My Heart Can't Tell You No (21 page)

“Oh.” There was a hesitation on the line and his voice sounded strange—strained. “Lena told me you called. I don’t think it’s a very good idea to call me here anymore.”

“What?” Her voice was very quiet, very disbelieving.

“I’ve—been busy lately. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back to you.”

“Will you be coming home soon?” God, where did she get the strength to ask that question? She didn’t feel any strength at the moment.

“No. I don’t think so. I doubt I’ll be down all summer. Maybe sometime next spring—I don’t know yet.”

“But Joe. What about . . . .”

“Listen, Maddie,” he broke in. “I-I’m really sorry about what happened. I really am. I think it’d be best if we didn’t see one another for a while, okay?”

“Not see each other?” Her voice was barely audible.

“I—I gotta go now, Maddie.”

“You have to go now?” she repeated dully.

“And, Maddie, go home. I don’t want you staying at Bob’s so late. I gotta go now.”

Maddie listened to the click of the telephone, then slowly replaced the receiver. She made her way to the couch although she couldn’t feel her legs or feet. So many things running through her mind. She was a mass of confusion.
“I’m
really
sorry
about
what
happened.”
“I
don’t
think
it’s
a
very
good
idea
to
call
me
here
anymore.”
“I’ve
been
busy
lately.”
“Think
it’d
be
best
if
we
didn’t
see
one
another
for
a
while.”
“I’m
really
sorry
 . . . .” Oh God! She felt used . . . dirty . . . so confused. The pain she felt was unbearable. He didn’t want anything to do with her. Their weekend together had been no different than any of the other weekends he’d been having this past year, except maybe this time it had come a little easier. What a fool she’d been to believe he could ever be interested in her longer than the time it would take to use her. His interest in her at fifteen and sixteen had merely been an interest in something he couldn’t have. Didn’t he almost take her at that football game then stop and remind her that she was too young—jail bait? And then two months ago, hadn’t he said he needed only one kind of help that night—anyone would have done. Hadn’t he told her that morning that nothing lasts forever. When she told him she loved him—
God
! When she told him she loved him he hadn’t answered; only said her name to shut her up. He didn’t want her love that weekend, and he didn’t want it now. He had gone straight home, leaving with Bob so she couldn’t even come down to see him before he left.
God
, how he must have laughed at her, and probably still is laughing.

She felt lost and alone as she clutched a cushion on her lap and rocked back and forth. She was barely seventeen and would pass eleventh grade in a few weeks. What kind of job could she get to support herself and her baby? Her
baby
! She had to find a way to keep her pregnancy from him. He would never know he had fathered her child. And her child would never know what kind of a father it had. She had to find a way—even if it meant giving it to John and Beth to raise as their own. But the thought of living her life as her child’s aunt tore at her, and she didn’t know if she could trust her family not to tell Joe either. She had to find a way to keep her baby without Joe ever finding out.

“Maddie?” Bob came from the stairs. “Maddie? What’s wrong?”

She looked at him with tears she had been trying desperately to hide. “Bobby.”

“Oh, Maddie.” He sat next to her and pulled her against him, rocking her against his chest as his arms held her tightly. “What’s wrong? What did he say?”

“He said he was sorry it happened. He said I wasn’t supposed to call him anymore. He said he didn’t have time for me—he was busy. Oh, Bobby, I don’t know what to do. I love him and he just used me. He won’t come back. He said he won’t. Bobby, I don’t know what to do.” Her tears fell against his shirt.

“Oh, Maddie. I was afraid of this. I hoped it wouldn’t happen. I really did. I wanted you to be happy. You don’t know how much I wanted you to be happy.”

“It won’t happen. He doesn’t care about me.”

“We all grew up together. He cares about you, but . . . .”

“No! You, me and Tom grew up together. Jackie, John and Joe went off to war. He doesn’t care. If he did, he doesn’t care anymore. He told me two months ago—nothing lasts forever.”

“Some things do, Maddie.” Bob’s voice was tender as he tipped her chin back until she was looking at him. “My feelings for you have never changed.”

“I know, Bob. You’ve never treated me badly. You’ve always been here for me,” she said absently.

“What are you going to do, Maddie? Now that he doesn’t want the baby?”

“I didn’t tell him. I didn’t even have the chance. He didn’t want to talk to me. He couldn’t have made it any plainer. I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want him ever to know.”

“He doesn’t know?” Maddie saw something click in Bob’s expression. “Well, you’re only about eight weeks pregnant. It would be easy enough to get rid of it.”

“No!” She sat up and stared at him. “I won’t! It’s mine! I can’t! And I won’t!”

“Then I can see only one other solution. If you want it and you don’t want Joe to know he’s the father, I think we better get married—and fast.”

“
What
? I couldn’t do that to you! What kind of marriage would that be for you?”

“One I’ve waited a long time for. And I would have waited until next year before I asked you—normally. I couldn’t see marrying you before you were even out of high school. But, as things are, we have to take things as they are given to us. Well? Will you marry me?”

“But I’m having Joe’s baby!” She rubbed her eyes.

