My Forever (28 page)

“Yeah.”

“I may call you for some of them.”

I’m flattered and don’t know what to say.

“Well, why don’t we get lunch,” he suggests.

“Okay.” This pregnancy is really draining my brain. My thoughts aren’t
just
wandering, I’m just sort of muddling through at this point.

“How you feeling?” Leigh asks. “I’m sorry, I bet you hate that. I hated that
when I was sick
,” she adds.

“No, no, it’s okay and aside from feeling like my body couldn’t possibly grow another inch, I feel good.”

“Good. I can’t i
magine. I
t must just be amazing.
” She has this wistful expression on her face.

I spent nearly nine months wishing this wasn’t happening to me
,
but to know that it would never happen? That would be even harder.

“
Ohh
, can we eat here? I love Chinese food.” Leigh points.

I nod and sit down on one of the outside tables. There won’t be many more days of warm sunshine.

“I know what my wife wants, but what would you like?” Brian asks.

“Anything small. T
here’s not a lot of room left in there.”

He nods and walks away. He’s trying hard to be casual
,
but I’d bet
he’s working at it.

Leigh sits down next to me, and
I put my hands on my tummy like I always do when I sit. There really isn’t anywhere else for them to go. My lap has disappeared. Little girl start
s moving around like she
does this time of day.

“
Wanna
feel?” I look at Leigh.

She can’t hold in her smile.

Brian watches us carefully as he stands at the counter waiting to order.

I take her hands in mine again and place them on my tummy. She closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. “When I first started college, before Brian and I even started dating, my neighbor was pregnant.” She still has her eyes closed.
She’s lost in the memory. I lik
e this about her. I
t happens to me all the time, or it did before I got pregnant.

“I used to sit with her outside for hours with my hands on her tummy, just like this.” She opens her eyes and looks at me. “I loved every minute of it.”

As she’s looking over at me I know. She’s perfect. They’re perfect. It makes the fact that I’m actually letting go of my girl so much more real. My heart squeezes tight, but I know this is the right thing. The voice is unmistakable. I think about what this will mean to the family sitting in front of me. I’ve known them for minute
s, but
know I could trust them with anything. I know I
will
be trusting
them with my girl. A few tears slide down my face.

“Oh Dani. I’m sorry.
I didn’t
mean to upset yo
u.” Leigh tilts her head with a
confused
expression
. She reaches out and wipes the tears from my face.

“
It’s okay. J
ust hormones.” I try to shake it off. “Makes me crazy.” I attempt a laugh.

Brian comes with food and we all start to eat. I have no idea what I’m eating
,
but it’s salty, and tastes delicious. The food is a good diversion.
Nathan will
be the big brother. He’ll be a good big brother. I picture him sitting on the couch posing for endless photos with a small baby girl on his lap. The picture in my head almost makes me cry again.

I learn a lot about them over lunch. Brian used to be military.
He’s a convert like me—
baptized by Leigh’s brother. Brian and Leigh met because Brian was Leigh’s brother’s roo
mmate in college. I also learn
that Leigh once dated Noah Watson.

There wasn’t a girl in my school that didn’t have a crush on Noah Watson. He’s been in three movies in the past two years and is completely gorgeous. Both she and Brian laugh at that. It makes me feel young and silly
,
but I don’t mind. I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

Brian looks at Leigh all the time. He looks at her like there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. It’s easy to see how much they love one another. I don’t see many couples look at each other that way
, which makes me feel
more settled
and relaxed about my decision.

The reality of the situation
is also settling in. I’ve been carrying this little girl
,
and she isn’t going to be mine to have. It reminds me of saying goodbye to Michael, wanting him so much
,
but understanding it wasn’t right. Not then.
Maybe not ever.
That feels small compared to this
.
I know this is right, but I’m starting to get a glimpse of how hard it’s going to be.
             

Leigh stands
up. “I have to use the restroom.
I’ll be right back.”

Brian watches her walk away. “I would do anything for that woman.” When he looks back at me he’s still smiling. “Thanks Dani, for letting us just hang out like this
. I think it was nice for Leigh. S
he loves being around pregnant women. I keep thinking it has to be hard for her, but she swears it’s like therapy.”

Nathan gets up and walks out to the railing
overlooking the sound. Another Ferry B
oat is about to dock. I’m completely tied up in knots with what I’m about to do.

“I want to do this.”

Brian looks at me and swallows once. “Are you sure? I mean, really, really sure?”

“I don’t want to do any of it.” I shake my head. “I don’t want to be far away from home, wherever that is, and I don’t want to be pregnant
,
and I don’t want to have to say goodbye to this baby
,
and I don’t want to be missing my best friend who’s serving a mission, but it’s what my life is. I know, I mean
know
and have known that this baby would belong to someone else.”

He scoots next to me and puts his arm around me. I barely know him
,
but I lean in anyway. He has such a
nice feeling
about him. Right now I just need someone. “Do you want to be around us
,
Dani?
To get to know us more?
Or do you want me to leave you alone and not accidentally run into you anymore?”

“I think I’d
like to see you once in a while. I
f that’s okay.” They’re such cool people. I see right away that I want to be part of their lives, if they’ll have me. I don’t want it to be just because I’m giving them a baby. I want
it to be because they like me.

“I know I’d prefer that, and I’m sure my wife would too.” He looks at me closely. “I’m afraid that this isn’t a real yes from you.” He looks over his shoulder to see if Leigh is coming back. “You seem like the kind of person who would do anything to make the people around you happy. I want to make sure
you
want to do this.”

“It’s a real yes, Brian.” I reach into my back pocket and pull out the picture I got from my doctor. I put my email address on the back. “You can tell her. I don’t think I can.” I know I won’t be able to say the words again. “This was taken this morning. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, and I don’t drink. Everything indicates that the baby’s perfect and healthy. Oh, and it’s a girl.”

Brian brings a hand to his face just briefly and presses the o
utside corners of his eyes. “I…
I don’t even know what to say, how to express…”

I need to do the business part before I lose it. The breaking apart I feel is starting to spread.
“I’ll call tomorrow
and give the church your names. We’ll still go through them. I
t keeps it free for me
,
and I think cheaper for you.”

“I don’t care
,
Dani. W
hatever you want you can have.” He means it.

“I’d like to be Auntie. C
an I do that?” I say it before thinking. I realize I’m asking to be part of their lives
in a huge way. I shake my head.
“I’m sorry, that’s presumptuous of me or…”

He takes my hand and looks at me. “We’d love that, Dani. Honestly, we’d want to continue to be friends with you no matter what you decide
to do
.”  He sits back in his chair and lets go of my hand. “You’re a cool girl.”

“Okay.
I
gotta
get back to work.” I smile at him before the tears sta
rt to come.
“I’m glad you’re the one telling your wife.”

“You h
ave no idea,” he says
.

I have some
idea just after watching him with her
. 

I stand up. “Thanks for lunch.”

He kind of laughs and nods a couple times. Right, that’s funny. He got my lunch tab
,
and I’m giving them a baby. The thought helps me regroup a little bit.

“Bye Dani!”
Nathan waves frantically from the railing.

“Bye!” I wave back. “We’ll see you soon!”

I don’t think I can go back to work today. Actually, I don’t know how many more days I want to do period. I’m relieved once again that I have money stashed away. I’ve spent almost nothing all summer.

19

“You’re looking especially thoughtful today.” Jackie says as she comes in from work.

“I met with Brian and Leigh.” She reads my expression immediately.

“Big decision, huh?”

“Yeah.” I let my
head rest
on the back of the couch. “I’m really getting tired of those.”