My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me (6 page)

Lori was pleased with my plan, and I was grateful to have a friend to help me carry this burden. “One more thing,” Lori said, “we are going to work on your appearance.”

My appearance, I thought. What’s that got to do with it?

“You know how men are,” she said. “They are so visual.”

I thought I looked good already, but over the next few days I followed her advice, by getting a new hairstyle, purchasing a tanning package and beginning electrolysis treatments.

Although there was some value in doing these things, the emphasis was wrong. Unfortunately, my presently unstable mind was hearing the words “Brian had an affair because you are not pretty enough.” This vain imagination was having a significant impact, the future magnitude of which I was yet to experience.

The beauty treatments couldn’t happen immediately, but shopping could. I entered the mall feeling numb and dazed. A constant sense of pain was my new companion. Yet I had mastered an attitude of determination. Lori’s encouragement had worked, and I

was going to conquer this great evil that was attempting to destroy my life, the lives of my children and ultimately Brian’s life as well.

“Stay strong and be brave!” Lori had encouraged. “Also, give yourself time and permission to mourn. Something has been stolen from you. You can never get it back. You will never again be able to know that since your marriage, you are the only one your husband has been intimate with. The most important promise, a vow, has been broken. Life will never be the same again. And it’s okay to cry about that.”

I didn’t feel like I could live through this, but it reminded me of childbirth. I wanted out really bad. But like a friend of mine who had actually jumped off the delivery table in the midst of childbirth and assertively announced to the doctors that she quit, I could not escape my situation.

Lori encouraged me to go to God for comfort and strength. Sometimes in life it feels as though things are so bad, that even God can’t do anything or say anything to help. Those are the very times, when if we do go to Him, miracles take place and indeed He does carry us, when we cannot carry ourselves.

As I walked through the shopping mall, my mind was not on the shopping. It was on my marriage, my shattered self-esteem and my uncertain future.

I stayed clear of all the stores I normally liked to frequent and instead ventured into the youthful ones I would have shopped in as a teenager. Out with the career woman look and in with fun, easy and adventurous, an expression of my true self-or so I thought.

I bought a cute summer skirt and a white lace top, meant to be worn without a bra. I had been working on losing weight for a few months, and was delighted to discover I was one full dress size smaller than usual.

This small victory couldn’t have happened on a better day. I was already blaming myself for the affair. After all, if I were really an attractive woman, this wouldn’t have happened to me, right?

It felt good to walk out of the shopping mall with my lady-like parcels. The parcels didn’t take away any of the pain I was feeling, but they did provide some comfort.

When I arrived home, I eagerly flung down the parcels and changed into my new clothes.

“Mom, that looks really cute. Did you just buy that?” asked Danielle with enthusiasm.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Wow, that’s different. I like that. Can I try it on?”

Danielle saw I was hesitating, so headed off to her closet to get something to offer me. She returned a few moments later with an adorable pair ofjeans.

“Mom, do you like these?” Danielle asked. “Try them on. I think they might fit you.” My sixteen-year-old daughter’s denim fitting me? It seemed inconceivable that my thirty-eight-year-old body could fit inside these jeans. I looked at them inquisitively. They might fit.

“Okay, I’ll try them on,” I said.

Moments later I was spinning myself around almost breathlessly in front of our full-length mirror. I couldn’t believe it. They fit! And I thought my posterior looked beautiful with just the right sexy curved shape.

I didn’t want to take them off. I felt young and sexy again. This was definitely a good day for this miracle!

I let Danielle borrow my brand new outfit for the special outing she was going on with her girlfriends, and I remained dressed in her jeans with an adorable little top, which she selected for me. She even loaned me a pair of her white sandals and painted my toenails, insisting that this detail was essential for a great look. The new look was a bandage for my shattered self-esteem, and it helped me to live through the day.

All day, I busied myself thinking about what I could do to make myself simply irresistible to Brian. This whole thing was not going to happen. Lori’s words earlier in the morning gave me a glimmer of hope, and I was going to fight.

Did this other woman actually think she could waltz into my life and walk off with my husband just like that? She didn’t realize who she was messing with. I don’t like to fight and make every effort to avoid conflict ninety-nine percent of the time, but this was the one time I was going to take on the battle, and when I fight, I fight to win. I’m not just shadow boxing or playing around!

This woman might have been having lunch, sex and companionship with Brian for two months, but I had been Brian’s loving supportive wife for eighteen years. Together we had learned to make passionate love to each other like artists, perfecting a magnificent, unique and incomparable, musical piece through years of practice.

I raised our children almost completely alone, while he worked ridiculous long hours. I had supported him through the devastation of bankruptcy. And now after all the hard work I put into this relationship, should some other woman walk in and steal away the benefits and take away the man Brian had become? The man I had believed in, loved and forgiven many times? No way.

This other woman was going to lose the fight. I was the warrior and I was going to fight like Joan of Arc. I had purpose and passion, and I had pain.

I didn’t eat all day. I had no interest in eating. My stomach would not even have been able to handle it. I couldn’t fathom the thought of a cup of coffee, even though I was an addict. I had nothing but water all day.

I followed the plan I had made with Lori, and that helped me tremendously.

That evening our pastor contacted Brian, who agreed to at least meet with him. They spent three hours together and I had high hopes that this trained spiritual leader would have the wisdom to know how to talk some sense into Brian. The whole thing just didn’t make any sense.

