My Love Break (18 page)

DAMIAN

No doubt about it. I was a sadistic bastard.

I went through the motions of confirming Gretchen was my girlfriend through numerous engagements and photo ops. I smiled often and kept her by my side with an arm slung around her little waist. No one watching would doubt Gretchen’s significance in my life.

This both saved her and possibly put her in danger. We were both damned by the unknown. I wasn’t targeted in the attack that left me half-dead. I didn’t know much beyond that.

My adopted father and guardian focused on the underground sources and connections for word on exactly what happened. My father hadn’t contacted me. My probable and reasonable assumption was Grigor went into deep hiding.

Bolstered by Leon’s presence this meant I wouldn’t hear from him in a while. Possibly years.

It was frustrating, infuriating, and if I gave into my rage I would’ve led the charge for a bloodbath. I had the money to buy all the weapons, information, and soldiers we needed. I could hide behind my power and position and still burn everything to the ground in a night.

I couldn’t do it though. My father hadn’t sacrificed his oldest son and given him all the financial opportunities in the world for him to devolve into a goddamned criminal.

“Damian, you must never be the hand that becomes dirty. This is not the life for you. Your power must come a different way. Honest.”

I remained clean and untouched for my father. Solely for him and the mother who’d died clutching her stomach as if to keep me from slipping away like her.

What to do with my impotent rage?

Nothing.

I continued to live my life as I always had. I increased my wealth. I forged new contracts and contacts. I socialized. I remained Damian Black-Price.

In the darkest hours of the night, I couldn’t still my thoughts. I worried about the unknown variables. What would happen to the Konstantinovs? My father was getting on in years. His lust for power waned. Were they hanging by a thread as a result? How did my father’s enemies get so close to attack? Why had I gone to see him that night?

The answers stayed locked in my mind.

Despite the specialists’ many assurances for my future—I could read between the lines. There was a distinct possibility I would never recover those missing months.

And without definite answers I couldn’t let Gretchen go back home. Not until we were completely sure my identity hadn’t been found out.

Verification couldn’t come fast enough. It wasn’t fair to Gretchen to be mired in this mess, one she didn’t understand and never would.

Elaine told me the story she’d been fed the morning before we left Switzerland. Coupled with my story, Gretchen was locked up tight. It didn’t matter that we’d effectively ended our relationship. I needed stability. My injury couldn’t take the stress of change. It made me sound coddled and weak.

My pride notwithstanding, it made for a good cover. Gretchen didn’t ask questions about the security because her clientele were often very wealthy men who were always shadowed by bodyguards.

Naturally, it made sense she’d be given the same treatment.

And so we perfected the illusion of commitment. Beautiful Gretchen made a lovely foil against me with her blood-red hair, pale skin, and flawlessly dressed figure.

Yet each minute of each night I counted the seconds when I could turn Gretchen over to Leon’s capable hands and return back home to where I knew Risa was waiting for me.

Fatigue rolled off my back as soon as I crossed the threshold. Risa needed her sleep to keep up with me, yet, I demanded she join me in the study when I returned for the night. Ostensibly it was for notetaking, scheduling, sending thank you notes and appropriate, thoughtful gifts to the various connections I’d made throughout the night.

All of it could’ve waited until the next day but I justified it as needing to make a move while the information was still fresh in my mind. Risa initially remained in her professional clothes until I strongly suggested she appear before me in something more comfortable. For her.

Naturally, I brought her a respectable assortment of robes, slippers, and flannel pajamas. I couldn’t be accused of impropriety if I kept her covered from neck to feet.

It didn’t matter whether she was in her work clothes or a heavy velvet robe. I imagined her naked and spread out on my bed regardless of what she wore.

The visions possessed and haunted me nightly. It didn’t matter how many times I jacked off in the shower. Risa sped through my mind in various states of sexual need and hunger.

I could see her sucking me dry as I fucked her mouth the way I’d fuck her sweet, tight pussy. I saw her on her knees in the corner, hands tied at the wrist behind her back, in timeout because she’d been a naughty girl. I saw her on my lap, eating out of my hand.

My imaginations, always perverse, took on a tender quality whenever these visions appeared. Even when I saw Risa bent over my lap, bottom rosy with color, and the soft hiccups of her tears echoing in my ears, I could feel intense affection for her.

Strange and seductive. I’d never felt love for anyone before. Affection yes. Respect yes. But love?

Absolutely not.

With Risa it all seemed possible. I could see myself being the kind of man who could love a woman. I could see myself being devoted solely to her, entranced by her joy and her sorrow. I could imagine reshaping her for my curiosity and pleasure.

