My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (30 page)

We cuddle for a while and try to figure out what to do for dinner. Neither of us feels like leaving, so we opt for the room service we’d previously sworn off. I hit the bathroom, and Jen checks her email.

We then order up some food, followed by a call to Harley to say g’night. She’s expecting Jen home tomorrow, but I don’t tell her I’m gonna make it for her show as well (cue The Cure’s ‘High’).

Pre-food delivery, I watch some poker on the tube while Jen emails with Chay. The food comes, and we sack out on the floor, eating and watching an A&E Bigfoot documentary. We then pop in
Boogeyman
and rock some more 500 Rummy. Jen wins again, and I call 2nd A.D. Karen to find out what my call time is. Upon hearing it’s 6:12 a.m., I hurl my ass into bed, falling asleep to
All the President’s Men
.

Monday 6 June 2005 @ 8:57 p.m.

I work, then pick up Jen, and rush to the airport for the 7:40 p.m. flight home. Byron picks us up, and we head back to the house. Jen goes in first, as Harley was expecting her. Harley’s immediately looking for the gift Jen promised she was bringing home. Harley covers her eyes, and I’m brought into the house. Harley goes nuts, genuinely excited to have me home, to the point of forgetting that there’s no real present — just me.

Gail unveils Harley’s awesome, homemade chick costume. An all yellow and feathered affair, it’s a testimony to a grandmother’s love for her granddaughter (and a testimony to how utterly craft-less the kid’s actual parents are).

Quinnster hangs on me for the rest of the night, ‘til she goes to sleep in our room on the couch. Jen and I crash to some TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Tuesday 7 June 2005 @ 8:58 p.m.

We wake up and get showered and ready for Harley’s big show: ‘E-I-E-I-Oops’. Byron and Gail take Harley over early, and Jen, Chay, Malcolm, his boyfriend Cubby and I follow shortly thereafter.

At the school, Byron gives me the Panasonic video disc recorder to work while he does the stills. We follow the kids into the theater and I find a place to plant myself where I can shoot the show and not be in anyone’s way.

The show goes on. The first thing I notice is that my kid’s about as stiff as an extra in an Ed Wood picture. But then, so is pretty much every kid up there. The teacher kneels down up front, directing the kids, and I see that my kid’s eyes are glued on her director. I think “‘atta girl...” After months of hearing Harley’s rendition of these songs, I’m finally hearing the songs as they’re meant to be sung (and I gotta say, I liked my kid’s versions better). As adorable as the program is, mercifully, it’s only a half hour long.

After the show, we all congratulate Harley and I use Byron’s camera to snap some pics of Quinnster and her guests/fans. She’s still got classes to attend, so Jen and I gather up the crew and head off campus.

Malcolm, Cub, Chay, Jen and I grab breakfast at the Griddle. Afterwards, I drop Jen home, and take Mitch and Cubby with me to the Stash. There, I sign a shit load of merch to hold them over while I’m gone, and chit-chat with Christian about his first week on the job. As I’m signing at the back of the store, I bullshit with some of the customers and personalize stuff for them before heading out.

The Malker, the Cub and I stop for ice cream at Baskin Robbins, then go to Laser Blazer and pick up new DVDs. I talk to Ron a bit, and then we’re off.

On the ride home, Jon Gordon calls and we talk about
Fletch Won
stuff. I then call Gail and ask her to order some pizza for an early dinner.

I get home, say g’bye to Malcolm and Cubby, and chill out with Jen in the room before she has to head out for a hair appointment. We make out, get all emotional about separating for awhile, and then she’s off.

I eat pizza and watch some
Simpsons
, before heading back to the airport with Byron. I get on the plane, and in two and a half hours, I’m back in Vancouver, picking up my car at the valet.

I get back to the hotel and pop in some
Chappelle’s Show
, to which I fall asleep.

Wednesday 8 June 2005 @ 2:22 p.m.

Head to the studio, get the makeup and hair done, head to stage, where I shoot the scene in which Sam’s asleep on the floor in the bathroom. As it requires merely that I lay there, I’m done in one take.

I head back to the trailer and watch some tube while they shoot something else, until I’m called back to the stage for a blocking rehearsal of the kitchen scene in which my character’s dangerously drunk. We block it a few times, then I head off to get changed.

