My Only Regret (Twisted Fate Book 1) (11 page)

“How exciting. I just love their music,” she gushed, continuing as if I hadn’t just disappeared for nearly fifteen minutes. “I still can’t believe that I am here with all of you. Sam is so sweet.”

“Yeah, Sam is great. You got lucky with that one.” I smiled and nudged her on the arm. Jesse remained silent and continued to scowl.

“Hey Jesse, what gives. You’ve been quiet all night. Why is your hair all messed up? Where did you and Rhyann slip off to?” Sam teased.

“Shut the fuck up Sam.” Jesse snapped. The whiskey had definitely kicked in, and I had an uneasy feeling that we would be continuing our conversation once we were alone.

“Rhyann?" Sam jerked his chin toward Jesse. "What’s up with this asshat, is he pissed at you or something? You know he’s got a thing for you don’t you?”

“Shut up, asshole!” Jesse growled, jumping up and knocking over his chair. He staggered slightly before steadying himself with the table.

Sam stood as well, and they glared at one another across the table with their fists clenched. I had seen them banter back and forth playfully, but this felt different. I looked nervously between them and prayed someone would put an end to it before things got out of hand. Of the two of them Sam had more bulk, and could probably do some harm, but I was sure Jesse was up for the challenge, drunk or not. Thankfully, Tyler broke the tension before any blood was spilled.

“Guys, both of you sit your ass down, now. This is my lovely wife’s birthday party, and I don’t want your dick swinging contest fucking it up.”

“Ha! Some contest. His doesn’t even come close,” chided Sam. Jesse stood and took several deep breaths, trying to calm down. Finally, he drew in one last breath and blew it out loudly.

“Dream on loser. You know I’ve got two inches on you easy,” Jesse swayed. Everyone at the table laughed and both guys sat back down. “Sorry about that Stefani. I’ll behave.”

“Yeah, sorry Stefani. Didn’t mean to ruin your party.” Sam made his best pouty face.

“It’s okay boys. Just promise me you’ll get along,” Stefani said in a motherly voice, looking at both of them.
 

“Yes Mom.” They replied, in unison.

“And, if memory serves, didn’t you two have this argument back in high school and it ended with a couple of dirty magazines and a ruler?” She chuckled, then leaned toward me and whispered behind her hand. “Jesse won.” She demonstrated by measuring with her hands and laughing. I found it hard to suppress the giggles when I knew Jesse was watching my every move.
 

We finished our dinner, and sang happy birthday when Tyler brought out a cake complete with twenty-eight candles. Jesse continued pouring from his nearly empty bottle, and his eyes were red and they grew heavy as he attempted to carry on a conversation with David.

I figured I better try my luck at getting him home. For a moment I considered leaving him here to sleep it off, but I knew he preferred his own bed. I stood and turned to let Tyler know we were leaving.
 

“Thank you both for the lovely evening, but I think I better get this guy home while he can still walk.”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. You sure you can manage? Stef or I can go with you.” Tyler hugged me and whispered in my ear.

“No. You stay here. I’ve got this.”

J
esse was in no condition to drive, so the guys walked the two blocks with me and helped get him in the car before I made my way back home. After a great deal of struggling on my part, I managed to guide him to his bedroom. He was wasted out of his mind, and could barely stand, let alone undress himself. I pushed him back and unbuttoned his shirt then pulled it down his arms. With shaky hands, I fumbled with the button on his pants, letting them fall to the floor before easing him back on the bed. I looked down at him, lying only in his tight boxer briefs, and thought back to a time when neither of us gave a damn about the consequences, we just did what felt right. Every once in awhile I missed those days. My heart grew heavy as I thought about how easy it would be to take off my clothes and straddle him. He probably wouldn't even remember what had happened. My fingers trailed lightly down his thigh as I stood.

I pulled the covers over him and turned to leave, but before I could step away his hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me down to his lips. It was a sloppy kiss, nothing like the one he'd given me an hour earlier, and when I didn't return it he let out a pained laugh and dropped his arm to cover his eyes. I cupped his cheek in my hand and stepped away from the bed. Before I could make it out the door I heard him mumble my name and my head fell slightly before turning around.