Even if she didn’t want it.

It was in that ruthlessness that I looked at myself and turned away from what I saw. I’d never had to coerce a woman for her company. Why would I consider it for Risa?

Because you can’t have what you want.

But she did want me.

I could see it with every longing glance she gave when she thought I wasn’t looking. I could have Risa naked in my bed within the hour if I wished it. I could be a charming fellow when I wished it and I wished it if it meant I could have Risa.

But you can’t always get what you want.

Risa was my employee. Hiring her would’ve meant I had no interest in romance. As I told her before—I wouldn’t cross that line. And even if I would, I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t drag her into my world of half-truths.

My bloodline wouldn’t allow for it.

My first loyalty was to the Konstantinovs. Nothing could breach it. Not even my dangerous affection for a small, curvaceous woman who drove me mad day in and day out.

Yes, I was sadistic. I was equally masochistic because I couldn’t help myself every night I came home.

I needed to see Risa, to make sure she hadn’t fled in the hours of my absence. Never mind I logically knew it was an impossibility. I had enough security attached to her that I’d know the second she closed the front door.

She never left. Not to explore the city. Not to go shopping. Not to meet a date for drinks or dinner.

Risa and another man is completely unacceptable.

Thinking about it angered me in a way that didn’t bear contemplation. Aggression and loss of control were not emotions I readily embraced. The consequences couldn’t be contained if I gave into my baser impulses.

But consequences didn’t weigh as heavily in my mind when it came to Risa.

Frankly, I didn’t know what I’d do if I heard she was in the company of another man—beyond heading straight over and dragging her away from whatever bastard thought he could take her from me.

Rage fired through my logic. The disruption was unwanted. Battles were not won through passion and impulsiveness. They were won through clarity of mind and implacable discipline.

I battled Risa. Every damned day. Every damned night.

I battled to keep my hands off her. I battled to keep her safe. I battled to keep her.

Period.

The worst of it for me was I didn’t have any dominion over Risa. I couldn’t demand devotion from her. I didn’t have the right to demand celibacy from her. Risa was beautiful and single. She could have any man she wanted and she didn’t need to waste her youth holed up in my penthouse.

I didn’t encourage Risa to change her hermitic habit.

Therefore, I needed to take care of her in some way. I couldn’t sit her on my lap and feed her like my little girl, but I could listen to her talk and I could coax her to eat a snack.

I’d give myself this and justify it later.

For now I’d take whatever pleasure I could in this fucked up world I’d been born to. One day I might regret my selfishness.

Today would not be that day.

She took my notes perfectly this night. I trusted her with their completion. Risa was thorough. Competent.

Fucking beautiful.

Afterwards, I sat in one of the leather chairs flanking the fireplace. Risa sat in the other. Its cheerful glow encouraged intimacy.

“Tell me what you did after I left, Risa.”

She spared me a glance before staring back at the flames. Her breathing deepened.

“Not much. I read.”

I couldn’t tell if this was because her thoughts had ventured far from me or because the blanket I placed over her lap had lulled her into drowsiness.

“Tell me about the book.”

She opened her mouth and closed it. I knew she hadn’t really been reading. In another lifetime, I would’ve given her corner time for not being truthful, good girl. If Risa was mine I’d demand nothing less from her.

Her shoulder lifted in a shrug. “There’s not much to tell. There’s a bit of a lull at this part of the book.”

“Ah.”

Of course, she couldn’t give me specific details. Risa hadn’t been able to get through a single page. It wasn’t supposition. I’d confirm it when I reviewed the security footage after she went to her room for the night. She’d been stuck on page 17 for the last three days. I doubted tonight would change that fact.

I had watched Risa wander my halls every night this week. I’d seen her run on the treadmill until she collapsed on the floor and then I’d seen her get up and run another mile. She was punishing her body into complete exhaustion and I wanted to know why.

I’d order her to stop if she belonged to me. I’d put her in timeout if she disobeyed. I’d then give her the discipline and attention she clearly craved. We would have such fun…

But she wasn’t mine and wouldn’t be anytime soon. Not until the Konstantinov enemies were obliterated. Maybe not even then.

I wouldn’t cross that line with an employee and I couldn’t very well ask Risa to derail her career for me. It was a no-win situation.

At least for now.

And although I couldn’t punish her, I could keep count of Risa’s infractions. Perhaps once this was all said and done I could present Risa the tally and have her work off her debt towards me.

Lovely.

