My Lost Daughter (11 page)

Lily didn't really mind because she enjoyed the scenery. She was particularly fond of driving through this area at night. She loved the way the lights streamed through the towering trees. Palo Alto was similar to an urban forest, surrounded by majestic, ancient redwoods. She hadn't been up here since last year. She chastised herself for not coming more often, but her new position had become all-consuming.

Shana's apartment was located in a three-story structure built out of wood and stone. Lily climbed the stairs to the third floor. Knowing the apartment didn't have a doorbell, she knocked. When no one answered, she pounded on the door with her fists. “Shana, are you in there? It's me, Mom.”

She leaned against the door and listened, detecting faint noises inside the apartment. She didn't care what people thought, she had to see if her daughter was all right. As she kicked the door as hard as she could, a young girl walked by, giving her a suspicious glance. At last, she heard Shana's voice.

“Knock it off. I'm coming, for God's sake.” She cracked the door and peered out at Lily, then closed it again to undo the chain. Wearing an oversized Stanford sweatshirt and baggy black sweatpants, Shana acted surprised. “Mom,” she said. “I thought you said you were coming Friday.”

“Today is Friday.” She handed Shana her overnight bag. The drive to L.A. had taken her almost two hours, and the plane she flew on was so small, her knees were practically on her chest. Everything combined had caused her back to crash. She had several herniated disks and needed surgery, but she couldn't take off work. “Why aren't you answering your phone? I've been frantic.”

“My cell was disconnected yesterday. I called and left word on your answering machine at work this morning, but I guess you'd already left.”

“But your phone rang.” Lily knew she was lying because Jeannie answered her calls and any messages that came in went to her machine. Jeannie would never forget to tell her her daughter had called.

“The cell phone company gives you a few days to pay up before they disconnect your service. I guess that's supposed to save you from embarrassment. I went to the coffee shop to call you.”

“Is that so?” Another lie, Lily told herself, certain cell phone companies merely discontinued the service. A regular phone company occasionally allowed outgoing calls to be made when a customer didn't pay their bill, but Shana didn't have a landline. The phone companies were required to do it by law so a person would have access to emergency services.

How could Shana get behind on her bills with all the money Lily had been sending her? When she was under pressure from a big trial like she was now, she merely gave in to Shana's demands rather than get into an argument. She had believed Shana was mature enough to pay her own bills, but she'd obviously been wrong.

Lily smiled warmly and then pulled her daughter into her arms. “I'm here, sweetheart. That's all that matters.” The apartment was the most depressing hovel Lily had ever seen. All the curtains were drawn, and the kitchen and small living room were littered with fast-food wrappers, old leaky paper cups where ants were congregating, and piles of dirty laundry.

Shana walked over and flopped down in a beanbag chair with a torn and dirty cushion, turning her eyes to the television. The picture
was snowy with static. On top was a pair of rabbit ears. “I didn't have the money to pay the cable bill. I found these in the trash the other day. The cable company's charges are outrageous, so I decided I didn't need it. Brett told me that since the networks were broadcasting in HD now that I could pick them up without cable. He was wrong, of course, but it doesn't matter. I don't have time to watch TV.”

“But you're watching it now?”

“Yeah,” Shana said. “I'm watching
Dracula,
the one with Gary Oldman. It's pretty good. Want me to tell you about it?”

Lily walked over and pressed the off button on the television. “No, Shana. I didn't come all this way to discuss vampires. When did you stop going to classes?”

“I don't know. A few weeks ago, I guess.”

Lily placed her hands on her hips. “This place is a disaster. The least you can do is clean up after yourself.” She started picking up the fast-food sacks. “You have ants. You'll have to notify the apartment manager so they can exterminate. If you don't do something fast, all your neighbors will have ants.”

“I haven't felt like cleaning lately. What do you care, anyway? You don't live here.”

“Don't forget who pays the bills.” Lily stuffed the trash into an overflowing container in the kitchen, and then returned to sit on the sofa. Her back was throbbing so badly now, she couldn't get comfortable. She looked in her purse for her pain pills and came up empty-handed. In her rush to get to the airport, she had forgotten to pack them.

