My Life With Deth (29 page)

Another reason for my prejudice was that I saw the Church as the establishment. I look back now and I think that most of us musicians
are kids from families that probably had some religion in one form or another. I remember that some pastors would come to our church when I was a kid, and they would tell us how evil rock ’n’ roll records were, and they would have these big record-burning parties. They burned LPs by Rush and KISS and Judas Priest—all my favorites.

It was such a turnoff. I thought, “If this is what Christianity is about, then forget it!” I knew that KISS wasn’t a drug band, they were a fun party band, and I thought that these people were so misinformed.
They
had such a hard-line prejudice against everything that I completely turned away from them. I realized to at least some degree that I was dancing with the dark side myself, even though I wasn’t fully in bed with it yet, but to turn back and acknowledge that the religious people were right in any way would have been to show weakness. Or so I thought. But there was always a little thing inside me, hanging on to the church, no matter how bad things got.

For that reason, not taking a drink or a drug is of paramount importance, above all else. There would be nothing for me in that case: no faith, no family, no band, nothing. I had to be convinced of that before I could really embrace a new life. The trick for me is to always remember that. That’s why I’m active in faith development. You’re either growing toward it or you’re going away from it.

I’ve turned down several gigs because of their association with drugs. A lot of musicians smoke weed, and I don’t want to walk around with a contact high. Even though I’m not physically smoking it, I’m breathing in secondhand smoke, and all it takes is a little bit of spiritual sharpness to wear off because there’s some pot around me. All of a sudden, that’s a way for the enemy to come back in again.

That said, I don’t have a problem being around people who are drinking. Sometimes I see someone drinking a beer and I think, “Wow, a beer would taste good,” but it doesn’t get its hooks into me so that I obsess about it. I don’t mind being
in a party situation for a while if there’s a reason for me to be there, like there’s a business conversation or I’m just sharing some camaraderie with a friend. I don’t mind being in it for a minute or two for that purpose. But I have to be honest with myself: if my purpose for being there really doesn’t exist, and I’m trying to get a little pleasure from the atmosphere, then it’s definitely time to leave.

One of the good things about being a seasoned musical artist with some maturity is that you can say no to certain opportunities. You can measure the money, which is obviously a consideration but not the only one, against your spiritual health and well-being. If nothing else, it stems from the desire for self-preservation. Most of the problems that befell me in the 1980s and early ’90s were of my own making, out of selfish ambition, lust, greed, and “I need to make a ton of money so I can afford to buy more stuff.” I was young, and experience has a way of teaching these lessons.

The struggle in my head going on right before I got clean in early 1990 was that quitting drugs and alcohol would take all the fun out of rock ’n’ roll. That was the lie of addiction speaking to me, saying, “Look how great you play when you’re on heroin; look how creative it makes you; you’re not inhibited; blah blah blah.” That’s the voice of the enemy. The rush of walking out onstage is still there, as strong as it ever was. Anyone who has ever rehearsed music with a band in a secure environment will know that as soon as you step out onstage, it’s an instant adrenaline rush. All theatrical performers of any sort have to be on autopilot to deliver their performance, because if you’re actually thinking about your performance, you’re missing a big part of the moment.

It’s simple. God does for us slowly what the drugs used to do for us quickly. When we put that junk into our bodies, we cut off our route to Him, and in doing so we shortchange ourselves. Some people can party and have a great time: I can’t. I’ve already proven that, so when I see that happening, as much as the first couple of beers and joints look like they’re a lot of fun, all I have to do is see people three hours later when they’re ten shots of Jäger and five joints into the night, and I think, “Thank God I didn’t start out when they started out.” I usually
go to bed happy, thinking, “What looked good at 9
P.M.
doesn’t look so good at 1
A.M.
 . . .”

Here’s the bottom line for me. I came back to find faith because of my need to have complete, 100 percent abstinence. I couldn’t do a little: I had to do none. I had to stop completely. We have a saying: “If you sober up a horse thief, what do you have? A sober horse thief.” At some point, the actual behavior has to change. Once you remove the drugs and alcohol, there’s still a spiritual void, and that’s what gets filled up through God and the process that eventually led me to finding faith.

I just couldn’t stop, and when I stopped on my own I couldn’t stay stopped on my own. I needed faith to make it work. As a guitar tech friend of mine told me back in 1989, “Seeking help to get clean is a sign of strength, not weakness.” How true! I will admit that just because I chose a spiritual path to fill for me slowly what the dope and booze used to fill quickly doesn’t mean that it must be the same for everybody. The whole process has been about accepting one’s place in this world and everyone else’s place, too.

A final word on alcohol and drugs. I think everyone knows, deep inside of them, if they’re in over their heads. They know if they’ve gone to a bad place and if they’re having a hard time coming back. All of us, with or without religious or spiritual convictions, can feel there is a level of honesty inside each of us that is our guiding compass. It can be said that is the voice of God speaking to us, and that is the first step in admitting our plight.

My time away from Megadeth really allowed me to do a lot of things with confidence. It taught me that I’m okay without Megadeth, and that’s a good place to be. Job or no job, family or no family, we can and should be happy with where God has placed us and with what He gives us. Simple, but not easy. It’s about reliance on God, not people. This allows us to be evenly yoked to those He puts in our path.

As a result of how things have panned out, I have a truly wonderful and blessed life. To have a host of friends around the world, to
constantly experience new things and integrate into new cultures on foreign shores is all the result of picking up that bass guitar so many years ago. Being able to use my experiences to help others is a gift more valuable than gold. More than anything, I’ve learned that no life can be a happy one if we are only here to serve ourselves. Service to others is the grease that makes the wheels go around in this life. Just as important, it’s never to late to start anew. What once was doesn’t have to control the future, and what is today doesn’t have to be what it used to be.

