen minutes later, we hear the knock at the door. When I open the door to get the cheese platter, I come eye-to-eye with a shocked Quinnster, who’s riding her bike in the hotel hallway, aided by Gail. The kid’s like “Daddy?! What are you doing here?!” and I play it off like we just got home. Jen comes out and we both hug the kid and tell her we’ll come get her in twenty minutes.

Busted, Jen and I finish our Rummy game, while she goes through her cheese platter. Then Jen goes to get Harley, and takes her to her bedroom to read a
Junie B.
book to her, while I finish watching
The Jacket
— a flick Jen’s lost interest in.

A half hour later, I find myself under attack, as Jen and Harley are playing Tickle Monster, and I’ve become the focus. I give back as good as I get, and tickle the fuck out of that kid. Then, she’s off to sleep at Nan and Pop’s room, and Jen and I launch into another game of Rummy, while watching
Cursed
. I’m half in the game, as I’m loading Margaret’s new iPod with tunes, so Jen beats the pants off me. When the flick ends, we head to the bedroom and continue watching
Larry Flynt
, to which we fall asleep.

Tuesday 28 June 2005 @ 11:29 p.m.

Jen wakes me up at eight. She’s already showered and getting ready to head back to Squamish. I jump in the shower, take a leak, get dried and dressed, and we head out.

On the under-an-hour drive up (I’m a hardcore speeder), we listen to the first half of Spalding Gray’s
Monster in a Box
. When we get up to the town of Squamish, we stop by McDonald’s for a sausage egg McMuffin for me and some hash browns for Jen. While I’m looking at the board, I remember the many conversations with Jen Garner about the McGriddle, and how intrigued she is by the concept. My point to her has been “Now’s the time to eat weird shit you’d never normally eat,” but she seems too disciplined to go out and buy true junk food for herself, even in her current condition. So I grab a couple McGriddles to bring to set for her, and then Schwalbach and I begin the half hour journey from the center of town to the circus, getting lost a bit on the way.

We get to set, and I pass off the McGriddles to her security man, Walt, to give to Garner while she’s in hair/makeup. I get Jen situated in the trailer, password her into the WiFi system, put on
Hysterical Blindness
for her, and head to the vanities.

As I head back to my trailer, Walt hands me the empty McDonald’s bag, informing me Garner’s left a note inside. I peep the note, which reads: “I heart K.S.”

Get back to my trailer and get into the wardrobe. Chit-chat with Jen for a bit before I’m summoned to the set for a blocking rehearsal.

I climb into a little ATV and am whisked through the woods on tiny trails that lead to the shore of a river and mountain affair that can only be described as magnificent. I hate the great outdoors but even I was taken aback by the beauty of the living picture postcard we were standing within.

Ben’s there as well, and we chit-chat for a minute or two before it’s time to block a scene in which Garner, Tim, Sam, Juliette, Josh and I pull up and get out, readying for our day of fishing. It’s the first time Garner, Tim, Sam and I are back in the car since the unpleasantness, so everyone’s on their best behavior.

After we block the pull-up, Susannah and John decide to shoot a piece of me and Sam pulling stuff out of the back of the car first, so the crew sets up for that. I stand around smoking and jawing with Sam and Susannah ‘til we shoot a few takes. I’m not needed in the next shot, so I catch a ride back to the circus.

I get to the trailer, and Jen’s on her second flick of the day (
Wait Until Dark
). We crack open a game of Rummy and finish it before I’m called back to the set for another set-up: the background of Garner’s coverage. After that, I head back to the trailer again and start another game with Jen.

Lunch is called and Schwalbach and I high-tail it into town for some Quizno’s. Lunch is only a half hour, which usually means forty-five minutes. Regardless, I’m speeding through the woods like a madman so as to avoid getting in trouble for being late or holding up the shoot. We get back to the circus just in time, and I head to the vanities for a touch-up, telling Margaret that her iPod’s all loaded and ready to go. As I head back to my trailer, she heads to the bathroom, before swinging back to my trailer to pick it up. There, she says hi to Jen, and seems taken aback a bit upon seeing her. I interpret this as the reaction some folks get when they meet Jen for the first time: it’s this look that seems to say “Oh... THIS is your wife? Waitaminute: she’s way too pretty for you. Are you sure this isn’t a high-class call girl you’ve rented for the day?” Margaret goes, and I head back to the set for more shooting.

