My Heart Can't Tell You No (29 page)

“Joe.”

“You’ve got to stop hurting.” Another step.

“Mommy!”

There was Jackie on the other side of the creek.
Stay
back!
Jackie!
Don’t
come
any
closer!
Joe!
Stay
away
from
the
edge!
NO!
Jackie,
stay
back!
Joe,
come
back!

“Let them go, Maddie.” Bob stood next to her, holding his arm around her waist as he watched them getting closer to the raging water.

“NO! Jackie! Joe!”

“MOMMY!” His little legs carried him in a run toward her just as Joe took a final step away from her, plunging them both into the muddy waters.

“NO!” she cried, trying to pull out of her husband’s embrace but his hold tightened.

“Let them go. Now we can be together. We can start out fresh. We can have more babies. It’s our time.”

Her eyes stayed on the water, tears streaming down her face as she tried to tear away from him. She could see Joe’s and Jackie’s bodies bobbing up twice, then they were gone.

“NO!” she screamed at Bob.

“Maddie! Don’t!”

“Let me go!” She was shoving the arms away from her. “Jackie! Joe!”

“Maddie—don’t. Stop it.” This time it was Joe’s voice coming to her, holding her, trying to restrain her.

“I’ve got to get them!” she cried, still not thinking straight as she fought the man on the bed. Her attempts to get away were keeping her from realizing where she was.

“Maddie! Wake up.
Wake
up
!” Joe’s hands were trying to capture hers, but the recognition was slow to seep in. “Maddie—it’s okay. You’re safe.”

“No—Jackie! We’ve got to get Jackie and Joe.” Her fighting stopped as she leaned against him, her tears bringing the words in a moan. “We can’t let them go.”

“Maddie. I’m right here,” he breathed against the top of her head as his hands got lost in the mass of her hair.

Her crying was agonizing—she seemed to die a little in his arms. She felt his tender kisses on the top of her head before he tilted her head back to look at her with a longing that made her sleepiness slowly fade, to be replaced with a longing of her own. And the relief, oh the relief that he was there with her and not drowned under those waters.

“Joe,” she whispered as she looked at him, her fingers tenderly coming up to his face as if to make sure it was really him and he was really there.

“Don’t cry anymore.” His mouth moved to her face, tasting her tears as he kissed her cheeks and then her eyes. “I won’t let anything hurt you. Don’t cry.”

His mouth met hers so gently. Tasting and exploring without forcing. He was kindling a fire that the mere closeness of him had already sparked moments earlier. She needed to feel him. She needed to be sure he was here. Her hands went around his neck, pulling him to her as she answered his kiss. Ever since he had taught her that first kiss, that was all it would take to turn her past any point her husband could ever coax her to.

“Joe. Make love to me. Now,” she breathed against his mouth as she moved onto her knees, slipping one leg over his as she sat on him and pressed against his chest. All those years of carrying the memory of his lovemaking, and the lonely nights in her husband’s bed, turned her to a fiery passion and longing only Joe seemed able to satisfy.

His deep moan made any throbbing that was already driving her, race madly. Her legs came up around his hips as he stood with her, holding her tightly in place as he took his first steps toward the larger bedroom and the larger bed. He stopped, looking down at her with a hunger that made her pull his head down to hers again. She tightened her legs around him, pressing harder against the part of him that was already making her breathing irregular. He walked with her, holding one hand across her bottom, pulling her against him to increase the erotic pleasure his steps were creating. But instead of going to the bed, he placed her on the low dresser. He pulled away from her kiss but her legs refused to release their hold. Her mouth went to his chest when she could no longer have the warm moistness of his lips to cling to, her lips and tongue tasting his skin, taking pleasure from the feel of the lean muscle. Her tongue met his left nipple, rolling around it before moving back toward the center of his chest. She felt the quiver that shook him and heard the release of breath through clenched teeth as she moved to the other side of his chest. She knew he had no control over the sensual movements of his hips as they stroked their bodies together. Just as she couldn’t control the way she was pulling his hips against her with a need that was ripping her apart. She felt his hands lifting her T-shirt and bra, pulling her hands from him one at a time before she realized what he was doing; then, as she moved her head back, she helped him remove them completely. She felt him lift her arms again, looking down at her as he brought her hands to his mouth, first kissing and gently nibbling the fingers on her right hand, then her left. Pausing when he came to her ring, he looked at it through pain-filled eyes before lowering her hands and pulling her possessively against him. Crushing her to his chest as his mouth met hers, he bruised her lips in a kiss filled with anger.

“You’re mine! Do you hear me?” He growled hoarsely as he moved her to the bed.

“Yes.”