An acrid odor assaulted her nostrils. Her nose led her to the ashtray on the coffee table. She picked through the cigarette butts until she pulled out a marijuana cigarette, her stomach tightening into knots. “I can't believe you're smoking dope,” she said, her voice elevating. “No wonder you're having trouble with your studies.”

“I don't smoke, Mom,” Shana said. “Julie must have left it there before she moved out. She only smoked it every once in a while to relax. Everyone smokes pot. This is Santa Clara County, remember?
The police seized ninety-six hundred marijuana plants from Mount Madonna Park the other day. You can get high just from breathing the air around here. I think Julie had a prescription for it. The doctor gave it to her instead of tranquilizers.”

Lily crushed the joint in her palm. Drugs were expensive, which could be the reason Shana was having trouble paying her bills. Shana turned the television back on and stared at the screen as if she had forgotten her mother was there, her long legs sprawled out in front of her.

“You're going home with me,” Lily told her. “I'm not taking no for an answer.” Still Shana didn't answer. Leaving the room to use the bathroom, she flushed the joint down the toilet. She had to get her daughter out of here, even if it was only for a few days. She was depressed over the situation with the boyfriend. A change of scenery would do her good.

Shana had been in counseling when she was younger, then stopped when she had entered college. Her father's death had been painful, but he'd been dead for years now. If Lily had suspected anything was even slightly amiss, she would have arranged for Shana to see someone here. Outside of the money, there hadn't been any signs she was having problems.

She started to rifle through Shana's bathroom cabinets and then stopped herself. Regardless of what was going on, she refused to invade her daughter's privacy.

When she returned to the other room, Lily headed straight for the TV, this time yanking the plug out of the wall. “First thing in the morning, we'll sit down and figure out what we're going to do about your situation.” She paused, brushing a strand of hair behind one ear. “Chris has asked me to marry him. I want you to meet him. I'm certain you'll like him. He's a wonderful man, Shana.”

“Right, Mom. I think I've heard that before. Wasn't Bryce a wonderful man, too?”

“Everyone makes mistakes. I'm sorry about you and Brett. You'll find someone else. Just give it some time.”

Shana stared at her, a bitter look on her face. “Why are men so
attracted to you? You're not that young anymore and you certainly don't dress for shit. Dad still loved you even after he divorced you for cheating. I don't know about Bryce, but he married you. Now you have some new guy in love with you. Every guy I've ever dated has dumped me. My mother has a better love life than I do. You know how that makes me feel?”

Shana had dark circles under her eyes, and her face appeared gaunt and pale. Outside of fast-food restaurants, Lily suspected she hadn't left the apartment since Brett had broken off their relationship three weeks ago. While she was cleaning up, she'd looked inside some of the fast-food sacks and noticed that only a few bites of the food had been eaten. But there was something else Lily sensed—fear. She patted the sofa. “Just give me a pillow and I'll sleep here tonight.”

“You can sleep in Julie's room. I haven't changed the sheets, but I don't think you'll catch anything. Compared to me, she was immaculate.”

“The sofa is fine. I want us to catch the first plane out tomorrow morning.”

Shana shot her a steely look. “I'm not going to Ventura.”

“I insist,” Lily said in a more forceful tone. “I want you to see Dr. Randolph. You can try to catch up on your reading while you're at home, then you'll be ready to go back to class when you come back. We're only talking about a few days, Shana. Sometimes that's all it takes to put things back into perspective. You told me you were afraid because of—”

“How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not going to fucking Ventura.” Shana was shouting and then she got up and paced around the small room, a look on her face that reminded Lily of panthers in cages at the zoo. In the blink of an eye, her mood changed dramatically. The muscles in her face softened and she looked at Lily and smiled as if she had just received some sort of secret message. “Brett's going to come back to me. As soon as he figures out how stupid that girl is, he'll beg me to take him back. So what if he fooled around with someone else? It's not like he loves her or
anything. She's just a fuck, that's all. I'll forgive him. I don't have a choice. We're getting married as soon as he passes the bar. We've already found the place we want to get married. It's a beautiful Catholic church in San Francisco. Brett's even going to convert for me. He was raised an Episcopalian and it's not that different from Catholicism.”