"What?" I asked, softly.

"I'm sorry I broke my promise. Please don't leave me, I need you too much." The next thing I heard were the snores of a drunken man. I stared at his still frame for a few more minutes, willing myself to walk away. As a tear fell from my eye, I knew that I needed to put some emotional distance between us. I couldn't quite bring myself to walk away physically, but my heart needed to move on, for both our sakes.

CHAPTER NINE

T
he next two weeks were both physically and emotionally painful as I fought to maintain a professional distance. We still had dinner together a few nights a week, and some nights we would sit on the sofa and watch television in comfortable silence. Other nights, he would go to his room and play guitar while I would lie on my bed and attempt to read a book. No matter which option we chose it felt like torture. I guess, looking back on everything, we should have seen this coming; I mean who were we trying to kid? We were two people that had been very intimate and now we were trying to maintain a professional working relationship, all while living under the same roof and denying our feelings for each other. I kept waiting for the proverbial bomb to go off, signaling that war had officially commenced. Until then, I did my best to keep my true feelings at bay, knowing full well the damage I may be doing to both of us.

One evening, I was curled up on my bed reading, when Jesse came through the door carrying two steaming mugs.

“Knock, knock." He gave me a silly grin, one that usually came out when he was feeling particularly happy. "I thought you might like some cocoa.” I looked at him quizzically, wondering if he'd somehow lost his mind, or turned soft on me. “Don’t worry, there’s alcohol in it.” He chuckled, setting it down on the table beside the bed. I only nodded and shifted my position. “What are you reading?” He sat on the edge of the bed, making himself at home.

“Just a romance novel,” I shrugged. “I read a lot of them.” I felt my cheeks going crimson with that admission. “Thank you for the cocoa.” I took a sip and let the alcohol laced chocolate warm me.

“You’re cute when you blush.” He climbed over me and settled in on my bed with his head across my legs. “Read something to me.” By that simple gesture I assumed that everything between us was back to normal.

“Umm…Okay well I don’t know if it will be interesting to you but…”

“Sweetheart, it’s a romance novel, I’m sure there’s a good sex scene in there somewhere. Besides, I just want to hear your voice, it helps me relax.” He looked up at me and smiled sweetly. I began reading while he lay there quietly with his head on my lap. Every once in a while he would interrupt me to ask a question about the love affair between the main characters, or scoff at the way the love scenes were written, but otherwise he listened intently. Before long, I found myself caught up in the story, and as I read my fingers mindlessly ran through his silky hair. He seemed to enjoy it, and wiggled his way up higher so his head was now pressed against my stomach.
 

“Can I ask you something?” His hand toyed with one of the decorative pillows adorning my bed.

“Yeah, sure.” I shrugged.

“You once told me that you didn’t believe in all that love shit, but you read books that dramatize the crap out of it. Have you ever had a relationship like the ones you read about?”

I didn’t hesitate to respond. “No, I can’t say that I have. I know that in the books it’s basically smoke and mirrors, but I like the idea of a happy ending. I’d be lying if I said part of me wouldn’t love to find someone who went out of their way to make me feel special. I guess every girl wants that. I’ve learned the hard way that love is an elusive beast. I’m not even sure it even exists. Then again, given my upbringing, my take on love is probably skewed.”

He was quiet for a moment before tipping back his head and locking eyes with mine. "I'm sorry about what happened with your parents. That had to be hard for you. For the record, you’re amazing, and you deserve someone who will treat you that way. I think that true love exists. My parents love one another, and I know for a fact that Tyler and Stefani have found it. I thought I had once but…” his voice trailed off.

“You’ve been in love before?" I sat up straighter, instantly regretting the panic in my voice. It never occurred to me that someone like him could have fallen in love, he had always let on that he was afraid of commitment. I found myself wanting to know more. "Who was she?”

“Her name was Amber. It was a long time ago and she broke my heart.” He picked up my hand and nervously began fiddling with it. “We were both young and she was trying to launch her modeling career. We dated for over a year and I was foolish enough to believe that she could love me for who I was and not what I could give her. I was going to propose, but I guess it wasn't meant to be."

