My Love Break (15 page)

RISA

Today I moved in with Damian.

It was nothing like I imagined months ago when I allowed my mind to wander into treacherous territory. He didn’t sweep me off my feet and proclaim me the love of his life. We didn’t shop for new furniture together to decorate our one-bedroom apartment. We didn’t make love in each room to put our mark on the place.

Instead, I walked into Damian’s penthouse and was absolutely devastated to know any mark I left would be ephemeral. What else could it be when faced with the supreme proof in the differences between our real selves?

So much had happened between the weekend where he chained me to a bed, won me over, confessed he wasn’t an IT Director but rather a billionaire, and then went off into the night only to return to me months later a different man.

I’d seen signs of Damian’s immense wealth around me during my faithful vigil but it didn’t really hit me until I stood at the top of a skyscraper and looked down on Central Park.

Damian belonged to a world I’d never let myself imagine, and not being born to wealth, could never really be a part of. I couldn’t buy my way in—I was too blue collar to ever have the confidence and sophistication that this amount of money and power created.

Maybe my natural reaction should’ve been glee and excitement that my boyfriend was loaded and could fulfill all my materialistic desires. Hypothetically, I’d never have to worry about bills or student loans again. I could indulge in a real shoe collection and be on a first name basis with Jimmy, Manolo, Alexander, and Valentino.

But clearly I’d proven I was far from normal.

Standing there alone with Damian in his penthouse, all I could think was “Even without his accident could I really have stayed by Damian’s side?”

I didn’t know the first thing about being a walking designer doll. The thought of socializing without purpose seemed dull and pointless. I wouldn’t have dreamed of giving up my job, but how could I sell widgets while dating a billionaire?

It was one thing when we worked at the same company and he was going incognito as an IT Director. It was entirely another thing for him to be the CEO of a conglomerate.

One of us would’ve been bound to get swallowed by the other’s career. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t have been Damian.

Completely aware of his presence behind me, I felt shivers running up and down my spine. Fear and longing were one in the same. I wanted him, but I was scared of what all this would mean for us.

Despite not leaving the living room, I could tell this place was enormous. It still wasn’t big enough to hide me from my desires and the voice inside my head trying to send me to hell.

Fear, exhaustion, and grief seeped into me, threating to thwart my willpower. I wanted to turn into Damian. I wanted to indulge in a good hard cry, the kind I only got when my lover disciplined me.

Most of all, I wanted to share my doubts with him. Odd, wasn’t it? When I had full access to Damian I spent all my time acting as if I truly wasn’t attached to him. I pretended I didn’t need him any more than I believed he didn’t need me. I flashed my mega-smile at will and shrugged my shoulders more often than not, dismally secure in the false knowledge our affair would run its course but that I could leave it unscathed.

Am I being punished for my arrogance? For being a liar?

It was hard not to believe that when I looked at how my life turned out.

Damian can’t remember me. He’s with Gretchen. Because I’m pretending to be his PA I have no choice but see them together. And at the end of it all, Damian might never remember who I am.

Stubbornly, I kept my gaze focused on the view exclusive only to those with the most money. Perhaps it was a combination of the long flight and being forced to bottle my emotions, but I told myself I had the right of it before.

It was folly to get too attached to any of this.

Even though Damian’s injuries caused the course of our relationship to go completely in the ditch, there truly was no guarantee things wouldn’t have sputtered out anyways. What did a man who had the world in his palm see in a girl like me?

Don’t think like that. Don’t give up before you’ve even begun to fight. Damian didn’t give up on you. You can’t give up on him.

Suppressing a sob, I suffered the shudder as it went through me. I needed his arms around me so badly. I needed his quiet confidence, bloodless as it could be, to assure me things were going to turn out all right. That he would be here for me no matter what.

I needed him to call me his “little girl” and make everything all right.

It was an anathema as a 21
st
century woman to snivel she needed her man to take care of the uglier things in life so she could feel secure, but I didn’t care what anyone thought of me right now. I needed Damian to promise me everything would work out.

He always kept his promises. No matter what.

Temptation would drive me mad knowing we slept under the same roof but I couldn’t touch him. This was worse than the night of Damian’s punishment when he left me alone and refused to talk to me even as he served my meals.

Insane as it may have seen, I’d give anything to go back to that weekend. I would’ve happily snapped the chain around my ankle if it meant I could give up this charade.

I wanted to claim Damian for myself. I didn’t want to be the dutiful PA in the shadows. I didn’t want to pretend watching him with Gretchen wasn’t hell.

