My Forever (36 page)

We stand close to one another
,
and
Lucas back
s
up a step
.
It’s not that he’s given up now, it’s that he sees that Lucas and I aren’t the right thing. Even though I didn’t want him,
I feel heavy.

We ride the bus in silence. I stand next to Lucas’ car as he throws in his bag from last night. 

“We’re just not…” I start to say.

“Yeah,
” Lucas says. “We’re just not. But I’m glad we’re friends. And I’m glad we have a connection.”

“Me too.” We hug. Maybe things between us will be okay.

I sit down that night and write to Daniel. I tell him everything. I tell him about Michael’s family and how good they are to me. I tell him about Eliza and her parents. I tell him about where I live. I know he’ll love the idea of living on the water.

Jackie has been so unexpected and amazing that I talk about her a lot, too. He always loved Pike Market when we were kids on our few trips to the city so I tell him about my job and the smell of the peaches. I thank him for helping Lucas to find me, and I beg him to forward my information on to our parents. He’ll understand that I can’t take another direct rejection from them.

Even if I don’t hear back from him it feels good to write it all down, to tell someone everything.
I miss my brother.

24

Being in school puts time in fast-forward. Before I
have time to take a breath its
spring break. I ask for extra hours at the fruit stand. Michael and I write but it feels like business. Its hard coming up with things to say when we’re not allowed to plan ahead and not allowed to be too personal. I miss the closeness we had when he was here. I want something from Dani
el, but I don’t expect it and
try not to hope for it.

I’ve found a comfortable medium with what Jackie wants me to wear and what I want to wear. My routine to get ready is under an hour now. Much better. She reluctantly agree
s that I can pull off my funky T
-shirts with some of the clothes she bought me. Oh, and I really love my chucks. Life simply passes.

~
~
~

I adjust my phone on my shoulder. “Hello?”

“Dani.” It’s Brian.

“Hey Brian. What can I do for you?” I’m so used to talking with
them now. They’re just friends. J
ust like anyone.

“Well…
I just finished websites for two photographers. They both looked through some other websites that I’ve done and both asked about you and your credentials. When I told them you were nineteen and just starting college, they both asked if you might be interested in working for them.”

“Umm…” I couldn’t make a coherent sound. Professional photographers noticed me? I can’t form a reply so Brian continues on. He’s used to me.

“I just need to know if it’s okay to pass along your information or not. I need you to know
,
Dani
,
that your decision does not and will not affect my business relationship with these people in any way. They don’t know we know each other outside of work, understand?”

“Uh…yeah.”

He knows I haven’t found my voice yet.

“Hank is… H
ow should I say
this.
Talented and very aware.
You could learn a phenomenal amount from him
,
but you’ll really have to watch out for yourself. Mandy is the other one. She’s been doing family portraits and weddings for a while. You won’t learn as much from her, but she’s a member of the church. I can’t really offer any advice. So, do you want me to pass
on your information
?”

“That’d be great. Thanks.” I laugh then. I feel like every time I have a conversation with him, Leigh or Jackie it ends with me saying thank you.

“What’s so funny Dani?”

“I never thought I’d hear myself say thank you this much in my life.”

He laughs a little too. “You know what? You’re more like my little sister Dani than Aun
tie Dani…
though I guess that would still make you auntie.”

I take this as a huge compliment. “Thank you, Brian.”

“Later.”

I’m so glad I asked to be a part of their life.

~
~
~

In the morning Jackie drops my mail on the counter and I have a letter from my brother. Daniel. My heart hu
rts at the thought. He’s in Afghanistan
.

             
Dani –

Wow, this is weird. I mean, it’s just you, so it shouldn’t be weird, right? Guess I should just tell you what’s up.

Mom and Dad are good. I mean
,
nothing’s really changed since you left. That’s weird, but everyone’s a year older you know
? No, wait. Isaac got married t
o someone you don’t know. Her family moved in next door and they got married a few months later. Crazy, huh? Gloria is as annoying as ever, maybe even more so since Isaac is pre-occupied with his wife.