I’m kinda hoping we get this entire sequence done, as it would mean I can jump on another plane home for a nice four day weekend in LA. My hopes are dashed, as we reach the end of the day still owing a shot to finish out the sequence. Dave opts to move on to the stunt double portion of the sequence, so I’m wrapped.

At first I’m kinda miffed — as I don’t work tomorrow, but will have to come back in on Friday to finish out the scene, thus ruining my dream of a four-day LA weekend. Then, I recall how these good folks got me home in time for the ‘E-I-E-I-Oops!’ and reign in the uncharacteristic diva-instincts. Since Dave’s heading home this weekend for his kid’s birthday, Karen’s gonna be the A.D. on Friday. I ask her to move that remaining kitchen shot as early as she can, so I can at least catch a midday flight back to LA, and she says she’ll see what she can do.

I head back to the trailer, and suddenly, Lori tells me to head back to the stage, as the stunt shot didn’t take as long as they thought it would, and now I might be able to shoot out the rest of the scene before we wrap for the day. I run back to the stage and block the fall to the floor, complete with blood gag. The SFX guys rig up a hose beneath me, and we run the shot a few times, with Henry coaching me into the exact fall position in the frame. We finally nail it, and I’m calculating the flight I’ll be able to get on in the morning, when Dave tells me there’s one more set-up Susannah wants to get for the sequence, so it looks like I’m coming back Friday morning anyway. The only way I might not have to stick around is if they watch dailies tomorrow afternoon and Suzie decides she doesn’t need the shot after all. Karen says she’ll call me around production lunchtime tomorrow to let me know whether I’m on or not.

I get my hair and makeup removed and head back to the hotel, calling Jen to let her know the homecoming scoop. I grab some grub and watch some
Chappelle’s Show
, before I tug one out and go to sleep.

Thursday 9 June 2005 @ 2:23 p.m.

I wake up, take a dump, and drop Jen an email about a dream I had in which she featured prominently. Then I finish up my diary from last week and get it up online.

I grab some cereal and pop in the bonus disc of
Chappelle’s Show
season two box set.

Now, like every conscious motherfucker on the planet, I think
Chappelle’s Show
is hilarious and brilliant. TV comedy hasn’t been this consistently smart and good since the
SNL
‘86 through ‘88 seasons. But the un-sung hero of the show has gotta be Charlie Murphy. The man is one of the most real human beings I’ve ever seen on TV and a dazzling storyteller. There are comedians, there are comic actors, there are monologuists, and there are storytellers, and Charlie Murphy is a phenomenal storyteller. After years of doing college Q&As and the
Evening With Kevin Smith
stuff, I’ve been told over and over that I’m a good storyteller. But Charlie Murphy is a master storyteller. He can make you laugh and make you feel, and he’ll put you directly into the moment of the tale he’s telling. The guy’s amazing.

If you don’t already have the
Chappelle’s Show
season two box set, go out and get it now, and watch the shit out of it, ‘cause Dave’s brilliant. But then pop in the bonus features disc and go right to the Charlie Murphy story entitled ‘That’s My Brother’. Unlike the Rick James or Prince stories, there’s no reenactment footage to fill out the tale. ‘That’s My Brother’, therefore, is just Charlie, in front of a green screen, weaving a word tapestry that paints a picture so well, it makes me jealous. Watch this, and it’ll be crystal clear how unbelievably good this man is at telling a story.

Lunchtime comes and goes, and I call Karen to get an update as to whether or not I’m working tomorrow. Turns out not only am I shooting the last bit of the kitchen scene, but they’ve added another scene to the schedule as well, pulling it up from later in the shoot. Best case scenario, I’m getting out on the last flight home tomorrow, at 7:40 p.m.

I get up and take a shower... which is about as ambitious as I get for the day. Sacked out in front of the TV, I wind up never leaving the apartment from morning ‘til night. Aside from
Chappelle
, I watch the last four episodes of
Deadwood
season one,
The Best of Tom Hanks SNL
DVD, and all of the
Mallrats
extended cut and extras for the new DVD, jotting down notes and editing suggestions for the bonus stuff.

I talk to Jen, order some room service dinner, and fall asleep to some
Sopranos
season five.

Friday 10 June 2005 @ 2:23 p.m.

Wake up, shit, shower, roll to set.

