My Heart Can't Tell You No (56 page)

The knock at the front door brought Maddie’s head back from him, but his hands caught her to resume the kiss that was turning his loins to a steady throb.

“Let it go,” he whispered to her.

“I can’t.” She kissed him quickly, then shifted from beneath him. “What if it’s Mom? You don’t want her standing out there in the cold.”

“What would Mom be doing down here at eleven o’clock at night? And we just saw her when we picked up the boys.” He rolled onto his back, watching her a second as she started out of the room before getting up to follow her.

“Beth?” Maddie opened the door for her sister-in-law to enter. “Is something wrong up at the house?”

“No.” She glanced at Joe, then back to Maddie. “Everything’s fine. I wanted to talk to you, but by the time I got my shoes on and got up to the house, you were already gone. Where are the boys? In bed already?”

“
Uh-huh
. Robby was sleeping and Jackie wasn’t far behind. Come in and sit down. So, what did you want to talk about?”

Beth turned her gaze back to Joe, looking at him with an expression he couldn’t fathom, though it was making him ill at ease. Whatever she had on her mind, it held no interest for him.

“I think I’ll go in to bed. Goodnight Beth.”

“You’re not going to bed now, are you, Joe? I just got here.” Beth’s smile broadened, inviting further conversation. “You’ll make me feel unwelcome.”

“Sorry, Beth, but I got up early today. Maybe Maddie and the boys and I will come down to your place tomorrow,” Joe said absently as he silently implored Maddie to make the visit a quick one and come back to bed. She gave his hand a gentle squeeze; so, sighing deeply, he turned and started back for the bedroom.

“Night, Joe.” Beth turned back to Maddie, her tone turning dry. “Well, guess what your brother did again.”

“Oh my God! Congratulations, Beth! That’s wonderful!” Maddie answered with an enthusiasm that was missing from the other woman.

Just what was
wonderful
, Joe didn’t hear as he closed the door behind him. He had intended to wait up for Maddie but after the first half hour he drifted off into a sleep that had images of laughing children running through his head. He knew those children well; Robby and Jackie playing on the living room floor that had no walls. And outside, in the green grass of many summers ago was the first Jackie, Johnny, Tommy and Bobby. Laughing; everyone laughing; having fun as only children can. That there was someone missing didn’t occur to Joe as he watched his old playmates in the background while the two boys of today were romping on the floor in the foreground. His heart felt light, enthusiasm filling him as he looked toward Johnny and Jackie Baker. They had something to do. They had something planned, but he couldn’t remember exactly what. It didn’t matter. They were his friends. Wherever they were going, he knew they would find adventure. He looked down at Robby and Jackie Green. They were such handsome children. Why couldn’t they see him. He was standing only a few feet away and still he was invisible to them.

“Hey, Irish! You gonna come out and play? Can you keep up with us? Come on—come out with us!” Jackie Baker called to him in laughter.

“He can’t keep up with us,” Bobby told his friends. “He’ll never be able to keep up.”

“What’s the matter,
Daddy
?” Jackie Green’s voice was cold, snide, as he stood before him. “Can’t you keep up with Bob Green?”

“Come on, Jackie—Robby. Daddy’s waiting.” Maddie stood in front of him, lifting Robby into her arms as she took Jackie’s hand and started for the edge of the floor in the direction of little Bobby Green. “Daddy’s waiting.”

“No!” Joe went after them. “He can’t be their father! He’s only a boy!”

“Take care of Mouse.” Jackie Baker stood in the greenness of the field, no longer a boy, but a man in uniform covered in blood, his face blown away by a mysterious bullet.

“I am! I’m trying!” Joe looked at the dead soldier who was talking to him, a shiver splitting his spine in two.

“Come on, boys. Daddy’s waiting.” Maddie was still going toward little Bobby Green.

“No! They’re not his! They’re mine now!” He pulled Jackie back as he grabbed Robby from Maddie’s arms. He watched in horror as she lost her grip on her child and fell over the edge of the floor. Falling into green nothingness that encompassed her. “NO! Maddie!”