As Shana paced, beads of perspiration popped out on Lily's forehead and upper lip. One minute she hated everything and everyone and the next she was planning a wedding to a man who no longer wanted her. Other things had changed as well. In the past Shana had never used profanity and she'd always been firmly grounded to reality. Something in her daughter's mind had changed. Her personality seemed to have fractured. A psychiatrist would probably classify it as a psychotic break, and Lily knew something like that was serious. Some people never recovered. She couldn't let that happen to her daughter. “When was the last time you spoke to Brett?”

“I don't know. Two weeks, maybe three.”

“He might not come back, Shana. I don't want you to get your hopes up. If he hasn't called you in three weeks . . .”

“You don't want me to be happy, do you?” she shouted, her mood becoming hostile again. “You've never wanted me to be happy. Everything was great in my life until you and Dad divorced and you rented that awful house. All you had to do was keep the family together until I graduated from high school, but you were too hot for that stupid DA. What was his name?”

Lily remained silent, hurt by her daughter's accusations.

“Richard Fowler. Now I remember. At least one guy dumped you. You divorced Dad and wrecked all of our lives for a guy who only wanted you for his fuck buddy.” She stared at her mother in disgust. “I'm going to take a shower. Listen for the door in case Brett comes, but don't open it for anyone else. They still haven't caught that disgusting rapist. Thank God he didn't kill her.” Her eyes darted around the room. “At night I stay on the couch. I drink a ton of coffee so I won't fall asleep. I don't really need that much
sleep. I can get by with less than two hours a night. Some nights I don't sleep at all and look at me, I'm perfectly fine.”

She stuck her hand inside one of the pillows in the sofa and pulled out a large hammer. “I bought this to defend myself if someone picks the lock or tries to kick in the door.” She scrunched her face up and made a rapid downward motion with the hammer. “If I can hit him over the head, I'm pretty sure he won't be able to rape me. I might even be able to kill the piece of shit.”

“Aren't you overreacting, Shana?” Lily said, leaning forward so she could massage her aching back. “There's no reason to believe this man might come here and rape you. Think about it, honey. It was probably an isolated incident. The suspect must have fled by now. He'd be a fool to hang around here. Palo Alto is a small town and he'd be risking apprehension.”

“Overreacting,” Shana snarled. “A rape occurs on a college campus every twenty-four hours. I have to protect myself, especially since Brett isn't here and Julie moved out.”

“Why did she move out?”

“She got kicked out because of her grades.”

“Have you advertised for another roommate?”

“Why should I? I already told you I'm going to quit school and get a job. Brett doesn't want me to work after we get married. He wants me to stay at home and take care of our children. His mother worked when he was a kid and he never saw her. I didn't see you very much when I was young. I don't want our children to have that kind of life.”

“Listen to what you're saying, Shana,” Lily said, wincing in pain. Her daughter's words were so hurtful, she felt as if there were a dozen gaping wounds on her body. Tension also intensified her pain as the muscles in her back contracted and pressed against the herniated disks. “Why would you quit school and throw away all you've worked for to please a man who's cheated on you and doesn't seem to want you anymore? You're not making sense, honey. And you can't go without sleep. To be honest, I think you're suffering
from sleep deprivation. Whether you realize it or not, sleep deprivation is a serious condition.”

“I love him.” Shana tossed her arms around, even more agitated. “What do you know about love? You didn't love my dad and you didn't love Bryce. You use men up and throw them away. Brett and I have something special. He worships me. He wants me to be the mother of his children. He's going to take care of me, make certain I'm safe. His father owns a huge law firm in Los Angeles and he's going to make Brett a partner. He's even going to buy us a house.”