My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (29 page)

I live in a fast-moving world of many spinning plates. Days whip by and there’s always something to preoccupy me: family, work, this board. I try not to afford myself too much time dwelling on my Dad, as it tends to bring everything to a screeching halt when I think about his absence. As it stands, most days, it almost feels like he’s alive, well, and living in Florida: out of sight, out of mind. But all I need to do is talk to Mom for a painful reminder that things have fallen apart, and the center cannot hold in lieu of our missing lynchpin. And while, when I do give in to the melancholy of my own personal loss, I get very emotional, nothing... NOTHING about my father’s death is more heartbreaking than listening to how crippling it has been and still continues to be for my mother. If I could trade in my own professional blessings in exchange for another few years of my Dad for my Mom, believe me when I say I’d be more than happy to go back to jockeying a register at Quick Stop. Sadly, there are just some things a son can’t give his mother.

I get off the phone and head to the bedroom, a blubbering mess. Jen and I talk about our dead Dad’s respective deaths for a while before I can cry no more. I dry my eyes, blow my nose, and go back to a life in which I busy myself regularly so as not to dwell on the fact that the most quietly impressive and admirable man I’ve ever known is but a memory.

I call Stephen and see if he wants to grab breakfast in the a.m., then Jen and I pop in some
NewsRadio
eps, to which I fall asleep.

Thursday 2 June 2005 @ 1:11 p.m.

I wake up around eight forty-five, take the standard morning leak and dump, call Stephen Stohn to see if we’re still on for breakfast, then quietly dress in the room, so as not to wake the sleeping Schwalbach.

I head down to the hotel restaurant around nine and eat breakfast with Stephen, talking about all things
Degrassi
. He’s got a ten o’clock meeting with some music guys who’re waiting outside, so I say g’bye and head back up to the room.

Jen wakes up, and we chit-chat for a bit before digging in to some
Law & Order
. After an hour, she sends me to pick up Quizno’s, and I tell her I’ll do her one better and pick up the new
Moonlighting
seasons one and two box set as well. There’s nothing that woman loves more than me, the kid, and a DVD box set, so she’s on board with the idea.

I drive over to Quizno’s and pick up her sandwich and a small sanny for me, which I eat in the car. I drop Jen’s sub off with the valet guys at the hotel, asking them to send it up to our room. I high-tail it over to Virgin, park illegally, and race inside to grab
Moonlighting
. I can’t find it on the New Release rack, so the insanely helpful guy at the counter tracks it down for me elsewhere in the store. I grab
Boogeyman
,
Tarnation
, and the season finale of
Everybody Loves Raymond
, as well, pay, and race back outside, so as to avoid getting ticketed. After that, I stop at IGA and grab some water, some bakery-fresh chocolate chip cookies, and a gallon of milk.

I get back to the hotel and we first watch the final episode of
Everybody Loves Raymond
while eating lunch. After that, it’s all about
Moonlighting
— one of my all-time favorite shows, and one Jen’s never seen (unlike me, Jen didn’t watch much TV as a kid). It holds up like a motherfucker, and we watch the entire first two discs before deciding to go out and hit the Casino for a little poker. We shower, get dressed, and head out around eight.

We hit the River Rock Casino and immediately put our names on the list at the poker room. They give us the beeper, so we head down to the bar, grab some drinks, and hit the blackjack table while we wait. After about twenty minutes, the beeper goes off, and we head upstairs, where we both get on the same $1/$2 No Limit table.

We play poker for hours, watching our stacks go up and down, until ‘round midnight, when I’m up, and Jen’s down. When we cash in, collectively, we’re about twenty bucks up. We say g’bye to our table-mates and head off. On the way out, a dude at the front desk gives us River Rock baseball caps.

On the drive home, the tipsy Schwalbach cranks the iPod. We spot a Tim Horton’s twenty-four hour drive-thru and jump in line, but after a beat, we decide neither of us wants donuts, so we drive over the divider and get on the 99. Jen climbs out the window, sitting on the door, while I do eighty down the highway. For a moment, she says, she feels twenty-one again.