“I know.” Was that some kind of arrogance she saw in his eyes? No, whatever it was, it was gone when he looked at her. “It’ll be my baby from this moment on. If you’ll let me be its father. Of course you’d better hope you’re overdue. Otherwise we’ll have to lie and say it was born prematurely. God help us if you really do deliver prematurely. There wouldn’t be any way to cover it up then. Unless . . . unless . . . that’s it. If there are any questions, and Joe says you were together eight weeks ago, you can always say you had your period a few days after you were with him. Then we got together. That’s it—if you have to. If we don’t, I think we better stick to the premature bit,” Bob went on, and Maddie could see the odd excitement in his eyes before he stopped and looked at her again. “I’m sorry. I’m not giving you the chance to answer. Do you want to? I do—I’ve just been waiting.”

“It wouldn’t be fair to you, Bob,” she told him slowly, eying him warily.

“Maddie. You don’t know how fair it would be. I’ve waited in line behind Joe all my life it seems. All of your life—I know. For once, don’t make me stand in line.”

If there was any chance of her saying yes it vanished when he lowered his head and met her lips. She felt the urge to pull away as soon as she saw his head lowering, but remained still. When he tried to deepen the kiss by pressing his tongue between her lips, she couldn’t stop herself and pushed at him as she pulled away.

“
NO
!” She jerked away, staring at him with revulsion.

Never had she ever thought of Bob Green as a lover—it was perverse! Just as perverse in her mind as if she had lain with Tom or John. Bob Green had always been a brother to her. He could have been Tom’s fraternal twin as far as her perception of him was concerned, but when she saw the pain enter his eyes it tore at her. Bob wasn’t her brother. As far as anyone knew, he was a young child with a funny accent left at the orphanage in the middle of the night, dressed completely in green clothes, hence his name. (Bobby, he remembered at three years of age and told the nurses. They kept it.)

“It’s all right.” He stood up and moved into the other room. “I can understand.”

“No. I don’t think you can,” she said softly as she walked after him, stopping him as he was about to leave the house altogether. “I don’t think you understand at all.”

“What is there to understand, Maddie? I’ve loved you all my life—Christ, do you know how strange that is? While Joe, Jackie, John and Tom were outside playing football, I offered to sit and play with you while Mom made supper. I was ten years old and you were three—and I loved you. When I was fourteen and started to get sexually aroused, I thought I was sick because the thought of taking advantage of a seven-year-old made me ill. But I didn’t want to be with anyone else. You filled me completely. At seventeen I finally went out with a girl and lost my virginity. Seventeen, Maddie! Around here, guys don’t usually wait that long. They all started to think I was queer because I was still a virgin. You don’t know how close you were to losing yours at that creek two summers ago when you were fifteen—but I would have stopped myself-even if Joe hadn’t. I love you. I didn’t want to make you do anything too fast. Fifteen wasn’t right for you—you couldn’t have handled it. No, there’s nothing for me to understand here—except I love you and you love Joe McNier.”

He tried to leave again, but Maddie stopped him as she put her arms around his waist. “I love you, Bob. I’ve always
loved
you too. But you never let me know how you felt. Can you blame me for thinking of you as a brother. When you kissed me—I might as well have been kissing Tom or John. Please, Bob, I don’t want to hurt you. Don’t be angry because I can’t respond yet.”

“Yet?” He tipped her head back again. “Did you say yet?”

“Yes.”

“Then I can wait a little longer—but not much longer. I have needs too. And if our plan is to work, we better get married damn fast.”

“How
damn
fast?”

“I can apply for a license tomorrow. Tonight, I think we better call Mom and tell her we plan to get married. That you missed a period and we suspect you’re pregnant. You’ll stay here from now on.”

“Oh, Bob,” she sighed. “It’s all happening so fast.”

“Your baby—no, I mean
our
baby—isn’t going to wait.”

“No, it isn’t. Where am I going to sleep tonight?”

“My bed. I’ll sleep down here on the couch if you want me to. I don’t want to. But if you want me to, I will.”

“Maybe we better go out to see Mom. I’ll need some clothes and stuff anyway. She’ll take it better if we’re there. But . . . .”

“What?” Disappointment crept over his handsome features.

“But Dad, that’s what. You tell him—not me.”

“Oh shit! I forgot!!” His relief at not being refused again was short-lived when she reminded him of her father.

“Almost makes you wish you hadn’t offered, doesn’t it?” She smiled sadly.

“Truthfully—yes. But I won’t pull out now. I’m getting what I wanted in a roundabout way. It’ll be worth it.” He took her arm and headed out to the car parked on the busy street in front of the house.

“Bob, about the sleeping arrangements . . . .”

“I won’t force you,” he said simply.

“But tonight—I think we ought to start sleeping in the same bed at least. I’ll never get used to you if you sleep on the couch. It shouldn’t be too much of a shock—I mean, if circumstances called for it, like, I don’t know, being stranded somewhere with only one bed maybe. I’d sleep with Tom or John. They wouldn’t sleep on the floor if there was a bed—they’d make me sleep on the floor. But I think I’d do it—sleep with them I mean. We’d probably be clinging to the sides or shoving each other away if we got too close though,” she rambled.

“Shut up and get in the car. I get the message.” He opened her door then moved to his side of the car, sitting behind the steering wheel. “But don’t count on me shoving you away. I can’t guarantee I won’t hold you close in my sleep.”

Once at Maddie’s house, she started up the sloping walkway as she had done hundreds of times after a trip in Bob’s car. This time though, Bob whistled for her attention then slipped his arm around her waist before continuing.

“We were supposed to have been intimate already, remember?” he asked through clenched teeth as he smiled at Sarah who was watching their approach from the kitchen. “Make it look good, sweetheart.”

“What’s this?” Sarah was getting a glass of water. “You giving out hugs today, Bob?”