According to Pastor Dave, he spent at least two of their three hours together listening to Brian. And then he laid the facts on the line, in no uncertain terms. He told Brian what the Bible says about marriage and divorce, that he needed to break it off completely with the other woman and return to me and our kids where he belonged, that this whole affair fantasy was ridiculous and would cause everyone involved, including Brian, more pain than pleasure.

However, when Brian came home from this meeting, he said with great frustration: “Pastor Dave didn’t listen to me at all. I’m sick of people telling me what to do and how to fix my life. Why doesn’t anyone ask, ‘Why? Why are these things happening? Why do you feel this way? Why do you want to do this?’”

I was discouraged with our spiritual leader. The church did not have the answer.

Brian: As hard as it seems to believe, the real purpose for my meeting with Dave that evening was to find at least one person who would be willing to listen to what I had to say without passing judgment. I was quite aware of the mess I had gotten myself into and was fully aware that what I was doing was wrong, yet somehow, I did not have the strength to do the right thing on my own.

I was looking for a friend who would stand by me and give me the support to make the right decision concerning my relationship with Helen. I knew what I should do (tell her that our relationship was over and that I never really wanted her), yet I felt that no one was able to hear the cry of my heart.

It is a truly frightening experience to be surrounded by people that care about you, only to find yourself with no one to hear you. I had made my situation in secret and now I was facing the consequences alone.

I knew what Dave would say. I agreed to meet with him as a friend only. He had to leave his pastor’s hat at home. I was looking for a way

out of this affair. Deep inside I knew I loved Anne and I did not want to leave her. I had hoped that Dave would listen to how I was feeling and the things that I was hurting about. I wanted him to understand the fear I had about hurting Helen. I didn’t really want to spend my life with her, but wanted in my marriage some of that fun we had been sharing. I was hoping that Dave would see the scared man in front of him, who only needed a little support, belief and friendship in order to make the correct decisions concerning his own life.

I knew that if I told Helen that I was ending our relationship without having moral support from someone else, she would try to seduce me into being with her. I needed an anchor I could cling to when the persuasive charm tried to pull me out to sea.

After a few hours with Dave, I knew he did not hear what I was saying because he was still wearing his pastor’s hat. I felt angry, alone and misunderstood.

I tried to control my thoughts that night, while lying in bed beside my emotionally distant husband, but they raced on out of control, like a racecar doing circles around a track with no finish line. I didn’t sleep, but eventually it was morning anyway. My pain had not stopped the sun from rising again the next day. Brian left for work early as usual. Although I was awake, neither of us spoke as he got ready and left.

CHAPTER 4
Forgiving the Other Woman 

DAY TWO—WEDNESDAY, MAY 1 7, 2 0 00

The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals.

LOREN FINCHER MORE STORIES FROM THE HEART

After going without any food for over twenty-four hours, and without sleep for two days, I was dazed and weak. I got up and steadied myself against my bedroom wall. The dizziness left me after a few seconds. Unfortunately I wasn’t just having a nightmare. Another woman had managed to have sex with the man who belonged to me and had been my lover for all these years.

Stepping on my weigh scale, I watched the needle steady itself. I had lost four pounds since yesterday. Good.

After using every ounce of energy within me to act normal and get my kids off to school, I came home.

What should I do with myself today?
I was thinking. Read. I needed some encouragement. Pray, because I needed help from a Super Power.

The phone interrupted my thoughts.

“Anne, how are you today?” It was Lori. “Would you like to get together and talk? Do you want to go for a walk, and then we can exercise too?”

It felt good to have a friend who cared. We arranged to meet three hours later at a local park for a walk. Then I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water in place of my regular cup of coffee, I returned to my bedroom, and started reading my Bible.

Although I read for half an hour or so, the words on the pages seemed devoid of meaning. I put the Bible down, prayed for help and strength, and then sat in silent meditation. Restlessness was stirring within me, so I rose to my feet and began pacing my bedroom floor, talking to myself and perhaps also to God, trying to get a grip on my feelings, trying to understand, trying to figure out what I should do.

What kind of a woman could do this to someone? I thought to myself. How could Brian do this to me? Didn’t either of them care? How could they be so selfish?

But Brian was a good man. I didn’t want to think of him as bad, so I thought of her as bad instead. No, I thought of her as worse than bad. I thought of her as evil.

I contemplated how women can be so incredibly cruel to each other, how when they decide to pour on their seductive charms and go after a man, they can be almost irresistible. Unprincipled women can be subtle and manipulative in their approach, playing the part of a nice person, and considering themselves to be nice, all the while maintaining an agenda of selfish ambition.

I was finding false comfort in my vain reasoning as it continued to gain negative momentum, moving me deceptively towards a place where peace was not.

My raging thoughts continued on. I suppose in reality these are the women, who for whatever reasons, have been incapable of finding a man of their own to truly love them. Perhaps they have married someone who is unable to give them the love they long for. Perhaps they are unable to behave as women who deserve that love. So they reason to themselves that they’ll just steal a man who belongs to someone else, and I’m sure they feel justified, like an animal killing in the jungle to satisfy its most basic of needs.

I imagined this woman pouring on her charm, all the while smiling and joking, giving Brian the impression she could give him something he didn’t already have at home.
How did she do it?
I wondered.
What did she look like? Was she prettier than I was ? Was she a better lover ?