My Forever (29 page)

She laughs. “I bet.” She looks at me for a moment. “Well, you obviously look like you don’t want to go anywhere
,
but let me order some sort of delicious meal for us.”

I’m used to her generosity by now and I’m getting really good at saying, “Thanks.”

“I’m going to call ou
r home teachers over.
You need one of those fabulous
Mormon
blessing
s,
and I’m sure you’d never ask.”
She winks.

“That would actually probably be good.”

“I like having you here, Dani. It makes my problems seem ridiculous.” She s
its down on the couch
and puts her arm around me.

“Glad I can help.” I laugh.

“And Brian and Leigh!!” She claps her hands in excitement. “They’re so cool… Oh!” She looks at me more seriously then. “I wonder if they’ll give us a discount?”

~
~
~

The next morning I have an email from Brian.

             
Dani-

             
I’ve said nothing to my wife yet. I wanted to give you time. Are you still sure?

             
Brian

I answer back in one word.
Yes
.

~
~
~

I’m packing up and locking up at the Pike Place stand. It’s my last day. I’m about to start putting my savings account into use. I still have most of my original
two grand
plus a couple thousand from working the fruit stand. It’s not a lot, but fortunately, thanks to Jackie, my expenses are small. I’m just about to walk home w
hen I see Leigh Wright com
ing toward me. He’s told her. I
t’s all over her face.

“I promised Brian I wouldn’t do this
,
but I had to.” Her chin quivers
,
and she doesn’t stop until her arms
are
around me. She holds me until I relax and let myself feel what she wants me to feel.

I’m crying only because
I can’t keep the stupid tears off my face.

“Dani, you have no idea. And I promise that after this I won’t come and surprise you or anything unless you say it’s okay
,
but before I let you go I want you to know that I’d spend all day, every day with you
,
and that I want you to call me if you need anything or feel lonely or want to go for lunch or just want to get to know us better, okay?”

“Okay.” I can feel her nervous excitement and gratitude in every touch and in every word. “If you let me go, you could walk with me to the bus stop.
” I laugh. I have to break away. I
t’s too intense for me right now
,
but I lik
e Leigh.
I like being around her. She feels good in the same way her husband feels good and in the same way that Michael fee
ls good and Jackie feels good—
when she wants to.

And this is it. It’s done.
Baby girl has parents.

~
~
~

Elder Mason,

Found parents. They’re so perfect. It makes this whole thing seem more real. You’d think the baby kicking my ribs in the middle of the nig
ht would do it, but it was this. T
his decision that did it. This baby is coming and then she’ll go home with them. I know it’s the right thing
. I
t’s just
hard to remember
.

They’re a neat couple and live right here i
n Seattle. Brian is the husband. H
e has an
eight year old
son from a previous marriage but the kid, Nathan, calls Leigh, Mom, and lives with them all the time. I told Brian first that I wanted to work with them,
and he
asked me to not indicate to his wife at all until I was sure. I let him tell her after I was gone. I can’t describe the l
ove that they have between them. I
t’s something really special. I’ve met with them a couple other times. Leigh about smothered me in hugs after Brian told her.

They want me around as much or as little as I want. That makes it nice for me. I kind of like the idea of being Auntie Dani, especially since I’m so removed from my family.

I don’t know what this will be like. I’m scared. I’m scared of sitting in that hospital all alone and not being able to bear it. I’m
sorry,
I’m dumping too much on you again. I promise to continue to be prayerful.
Some guys from church
came the other night to gi
ve me a blessing. T
he due date is coming fa
st. I’m not working anymore.
I’m just trying
to eat everything in the house.

Keep doing your good works. You’re more than a month in already,

Dani

~
~
~

Labor is like nothing I could have ever prepared for. I’m grateful over and over that I had a blessing only a few nights before. It happens so fast there isn’t time for drugs or anything. She’s born before the hospital can call Brian and Leigh. It’s okay. I’m sitting here now with a baby girl in my arms.

The nurse
frowns in disapproval. S
he knows what’s happening
,
and doesn’t think I should be trying to bond with the small baby nestled next to me.
             

I’m so thankful for this short time. I look down at her new little face. I can’t even begin to describe the spirit in the room. It fills me, warms me, and wraps me up. “I’m your auntie little thing, your mommy and daddy will be here soon.”

The nurses
have her all bundled up tightly with
a tiny pink cap on her head. Her initial crying is over
,
and she’s fast asleep in my arms. I let myself think about how I’d feel if I was taking her home. The thought is terrifying
,
which gives me some relief. As sad as I am to see her go, she’s not mine. She’ll be in someone else’s eternal realm.

The nurse finally leaves
. I
t’s just
me and
my
little girl
now. I snuggle her warm body close to mine and kiss her softly on the forehead. She isn’t being taken from me. She’s going where she belongs. The time with Brian and Leigh have made me feel like I’m not only welcome
,
but
wanted.

I hear a very quiet knock on my door.  This is it. We worked all this out with the office beforehand. They were worried about how we wanted to do this. It took several assurances from me.

“Come on in.”

It’s Leigh, followed by Brian
. T
hey must have found somewhere for Nathan to be. She looks hesitant and steps in slowly. Brian is right behind her, his hand in hers. I wave with my left hand for her to come over. Little girl is in my right.

“I have your little girl,” I say. I realize that I have tears on my face at the same time I see tears streaming down Leigh’s face.

She stands next to my bed. Her eyes go from the baby and then back to me. “Dani… I don’t…” She’s holding her hands close to her chest. She’s afraid to reach out.

“Leigh.” She looks up at me then
.

I have never in my life felt the Spirit like I do now. This is what I wanted on my baptism day
,
and when I was confirmed.
When I knew Lucas wasn’t right, and when I knew Michael had to leave. All those times it was so quiet, but not now.

I don’t know what I’m going to say until I say it. “This is all your moment Le
igh, soak it up,
breathe
her in. T
hey said you can take her to the nursery
,
and you don’t have to go home until she does.”

“Dani.” Her chin is quivering and the tears are still coming down her f
ace. “You are an absolute angel. Y
ou will be in my prayers every day until I die.” She takes my face in her hands and kisses my forehead.

I hold out the small baby and she carefully takes her from me. Brian puts his arms around his wife
, and I watch
them standing there, looking do
wn at the baby in Leigh’s arms.

The picture is exactly what I wanted. It’s the part of all this that I want to remember.
Brian’s eyes catch mine, and I just nod
. He looks back in understanding. It’s time for them to go. I can’t have them in here any longer.

Leigh’s in her own world.
H
er eyes will see nothing but that baby girl for a long time. Brian leads her out of the room. He takes two big steps back over to my bed
,
and also gives me a kiss on the forehead.

He doesn’t have words. I don’t either.

I do my best to smile as I watch him follow his wife out of the room
,
and then I cry in earnest. The sobs shake my body
,
and no amount of
pain-killer
could touch what I feel.

Jackie walks in a few moments later. She doesn’t say a word, just climbs into my bed and wraps her arms around me like a sister.  I grasp her arms
,
and pray that the peace of my decision will overcome everything else I feel. At some point in time I finally fall asleep.

~
~
~

Dear Elder Mason,