My Heart Can't Tell You No (73 page)

Her crying was coming harder, her weight coming onto Joe and John more and more. Joe knew she didn’t have any idea where she was or where she was going.

“Sit her down here.” Maddie pulled over a chair when they reached the doorway to the foyer and her legs finally gave way completely.

“Goodbye, Lew!” The older brother’s voice cracked loudly as he stood at the casket again. From the corner of Joe’s eye, he saw the man almost collapse as Sarah had, but the man’s sons hurried quickly to him from the foyer, where they had been waiting for him.

“Here, give her a tissue,” Beth said, her face red and tear-stained as she tried to give her mother-in-law a tissue, but Sarah pushed her hand away.

“I got one!” she said angrily. “I’m okay. Just leave me alone!”

Joe looked at Maddie as she sat next to her mother. Though her crying was still coming forcefully, she looked up at him and shook her head. They were to stay where they were. Sarah didn’t know what she was saying or doing—only striking out at those most convenient for the death of her baby brother.

It took many minutes before Sarah’s crying turned into a heavy breathing she tried to control. Harry and Marie had already returned to their cars. The only people remaining in the room were Lew’s immediate family. Wayne seemed to be torn between his father and concern for his favorite aunt as he stood looking from one to the other.

“You ready, Mom?” Maddie asked softly, making the woman turn in her seat and look at her as if she were unaware of her presence.

“Yeah,” she gasped softly, then took a final look back toward Lew, but his family was standing around him, blocking her view. “I’m ready.”

Joe and John each took a side of her as Maddie and Beth helped her with her coat then hurried ahead to open the doors. They placed her in her car next to Tom as he sat behind the steering wheel and stared straight ahead. Joe helped Maddie in, then watched as John and Beth moved back to their car. Being only a nephew, John’s car was four vehicles back; whereas, the car Joe was riding in was that of a sister and was directly behind the family car. As Joe watched Janet being escorted out to the limousine he could see she was sedated heavily.

How long did it take for the hearse to finally drive out of the funeral home’s driveway to lead the long procession? Joe didn’t know, but it seemed an hour. He realized though, that it was really no longer than ten minutes. Sarah’s weeping was subsiding, she seemed to be gaining the control she had lost inside. Maddie was sitting next to him, leaning against him as he braced his arm around her, her crying turning to soft hiccoughs.

“Now who’s going to teach our baby about laughter, Joe?” Maddie asked quietly through tears that started up again as Tom pulled onto the street, then out the highway toward the cemetery.

“I don’t know,” he said softly as he gently kissed her forehead.

They followed the hearse to a large cemetery that was only a few miles from the Baker house. His grave was at the very top of the cemetery, overlooking farms and forests. It was beautiful there. It was the veterans’ section of the cemetery. They watched as bearers carried his coffin from the hearse to the grave. Joe helped Sarah to her feet, then looked back at Maddie.

Miraculously, the wind had died down and let the sun shine brightly. They all stood around the grave and the minister began his remarks, much the same as what he had said back at the funeral home, then ending with another short prayer. Maddie moved to stand to one side of her mother as Beth stood on the other, but it was her daughter’s hand that Sarah took, her daughter’s support that was not rejected. As John and Tom moved up to stand next to Joe, he heard a loud gasp. He turned to John, seeing his best friend’s final straw break as John moved quickly out of the group of people and back to his car where he stood facing the opposite direction. After a moment, Beth went to his side, allowing Joe to replace her position near Sarah. It wasn’t long before Tom moved away, going to Sarah’s car, where he stood with his back to the crowd, his shoulders heaving as he tried, just as unsuccessfully as his brother, to hide the sorrow he was feeling.

All the crying and sobbing had returned, but, throughout the ceremony, the wind remained still, creating a warmth that was comforting. Finally the group began to disperse. Joe and Maddie walked Sarah back to her car, but they were stopped by her oldest sister.

“Sarah.” Marie seemed to be trying not to cry, but, as she reached Sarah, everything broke loose and she wrapped her arms around her sister. “We lost our baby.”

Sarah took a deep breath as she held one hand to her older sister’s back, patting it as if she were consoling a child. “Yes. We lost our baby. We lost our beautiful, black-haired, brown-eyed, baby boy.”

Joe couldn’t take much more. He turned to the car, resting his hands on the roof as he stared off into the view stretching out before them. Maddie moved next to him, softly stroking his back as their tears began to fall again. Shaking his head briskly, he wiped his eyes, then turned to help Sarah into the car. Harry came to the car then, his tears flowing as easily as Marie’s.

“Oh, Sarah. Why Lew? Why couldn’t it have been me? Why let me go on and take Lew when he was so young?!”

“Because,” Sarah told him firmly. “Because Lew had the heart and soul of a little boy. He loved as a child loves—wholly and unselfishly. He wasn’t meant to grow old. He was a gift to us. He was a boy, now he’ll be forever young. He just—wasn’t—meant to grow old.”