“Take care of Mouse!” Jackie Baker held his gun over his shoulder as he looked at Joe through a face that was gone. “Looks be damned.”

“Bob, you bastard!” Joe looked at the child who laughed at him without mercy.

“You’ve got the kids! But where’s Maddie?” Bobby laughed.

“Maddie!”

“Take care of Mouse.”

“Joe! Wake up!” Maddie’s voice broke through to him, snapping his eyes open to see her leaning over him, her hair falling over one shoulder, its darkness contrasting with the white of the satin nightgown that hugged her slimness.

“
Maddie
!” His hands went around her, pulling her down on top of him as he clung to her in desperation. “God—don’t leave me.”

“Joe?” She tossed her black mane over her shoulder again as she looked down at him through concerned eyes. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

He felt a surge of nausea at the memory of the
two
ghosts who had intruded upon an otherwise peaceful dream. He turned toward her to bury his face against her neck.
Damn
! He hadn’t dreamed about Jackie Baker’s suicide in years! Why now? Why, when he was finally getting his life together, did they have to trespass on his sleep? Subconsciously he stroked the smooth material covering Maddie’s waist, his breathing still rapid as he tried to lose himself in the essence of her being.

“Just don’t go,” he whispered.

He felt her fingers stroking his hair, soothing him as she held him close, her lips occasionally touching the top of his head in reassurance that she was right there and didn’t intend to go anywhere.

CHAPTER XXXI
 

J
oe woke with the sunlight pouring through the window, cascading a golden curtain over the bed. He remembered the dream that had made him cling to Maddie the night before, and the way she had soothed him until his tension had eased and he was once again able to go back to sleep without the tight sensation that the dream would return. He let his gaze move from the thick black hair before him, to the thin straps over her still-tanned shoulders. Her arm was lying across him as he held her close, her fingers lightly resting on the dark hair of his forearm. He didn’t know if she had sensed his awakening or if he had somehow roused her as she stretched her legs, then slowly started to pull away from him before turning to nestle against him. Again, a smile curved his lips as he saw she was still sleeping, her nightgown riding up over her thighs as she lifted one leg over him.

“What did I ever do so right to be allowed to have you?” he asked softly, his fingers pushing a strand of her hair back from her face.

“Where is everyone?” Sarah entered Maddie’s living room to see her daughter working at her desk.

“Joe’s in town and Jackie and Robby are down at John’s.” She took off her glasses and turned to look at her mother. “What brings you down? This certainly is a rare treat.”

“Nothing really. I was just out looking at the rose bushes and thought I’d stop in to use your facilities, then perhaps have a visit.”

“I have a fresh pot of coffee, I’ll get us a cup.” Maddie went to the kitchen and poured two cups, then moved them to the table as her mother came back and took her seat.

“It smells good.” Sarah drew her cup in front of her as she watched the steam rising.

Maddie knew something was bothering her. “So, what’s up?”

“I guess I should ask
you
that.” Sarah looked up at her.

“What are you talking about?” Maddie asked as she took a seat opposite her mother.

“Are you telling him about this one?” Sarah’s voice sent shivers of warning through Maddie. “Bob isn’t here to take the blame this time, ya know; or should I say, take the
credit
?”

“I—take it—you saw the pregnancy test in the bathroom.” Maddie watched her closely.

“I saw it. Are you going to tell him?”

“Why shouldn’t I tell him?”

“You didn’t tell him about the other two.”

“No. I didn’t. But I don’t see what they have to do with this one.” Maddie watched her own cup now, unable to look her mother in the face.

“Don’t play games with me anymore, Maddie. I’ve known for a long time who Jackie and Robby’s father is. It’s time. It’s way past time. So, you
are
going to tell him about this baby?”

“Yes.” She looked at her through a tension that was churning her stomach.

“Then tell him about Jackie and Robby too. They have just as much right to him as this one does.”

“No. I can’t do that. He’ll take the boys.” Maddie stood up, a need to do
something
pushing her to pace the kitchen.