Speaking of Gretchen and hell…

All my intentions of being understanding jumped off a cliff when I saw Gretchen come out of the restroom right before we were set to leave the clinic. Somehow she’d avoided me the evening before, leaving me to stew in rage the entire night.

Stalking down the hallway, I’d been hell-bound and determined to give her more than polite speech…

“How’d you like kissing my boyfriend, Gretchen? You do remember that he’s
my
boyfriend, right? And that he ended his relationship with you months ago, don’t you?” I spit out in a hiss.

Gretchen paled, giving her porcelain complexion a slight chalky appearance. Guilt darted in her gaze even as she kept her composure cool and unruffled.

“It was a mistake on my part.”

“You’re damned right it was a mistake. You want to take Damian away from me, then fucking come out and say it, Gretchen. Don’t stand there and lie to me like you did, assuring me you wouldn’t try to backstab me and get him back. What else have you done to undermine my position?”

“Nothing. It was a one-off mistake. I let my unfinished business get the better of me. It won’t happen again.”

Her placid tone only got my temper up. “Unfinished business. That’s what you call it? Telling Damian you’d follow him anywhere is unfinished business. Really? Well, that sure as hell doesn’t sound like it to me. It sounds like someone’s planning on stealing a life that doesn’t belong to her.”

I had to give it to Gretchen. She somehow managed to look sorry and poised at the same time.

“You have every right to be angry with me. I wouldn’t be so calm in your position.”

“I’m not calm.”

“No? You haven’t snatched me by my hair. That counts for a lot in my book.”

If only she knew that was exactly what I’d been thinking after I saw them. She’d be bald right now if I’d given in.

“You have a history of a lot of unfinished business?”

“No. But I snatched a lot of hair out when I was a teenager. I appreciate you letting me keep mine.”

A grin flirted at the corner of my lips. I didn’t want it there. I wouldn’t let my guard down around this exquisite creature again. Not after what I walked in on.

“I’m warning you—you won’t be so lucky next time. I may not be able to do something about it then, but I will later. I promise you.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

Gretchen being so damned reasonable didn’t make me feel better. Especially because graciousness wasn’t on the menu for me.

“Damian
will
get his memory back. He’ll remember what both of us mean to him and what we don’t. Understand?”

“Understood.”

Damian suddenly appeared at the end of the hallway. His narrowed gaze studied us intently. Giving him my profile, I pasted on a professional smile and stated in a terse whisper, “You’re getting what you want. You’re going to New York. I can’t stop that but if you think I’m just going to roll over and let you get between us—you’re wrong.”

“This is going to be disingenuous considering my lapse, but I won’t repeat my mistake again. I understand why I’m here and why I have to go to New York. It’s just to keep appearances, Risa.”

“You better remember that!” I snapped.

I felt like a bitch for doing it, but knowing Gretchen was going to be accompanying us to New York had robbed me of my appetite and my sleep. No wonder I had very little patience.

Elaine had informed me taking Gretchen to New York was all based on the doctor’s advice. Everything in Damian’s life had to be kept stable. No disruptions in his routine and lifestyle of before.

Which obviously included Gretchen.

“Have faith in him,” Elaine urged. “Everything will turn out for the best. You’ll see.”

The thought of Damian picking up right where he left off with Gretchen was a living hell. The worst part of it was I couldn’t say a word. As far as Damian was concerned I was simply his PA.

He wouldn’t cross that line with me. But he was bound to cross a line against me. And this redhead would encourage it. No matter how prettily she promised not to.

As much as I hated to acknowledge it, I was scared of her. I was terrified Damian would remember why he was with her in the first place.

“I’m going to New York because I want to help Damian. That’s all. Besides, he’s all eyes for you. Damian may not remember you, but even when he’s with me I can tell all he thinks about is you. You don’t to have to worry about anything happening between him and me. He’d turn me down because he won’t use me as a replacement for you.”

That went a long way in smoothing my ruffled feathers. Damned if I’d let her know it. I was reasonable but not a saint.

Giving her a clipped nod, I took a step back and waited for Damian to reach us. I slid into my role, no matter how hard, and became the perfect PA. Hope fluttered when Damian centered me in the middle of his beautiful stare.

The sun and the moon.

Heaven and hell.

Damian and Risa.

Now here I was. Alone with Damian and feeling more lonely than ever before.

Buried beneath the emotions coursing through me in a frenetic rush, I almost lost it. I stood here alone with the man I loved while unable to touch or turn to him. He was so close I could scent his cologne along with the crisp scent that was all Damian.

