My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me (41 page)

SURVIVING AFFAIRS

Assuming you have read this book, (and didn’t start with the last chapter), you will have learned through our story many keys in surviving an affair, both what to do and what not to do. You will also have gained insight into how to support someone through this experience: what works and what doesn’t.

Here I’ve highlighted a few important points.

Affairs do not just go away. You can’t just suck it up and get over it. You have to face it and deal with it.

EDUCATE YOURSELF—READ, READ, READ

Whether the relationship stays together or not, those who have recovered say that educating themselves was key to their success.

They read books and related articles, they seek out helpful websites, and they often join a support group or seek professional counseling. Usually recovery is achieved by combining several sources of support, rarely from one source alone.

A note regarding finding a counselor: often one that has been referred by a friend is a good option. Counselors are not all the same. If a certain counselor does not seem to be helping it is okay to switch and find another.

Resources and help for recovering from affairs (and other aspects of life, relationships and success) are available through our website
www.passionatelife.ca
.

SEVER ALL TIES WITH THE THIRD PARTY

If the couple intends to rebuild the relationship, it is first of all essential that
all
ties with the third party are severed. An unfaithful spouse cannot remain “just friends” with this person. Many times the person having the affair is quite reluctant to sever ties, and it may be necessary to deliver a strong ultimatum, such as the one I gave Brian.

Many times the betrayed spouse is afraid to deliver this strong mes-

sage to their spouse, because they are afraid of being alone, and this is understandable. However, this same fear is unattractive to the spouse who has had an affair. It makes them feel trapped in the relationship.

It is human nature to enjoy the “chase” in marriage relationships, and freedom to breathe. We like a bit of a challenge. If one person is too easy, a push-over or doing all the giving, they devalue themselves. Instead, when we set healthy relationship boundaries and stand up for ourselves and what’s right, we show others that we are valuable, and that makes us attractive to them. They respect us more, than when we give into unreasonable demands.

To learn more about how to effectively insist that your spouse break ties with the third party, I recommend the book “Love Must Be Tough” by Dr. James Dobson.

TALK, TALK, TALK AND OPENLY DISCUSS THE AFFAIR

The way Brian and I healed our marriage after the affair was through hours upon hours of dialogue. There was many a painful discussion, but through these discussions came understanding and healing. It is essential that the person who has had the affair be willing to discuss the details of the affair and answer all of their spouse’s questions.

I have seen no better explanation as to why this is important than the analogy made by one man in a letter he wrote to his wife who had an affair. That letter has been reprinted in this book with permission, in the chapter entitled “Trouble with the Law.”

AFFAIRS-NOT ABOUT SEX?

Prior to experiencing infidelity, I assumed affairs were about someone else being sexually more attractive than the spouse or in some other way better. This inaccurate assumption caused me to suffer much more than was necessary during my recovery, as I obsessed about my appearance and pressured myself to be the ultimate sex goddess.

I have learned that affairs often are about a friendship, not about sex at all, and that the real enticement of an affair is the reflection of oneself in the eyes of the adoring third party.

Keeping up one’s physical appearance is important in relationships. According to Willard Harley in his book “His Needs, Her Needs,” an attractive spouse is one of a man’s top five needs in a marriage relationship. So there is value in discussing this topic as a couple,
honestly.

In our marriage it was true that I had gained over thirty pounds since I married Brian eighteen years earlier, and this did matter to Brian. Yet this was not the cause of the affair. The real cause was that we were not able to openly discuss this issue (and other sensitive topics) without my becoming defensive.

It wasn’t that my friend Lori was wrong in mentioning the value of working on keeping up my appearance to meet Brian’s need for an attractive spouse. It was the incorrect timing of her well inten-tioned comment that was a problem.

When someone discovers their mate has been unfaithful, they will most likely become obsessive about appearance without any extra prodding, because their identity has been shattered. At this point, it is more important to understand that affairs do not mean you aren’t pretty or sexy enough.

If one is overweight, there is value in returning to a healthy size, but that is best done in a responsible manner with a doctor’s advice. During the painful affair recovery period, individuals should be careful to avoid eating disorders, and their friends should encourage them to maintain healthy eating patterns during the trauma.

If a marriage is based on a spouse’s appearance, and a straying spouse returns home because their marriage partner suddenly becomes better looking, this is a very shallow relationship. If that’s the one factor that brings the straying spouse home, the marriage probably isn’t worth saving. There are many beautiful people in the world. No spouse can be the “prettiest” all the time. If being the

“prettiest” could guarantee monogamy, then
why do the beautiful, rich and talented Hollywood movie stars also experience unfaithfulness ?

PATIENCE AND GIVING TO EACH OTHER

The person who has an affair must understand that this has been very painful for their spouse. Healing takes time. In our situation, it took two and a half years. This is actually a relatively short time period. We had more support than most, and Brian was exceptional in his strength and courage to do the work of healing. He had to be very patient with me for a long time, as I worked through the grief, the sadness and the anger. He had to answer my questions. And it had to happen at the pace with which I was ready to hear the truth. This he had to do, while he himself struggled with his own feelings of guilt, and while he was very much alone.