She didn’t care what he was saying, it made little difference to her. All she wanted was the pressure of his mouth on hers again. He dropped her on the bed, lying on top of her as his hands moved into the thickness of her hair, pulling it until her head was tipped back awkwardly.

“Why?! Goddamn you, Maddie! Why didn’t you wait?!”

She couldn’t make sense of his words. Why didn’t she wait for what? Coming out to help them at the creek? Was he still angry about that? She didn’t care—for even his small infliction of pain was sending shivers through her, making her twist her hips against him.

“Love me, Joe,” she said softly, her voice shaking from the sensations flowing through her. It wasn’t a question—rather a request.

“Shut up.” His grip tightened, but, when the pulling became too much and she let out a small cry of pain, he released it and moved his kiss back to her lips.

His hand moved down her left arm to meet her hand, bringing it up close to their faces as his fingers entwined with hers. Her free hand roamed over his back, meeting the elastic of the underpants still hugging his hips until he rolled off of her and got to the floor. She watched him remove the briefs as she pushed her own down, not even having them completely off before he was reaching for her again. His mouth moved to her neck, the sensations he was making her feel were sending her hands up to pull him closer as his tongue moistened the hollow of her throat. His decline to her shoulder sent her fingers through his hair, feeling its thickness and trying to quicken his descent to her breast. The first time his mouth had touched her there she was only sixteen and the pleasurable shock was jolting—this time was no different as he wasted no time moving to the nipple his fingers had already hardened. His body moved between her legs as his tongue rolled around the hardened stone, sending electric jolts through her as she tried to pull him closer. His suckling brought a low moan from her as his hips moved against her. Her movements to ease the pressure he was building inside, and her soft panting brought his head up as he looked at her. He pulled her hands from him, raising them to lie on the pillows and holding them there while he positioned himself over her.

“Do you want this, Maddie?”

She looked up at him, seeing the sweat coating his face and chest. She felt a deep need to touch him but wasn’t allowed to move her hands. She knew she had never wanted anybody this much, and never would. She slowly nodded her head yes as she stared into his eyes, her lips feeling dry until her tongue moistened them.

“Are you sure?” he insisted. “Goddamn you, Maddie! You tell me that you’re sure!!”

She could see the restraint in his body as he pressed against her while leaning over her.

“Let go of my hands.” Her voice was hoarse, yearning for him to fill her.

He released them, allowing the movement she needed to reach for him; guiding him to her as her legs went around him. At her touch he almost fell on her, his restraint breaking completely. Their union was fast-paced, each needing the immediate release that only the other’s body could bring, taking Maddie higher than she had gone in such a very long time before she felt the explosion within. Her body moved uncontrollably against him, sounds escaping her that she had never realized she was capable of making. She grabbed tightly onto Joe so she wouldn’t fly away with the explosion. Then the sudden falling, spinning her around as she tried to hold his back tighter, feeling him shudder as he called out her name. Thrusting roughly into her until she was sure she would tear in two. Thrusting again and again, then the way he trembled all over, his legs pushing against her a final time until he lay motionless.

This was her Joe. The boy she had idolized and dreamt about. The man she loved and needed. The man who showed her strength and compassion. The man who showed her tenderness as well as aggression in their lovemaking. The man who betrayed her and used her. She wouldn’t think about it. If she were to think about it now, she would go insane. Instead, she slipped her arms around him as she felt his heartbeat thumping, joining the still-quickened beat of her own.

CHAPTER XV
 

M
addie didn’t know how long Joe had lain on top of her. She didn’t know if he were sleeping or just as awake as she as the gray light flowed over them from the window at the head of the bed. She hadn’t realized it was so close to morning. Normally, after making love she was too exhausted to stay awake. It was a shock to find she was still alert—mellow, but alert. The movement of Joe’s head as he mumbled her name told her that he was indeed asleep. She didn’t mind; she took a special comfort in it. Bob usually pulled away from her as soon as he had finished, and turned to the other side of the bed. Though he would sometimes pull her against him during his sleep, he didn’t like being touched after sex.

Joe’s hands had moved under her long ago, holding onto her shoulders, but, as he began to stir, his hands moved from beneath her, sliding over the softness of her arms. She felt the rough calloused palms send shivers tingling through her. She tried to look at his face, but her slight movement woke him. She didn’t expect his reaction; he quickly lifted himself on his elbows and looked down at her through glaring eyes.

“
Jesus
Christ
!” He started to pull away, but recognition entered and softened his eyes, bringing a slow, soft smile to his features as he lay back down. “Maddie.”

“If you don’t move soon, my whole body will be asleep,” she lied, feeling a bit self-conscious and not knowing what else to say as he looked at her.

He slowly withdrew from her while keeping his eyes fixed on her face, then rolled onto the sheet and pulled her on top of him as he covered them. He let go of her, letting her decide whether she would move back onto the mattress or not.