I joined the Army, but I think you already knew that. I’m a field medic. Go figure, huh? I’m good at it too, helped with so many scrapes and cuts with the twins. I’m in a good area
here. You don’t have to worry about me. Mostly I’ve been doing little first aid stuff for the school age kids here. It’s crazy being out in the desert like this. So hot you can’t breathe during the day, yet we still freeze at night.

I know it’s silly, but I’m almost afraid to ask about you. I’m sure I acted like a jerk, but I still don’t know how I feel about the whole Mormon thing and the getting pregnant thing. I think you can understand that. Anyway, I wrote, so that’s something, right?

Love,
             
Daniel

It feels so good to hold a piece of paper from my brother.
From my family.
I’m sort of overwhelmed and hope that this is the start
of some sort of reconciliation.
Or at the very least, communication.

~
~
~

T
he building where Hank works is
tall, brick, old, and beyond cool.
I’m immediately nervous. He’s doing a photo shoot for Macy’s later on today.
Macy’s
.
Jackie helped me dress. I need to look like me, to look cool, and to wear something I can move in to take
pictures—
my favorite grey pants, low heels and a simple blouse. I take a freight elevator to his floor. When I open the door I’m in a room about the size of large gym, and just as high. The tall skinny windows are evenly spaced down each side of the room and the red brick feels both warm and cold at the same time.

It’s easy to see where he’ll be shooting today. The backdrop is large and in place, lights are all set up. There’s an area partitioned off in the corner. If he lives here, that’s where he lives. It is so how I picture
the apartment of
some famous photographer. I wonder if he’s faking it like Jackie seems to think everyone does, or if he really is this guy. I see Hank crouched on the floor next to some camera equipment. I have mine over my shoulder.  I start to walk in. He looks briefly over at me.

“You’re early.” He looks back down. “Macy’s call isn’t for another hour
.
I don’t need the models lounging around while I set up.”

I almost laugh. He thinks I’m one of the models. I try to think about how Jackie coached me. I’m confident. I’m a photographer. “I’m Dani
LeClaire
. You called me here because you like my shots.”

He freezes and then stands up, looking at me. “Wow, you’re Dani.” He shuffles his weight to one foot and I get a chance to see him better now
. He has dark hair that
falls over his face in a way that only an expensive haircut can do. Behind his curly hair is a striking shade of blue eyes. He’s in a great pair of jeans, a belt and a t-shirt that is the trendy amount of messy. He has penetrating eyes and I’m caught up in his incredibly good looks for a moment. I suddenly realize he’s studying me the way I’m studying him. I take a deep breath and try not to blush.

“Well, Dani. This is my test.”

I stand and wait.

“I’ve been using this space for a long time now. Pull out your camera. If you find something I’ve never seen in this space, the job is yours if you
want it. I’m a pain to work for,
I’m picky
,
and I want you to know what I’ll want next before I do.”

“I understand.” It’s a challenge.

He gestures for me to go ahead and continues
setting up
. I’m nervous but looking at the
enormous
photos on the walls
,
I can see right away that I’d learn a phenomenal amount from this guy. I’ll probably learn more today than
during
my semester of photography class.

I pull out my camera and keep my other lenses with me.
Holding the camera to my face, I
slowly look around the room. Everything in here is interesting. All of the wiring and plumbing is exposed above me. The red brick walls are rich, flawed and beautiful. The windows are so old that on some, the glass is just thicker at the bottom than the top. I look through the camera, through my rectangle box
,
and find the obvious shots in here. Then I start looking past that. I crouch down; my lens ends up pointing at Hank. Ha, why not? I bet he hasn’t noticed himself in this space before.

He’s concentrating on setting out lenses, filters and plugging in his computer. I
take two shots of him, and from my camera, they look good. He looks great—
totally oblivious and focused. I go to the opposite side of the room and lay on the floor. I can see the small bits of dust and dirt on the old hardwood floors. I hear the elevator and I zoom in, I get rows of women’s feet entering the room. I like this one too.

“Time’s up, Dani.” Hank stands up and leans against the table.