Back in the city, we stop at McDonald’s on Granville. Jen opts to wait in the car, and I head inside and order some snacks. As I’m collecting our late-night booty, I hear an extended car horn. I emerge from the joint to see Schwalbach laying on the horn, and a car full of guys breaking a few feet away from the Hate Tank. When I get in the truck, Jen tells me the assholes pulled up to the truck moments before and were yelling “You’re coming with us!” at her. They’re still waiting in front of us, and the whole thing’s looking one-in-the-morning sketchy, so we pull out, and Jen flips them the bird as we drive by, shouting “FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES!” Jen insists she saw that predatory look in their eyes and that they wanted to hurt her, and I assure her she’s alright now, while checking my rearview mirror to make sure we’re not being followed.

Back at the hotel, Jen’s still pretty shaken up about the whole thing. We get into our woobs and climb into bed, where we eat our McDonald’s and I rub her back. She says nothing for the rest of the night, as we fall asleep watching
Moonlighting
.

Friday 3 June 2005 @ 1:11 p.m.

I wake up and shit, checking email in the process. Afterwards, I get in the shower, get dressed, and head downstairs, following the driver over toward Kits Beach for Juliette Lewis’s first day.

I get my hair and makeup done and meet Josh, the little kid who’s playing Juliette’s son in the movie. After Margaret and Forest are done with me, I head back to my trailer and find that Tish and Karin have a surprise for me: a baseball jersey, not unlike the shooters I wear all the time. Delighted by this addition to my costume wardrobe, I get ready and head over to the set: a set of train tracks where Juliette, Josh and I are doing a walk-and-talk.

To be fair, it’s really Juliette’s talk and my walk. She’s got a big monologue to deliver, after which I have a single line, so Lewis is doing the heavy lifting. I enjoy the fuck out of watching her do the scene over and over, as Juliette’s so damned natural. Her delivery is so casual and spontaneous that sometimes, she’ll start talking and I answer her as me, forgetting we’re in the middle of a scene.

On set, the hubbub is the weather next week. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, we’re supposed to be shooting at a lake, but the forecast is bleak and rainy. It’s looking like we’re gonna go for weather cover at the stage instead, and the preliminary schedule has me working Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I let A.D. Dave know that Harley’s got a school show on Tuesday morning (‘E-I-E-I-Oops’) that I was planning to get to with the lake schedule, as I wasn’t supposed to be working on Tuesday. This new schedule’s putting the kibosh on that possible show attendance.

But I’ve made a few flicks myself, so I know how delicate a balancing act the schedule is, and if I’ve gotta work on Tuesday, then I’ve gotta work. But I ask Dave that if he can see any way possible to shifting my stuff around so I can get on a plane Monday night to be home in time for Quinnster’s show on Tuesday morning, I’d love him forever. He says he’ll see what he can do.

At this point, I feel like I’m now just flat-out IN
Jersey Girl
— except for the part where Ben Affleck is involved with the flick’s leading lady.

Oh, wait...

Between takes, I tease Juliette relentlessly regarding her new beau she made the mistake of telling me about, and phantom-lightsaber duel with
Star Wars
fan Josh, who manages to nail me in the nuts, not once, but twice. Before long, we’re done with the scene, which means I’m done for the day.

I come home around three to find the maid cleaning the room and Jen holding up in the office off the patio. I suggest we order from Capone’s for pickup. Jen opts not to take the ride with me.

I head over to Yaletown and grab the grub. Afterwards, I stop at IGA to grab some cookies, as well as the
Rolling Stone
with my Vader piece and
Time
magazine, which has a blurb about the
Silent Bob Speaks
book. I shoot back to the hotel, and Jen and I dig into our Capone’s while watching more
Moonlighting
. Between episodes, we talk to Harley, who’s had a minor drama in school with some of her friends.

Jen and I spend the whole day watching
Moonlighting
episodes, barely leaving the bed. During one of the eps, I give Jen a prolonged massage, but outside of that, we’re zombied-out in front of the tube from four ‘til midnight — pausing only once around eight-ish, when Second A.D. Karen calls to deliver the good news that A.D. Dave juggled the schedule enough for me to get home on Monday night, in plenty of time for ‘E-I-E-I-Oops’. I thank her profusely and ask her to pass on my undying loyalty to my new hero, Dave.

‘Round midnight, we both fall asleep, cradled in the bosoms of David and Maddie.

Saturday 4 June 2005 @ 1:12 p.m.

I wake up and take a leak. Immediately, I start working on the conformed
Mallrats
script for the 10th Anniversary DVD, laying on the floor in the living room.

