My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me (9 page)

How could he go from loving me to not having enough compassion to reach out to me with even a small kiss when I was suffering so much? I wanted to reach out and grab him and make love to him, like we had so many nights before. Maybe tomorrow we would wake up, he would change his mind and everything would be fine again. With that thought in mind, I managed to fall asleep.

1. Proverbs 7:22-23

CHAPTER 5
It’s Over 

DAY THREE—THURSDAY, MAY 1 8, 2 000

Lay a whisper on my pillow, Leave the winter on the ground. I wake up lonely,

There’s air of silence in the bedroom and all around.

Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love but it’s over now.

It must have been good but I lost it somehow.

It must have been love but it’s over now.

From the moment we touched ‘til the time had run out.

Make-believing we’re together that I’m sheltered by your heart.

But in and outside I’ve turned to water like a tear drop in your palm.

And it’s a hard winter’s day, I dream away.

It must have been love but it’s over now,

It was all that I wanted, now I’m living without.

It must have been love but it’s over now,

It’s where the water flows, it’s where the wind blows.

“IT MUST HAVE BEEN LOVE,” BY ROXETTE

Weight: 153 pounds. I had now lost five pounds in two days and fifteen pounds since January. I was still fasting and planned to continue to exercise as well.

As I dressed in my running shorts to get ready for the day’s run, Danielle asked if she could join me. I welcomed the opportunity to spend some time with her that wouldn’t require me to talk much.

As we set off at a comfortable pace, we picked a route that started with several minutes of running uphill.

I was really struggling this morning. Clearly I did not have the energy I was accustomed to. I ran silently, trying to ignore the protest my body was making, but within five minutes, I was forced to slow to a walk. Danielle looked at me in astonishment.

“What’s wrong with you?”

I confessed that I was fasting.

“Why?” she asked, as if that was about the stupidest idea anyone could ever have.

“For spiritual reasons,” I replied.

It was half true. Lori suggested that there was a powerful spiritual connection that takes place when you combine fasting with prayer, which I was also engaging in daily. This appealed to me.

But also I was fasting because the thought of food turned my stomach. Besides, I was afraid that maybe Brian was leaving me because I was too fat. I didn’t have much to lose. For a woman of my height, 145 pounds would be a normal weight.

I tried to keep running, but it became impossible. We turned around and went home after walking and running only one mile.

At this point I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to continue to function at all with my current fast, so I decided to allow myself a small amount of fruit juice everyday from now on.

Later that day, I was expected to attend a school sports day to watch my younger daughter, Tamara, compete. Again, Danielle had

asked to join me. Looking back now, I’m not sure why she wanted to be with me so much, but I imagine she sensed that something was seriously wrong, and she wanted to find some way to protect me.

I was afraid to be close to her. I didn’t feel it was my job to tell the kids about Brian. After all, maybe he would come to his senses soon and it wouldn’t be necessary to tell them at all. I didn’t want Danielle to feel rejected in any way, so I told her I would be happy to have her join me. She sensed my reluctance.

At the stadium, I chose to stand and watch the races close to the track rather than sitting in the stands with the majority of parents. I was making every effort to avoid everyone who didn’t know. Lori and Pastor Dave had decided to tell the leaders in the church, just a few trustworthy individuals, and I was glad for the extra support that provided.

Danielle was talking to me now, but I wasn’t really listening. Nothing mattered, it seemed. I couldn’t think properly. I was just trying to make it through the next hour without breaking into sobs in front of everyone.
Don’t cry, don’t cry,
I repeated to myself silently in my head.

“I don’t think they should call it fasting and prayer,” I heard Danielle blurt out.

“Why?” I looked at her incredulously.

“They should call it fast and *****,” she said.

The words cut me like a sword.

“Because that’s all you are, since you’ve been doing this,” she said. “You’re just acting like a *****. I think you should just eat and be happy.”

I would have given anything to leave the planet at that moment. Surely I did not have the stamina to deal with that level of confrontation. I remained quiet, and somewhat horrified.

I thought I was covering up my pain. I thought I was acting happy.

Couldn’t she see that I was smiling?
Maybe I’m not smiling,
I worried. I stared straight ahead at the race, and with serious concentration, I made every effort to configure my face into a genuine smile. When I felt confident I had a good smile on, I decided to check. I turned to Danielle.

“Danielle, does it look like I’m smiling?”

She turned and looked at me very analytically for a few seconds.

“You look like your smiling on the outside,” she said with an evil tone, “but you’re about to kill someone on the inside. That looks like a Gary Morrow smile,” she added.

“Who the heck is Gary Morrow?”

“Oh, he’s our manager at the restaurant, and whenever he wants to yell at us behind the counter where the customers can see, but not hear, he makes this giant smile, and swears at us and tells us to work faster.”

Well, at least I knew exactly how I was presenting myself. Avoiding people was definitely important, I reasoned, and perhaps avoiding Miss Perceptive would be helpful as well.

Brian came home again that evening, and I had done everything within my power to create a pleasant atmosphere within the home and look like a million dollars.

I still could not comprehend the situation, and the ramifications it was going to have. Somehow, I reasoned, if Brian would just break off with the other woman, I could just forget about the whole thing and my happy life would be back again.