Harry’s wife helped him back to his car. Joe sighed as he helped Maddie inside, then moved to the other side of the car and slid in behind Tom. Pulling Maddie against him, he hugged her tightly, watching Lew’s flower-draped coffin as they pulled away.
‘Goodbye
Lew.
Goodbye
Friend.’
He looked away as he drew in a shaky breath.
‘Dammit
Lew,
why’d
ya
have
to
go
and
leave
me
all
alone?’

CHAPTER XLII
 

Christmas 1984

T
he early-morning wind blew the new-fallen snow into the air, spraying Maddie’s face with an icy mist as she stiffly made her way from her car to Joe’s front door. Her gloved fingers were stiff, too stiff to manage the lock, making her take off the protective wool to grasp the frozen steel of the key. The more the wind cut into her frozen fingers, the more difficult her task became until finally the knob turned, allowing her entry. Her breathing was coming in cloudy puffs before she could hurriedly close the door and lean back against it, letting her eyes adjust from the brightness of the morning sun to the dimness of Joe’s living room. She let a lazy smile curve her lips as she saw Joe sprawled on his couch, still deep in sleep. As she removed her coat and long maroon scarf, she let her eyes wander about the room. A few empty beer bottles, the butt-filled ashtrays, the empty potato chip bags, the three empty bowls with traces of ice cream—spoons left in them—and the tool box, all told her about Joe’s Christmas Eve. He had spent Christmas Eve with John and Tom, dutifully assembling toys for the Baker grandchildren.

Slowly she knelt next to the couch, then, after a moment of impish thought, slipped her icy hand inside Joe’s opened shirt. At first contact, his eyes popped open and he shoved her hands away, and Maddie laughed at him.

“What the . . . What are you . . . You’re freezing!!” Joe exclaimed as he lifted himself on his elbows.

“Merry Christmas to you too,” Maddie smiled.

“
Christmas
,” Joe muttered as he dropped back down, then moved his gaze to her. “Never again. Next year, we’re leaving toy assembly to the women.”

“We’d probably get it done faster. But, if we took over that job, that means the cooking and kids would be left to you guys. So, I think we’ll leave the assembling of toys to the men.”

“I’ll remember you for that.”

“
Ahh
.” She leaned forward and touched her lips to his. “Poor baby. I pity you.”

“You should.” His hands came up around her shoulders and over her back until he lifted her onto the couch on top of him. “I’m in a helluva shape.”

“A little worn around the edges,” she smiled softly as she looked down at him. “but other than that, you look fine.”

His eyes smiled up at her. “I’m feeling better, second by second.”

“Oh, ya are?” Her finger traced his whisker-stubbled upper lip. “I wouldn’t be too egotistical to think my presence has anything to do with it, would I?”

He smiled mischievously as he turned with her, but her warning for him to stop came too late; he landed on the floor, looking up at her as she leaned over the edge of the cushions, laughing down at him.

“One of us is getting fat,” he commented.

“I tried to tell you we wouldn’t fit anymore,” she smiled down at him. “There’s three now, instead of only two.”

“That
I realize. What I didn’t realize was that you’re getting so big.” He slowly rose to his feet, then bent to lift her off the couch, grunting slightly at the effort. “And so
heavy
.”

“Heavy?! It couldn’t be that you’re getting
old
—could it?” Her arms went around his neck as he carried her toward his bedroom.

He glanced down at her briefly before lowering her onto his bed. “Do you wanna see just how
old
I’m getting?” he threatened in a low tone, but, when she smiled at him and clambered to her knees before him, nodding her head eagerly, his smile lit his eyes.

“Yes! Show me!” She grabbed his opened shirt and gazed up at him with her head tilted slightly. “Do you know how you look with your hair messed and your clothes all rumpled?”

His hand brushed over his hair in a nervous, almost shy, gesture that charmed Maddie. “Like hell I imagine.”

“
Uh-uh
.” Her eyes went over his face, his stubble that held traces of gray in a few spots, his deep brown eyes, the scar at his left eyebrow, the lips she knew so well and longed to feel on her again. She could feel her pulse stirring uncontrollably as she looked at the muscles of his chest, his arms, his flat stomach above his jeans. “No, definitely not like hell.”

“So.” His fingers stroked her neck in the thickness of her hair. “You like me, huh?”

She answered with her hands as she spread the material of his shirt apart, then slid it down over his shoulders. As he took a step back from her, she looked up at him quickly with disappointment, but the expression in his eyes as he watched her gave her nothing to worry about. She smiled lazily at him as he moved back to lean against his bureau, folding his arms across his bare chest as he watched her slowly get to her feet. She kicked off her shoes, then stepped out of her denim maternity slacks, pulling off her pink panties at the same time. The buttons of her blouse came open as she stood erect and looked back at him. She felt a flow of warmth go through her as she watched how his eyes moved over her, drinking in the physical changes of her body with a curiosity and interest; an interest so different from the near repulsion Bob Green had shown during the advanced stages of her previous pregnancies. Joe moved toward her slowly, her desire for his nearness seeming to make his steps take forever. His eyes were fused with hers, but she knew, even before he reached for her, where his touch would land. Her smile held a hint of emotion-filled tears as she looked down at that hand, her own hands moving to cover it on her swollen abdomen. It was
his,
and he was claiming possession of it, just as he had claimed possession of her many years before.