Looking back on it all, God seemingly knew the end of my story before I even understood the beginning.

A THOUGHT

The music

M
usic is something that moves people. I felt it when I heard rock ’n’ roll on the school bus radio, way back in elementary school. I wanted to capture and continue to create that feeling as a musician, for me and the listener.

With that said, hard rock and heavy metal are in my blood. I love this kind of music; it moves me and motivates me. But I also have a soft side that gets satisfied with acoustic instruments like piano and guitar, too. As a musical artist, I like to use all of the brushes and colors in the palette, not just the heavy ones all the time. That creates dynamics, which is what music really offers, and why it resonates so well with the human soul. We are dynamic creatures, and music helps us relate to things and people who are on our same wavelength.

Music started as a passion for me, and to this day it still is. Some musical settings can really rob you of that passion and leave you empty, even to the point of disliking music altogether. I try to avoid those people and those settings. After all, if music is your gift, anyone who tries
to quench that gift is like a thief robbing you of what is rightfully yours to enjoy.

MEGADETH

Killing Is My Business . . . and Business Is Good!
(1985)

This was a really raw album. I had great hopes and expectations for this album, but because it was on an indie record label we had little time or money to make it what I had hoped it would become. Fortunately, we got to go back and remix and remaster it in 2001—with proper album artwork, too.

Peace Sells . . . but Who’s Buying?
(1986)

This was initially recorded for release on our first record label, Combat, but was picked up by Capitol in early 1986. It was remixed and released later that year and Capitol became our home for the next several albums, until 2001. It has a uniquely dark and menacing quality about it.

So Far, So Good . . . So What!
(1988)

This was a fun and rowdy album, and the lineup change that preceded it was actually invigorating in some ways. It was the first album on which I started to compose for the band, and it was a great experience to work as a cowriter. I remember there was a massive earthquake in L.A. during the recording of the album, which was absolutely frightening—the first one I had ever experienced. A highlight for me was having Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols come in and record guitar on “Anarchy in the U.K.” He had some great stories, and as a fan of the Pistols, I was thrilled that he was playing on our album.

Rust in Peace
(1990)

This album was written in the darkest days of my career, as far as lineup changes, management changes, and certainly drug use went. Fortunately, out of the darkness came a new dawn that yielded a powerful lineup with great chemistry and many successful albums to follow. It
was also the pinnacle of thrash metal with the Clash of the Titans tours in Europe and the U.S. in 1990 and 1991.

Countdown to Extinction
(1992)

This is still one of my favorite Megadeth albums. It was such a great time of brotherhood, with everyone writing together and developing the charisma and personalities within the band. Track after track, the songs really shone, and they still sound timeless to me.

Youthanasia
(1994)

This period of the band also brings back good memories for me. There was a strong musical camaraderie within the group, and moving the operation to Arizona helped us escape the pretentious atmosphere of living and working in Los Angeles—a city in many ways the polar opposite of everything we stood for as a group.

Cryptic Writings
(1997)

Next to
Countdown
, this was probably the group’s most musically invigorating and exciting album for me. There was a new optimism in the band, and new management that was very focused on helping carve out a new future for us. It was also the first record we recorded in Nashville, where there was a real buzz because country music was exploding at that time. Ironically, we gained great respect from the town and its notoriously accomplished musicians. I think this was because of our own musical fortitude and the integrity of working with Dann Huff, who had an amazing reputation industrywide with his own guitar playing and producing ventures. The mid- to late 1990s were not very favorable to thrash metal, but this album really thrived and put the band on top in the U.S. in spite of the many obstacles that plagued many of our thrash metal contemporaries. We ended up touring for almost two years on this album as a result.

Risk
(1999)

We had just come off of a hugely successful tour with
Cryptic Writings
, and optimism was initially quite high for this next album. However, it
was a transitional period for metal music. “Prince of Darkness” is still one of my favorites from this album.

The World Needs a Hero
(2001)

This album had a good “band” vibe. Some of my favorite songs are the riff-heavy ones like “Dread and Fugitive Mind” and “Motopsycho,” whose video was filmed at the Hells Angels’ old haunts in Simi Valley, California. This album was supposed to be our last for Capitol, but instead it became our first album for Sanctuary. Instead, Capitol agreed to release a greatest-hits record called
Capitol Punishment
, which allowed us to move on to our new label. We are one of only a handful of metal bands who actually completed a multiple-album record contract for a major label. It also yielded the double live CD and DVD
Rude Awakening
, which was my last recording with the band until I rejoined in 2010.

Thirteen
(2011)

This was my first studio album back with the band after rejoining the fold in 2010. In some ways, it was probably the most fun album I have ever made with Megadeth. The vibes were good and because we had such a limited time to record, with huge tours to follow, there was a real commitment from everyone to make a crushing album and get it completed on schedule. That urgency has made it one of my favorite albums to date.

Super Collider
(2013)

This album marks my second record back with Megadeth since 2010. In many ways, it reminds me of some of our albums in the 1990s, mostly because the lineup has been solidified for two albums and extensive world touring. Being on the road tightens up a band, and I think you can hear that chemistry in the tracks of this album.

. . . AND SOME OF MY OTHER BANDS AND RECORDS . . .

F5,
A Drug for All Seasons
(2005),
The Reckoning
(2008)

After Megadeth disbanded in 2002 I had no intention of ever putting another band together in my lifetime. However, after several producing and songwriting opportunities that year, F5 formed in 2003. The band was a refreshing change for me. It was actually one of the most invigorating periods of my life, in terms of opening the floodgates to my songwriting.