“He’ll do what? Whatever makes you think he’ll take the boys?” Sarah asked incredulously.

“He told me if he would ever find out they were his, he’d take them and hide with them.”

“I think you misunderstood him, Maddie. He’d never keep those boys from you. And if you don’t believe that, then believe that he cares too much for
me
to take them away and risk upsetting me. That boy’s been overprotective of me since his father first started letting him come visit. So you better find a better argument than that. He’d never do it.”

“He said . . . .”

“I don’t care what he said! You may have believed such a thing at one time. But you trust him now, or you wouldn’t have him living down here with you and the boys.”

Maddie stared at her, her hand taking up a habit of long ago as she tried to twist a ring that had been gone for almost four years. Her throat felt raw, her eyes burned and her chest was heaving.

“He’s not going to find out,” Maddie said stiffly.

“Maddie,” Sarah tried again.

“It’s closed, Mom. I’m not telling him. And I’m not going to talk about it anymore.”

“
Maddie
! He has the right to know! The boys have the right to know!”

“They’ll know. Jackie already does. And Robby will find out when he turns eighteen.”

“And you think he won’t run straight to Joey and tell him? Come off it, Maddie. You see how close they are already.”

“Mom. These are
my
kids. Now drop it,” she said tensely, then looked back to her mother, her tone softening. “Mom. I’m finally finding some happiness. Can’t we just leave it at that? Can’t I be happy for once?”

“You’ll never find happiness as long as you have to keep guard over your secret.”

“
Gram
! I went to your house to see you but you weren’t home.” Robby ran across the living room toward the older woman, as his grandfather entered the house behind him.

“I’m sorry,” Sarah smiled. “Should I go back home so you can visit me?”

“No,” he laughed.

Maddie moved back to her chair, sitting down as she leaned her head in her hand. She watched as her son kissed her mother, satisfied that Sarah couldn’t continue the conversation.

“Mom?” Joe called as he entered the Baker kitchen, glancing around and seeing the house seemed empty.

“In here, Joey,” Sarah called from her bedroom.

He entered the room slowly, still in the habit of childhood that said Jack and Sarah’s bedroom was off limits. He smiled when he saw she was okay, sitting on the edge of her bed in the middle of old mementoes.

“You said you needed some help when you called. I didn’t figure it would be to clean your bedroom.”

“No.” She glanced up at him, then pointed toward her closet shelves. “I wanted to go through all this stuff, but I can’t reach those old photo albums. Think you can get them down and take them in to my chair?”

“Sure.” He reached what she wanted, then followed her as she moved into the living room and sat in her recliner. “Here ya go.”

“Sit down. You can help me sort through them. You ought to be in enough of them.”

“When were they taken?” He took an album as he sat on a neighboring chair, opening it to see pictures of the Baker family taken about twenty years before.

“Oh, they range from forty to twenty years ago.”

“I take it this is one of the more recent albums. Let me see the one with pictures taken forty years ago.” He grabbed the next album, but Jackie and John were only about six and seven years old. “This one isn’t it.”

“No. That was about thirty years ago. You can look at that one though. There are pictures of you and Bob in it. God, you must have only been five in the first pictures. There are some of Bob when he went to kindergarten with Tom too. Turn the page. I think I have your First Grade picture there.”

Joe looked over each of the pictures, smiling as early childhood memories of his friends came to him. Then he finally turned the page, recognizing the photograph of himself instantly.

“Look at that hair. Looks like I needed a hair cut—at least for back in those days.”

He looked up at Sarah, noticing for the first time the intensity of her gaze.

“There may be one on the next page where you’re even younger,” she said calmly, but he sensed a force behind her words that made him turn the page immediately. She was looking for something—he just didn’t know what.

The next page held a photograph of him wearing a pair of shorts and a tattered T-shirt, but it was the picture lying next to it that caught his attention.

“How’d this get in there? This was just taken recently,” he said when he turned it over.