The rest of the day is spent getting into and out of the car. Susannah adds a little campfire bit, during which Josh and I improvise a lightsaber duel (the kid LOVES
Star Wars
). It’s an unscripted, undialogued scene, so during the three takes, we’re supposed to have a conversation amongst ourselves. I’m flabbergasted at how lost everyone gets without a script — me included. I throw out a convo starter to Tim-as-Fritz, and get nothing, and I mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G, back in return — so much so that I have to work his stoic silence into the scene, lest it be weird. When we cut, I harass him about leaving me in the acting equivalent of a hanging high-five, and he tells me he was thinking about a few different responses and wound up going with none. All three takes are funny in how quiet they are, but drop the sound out and cover ’em up with music in a montage piece, and they’d be totally usable.

Ben and Jen have some visitors on the set today: Joe Kindregan (a young man who is battling the genetic disease A-T) and family. I’d met the Kindregans on
Jersey Girl
, so I head over to say hi and chit-chat for a few, before heading to blocking for the last scene of the day.

Once we’re done shooting, I head back to the vanities, get my shit off, then race back to the trailer to collect Jen and get the fuck out of Dodge.

We stop at the hotel to pack up the shit we’d left there last night and check out. The lady at the front desk tells me
Dogma
is her son’s favorite movie, and I restrain myself from telling her the chick who was working the desk when we checked in was a total douche.

Jen and I hit the McDonald’s drive-thru, then shoot back to the city, listening to the rest of
Monster in a Box
.

We get to the hotel and throw on the woobs, play Tickle Monster with Harley a bit, and have an ice fight, during which Schwalbach and Quinnster are trying to slip ice down my shirt. I hide in the closet for ten minutes to avoid this. The game wraps, and Jen reads Harley a book before putting her to bed.

Jen and I retire to the living room to engage in some Rummy and put on the ESPN poker show
Tilt
, which proves to be a guilty pleasure. We watch a few episodes before moving it into the bedroom, falling asleep to the show.

Wednesday 29 June 2005 @ 11:31 p.m.

Jen and I get up at seven, shit, shower, and shoot out the hotel, heading back to Squamish for the final day of shooting.

On the ride up, I call Marty at the Vancouver Film School to go over the Q&A deal we’re throwing the school’s way. We sold them a block of tickets at a discount, which officially sells out the floor of the Vogue, and forces us to open up the balcony for sales. The plan all along had been to just sell the seats down below and not open up the balcony, but now we’re well into selling those seats too.

I get to set, drop Jen off at the trailer (where she pops in
Bonnie and Clyde
), and I head to set for a blocking rehearsal, immediately followed by a trip to hair and makeup. Forest is off for the day, so Cindy (the departing Janet’s replacement as second on hair) winds up putting on my piece, even though I was supposed to be wearing a hat all day. It proves a wise choice, as I get a big, fat close-up at one point later in the day.

Today, it’s just me and the little kid, Josh, doing a very sweet and funny scene in which my character teaches his character to fly-fish. The whole bit’s poignant and chuckle-worthy, starting out with a shot of us from the back, as the two of us are standing on the shore of the river. I see a playback, and it’s kind of adorable: there’s big-ass me from behind, head-to-toe in the frame, with tiny Josh standing beside me. I suggest a button to a montage piece we shoot right after the scene, and Susannah uses it. Great stuff, all around.

We finish both sequences at midday, so I get my hair and makeup off, grab Jen (who’s now climbed into the jimmies she brought with her), and high-tail it back to the city, stopping briefly at McDonald’s for some protein. We don’t listen to anything on the way home, opting instead to chat the whole ride down the mountain.

When we hit West Vancouver, the traffic’s so bad we decide to detour into the town. We find a Whole Foods, and Jen opts to wear her pjs into the store, going nuts in the produce section, buying every veggie in sight. I stop by the meat counter and grab some Italian sausages, we check out, and brave the traffic once again.