"Why didn't you?" I threaded my fingers with his and gave a light squeeze.

"She couldn't bring herself to tell me she loved me. I finally decided to cut my loses and end it.”

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled, ashamed that I felt so relieved by his admission.

“Well, it's okay now. It was a long time ago, and I don’t feel that way about her anymore. We're still friends, and we talk every now and then." He was quiet for a moment before he gripped my hand between both of his. It felt nice having him open up like this. "I just want you to know that I wasn't always this way with women. My relationship with Amber ended a short time before I met you. I guess when you keep things casual you don’t allow yourself to get connected, and that way you’re less likely to get hurt.” He stroked my palm with the pad of a calloused finger, lost in thought. “Keep reading. I like this book.” He jabbed me with his elbow and I smacked him on the head with the binding before continuing. “Ouch!” He laughed, rubbing the top of his head.
 

I picked up where we had left off, and resumed my hair stroking because, quite frankly, it was relaxing and an excuse to touch him. I must not have realized how long I'd been reading because pretty soon I heard the soft sounds of Jesse’s deep breathing. He had fallen asleep on top of me. I quietly reached over and turned off my lamp. The light from the moon came through the window, and I could see his face in the reflection. He had perfect bone structure, a square jaw and high cheekbones. I could stare at him forever. I leaned over and covered us both with my comforter before easing myself down to lie back on the pillow.
 

Tonight he had made himself so vulnerable by opening up and sharing his feelings. Lying here like this felt so right, I could get used to it very easily. I felt him stir, thinking he was going to wake up, but instead he rolled over and snuggled closer, throwing an arm possessively across my waist with his face against my chest. At some point I must have fallen asleep, despite being pinned beneath him. All I know is that I had the best dreams when I was wrapped in his arms.
 

I
rolled over the next morning and saw that my phone read 10am. Shit! I had overslept, which was very unusual for me. Jesse was already gone, and I found myself wondering when he had slipped out of bed. I made my way to the shower and took my time washing my hair and shaving all of the pertinent areas. After drying my hair, and applying a small amount of make-up, then slipped into skinny jeans and a low-cut black sweater. I was slightly nervous about seeing him. The last time we'd fallen asleep in each other's arms had been due to different circumstances. I was pretty sure it wasn't healthy for me to keep holding on to our one night as if it had been the premise to a long-term love affair, but that is exactly what it felt like I'd been doing. I often wondered if he remembered that night like I had, or had it been just another night of sex? For me it had been everything, and how I managed to live with for this long without giving in to my desire surprised even myself. I guess I knew that if I had him again it would need to be with a promise of something more. Every night when I went to sleep I knew he was just down the hall, and I knew what he was wearing while lying in his king-sized bed with the soft pillows and expensive sheets.
 

I headed straight for the kitchen and reached for a cup of coffee when I saw him coming back in from his morning run.

“Good morning.” I chimed, cheerfully. How was it that he managed to look that good even when covered in sweat?

“Morning, glad you’re finally up.” He grunted. “I was beginning to think you were going to sleep all day.”

“Did you have a good run?” I asked, trying to keep the mood upbeat, but quickly discovered it was a lost effort. I found myself wondering what had changed between us since last night.

“Yeah. Listen, I’m going to take a shower then hole up in the studio." He refused to look me in the eye. "I would prefer to not be interrupted.” He remained in the studio all afternoon, never bothering to come up for lunch or dinner.
 

Later that evening I was in the kitchen, putting together a grocery list, when the doorbell rang. I looked through the peephole and saw a petite blonde standing on the front porch. This was the first time in a month that a woman, other than Stefani or myself, had been inside the house. Now it was all coming together. Maybe Jesse’s bad mood was a result of sexual frustration. Maybe sleeping in my bed without anything sexual taking place had finally put him over the edge.

“
Hi.
”
Her voice squeaked at me as I opened the door.
“
Is Jesse here? He invited me over.
”
She stood there, smiling broadly, while twirling a strand of hair around a perfectly manicured finger.