Generally there is a lot of support available for the person who has been betrayed, but the one who has been unfaithful is the bad guy, the loser, the one everyone hates. Brian is now providing support through our website for such individuals who are sorry for their actions, love their spouse and sincerely desire to rebuild their marriage.

In addition to Brian’s patience, I also had to be patient and understanding towards him. I had to create an atmosphere that made Brian feel comfortable enough to answer my questions and to communicate with me about the affair and why it happened.

BOTH PARTIES MUST BE WILLING TO TAKE

RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR PART

We all know that it was wrong for Brian to have an affair. And to be sure, I did not cause him to have the affair and am therefore not to blame. However, a major turning point in the healing of our relationship took place when I, for the first time, took responsibility for my part in the relationship breakdown.

It was six months from the time of initial disclosure of the affair before I was able to do this.

A FINAL NOTE

Marriages can heal after an affair and they can become much stronger. However, it is not always possible. Not every marriage is salvageable. One person alone cannot do the work of rebuilding. Both parties must do their part.

Having said that, whether still married or now single, anyone can create a great life after an affair.

Brian’s affair was my personal wake up call. It was devastating, as anyone who has been there knows. Yet it forced me to grow up. I will never be the same again.

I have learned that I am a loveable person, and my security as an individual now comes from within.

As a young married woman, I based my identity and self-esteem on being a good wife and mother. My marriage was essential to my sense of identity, happiness and well-being. So when Brian told me of his affair and that he was leaving me, my whole world was shattered. During the recovery process, I have learned to know and value myself as an individual. I no longer need to be married, to be happy. I am able to be truly honest with others and, most importantly, truly honest with myself. I am no longer threatened by constructive criticism and I am no longer insecure.

Since the affair, and since I made it through the difficult recovery period, I have excelled in amazing ways in every area of my life. After the affair, I was unable to work at all for eight months. However, when I did return to my job, my employer commented that I had become a far better worker.

Within a couple of months my income doubled! I look after my health better now. I actually look and feel better than I did twenty years ago. I have more energy, more zeal and more enthusiasm for life. Since I have gotten over my insecurities, I experience far better relationships with my spouse, children and others. I also have more fun.

As sad as the affair was, I would not want to ever go back to what

I call my “pre-affair” existence. Many times, I have thought to myself,
If only I could have gotten here some other way. Why did I have to go through so much pain ?
But I really don’t know what else would have gotten my attention.

No matter what tragedies happen in our lives, we always have a choice, not a choice over what will happen to us, but a choice over how we will react to it. Will we become bitter or better? I chose to become better, and now my greatest tragedy has also become my greatest personal victory.

My husband’s affair has become the best thing that ever happened to me!

EPILOGUE 

Since I chose to embrace Christianity at the age of twenty, my faith has been an important part of my life. I do not consider myself to be a religious person. Religion means you follow a long list of dos and don’ts. Rather I would say that God is my friend.

Originally, it was my intention to write a book about my recovery from the affair only, not a book about my faith. However, as I started to put it all down on paper, I saw that I could not tell my story accurately, while leaving my best friend, God, out.

During the painful recovery period, I was merely surviving one day at a time. It was later, when looking back, I saw all the miracles and provisions that had carried me through to healing, and an even better life on the other side of my tragedy.

From filling my living room with flowers the night before I was to find out, to providing a dedicated friend like Lori to encourage me daily, from my coworker calling me unexpectedly at just the right time, to another friend calling me to remind me of my favorite Bible verse, at the exact hour, I had decided the Bible wasn’t true anymore. From Adrian Lee, barely more than a stranger at the time, reminding Brian of his values without having the slightest clue what he was doing or what was happening in Brian’s life, to the unbelievable meeting I had with Helen, it is clear to me that something supernatural was at work in my life during that time.

To me it is apparent that there is more to this world than just what we can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. There is an unceasing war between good and evil going on.

When we human beings create something of value, there is always ingenuity, creativity, talent and design behind it.
Why then do we so easily believe that something as complex, beautiful and perfectly balanced as nature is an accident? Every animal, plant and natural resource, entire ecosystems the result of a coincidental big bang?

If there is no God, where did my unquenchable desire to love and to be loved come from? And if I am merely an accident, and it doesn’t matter whether I live or die, then where does my inner longing for purpose and meaning for my life come from?

When tragedy and suffering befall mankind, many people ask,
Why did God do this?
I say he didn’t. He gave human beings freedom of choice, otherwise we would be robots. Most pain and suffering in the world are caused by people hurting other people and acting selfishly. It is God who rescues us when we call out to him, and he usually chooses to do that rescuing through other people, as he did with me.

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
FOR RECOVERY FROM AFFAIRS

Support Groups

Beyond Affairs Network,
www.dearpeggy.com
.

Support for those who have had affairs, are genuinely

remorseful and seek support and advice for rebuilding their marriages,

www.passionatelife.ca
Books

Love Must Be Tough,
Dr. James Dobson

Not Just Friends,
Shirley Glass

Beyond Affairs,
Peggy Vaughan