We get back to the hotel and I hand off the sausages to Gail, who cooks ’em up for me. I get into my woobs and we chill with Harley, hearing all about Pony Camp. Jen and I are bushed, so we put Harley to bed early and sack out in front of the TV, getting deeper into
Tilt
while playing Rummy. We’re both asleep by eleven.

Thursday 30 June 2005 @ 11:31 p.m.

I get up, take a shit while checking email, then shower and race over to Richmond for an appearance on Z 95.3 morning radio show with Nat and Drew. The format is more music than talk, but we manage to chat it up a bit, and I have a good time with the hosts. I offer to come back in a week from tomorrow, when I’ve got a day off, and do the entire morning shift with them. Nat, Drew and their producer Chad take me up on it.

Before I leave, Nat says “Man — we didn’t get to this story,” and flips her monitor around to show me the story of Ben and Jen’s Caribbean Wedding on E! Online. The pair have copped to getting married, and finally copped to the impending KidFleck Jen’s carrying. I mentally note that, as loose-lipped as I can be, I somehow managed to stay quiet about the baby for almost the entire show.

On the way back to the hotel, I call my agent Phil to talk about the future of
Fletch Won
. We’re kind of at an impasse with the flick, inasmuch as I see the flick as more of a straight adaptation of the book, and Harvey and the producer David List seem to want to make something closer to the Chevy Chase version, with more sight gags and disguises. I told Harvey I was gonna do another draft of the script and turn it in by the end of
Catch
, but after re-reading the script, there’s nothing I want to change. I see the flick along the lines of Soderbergh’s
Out of Sight
, but, aside from me, Mos, Phil Benson, and Chris Moore (who at one point was in line to produce it with us), everybody else wants to do a version that’s more commercial. Chris Tucker’s name has been bandied about as Fletch on more than one occasion — which is all well and good, but I don’t have much interest in making that version of
Fletch Won
. Being told I couldn’t cast Jason Lee two years ago was hard enough, but now we’re at a point at which Harvey and I aren’t even on the same page in terms of tone or story-flow. So I tell Phil that I gotta go with the gut on this one and stick to my script, as-is. If they want to go another way without me I’ll understand.

I get back to the apartment and pop in on Harley, Byron and Gail. I say g’morning to Quinnster, who’s lounging in bed, chowing down on pancakes Byron made for her. Then Gail and I go over some business, before Jen shows up. I ask Jen if she wants to catch the matinee of
War of the Worlds
, and she’s up for it. The show’s at 12:10 p.m., so I call 2nd A.D. Karen to see if I can come to set a few minutes after my two o’clock call time, so I can peep out
War
. She gives me the okay, so I move the noon interview I’m doing with Sorelle Saidman at
The Province
earlier by calling her around eleven-ish. We chat for nearly an hour, mostly about the Vancouver Q&A gig, as well as the sudden nuptials of Ben and Garner. I continue my convo with Sorelle all the way to the theater, and wrap it up while Jen’s buying popcorn. Then, we dive into
War
.

If you haven’t seen it already, rush out and peep this flick. It’s the best of the summer (
Sith
doesn’t count, as that came out before when I feel the summer truly begins). As I sat down to watch it, I was thinking, “Why would Spielberg bother with this flick? We’ve seen the alien invasion movie before. How many ways can this cat be skinned?” But homeboy blew me the fuck away. Homeboy did more than skin the cat; homeboy reinvented the cat from the inside out, then skinned it, then put the skin back on, then skinned the motherfucker again with all the skill and grace of an amazing surgeon. It’s the most tension-inducing flick I’ve seen since
JFK
. From the moment the lightning strikes my beloved New Jersey, you’re sucked into the flick and feeling unsettled. It’s so enveloping, I found myself feeling: “Christ, this is what it’d be like if aliens came. Never mind
E.T.
or
Close Encounters
— these fucks are all about destruction and extermination. I never want this to happen.” I loved every second of this flick, man. It’s just phenomenal.