I suggested we go for a walk after dinner, so we could talk privately. After all it had now been three days since he told me of his affair and in all that time we hadn’t had another opportunity to talk. I wanted to know where I stood, now. I couldn’t take this uncertainty about our future anymore. Brian accepted my invitation and suggested we go out for coffee as well.

We walked towards the busy streets of downtown, instead of through our local park. This was a compromise we had worked out in our marriage years ago. I liked to walk. He liked to be in the midst of noise and commotion, where everything was happening. We had always walked hand-in-hand, but tonight he would not hold my hand. That was very painful.

“What are you going to do?” I demanded. “You have to make up your mind, Brian. It’s her or me. I refuse to share you with another woman.” He didn’t want to make a decision.

“Brian, I can’t understand it. If you love me how could you do this to me? Don’t you realize how cruel you are being?” The conversation was uncomfortable and strained. There was sorrow in his eyes.

“Everyone is always trying to tell me what to do.” He said, “No one really cares about me. No one cares enough to ask why.”

“Why then, Brian, why?” I pleaded.

“Because I want to,” he retorted, and the words struck a painful blow deep into my injured soul.

As we walked, the street seemed surreal. There wasn’t much traffic, there weren’t many people, and there was a warm sunshine glowing down upon us.

“Brian, if you’re not going to break up with Helen, does that mean you have decided to leave me?”

“Well I guess I have” he said, exasperated by my persistence.

“But Brian, what about our wedding vows?” I questioned. “You promised you were going to stay with me for a lifetime. You promised to be faithful to me. Me and only me.”

“That was then and this is now,” was his reply. His words pierced my broken heart. We walked on in silence for what seemed like a long time. There didn’t seem to be more to say. That was it. It was over. My marriage had ended. Just like that.

“So that’s it then?” I said.

“Yeah, I guess so,” came his reply. “Would you still like that cup of coffee?” he then asked.

“Okay.” It seemed strange, but I guessed I could. At this point he seemed oddly kind to me.

When we settled down in the coffee shop, he asked me what my plans were, as if I might have prepared for this day in advance. Of course I hadn’t, yet I said the first thing that came to mind. “I’m going to live in Denmark,” I replied.

“But I won’t be able to see the kids?” he protested, yet with gentleness. It was clear that he was not going to stop me from pursuing what I wanted. It seemed, somehow, in spite of the choice he was making, that he still wanted me to find happiness in my future.

“That’s kind of a decision you made,” I told him. “There’s nothing holding me in Canada if I don’t have you,” I replied. “This isn’t my country. I don’t belong here without you.” He choked on my decision, yet accepted it and understood.

“I want you to know you are never going to have to go without money,” he promised. “I’m going to make sure you are always well taken care of financially.” His kindness seemed incomprehensible in contrast to the cruelty of what he was actually doing. Nonetheless, any kindness was welcomed, and I never forgot his tenderness in that moment.

When we returned from the walk, I was restless. I couldn’t stand to be in the house, and I didn’t want to be near Brian. So, even though it was ten o’clock at night, I drove over to Lori’s.

She welcomed me with open arms, and hugged me for a moment. I wanted to stay and hide and cry like a baby in a mother’s arms.

“It’s no use, Lori. It’s all over,” I said. “He told me he’s leaving. We might as well quit fasting and eat.”

She was visibly angry about the whole situation. It was great to have someone to be angry together with.

“Fine, we’ll eat,” she said in disgust. “How about watermelon? I just bought it, and it won’t be too heavy on our empty stomachs.”

As the large knife came down in the center of the melon with extreme force, Lori looked like an executioner letting down the blade of a guillotine, as she took out her anger on the innocent fruit.
Boom,
came the sharp sound as the blade hit the wood and two halves of melon went flying in opposite directions across the counter.

We sat in her outdoor hot tub eating the watermelon and enjoying the darkness and stars in the pleasant country atmosphere of her property, as I relayed the details of the day.

Later Dave came home from his meetings and we repeated the information, as he listened with astonishment and compassion, feeling a sense of responsibility to provide answers to a situation that didn’t have any.

“Anne,” he said, “You can do what you want in this situation. You can leave if you want and go to Denmark and no one would ever blame you. Everyone would understand and you have every right to do that under the circumstances. But Ijust have a feeling it’s not over between you and Brian. You guys are a strong couple and you are both wonderful people. Ever since I have known you, I have admired you both, and even though I don’t understand, I still believe Brian loves you. I really encourage you to hold on. Just don’t react too quickly. If you take off for Denmark right away there will be such finality to the whole situation. Why don’t you wait a while, maybe three months at least? Give Brian a chance to change his mind.”

I didn’t really like what I heard. It meant hanging in the balance and not knowing what to do with my life. Yet, I saw value in his words and considered them.

Dave then proceeded to tell me that the other woman might be pregnant with Brian’s child. That thought horrified me.

“They only had sex a few times, and some couples can spend months trying to get pregnant before they are successful,” I protested.

“It only takes one time,” he insisted, “and you need to be prepared.”

The thought was overwhelming. I didn’t want to hurt an innocent child, but I just didn’t see how I could possibly stand Brian being tied to this horrible woman through a baby, who would be a half sibling to my own babies. It would mean he would have to be forever tied to this woman whom I considered to be a whore. It would mean I would have to deal with her, and deal with her child who, although innocent, would stand as a permanent reminder to the most painful experience in my life.