As she stepped back to the bed, backing up until she was again on her knees facing him, she kept her grip on his hand, pulling him along with her. She was hardly on the mattress before she felt his free hand in her hair at the back of her neck, pulling her toward his kiss. His lips were soft caresses as they moved over her face, an expression of his love and caring. His hands moved to her face, holding her as their kiss deepened and she could feel the fire inside her begin to rage. Her hands inched lower, moving over bare skin, taking in the heat that radiated from him until they met the obstacle of his jeans. She loosened the buckle, then his button and zipper, before allowing her hand the access she was searching for. Then he was lifting her, maneuvering her on the bed, as if she were weightless. He paused only seconds to join her, his bare legs telling her what had delayed him. They became lost in the touch of one another, the texture of one another, so familiar and yet so enchanting.

“Joe,” she breathed as she reached for him.

“Maddie, don’t leave me again.” His voice was a shaky whisper as he kissed her. “I love you too much to make it without you.”

Her arms went around him, clinging to him as she felt him slide slowly into her. Her awareness was at a peak. Their love reduced their movements to touching one another; arms and shoulders that they felt as if for the first time; legs that slid against each other with an interest in the other’s texture that was pleasing and slowly built the arousal pounding inside of them. Finally, touching was no longer enough and they moved against one another. Their rhythms rose together as their needs became more immediate and demanding. She clung to him as his final thrusts filled her completely, then another and another before he trembled and buried his face in her tangled hair.

“Ahh, Jesus, Maddie.”

How long they simply lay together, their hearts and breathing slowly returning to normal as they gently kissed and spoke words of love, Maddie wasn’t sure, and she didn’t care. She was safe and secure. No one could harm her anymore; she was feeling a peace that was new and very welcome to her. As she lay with her head resting on his shoulder, her hand on his chest and one leg over his, she watched the beauty of his masculine face. She wasn’t sure if he was sleeping or not, but his closed eyes and stillness prompted her to move closer until her mouth reached his ear. Her tongue flicked inside, bringing a response immediately as his grip tightened on her hip.

“Are you going to sleep all day?” she asked softly.

“I wouldn’t exactly call the last half hour—
sleeping
.” He opened his eyes to look at her.

“No, you were certainly energetic. And I loved the little sounds you were making.”

“Ya did, huh?” He turned toward her, his arms going around her as a teasing smile curved his lips. “You haven’t called me
Joey
since you were seven years old. And then it was never said quite so—emphatically.”

“When did I call you
Joey
?” she laughed as her fingers moved lightly through his hair.

“Just a while ago.”

“I did not,” she smiled.

“Oh yeah—you did. Only it wasn’t quite Joey. It was more like Jo-eyyy. It went up at the end like a bird call of some kind.”

“I did not!” She glanced toward the doorway when the telephone began ringing. “
Uh-oh
. I bet I know who that is. I was supposed to bring
Daddy
right up to Gramma’s.”

Joe nestled tighter against Maddie. “I think Robby’s becoming a problem child.”

“Just insistent—like his father.” She kissed him lightly then rose and closed her oversized shirt before going to the other room for the telephone. “Hello.”

“Mommy, Tom says you’re supposed to stop kissing and come up to Gram’s so we can open our presents she got for us,” Robby told her, then, in the background, she could hear Tom.

“Yeah, come on, Maddie! Christ! Enough is enough already!” Tom complained, bringing a smile to her. “Leave the poor guy alone!”

“Okay. We’ll be up in about fifteen minutes.”

“Then can we open our presents?!”

“As soon as we get there. So, hang up and we’ll be right there.”

“Bye, Mommy,” he said, then quickly hung up the telephone.

“Our presence is requested.” Maddie went to the bedroom.

“Right now?” He watched her through the smoke of his cigarette. “Couldn’t we go up later—like in about four or five hours?”

She moaned as she looked down at him. “Don’t tempt me. But—you better get used to the life of a family man. Unless you’re having second thoughts about marrying me.”

“I’m coming,” he moped as he slowly pushed himself up.

It was an exhausting day for Maddie, between chasing after Robby’s trail of Christmas wrapping paper and serving dinner, then helping with the cleanup, she was more than ready for her warm tub of water that evening. Joe had left about five o’clock, his holiday vacation with Felicia and Ollie being restricted to the Johnson home because they had two new cases of strep throat.

The wind was biting as it gushed outside. The temperature plunged down to five below, and the wind chill factor took it down to thirty below. But inside Maddie’s house, they only had small clues to the deadly weather outside—those clues coming when the wind would roar over the rooftop or send a draft through the otherwise tightly sealed door. It was dark outside, the moon glistening off the snow like millions of sparkling diamonds as Maddie stood at the windows, looking through the fern-like patterns the frost gave them, the sounds of Robby and Jackie busy at play flowing around her as they sprawled across most of the floor.