She chose to move onto the bed but turned on her side toward him to see the face she could now view fully. As she looked at him he brought his hand up, rubbing over stubble and making a rasping sound that turned up the corners of her mouth.

“You need a shave,” she said quietly.

“I’ll get to it—if he has a decent razor around here. If not, then you’ll have to put up with my beard, like it or not.”

“I don’t mind, under the circumstances. But he better have a descent razor—I won’t put up with hairy legs.”

“I hope you mean your legs because that’s something I
won’t
shave for you.” He turned on his side and draped his leg over hers, drawing it between his as he looked down at her, sleep still filling his eyes. “How long was I out?”

“I don’t know. Half an hour maybe.”

“I told you last night I was tired. I thought I was
too
tired. I guess I wasn’t after all.”

She listened to him, liking the sound of his voice as it almost purred to her. His sleepiness making it kind of gritty, kind of smooth, kind of nice.

“Were you up early yesterday morning?”

He looked at his watch then placed his arm around her waist again. “If I was out for half an hour, then I got about four hours sleep within the last twenty-four.”

“You did all that on just three hours sleep. Aren’t you the vigorous one?” she asked, not knowing exactly where the freedom for her to speak like that was coming from, but not stopping to ponder it either.

“Maybe—or maybe just horny.”

“
Joe
!” Her surprise at his comment brought a smile to him.

His finger came up to trace her lips. She didn’t really know what he was doing. He caressed her in the oddest ways, and the most pleasing. His mouth moved slowly toward hers, his lips clinging and moving in an oddly sensual way, quickening her pulse as she moved her hand up to feel where their mouths met.

“Why do you have to be so Goddamn beautiful, Maddie? Why couldn’t you have gotten fat as a cow after you were pregnant?”

“What?” She narrowed her eyes at him. She didn’t know what he was talking about. Beautiful? She was barely passable with makeup—without it she thought she was on the downside of average.

She watched as his eyes moved along her face, searching for something—she didn’t know what. His fingers moved down her cheek, over her neck. They paused, his gaze seeming amused as he looked where his fingers were stroking her throat. The laughter left his eyes as they followed his fingers softly moving over her shoulder. The roughness of his hand felt good on her tender skin as it slid over her arm and on to her hand. His lips touched hers again as his hand moved lower, across her waist and hip, roaming over her behind then down to her thigh; he pulled her leg from between his legs until it was over his hip. He was lightly touching her as his lips moved slowly against hers before his tongue deepened the kiss. Its slowness brightened the embers still warm inside of her. His hand backtracked its journey until he was holding her left breast. When she opened her eyes and looked at him, his eyes were still closed; he was as involved in their touching as she was, and the sight consumed her. How many times had she awakened in her husband’s bed aching from the memory of a dream that had her in Joe’s arms? But he was real and very solid as he kissed her and touched her. He pulled his head back and looked at her with a lazy smile touching his eyes.

“Why do you always do this to me, Maddie?”

He pulled her back over top of him, letting both hands move over her back then on to her buttocks where he lifted her until his mouth was on her chest. His stubble brushed against the nipple his hand had just left and sent fiery jolts through her before his tongue encircled it. He tenderly pulled it into his mouth as he bit and suckled in a rhythm that brought her arms to the bed to steady herself. His hands were on her small, firm backside, kneading and rubbing as she spread her legs around him. She wanted to touch him, needed to touch him, but when she moved to get off of him, she stopped and looked at him.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

“For what?” His voice was puzzled.

“I wanted to . . . I was going to . . . never mind.”

“You were moving. Are you uncomfortable?”

“No—I just wanted to. Never mind, it isn’t important.”

“Maddie?” One brow rose, telling her he wanted an answer.

“With my hands up there, I can’t . . . .” She paused. “I told you it wasn’t important.”

His smile warmed her. His understanding became clear as he turned back onto his side and took her hand in his before placing it on his stomach. “Is this what you wanted?”

Her blush grew as her fingers moved over his stomach, feeling the thin line of hair that traveled downward from his chest then trailed lower to the thicker, coarser hair that brought a muffled groan from him.

“This is more like it,” she said very quietly.

“You’re not used to doing things your way, are you? If you want it, it’s important.”