I shifted slightly in my seat. My cock disregarded the rules and boundaries. It wanted to part her pretty pussy and sink deep. It wanted Risa dripping. It wanted her more than anything in the world.

Risa’s gaze dropped to the bag by my feet. I smiled, lazy and content. She knew it was for her. I couldn’t punish her, but I could tease her.

“Have you eaten tonight, Risa?”

“A little.”

“Just a little. Hmm…I believe we already had a discussion about this, Risa. You are to eat.”

She squirmed in her chair. “I ate. I just…”

“You just what?” Crossing my legs, I rested my hands on my stomach. Risa paid close attention to the steeple my fingers made.

“I just wasn’t that hungry.”

“I imagine you’d be starving.”

Her dark gaze held a thousand secrets. I had the urge to pick one or two of them for my own.

“Why would you say that?”

The cat in me wanted to play with the mouse in her. “How many miles did you run tonight?”

Risa licked her lips. My hand itched to spank her silly, especially because she looked so adorable.

“How did you know…I mean I work out regularly. It’s all right with you, isn’t it? If not I can go use the building’s gym. Or join the one down the block.”

I held up a hand. She stopped talking immediately. She spoiled me with her unconscious obedience. I could only imagine how beautifully she’d shine under my care…

“I don’t mind you using the gym, Risa. I prefer it. However, I do not prefer you to whittle yourself down to the bone because you’re not feeding yourself enough. Why else do you think I’m bringing you pastries?” 

Risa’s cheeks reddened with color. “I thought you were being nice.”

“Nice? No. I’m not nice, Risa.”

She dug her fingers into the armrests. I half-expected she would’ve stood up and left the room in a flounce. Part of me wanted her to do just that. It would keep me from sinking deeper into my sadistic side.

Naturally I’d apologize and pretend I was a gentleman. What was one more lie?

“You’re right. You’re not nice.”

I was pleased by her answer. “Exactly right. Tell me—did you learn that the hard way?” I didn’t have to say the timeframe out loud. We both knew exactly when I meant.

A ghost of a smile appeared before fading away. “I always knew it. I knew it from the first moment I met you.”

Another secret that shouldn’t have been. I wanted to remember the first time I saw this sweet girl. I wished I could picture it as she did.

“And I didn’t scare you?”

She smiled again and shook her head. “No, you didn’t scare me. You insulted me actually.”

“Ah. Did I?”

“Yes, you did.”

When she remained silent I resisted the impulse to ask for more. Did it really matter? She was here and so was I.

“Why did you agree to work for me anyways?”

Risa shrugged. She looked at a point over my shoulder. “The timing was right. The pay was good. I suppose it was like fate.”

“Hmm…fate.” The word scratched at me. Was it simply a bad turn of fate that I’d been in France at the wrong place and the wrong time? Did I get gunned down simply because I was there with my father? Or was it planned? A deliberate act of war?

I didn’t know and the hole in my memory angered me more and more each day. It was frustrating to be pinned down like this. No freedom to rectify the wrongs done to me and mine. Only to be stuck with this terrible illusion of normalcy.

Suddenly she said, “I’ve seen you be nice to other people.”

Disappointing.

Did Risa have hope that there was more to me than this? I thought she could handle me without having to be coaxed into it by pretty words and lying intent.

“I can be polite.”

“No, it’s more than that. You’re really charming. You can get people to eat out of your hand if you wanted.”

She didn’t exaggerate. It was a carefully wrought skill I’d acquired throughout my life. None of it was natural, but it was how I navigated the world. Better to be liked and respected than viewed with suspicion.

Risa looked me straight in the eye. “It’s a mask, isn’t it?”

I didn’t feel exposed by her perception as I expected. Instead, I was proud of Risa. Clever and perceptive.

“You don’t have to ask. You already know the answer.”

“I do.” My regard of her grew by leaps and bounds when she didn’t prod further. Instead she smiled. “I’ll make it a point to eat better tomorrow. I understand my position in your world and you won’t be able to use me at my full capacity if I don’t take better care of myself. I’ll eat out tomorrow, Sir.”

“No.”

She didn’t understand her position at all. Apparently, neither did I.

Risa’s dark eyes brightened with something akin to excitement. “No? I don’t believe your dominion extends over to the evening hours, Sir.”

She wanted to play, did she? I could do that.

“You will stay home tonight, Risa, as I’ve instructed.”

“Or what? Your security will stop me?”

I shook my head slowly. “They won’t lift a finger to keep you in. You’ll do it yourself.”