“I don’t think I remember,” Sarah said quietly as she took the loose photograph and placed it next to the picture of himself, both of them staring at Robby clothed in shorts and T-shirt. “Sometimes Jack gets into these and I never know how I’m going to find them.”

“Let him rip up his shirt a little and get it dirty and he’d look just like . . . ,” Joe’s smile faded, the realization of what he had been about to say, hitting him. “All that hair,” Joe said flatly, absently.

The picture of Robby lay next to the one of himself, both boys smiling back up at him. How long had he been staring at them? He didn’t know. The recognition was there. It hit him like a sledgehammer, making his breathing labored. He saw it in the hair. He saw it in the eyes—the eyes that had always looked so familiar to him before, but he had been too blind to see. He saw it in the nose, and he saw it in the mouth. The picture
above
the pair he had been studying reminded him of something he had heard almost four years ago.
He
looks
just
like
his
father.
Bob Green’s childhood picture only proved that Robby looked nothing like
him
. But Joe’s eyes were drawn back to the lower pictures.

“I see you noticed Robby’s charming grin,” Sarah said in a voice that didn’t sound quite as light as she tried to make it. “Just where he gets those shiny brown eyes, I don’t know. His brother has the same eyes. Not quite like their mother’s are they?”

Her comment only made the tightness in his chest feel heavier. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say. He felt weak and he felt restless. His eyes closed, the muscles in his jaws tensing until he realized he was painfully grinding his teeth. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked at the woman he had come to love as his own mother.

“Are—you—saying . . . .” His voice was hoarse, breathless.

“Saying what, Joey? I don’t have enough facts to say too much. If you’re interested in details about when you were smaller, I bet you could find them in papers your dad had. Is that how you knew your mother was from Ireland? Your birth certificate? They usually have a lot of useful information.”

So what was she telling him? He knew she wanted to tell him something but was unable, leaving a trail of hints for him to follow and pick up. Birth certificates? Would that show him what he suspected she was trying to tell him—what he
feared
she was trying to tell him. God! He was being torn in two! He prayed they weren’t his sons—he longed for them to be his sons.

“You—wouldn’t know where he would have left my birth certificate—would you?”

“Most people put such things in a filing cabinet—or if it’s something they want to keep extra secure or hidden, in a safe.” She looked up at him through eyes welling with wetness before turning her gaze to the floor, refusing to let him see the emotion searing her heart.

He managed to get to his feet, walking by subconscious will as he tried to grasp any number of thoughts that were tumbling in his mind.

“I—have to go now.”

“I know,” she said simply, still refusing to look at him.

His steps carried him to the rear of the house, then onward as he noticed the steel bar in his hand as he started down the path leading to Maddie’s. Maddie. A quiet false laugh erupted from him. Who in the hell—and what in the hell was Maddie. He looked down at the bar, seeing it was a small crowbar. He didn’t remember picking it up, didn’t remember coming up with a plan to use it. But it was there as he pushed open the front door.

There, against the wall was the combination filing cabinet and safe. They were locked as he suspected they would be, provoking him into shoving the bar between the cracks of the drawers with a force that slammed the large cabinet against the wall. One powerful push and the drawer popped open, exposing files lettered from A to H.

The files came out carelessly, dropping to the floor as he searched for the appropriate one. His fingers touched the folder marked
BIRTH
CERTIFICATES
and he opened it so fast that he nearly tore it in two, but anguish washed over him as he saw there was only one birth certificate in it, that of Madelyn Kelly Baker. “
Or
if
it’s
something
they
want
to
keep
extra
secure
or
hidden,
in
a
safe.”

His gaze turned to the other half of the cabinet. It was opened in seconds, Joe’s anger not allowing him to see the large gashes that his forceful jabs were putting in the wall. He remembered clearly the last time he had seen that safe opened and the crumbled piece of paper Maddie had put into it. He brought the crowbar down against the lock, immediately disabling it and allowing him to pop the smaller door open, exposing the treasure he was looking for and the treasure he didn’t want to see.