Today, 2nd A.D. Karen’s taking over 1st A.D. duties, because Dave has flown back to California a day early for his daughter’s birthday. Immediately, I start badgering her about doing my shot in the scene they’ve added to the schedule right after we finish up the scene from Wednesday night, so I can get on the 7:40 p.m. flight home. The rumor is that pulling that scene up is a re-light issue — as the stage is currently lit for day, and the little piece I’m in later is a night scene, which would mean DP John would have to re-light the stage, then re-light it again just to accommodate me. I feel petty bugging a brother for my own selfish gain, but fuck it, I wanna go home. Lindley says he’ll see what he can do, but adds that Susannah wants to shoot that new scene last, so she’s the one to bug. I opt against this, because Suzie’s got enough on her mind directing her show without me whining about going home early.

We shoot the leftover piece, and then I’m told I’m free for awhile. Rather than hang out around the set, I decide to kill a few hours at the casino, and recruit my boy Sam (who’s done for the day) for some poker. Forest takes my hairpiece off and Margaret gives my face a washing, and we’re off.

Sam and I roll out to the River Rock and play some poker. We both get fleeced pretty badly, and after a few hours, I throw in the towel. Sam had already donked out earlier, so he’s bombing around downstairs. On the way to look for him, I hit a blackjack table. Over the course of forty-five minutes I rebuild my kitty, collecting back all the cash I lost at poker (excluding the buy-in I staked Sam with). Satisfied, Sam and I take off.

On the ride back, Karen calls to say my shot’s been pulled up. This means there’s a strong chance I can make the 7:40 p.m., although Karen tells me not to get my hopes up. I drop Sam off near his apartment, then hit my hotel to grab some clothes Jen wants me to bring back, which she talks me through collecting over the phone. Packed, I throw my bag in the car and rocket back to set.

I get back into hair and makeup, and get to set. My business in this scene is pretty straightforward: interrupt a potential tender moment between Garner and Olyphant’s characters with a tray full of food, while singing a few lines of ‘Suppertime’, Snoopy’s big number in
You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown
. We do it a few times, and it’s looking like I’m in the clear to make my flight, when suddenly, I learn they’ve added another scene to the schedule: the continuation of this ‘Suppertime’ scene. It’s about a half a page of dialogue between me and Garner, which means at least two shots of coverage. I’m about to throw a hissy fit, when I learn that if we don’t shoot this scene today, we’re not gonna get to shoot it ever, as it’s a candidate for cutting to make room for another day they’ve added to the schedule. Garner and Susannah are both pretty in love with the idea of keeping the scene in the movie, so I give up all hope of getting on that 7:40 p.m. flight, bite the bullet, and do the scene. I live to serve.

Tim’s in the background of the shot, so we chit-chat between takes, before wrapping around nine-ish. On the way off the set, a visiting Affleck buddies up to me a bit, but I blow him off, as I’m currently pissed at the guy. I get my hair and makeup removed, wish all a good weekend, and head back to town.

I grab some supplies at the convenience store, and head up to my room, where I order room service, eat, request an early wake up call, and kick back with
The Sopranos
season five box set, to which I fall asleep.

Saturday 11 June 2005 @ 2:24 p.m.

I get up early, shit and shower, then make the airport run, which at six-ish on Saturday morning takes me all of twelve minutes. I valet the car, check in, get my ticket, and head to the gate, tugging Jen’s Louis Vuitton roller behind me, my backpack atop it.

I board the plane and get situated, only to learn that we’re waiting a few minutes until some fuel issue gets cleared up. The few minutes turns into over an hour, during which I fall asleep. Before we take off, I call Jen to let her know we’re gonna be late, so she’s not sitting at the airport, waiting.

I eat a little breakfast on the plane, listen to Chris Rock’s latest CD on my iPod, then watch some
Sopranos
until my computer’s battery runs out of juice.

We land, and I find Jen and Harley waiting for me at baggage claim, carrying fresh-baked cookies with a thermos of cold milk. We family hug, and then Harley pimps her earrings, at which my eyes nearly bug out of my head. I look to Jen, who I’m assuming was there for the momentous occasion of the kid overcoming her piercing demons, but Jen reveals that they’re just clip-ons. We head back to the car and out of the airport, bullshitting on the drive home.

We get back to the house, and Jen gets Harley ready for a classmate’s birthday party. The theme is Little Divas or something, so Harley dresses up kinda fancy. Gail and Byron are up in Big Bear with their visiting Georgia friends Jimmy and Eileen, so we leave Harley with Reyna, who’ll watch her until the party pick-up and head out to run some errands and grab lunch.