He pushed her onto her back but remained on his side, giving her the access she wanted as his mouth moved over hers again. His hand covered hers, moving with it, teaching her the rhythm that pleased him. Her touch was making him press a little closer, and the knowledge that he wanted her to do this as much as she wanted to do it aroused her even more. His touch moved over her thighs, then between them, making her press her hips toward him as his fingers moved with her to bring a soft panting from between her parted lips. His touch was turning her on fire, chasing away any modesty as her hand worked to take him to a point as electrified as she. Her hips were gyrating with him, trembling with need. As his mouth searched her lips and tongue low guttural sounds escaped the back of his throat. He was leaning against her, and she could feel his body shake from the pleasure she was giving him. She knew he was holding back, wanting to be sure she was feeling the glow as brightly as he was. Suddenly his hand stopped, and he leaned more fully against her side, immobilizing her hand as he slowly drew his head back far enough to speak.

“I don’t think . . . we can go on like this much longer, kid.”

His mouth moved back to hers as he pulled his body away, letting her decide if she wanted him to go on as they were or have him move on top of her. She put her hands on his upper arms, turning against him in a silent answer. This time when he turned onto his back and pulled her on top, he didn’t hesitate lifting her body and slowly filling the sheath she could feel stretching around him. His hands held her hips firmly, lifting her slowly before drawing her down again, their lovemaking sending sparks through her, making any words she could try to say come out incoherently. She was like a moth after a flame as she moved against him, pushing past the sparks to the heady flame. Its rawness pushing her even farther until her nails dug into the tops of his shoulders to keep from flying away in the explosion. She heard his painful intake of breath before his grasp tightened immensely and he pulled her down on him forcefully, twice more as he rose to meet her. But the sound made little sense to her as his arms came around her tightly, pulling her against him in a bear-like hug then slowly releasing the force to cling to her as his mouth sought hers. Slow deep kisses let their needs for one another be shown, although they were quite spent and fulfilled.

Maddie fell into a deep peaceful sleep, waking only once when she felt him turn with her and withdraw from her. She felt empty as she reached for him, his hands soothing her back under sleep’s spell.

“It’s all right. I won’t leave you.”

When Maddie woke she wasn’t sure what time it was. With the sun hidden it could be anytime between eight o’clock in the morning and four in the afternoon, and, with the electricity out, no clocks ran and the wind-up alarm had run down long ago. She looked over at Joe. He was deep in sleep with his leg across both of hers. His arm was also across her, with his hand cupping her left breast. Slowly she lifted his hand, turning it to see that his watch read two o’clock. She moved his arm between them, then slowly drew one leg at a time from beneath his, but, as she was about to turn to get up, his arm came around her again and pulled her to him as he pressed his face to her hair.

“Don’t leave me, Maddie.”

She looked over at him, but he was still sleeping; just how soundly she wasn’t sure, so she waited a minute before moving his arm again. This time she managed to get to the floor and didn’t hesitate dressing. She found the wind-up alarm clock and headed downstairs, setting it to the time on Joe’s watch before placing it on the kitchen table.

It was cool and damp as she moved on to the bathroom and stopped in front of the mirror. She picked up a brush, but, the sight of her neck covered with maroon blotches made her clutch the sink for support. She remembered the amusement in Joe’s eyes when he had looked at her neck a few hours earlier.
Goddamn
him!
He would think it was funny! He had left his mark and he had marked her well. Well, at least he didn’t leave the mark he had left for her four years ago. The thought no sooner passed through her mind than tears welled up in her eyes, remembering the conversation she had with Bob the day before.
“What
a
time
to
be
in
the
middle
of
a
flood
 . . .
according
to
my
calendar
 . . .
these
next
few
days
are
crucial.”
The tears spilled along with an anguished sob as she slowly sank to the floor. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have done this to Bob? They had been trying to have a baby for three years. She had been to many doctors before being sent to a gynecologist who specialized in infertility. After she had submitted to many painful tests, they were working on a personal calendar for her. The timing was important—a last chance for Bob.

She didn’t know how long she sat on the floor, leaning against the sink and holding that brush in her hands. Her mind was in a dazed fog; she could have been there for hours—or was it only minutes? She rose to her feet, deciding it would be better to keep moving, keep busy.

She moved into the middle room to pick up her clothes. At least they were dry, she thought as she started to pull them on, then stopped when she remembered Joe’s were outside hanging in the rain.
Good
! Let them stay there! But no, she decided it would be better to occupy herself with getting them in to dry, rather than sitting and doing nothing out of spite. So she kept her jeans and shirt off; it would be easier to just put on her raincoat to go out for his clothes. She could dry her legs off easily with a towel; her jeans, though, would take hours until they were dry again.

Pulling on her coat, she opened the door, hesitating a moment before closing it behind her. It was cold! She ran across the yard and pulled the clothes down with a yank then ran back to the porch. She was about to go in when she glanced back toward her father’s old workshop, an orangish-beige-shingled, wooden structure about the size of a small cabin. They needed something to cook on; her cousin might have a small camping stove out there. That was where her father had kept his when they lived there. The thought brought a smile when she realized how little things like that were coming back to her.