Jen gets up, and we chit-chat for a bit before settling into some
Moonlighting
. I eat cookies for breakfast while Jen drinks her coffee.

Two hours later, Jen’s hungry, so we order some room service lunch, and plow through
Moonlighting
episodes all day while I finish up the
Rats
script. After a full day of this, we decide to hit the Casino again, so we shower and head out around six-ish.

We do the River Rock ‘til about nine. This time, I donk out and Jen’s the big winner. Together, we leave the poker room a little over even (after all the tipping out and whatnot). We cash out and decide to head over to Yaletown for some Capone’s, where we get seated on the patio.

After the first course, Jen runs out of cigarettes and asks me to go get her a pack. I tell her the nearest 7-11’s a block and a half away, and I’d rather wait ‘til we ate, and then grab her smokes on the way home. Jen starts talking about going to get smokes herself, which I point out makes no sense, since it’s ten o’clock at night, and earlier at the Casino — with the events of Thursday night still fresh in her mind — she’d have me accompany her to the bathroom, just to make sure she was safe. This infuriates the tipsy Schwalbach, who feels like my observation was more of a dig than a simple caution. So, in typical Indignant-Jen fashion, she gets up and heads off the patio, in search of smokes.

I sit there for a minute, totally steamed, until thoughts of
Irreversible
come to mind. So I tell the waiter we’re not ditching, and that the wife just went for smokes and I don’t want her to go alone. He says he’ll keep our food warm, and I head out to the 7-11 to get Jen.

Problem is, she’s not at the 7-11.
Irreversible
-induced panic sets in, until I recall the many restaurants on Hamilton I passed on the way to the 7-11, and instead assume that Jen probably just stopped at one of them and bought smokes at the bar.

I get back to Capone’s and, thankfully, Jen’s sitting at our table again, a big smile on her face. She didn’t find the 7-11, but she did wrap the block by herself in the dark, so she feels like she took back a bit of herself that was momentarily robbed the other night when the guys in the car harassed her. While this is all well and good for Jen and her self-esteem, I’m pissed that she just put me through this, and to top it all off, she gives me the tiniest bit of shit for being at a 7-11 and not getting her a pack of smokes. Steamed, I don’t talk through the meal. We eat in silence, pay, and head home.

We pop in
Moonlighting
and don’t really talk, finishing up the last episode in the set. At one point, I attempt a truce of sorts by rubbing Jen’s back a bit. As we re-watch an episode of
Moonlighting
we’d fallen asleep during earlier in the week, Jen complains that I’m not being warm. I maintain the subtle back rub was my olive branch. She maintains spooning with my arms around her would be a better olive branch. At this point, I’m ready to jam an olive branch up her ass, I’m so ticked. We bicker some more, until finally, I just toss it all aside and take her in my arms. One thing leads to another, and we wind up fucking.

Post-sex, we lightly squabble some more, and then I fall asleep.

Sunday 5 June 2005 @ 1:13 p.m.

I wake up around ten thirty and Jen’s already up. It’s yet another rainy, shitty day in Vancouver. We talk about last night for a while, which leads to a long discussion about the assholes in the car who harassed Jen and how it affected her to the point where she had to prove to herself that she wouldn’t let those fucktards take a piece of her away like that. I say that’s totally fine — I get that. But it’s fucking wrong of her to put herself at risk in that fashion when — if something bad happened — I’m left Jen-less over something so stupid as walking to get a pack of cigarettes at ten o’clock at night, in a crank-head littered town, when she could’ve simply waited ‘til after dinner and gotten her smokes safely. We both have valid points, so we let the whole thing go and opt to get some food.

Jen feels like some falafel, so we get dressed and trudge out into the rain, only to discover that the falafel joint’s closed on Sunday. We head over to IGA instead, but alas, there are no cookies. We grab some other groceries then head back to the hotel, where we pop in the Jeff Bridges flick
Door in the Floor
and check email.

Post-
Door
, we rock
The Notebook
and play some 500 Rummy. I find it tough to play by mid-flick, because I’m bawling (such a manipulative piece of mainstream movie-making). The flick ends in such a way that I’m completely taken out of the story, but at this point, I’m so deeply into thinking about love, marriage, and mortality that even the fumbled close of the flick leaves me really emotional and weeping into Jen’s lap.