The cracks in my façade were growing ever-larger.

How was I truly going to be strong enough for this? Pretending we meant nothing to each other, knowing Damian had seen right through me and knew of my desire for him, but still being strong enough to say no to the idea of me?

I was imprisoned all over again, but there was no guarantee my captor would ever remove my shackles because he couldn’t even see them.

Trembling, I was on the verge of collapsing on the ground and wailing like a mad woman. Then a tiny miracle happened.

Damian took me in hand. He took the burden of self-care off my shoulders. Almost everything I treasured was being recreated. Damian noted my hunger and exhaustion. He made me promise I wouldn’t let myself get that point again.

Whether he remembered it or not, Damian gave me the secret type of care I needed. Nothing wholesome, yet the closest I’d ever felt loved in my adulthood.

“Are you ready for a nap?”

“Yes, please.”

Something wonderful and wicked arced in the air between us. Damian tilted his head slightly, studying me in that brilliantly thorough way of his. His stare dug into me, rooting through my fatigue, and touching the core of me.

The shadows inside parted, beckoning for Damian to come closer and see what I couldn’t say with words.

“I’ll show you to your room then. Later when I take you shopping, you’ll pick out linens and other pieces that suit you personally, understand?”

Damian commands left no place for disagreement. I would take his generosity and I would love it. In this I could be greedy.

I would pick every piece with an eye for Damian. Every night I slept in the bed, every time I came in the bed with his name on my tongue, I’d do it knowing they were on the sheets he wanted for me.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good girl.”

Fuck me. It would be so easy to close my eyes and pretend nothing had changed. That this was just another one of our little scenes that ended with me screaming his name as I came all over his cock.

I used to shake my head at those women who spent their energy mourning a time that had been winter for years. Callous, I believed one man was as replaceable as another. All men were the same in the dark.

I understood it so well now.

It felt like spring when Damian placed his hand on my back and led me deeper within his home. My heart tripped clumsily as we walked into my suite. Beautiful, serene, and my new cage for who knew how long. I would slam the door shut myself if it would help bring my love back to me.

No matter what I had to make sure I stayed here. I couldn’t lose this opportunity to help Damian remember me.

“Sit down, Risa.”

Obedient and breathless, I walked towards the elegant chair and perched on the edge. I swallowed a cry of joy when Damian knelt before me and wrapped his fingers around my ankle. Even on his knees this beautiful man still managed to make me small, safe, and protected.

“You must be in pain.”

My answer shriveled when I understood the question. Damian slipped my shoes off, exactly like all the times he did it before. His hands rubbed each foot, thumb in the arch. I could’ve moaned in pleasure. Instead, I watched mute as his hands worked their familiar magic on me.

I didn’t want to break the spell. I’d become afraid my voice had the power to change everything. One wrong word and he’d be gone.

Once upon a time I would’ve chirped like a little bird. I would’ve told him all about my day, from the petty irritations of cold coffee to the addictive triumph that came from closing a deal. Damian would’ve listened quietly, as he always did, but the tiny smile on his lips would’ve told me how much I amused him.

I didn’t understand that then. I just assumed Damian thought of me as some kind of frivolous woman that he had to listen to in order to fuck. This Damian wouldn’t care because he didn’t want to fuck me.

“Where did you go, Risa?”

I whipped my head up. My God, if I heard that question once I heard it a thousand times. My Damian had been possessive of my attention and mind as much as he was my body.

He always swore he’d find me, no matter how far I sunk into my thoughts.

As always Damian’s mercurial gaze pulled me right in. Transfixed, I found myself answering, “I was just thinking about how you were before your accident.”

His hands tightened on my heels. Damian’s mouth twisted into a wry grin. “Did I give you many foot rubs then?”

Danger.

Shaking my head, I turned on my mega-watt smile. It never served me well with the Damian of before, but perhaps this one would be blinded to the falseness behind it.

“No. Nothing like that. You were always very professional.” I wiggled my ankles. Damian didn’t let go.

Until he did.

He stood up in one fluid motion to tower over me. Sitting in his shadow, I could tell he questioned the wisdom of his actions. He promised nothing between us would happen because of who he thought I was.

He also made promises to me before that bullet shattered my name from his lips and heart. Damian always kept his promises but which ones would he keep if they were in opposition?

No. Don’t regret this. Let me have this memory, pure and clean.

“Thank you.” Two words to praise him and save us both.

Damian stirred himself into motion. He picked up my shoes and set them down at the end of the bed. Damian then briskly folded back the covers.

“Get into bed.”